My wedding was actually a year ago but I only recently kind of broke up with a 20-year friend over some wedding issues, both mine (she was my bridesmaid last year) and hers (I didn't attend her wedding 6 years).
So here's what happened on my wedding: I got married in Nov 2019. It was a small, private wedding for 50 people, and we were only inviting family and relatives. We invited only 3 best/closest friends to be in our wedding party to help with greeting our guests and some other tasks. My best friend Megan was my MOH, Pansy was my bridesmaid, her husband and also my husband's best friend was the best man, and I also asked my brother to take the role as groomsman/usher. I tried to plan it as detