As you guys will have seen from previous old threads, my FMIL is a little over-bearing when it comes to the wedding. Shes obviously excited, but given a little more reign and she'd take over our day. (Again, to the extent as mentioned in previous threads that our wedding co-ordinator at the hotel asked if she was getting married, or us!)
We intially agreed that she could have *some* friends present on the day. We were given a list of total 15 people who she wanted to come for our daytime, when we only have 50 slots (plus the wedding party). We narrowed it down as much as she could with her to 9 people.
We were sorting our invites out and I realised one of the guests OH knew of, but didn't know, and I had never met. I suffer from anxiety problems to begin with, and I'm getting nervous about the day now even though there is still 7 months to go. The idea of being nervous/potential anxiety attack and facing people I don't know (plus their +1s) didn't really rest well. And to add to this, we've cut out some of our own friends to make room for the people who don't have any connection with the bride and groom except from being a friend of the mother of the groom. We had replaced her with the one person my mam asked to be there on the day (as after asking her about her friends etc.) the only person she asked for was the widow of my cousin who died 10 years ago.
We decided it was probably better to remove her from the list, sent out our invites yesterday and explained to FMIL exactly why she had been taken off the DAYTIME list only, and was welcome on the night. This did not go well. FMIL said she had already told her friend, (We'll call "X") that she was coming to the day time, X was her best friend and X was going to be helping her sort out chair covers (which FMIL never told us previously). We chose to take X off the list, because of all her other friends we had met, knew, spoken too and got along with. She said if people declined she could come. I then had to explain about my anxiety for the day and unfamiliar faces won't make me feel comfortable, which she abruptly cut me off with "alright fine".
Conversation flowed a bit and then came back to the daytime guestlist. We got told that the day was for everytone. OH said that it was our wedding day at the end of the day, and we should pick our guests. She got a bit upset and said it was for everyone and we couldn't just have 'everyone we wanted there'. 3 of her other guests consists of a mother and her only son (who used to be good friends with OH when they were young - still friends but don't hang around anymore) and his girlfriend. FMIL said she would rather have had the son and his girlfriend removed to have X there - again I explained I know the son and his girlfriend and having met them before, I would feel more comfortable having them there. She went to start with another reason but sort of stopped in her tracks and left it.
We have cut off our own friends to make room for her friends on the day - and my mam doesn't want to invite her 'own guests' with the exception of my cousin's widow (who really, is family!) because its our day despite me asking to try and make things equal.
Me and OH feel guilty, and also annoyed that she's told someone their invited before the invitations had gone out. We've explained our reasoning and we sort of know this isn't something she isn't going to back down from.
MIL is paying for flowers, putting our dog in the kennels, chair covers and ingredients for our cake.
CommentAuthorInDreamland
Traditionally the parents of the couple getting married invited all their family friends and other connections to their children's wedding because they hosted it, it was seen as a celebration for the parents as much as the couple. However, they were in the days when the parents paid for the wedding, as in everything.
In my culture that is still the custom and practice and therefore my parents could invite who they wanted, they did though pay for just under half the entire wedding cost, my FIL matched what they paid leaving hubby and I with very little to pay for the wedding overall cost. Given the parents contribution it was only fair they invited who they wanted (thankfully it was not too contentious, only a couple of issues which were sorted out).
Remember it's yours and your h2b day, not hers and if she's not paying for the majority of the wedding then she needs to respect your choice of guests and not impose her list on you. Can you maybe tell her that anyone she wants to come can come but only if she foots the bill for their space?
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorCharlieBe-Cool
edited
Sounds as though you've been VERY reasonable even allowing her to invite 9 guests, if I could only invite 50 she would have been lucky to have one! My parents wont invite anyone, they have not asked as im inviting aunties etc anyway,, and they are helping pay for ours. End of the day its your wedding, you have cut your own friends out to keep her happy, she should be grateful and keep her opinions to herself!
Stand your ground, she's lucky you've been as accomodating as you have been quite frankly.
Met my prince charming - May 2002
Finally tying the knot - July 2015
Where there is love there is life - Muhatma Ghandi
CommentAuthorkatielea100
Your being very reasonable I won't even let any parents pick guests, if we didn't think of them then they arnt important lol x
CommentAuthorNoodles
Thanks girls!
OH is her only son, so in some respects I can understand but generally Ive never met guest X, and OH knows who she is but couldn't tell you who she was in a crowd of people, so we're not really sure why they should be there on the special day.
And to say that X is helping with the wedding without telling us didn't make us happy - I'm not unnapreciateive of the help, just a text to say "I've had my friend X help with this task" would have been nice so I knew to say thank you at least! Although for all I know this could have been FMIL saying this just to try and secure her spot. But I don't know.
Another MIL issue - she's unemployed but makes quite a few remarks how she has "a wedding to pay for" when me and OH are paying for venue, honeymoon, bridesmaids dresses, suits, photography and rings. Yes she's paying for flowers, cake, putting our dog in kennels and the chair covers (and photo album/guestbook! I forgot about that before!, but she's still trying to take more on despite being unemployed with no money apparently. She's decided she was sorting the table decorations out and I said I would sort it and she got quite defensive saying no she was doing it. I want to go pick them myself and pay for them because me and OH want something quite alt/goth but she won't like that and will have comments to make about it!
OH's uncle may be taking to the airport for our honeymoon as it's on his way home, but she said if he can't they would take us down (which would mean that she wouldn't be able to drink on the wedding day really as she'd be hungover all day and then driving us down during the early hours of the following day) My parents don't have a lot of money so I'm trying to find ways for them to be involved, so I said someone from our family could drive us if OH's uncle wasn't going that way. She said no again, because they didn't mind. I said my family don't have many ways of contributing and this could be their way of helping and she's still refusing and insisting to take us if his uncle can't :\
It sounds like she would mind though.... as ''she has a wedding to pay for''
She sounds like an absolute nightmare. I would put your foot down on the centre pieces if you want something specifically, when she says I don't mind, tell her she may not mind but you do, it's your wedding and you want to sort them out as you know what you want.
You have been more then reasonable with her so far and your going to have to stop it somewhere otherwise you'll have big regrets further down the line when you look back and didn't feel like your wedding day reflected what you and your husband wanted. My mum always says about how my Grandma (Dads mum) paid for their wedding so she had what she wanted (was told who she could and couldn't invite to her own wedding ect.) so for our wedding she's giving us a big chunk of money and then has stepped back and said spend it on what you want whether that be the wedding, honeymoon or something after the wedding. (What we've done is booked what we want, but I'm going to break down her money into things I know she would like so I can say you paid for this this and this... so far I think it's looking like the band, a violinist for the wedding breakfast, the room hire and there's a bit spare that might be transport and something else.... or might be my dress)
Sorry I went on a tangent there, but my point is you don't want to have the regrets my mum had.
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
It sounds like she's trying to make the day about her. She isn't paying for the reception, so she doesn't have the right to choose guests. My parents haven't chosen any, my future in-laws asked for four but offered to pay for them. H2B does know them, and we're not particularly restricted. You'll just have to keep putting your foot down.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorNoodles
The easiest option I can think of is to go and get what we want, and then tell her the centre pieces are sorted so there's nothing she needs to do. She said the florist (also a friend of hers, but not a guest!) would sort the centre pieces but I don't want floral centre pieces :\ I'm really not big on flowers at all and if I could get away with it I wouldn't have flowers at all. But there we go.
I totally realised I missed something InDreamland mentioned.
Our wedding is a 'package' wedding the hotel puts on, so they don't permit buying 'extra heads' as such. She did offer to do this straight away.
CommentAuthorDonnaH39
Sounds like a good idea to just sort them and then tell her its done, sounds like you should do this quickly though othewise she'll just say ''Oh well I've already asked/paid a deposit on the florist'' Good luck
CommentAuthorclairenina
I think the trouble started by letting her invite friends. It's YOUR wedding, not hers.
CommentAuthorNoodles
edited
@Donna - thankfully she wants me to have an appointment with the florist to talk over what I want. I literally want the bare minimum but I don't think she's clicked that yet!
@Clairenina - We wouldn't have heard the end of it if we did that. And we have FFIL to think about, because once we have gone, he'll have her going on about it/arguing about it with him afterwards as well. FFIL is quite balanced but FMIL is used to being in control of everything, and because she makes a mountain out of a molehill the family just let her get on with it, the way she goes on is always a bit of a joke between them all..when OH was actually moving out she was at work and her brother/OH's uncle was helping us move in he said he'd wonder how we'd last the day without the "Foreman" being present...
When we bought our house she gave us a list of things to ask about before we committed. Now that I work under property solicitors, the list of things she gave us were solicitors standard enquiries they ask about every property :|
OH's solution is that if she keeps pushing for it, then we're changing it to a strictly family only event for the wedding ceremony and breakfast itself. And she is responsible for then contacting the already invited guests and explaining that they're no longer invited on the day. OH doesn't think she'll want to do it and hopefully might leave it at that.
CommentAuthorAmyK
Fmil is taking the mick - it's your wedding, not an opportunity for her to show off to her mates by treating your special day as a party she's hosting. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to nip it in the bud before the wedding grows arms and legs and ends up becoming a party for other people and nothing like you originally wanted. A lot of brides say if you wouldn't send them a birthday card (or vice versa), do you really want them there at your wedding? Or, do you want to look back on the photos in years to come and struggle to remember their name? x
CommentAuthorAprilS61
I think she's being totally unreasonable. I would have let her invite one guest only, if that for being so difficult! I'm inviting one of my mams friends to the evening, but because I like her. She doesn't actually know this yet either so I think she'll be pleased.
Could you maybe write a list of things to do, try and incorporate your parents in the things that involve little or no cost, like making favours, helping with seating, helping you with choices between 'this or that' kind of thing? Then maybe just say you would an opinion ONLY from FMIL and if she still doesn't like what you want, TOUGH!
Your OH's solution seems a very good option too! X
Mr & Mrs Swan 04/04/15
CommentAuthorNoodles
Admittedly, a few of her friends I wouldn't have invited myself if she had not asked, but they are nice people and I don't object to the few who we have invited for her. One of them is the parents of OH's god daughter (close family friends). It's quite interlinked with god-children being tied in about 3 ways relationship wise with the family. However OH's godmother passed away a few years ago but I have no problems inviting the daughter and her husband because as I say, I've met them and they're lovely people and when we do bump into them when we're out we do tend to chat for 10/15 mins or so.
The other ones, again, I wouldn't have initially invited but FMIL is having the lady make our wedding cake, and I do like them when I've spoken to them.
I don't mind as such them being there, just I had to point out to FMIL that she had 9 guests coming to the daytime when there are only 50 slots, and my mam was only inviting 2 people, who were just extended family.
I'm definately not backing down on this, just simply I don't want someone I don't know at my wedding, and I'm not getting to know them for the sake of them coming to my wedding in the first place!
CommentAuthor*KelBel*
Our parents haven't asked for any of their friends to be invited...I think that it's really cheeky to even ask! I know they think they're hosting but things have changed since the 1950s! It would have been a definite no from us if any of them had asked x
Velcro...my wedding day twinny! The Two Kel's!
Got engaged 14/10/12 in Central Park NYC!
Became Mrs Macdonald 13th September 2014
Mummy to 4 girlies and baby blue boy Due 10/05/2016
CommentAuthorInDreamland
It's a shame the venue doesn't do the extra heads add on as she could then have paid for that then it doesn't affect who you want to have. I totally understand you'd want who you want there to fill up the spaces first then only if you have some spare places to let parents invite some of their guests.
My sister's wedding had a package (as did ours) and she just had to pay additional for each extra head over the package number.
Thing is I bet your FMIL also hasn't factored in the cost of the guest for the seat and meal, there's the additional costs of chair covers, favours etc. too.
My sister had more problems than I did with her wedding (probably because she was the first to get married so it was all new for our parents and also she had a smaller budget) but the one thing I kept telling her was that our parents had their wedding and did it the way they wanted to do it (and they did - no family interference) so she should have things her way and not let them dictate but accommodate where she can. I would say the same to you, best advice is ................it's yours and your h2b's day, have the day you both want and where there is room to accommodate the whims and wishes of parents without ruining it for you and without costing too much then do so. It's amazing how a few little gives here and there which don't matter too much to you will make the parents happy.
The thing my parents kept saying to my sister and I was that they're proud parents, they're proud of us and want to show us off to their friends etc. xxx
Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!
CommentAuthorStephHsoon2bBodkin
Im lucky i don't have the issue. Our rule is : No +1's if we don't know them and if they don't bother with us then they are not coming.. That includes family. On my Mums side she is 1 of 21, They have partners, Then kids and even the kids have kids so it gets messy. Its your day you have a say. If she keeps throwing it back ion your face about paying for it, I would say dont pay for it and we will. Remember its both of yours day
xx
Found the man of my dreams
Getting Married on the 13th June 2015
CommentAuthorCharlotteE98
I've had a similar issue. H2B's Mum has tried to add a couple of people to the guest list. One is his Nan's Cousin, who I've only met once, because she has no family, and H2B's great uncle (Nan's brother). His parents can be quite controlling and they don't ask they expect you to accept it or do what they've asked you to do, so she's told David that they need to be added to the guest list when I've not been around.
H2B's sister is getting married next month and after a row or 6 we agreed that if they were invited to her wedding then we'd add them to our guest list. It turns out that 'Adoptive Nan' is invited to her wedding but no mention as yet of great uncle, so I've agreed 'Adoptive Nan' can be added to the guest list, but no more as we haven't the budget for lots of people (anything for a quiet life and my Dad reckons it will earn me brownie points with the in laws!). We haven't seen or spoken to my Dad's side of the family since I was small so they won't be invited, and I've already taken an uncle and a couple of cousins on my Mum's side of the family that I don't speak to.
Doesn't sound like you've got a lot of room for compromise :o/ Nice to see you have your H2B's support though :o) Good luck!
CommentAuthorAmyH608
This is such a recurring thing lol! My FMIL is exactly the same about wanting to invite everyone and anyone shes ever known! We didnt really do our guest list the traditional way, me and H2B sat down and chose who we wanted there, we asked my parents who they would like (as their paying), and they chose a close couple of friends of theirs which is absolutely fine with us because we know them and get on with them. When we spoke to FMIL about who she would like there, she rattled off about 35 names of long lost cousins and old family friends...oh and her hairdresser lol!! Me and H2B spoke about it and decided we didnt want random people there so chose 2 people his parents know well and that we both know. But FMIL still keeps banging on about all these other people.....so annoying! She's even asked to pay for some of them to come, had to say no and be firm because at the end of the day, its our day not hers!!
I for one will be glad when its here and done with lol! Good luck to everyone else in the same boat! xx
CommentAuthorTrasaD
It sounds like your FMIL is being a bit unreasonable hunni. At the end of the day, it's supposed to be your wedding day, not hers. Yes, she is helping you pay for some of that day, but that doesn't automatically give her a free pass at being intolerable. If it's a slotted number venue, you should do YOUR guest list 1st and and spaces available after that, offer to your FMIL / mom (equally). It's not like she's the one paying for the venue. And it's supposed to be your big day, not hers (that's how we're doing it anyway at least). With regards to the centre pieces, I'd tell her that we've already chosen what we want and that you don't want to be putting her under anymore stress with money as she is already struggling with it (why else would she go on about it otherwise). I hope you can work something out soon though hunni xoxox
CommentAuthorLauraK7
edited
I think you've been more than reasonable my mum and dad and fmil aren't having any friends to the day we only have 50 slots and I want family and a few close friends there
CommentAuthorNoodles
Problem now is OH feels guilty for saying that X can't come anymore (especially since FMIL told her she was coming already) and that she's supposed to be helping with somethings (which wasn't ran by us in the first place) and has been stressing about it since we told her :\
CommentAuthorTrasaD
Aww bless him...he shouldn't feel guilty, his mom shouldn't have said anything in the first place, it wasn't her place to. That one's on her, not him... xoxox
CommentAuthorStaceyM40
I really feel for you as we are going through similar with my FMIL it's so frustrating!! X
CommentAuthorNoodles
Main problem I'm having now is everyone I have spoken too (on here and in person!) has agreed with us. I've not brought it up today with him just so he's not permenantly thinking about it.
FMIL & FFIL are taking us out to some bespoke jeweller to try and find our wedding rings on Saturday and then for lunch so no doubt it'll come up then.
CommentAuthorTrasaD
:( oh hunni. I know it's hard.. but maybe it would be best o try and talk to your h2b about it first so that your both on the same page before it gets mentioned to his parents? xoxox
CommentAuthorTheFutureMrsK
I can understand your FMIL is excited but she's being unreasonable. If my FMIL tried that my H2B would be having words with her. Regardless of what people pay for its your big day and she shouldn't be taking over. Allowing her to choose 9 people out of 50 is very generous. Non of our parents have asked to invite anyone but we will be asking them if there is anyone before the invitations go out. I think you need to let your FMIL know that you appreciate whats is doing and paying for but remind her of whos day it is. xx
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
-Ambrose Bierce
CommentAuthorNoodles
@TrasaD - I think it's a cause H2B is trying to stand ground because it's our day, and also for my anxiety. Literally only my mam and a few of my friends know about my anxiety/depressions problems, about 7 in total including mam and H2B. I was taking Sertraline for about a year but felt comfortable to come off them. I might just have to bite the bullet and explain and tell her. Although I have this horrid feeling she'll be sympathetic, but not helpful in the "You shouldn't be depressed, you're so young" "You've got so much you've no reason to be sad" etc etc - which in full circle will make me feel crap about feeling crap :|
@FutureMrsK - She might have calmed down come Saturday. As I say we got the "You can't just have people only you two know there" which left me speechless, and H2B replied "Yes we can! It's our wedding day!"
CommentAuthorSonya
Argh!! These threads irritate me so much!! Unless parents are paying for everything I do not see why they should invite their friends!! The way I see it, it's your day and you should choose who gets to share your special day and of course it should be people that mean something to you not a bunch of people you've never met! My FMIL asked if she could invite 2 couples and we just said no, we don't want strangers at our wedding! I've even told my sister if she's still with her new boyfriend that he's more than welcome so long as we've met him before the wedding
Became Mrs Mulholland on September 12th 2014!!!
CommentAuthormrs Burton2b
I think you have been more than reasonable we have only got 40 for are wedding and have said from the start its family only, my fmil is the opposite to the rest of my h2b family she is really supportive were the rest are trying to stick there nose in telling use we are doing everything rong which is getting us down at the moment we can't do right from rong ahhh
follow your heart and you're dreams will come true
CommentAuthorkatielea100
I actually think you need to do stuff without your future inlaws They are far too involved Her friends the cake maker Her friends the florist They're taking you ring shopping! Your just making it worse You need to not tell them when your doing things and do them with your oh only! No wonder she's being so pushy! I'd tell her to take a hike! X
CommentAuthorTheFutureMrsK
I hope she's calmed down by saturday :) maybe she'll have thought about what your H2B said and realise that it is your day. I understand you can't push her out all together. Even though she is being overbearing shes trying to help and might not realise exactly how shes being. I think maybe as you said earlier sorting some things out on our own and telling her theyre done might be best. xx
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
-Ambrose Bierce
CommentAuthorNoodles
edited
@katielea100 - admittedly the ring shopping is because we have no idea where the place is and it's about an hour and a halfs drive away and H2B wants specially engraved rings in LotR style font (it's one of the few things he's stated he really wanted for the day!) and it's one of the few places we've been told of that's not getting them online.
@FutureMrsK - definitely - I think it's the easier option!
Thank you ladies, I'm just glad I'm not over reacting!
However this morning I bumped into FMIL's goddaughter (the mother of H2B's goddaughter!) this morning and was generally chatting.to her on the way to work and everything was fine. When H2B came into town centre at lunch he bumped into her and explained the situation, and she said that FMIL is doing exactly what she promised not to do - as her mother (H2B grandma) did the exact same thing at her wedding. This has come from her god daughter as well! :o
CommentAuthorNoodles
Well by way of an update- she didn't mention it at all which me and OH were really shocked at! She went on about she and FFIL had a day out with X for her birthday but left it at that.
We got our rings designed too, came to £165.00 for both rings which we were shocked at considering they are bespoke silver rings. FMIL tried to insist on paying for the rings which we refused (how sad does it sound?! My mam bought my wife's wedding ring/my FMIL bought my husband's wedding ring! - wouldn't care if we had asked but she was pushing it for ages and we said no!), and about 4 or 5 times tried to pay for a deposit at least. We told her that we had enough to pay for everything but she tried to undermine us a bit in the store - however we think the little old man who is making our rings picked up on it and took our number and would give H2B a call when rings are ready to have a look at, and when she kept on trying to outright pay for it or leave a deposit he refused, saying he'd sort it out later.
We're hoping she's just not pushing the situation with X, but more worried she's just ignored the conversation altogether and assuming X is coming anyway. We're going to leave it a week or so more to see how it goes.
CommentAuthorthefuture:Mrs_Hurren
I really do feel for you. I've been really lucky with this, my side if the family live 180 miles from where we are getting married so no family friends are being invited. We asked oh mum if she had any friends she would like included and luckily for us she only named one couple(they used to look after my oh when he was little) even still she said only invite them if we have room.
We only have space for 40 day guests and I come from a large family but so other than my bridesmaid and her husband none of our friends will be at the day. We decided that other than them it would be too difficult to choose which friends to invite and leave out.
There is no way in your situation that I would be putting your fmil guests before your own, it's your wedding at the end of the day x
CommentAuthor**MrsFarrelly2B**
Hi Noodles it sounds as though your future in-laws et al are being one heck of a nightmare. My FMIL has offered a list of guests but luckily just for the evening do and we can have as many as we want for that. £165.00 for both rings sounds excellent - can I ask where this place is :-)
Lisa x
Met as Bingo Managers in Kent
Engaged 30th July 2013
Will be married 31st Aug 2014
Honeymooning in Las Vegas & Mexico come Oct 2014 :-)
CommentAuthorLauraF89
Ohhh my gosh, she sounds awful!! If my mum was like that i'd be fuming, well done you for not chopping her head off yet!!! The guest situation has got me, there is no way i could sacrifice 9 guests to please my mum, my mum asked me if my brother could be an usher and i told her straight off that OH had chosen his already and he wont change them. I do feel the need to please people when it comes to the wedding sometimes though so i can see why you have agreed to your FMIL requests.
xxx
October 31st 2015
I will be Mrs. Henry
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CommentAuthorNoodles
MrsFarrelly2b the rings were made by a little silversmith in Kirkharle :) Mine was about £70 and OH was £95.
As I say, FFIL is being very reasonable - but pretty much has to sit on the fence while everyone is together otherwise he'll never hear the end of it. When FMIL is there he agrees with majority of what we have said anyway!
CommentAuthorNoodles
Another small update on this. Everytime FMIL sees us one of the first things she asks is if we have had any declines yet "because then X can come then" even though I said I didn't feel comfortable before.
Again brought up the option of paying the extra head at the venue which they don't do because it's a package.
We obviously have had a decline - her brother and his wife (and we didn't think they were coming anyway but FMIL has been saying she hoped they didn't come so her friend could!). We didn't mention this to hear earlier today - though kept pushing the issue.
"Well can you not put X on the table with us then?"
Wha?! Like she seriously suggested this girls! And I couldn't control myself and practically p*****d myself laughing! "What? On the top table? Are you just going to squish her in between you and my dad?" H2B said FFIL had to hide his face and laughed/shook silently. Honestly!
CommentAuthorRachelE118
Oh dear! And just think she will be your children's grandmother one day if she isn't already lol!!
CommentAuthorNoodles
Oh not yet Rachel - she might have a coronary when that time comes! x
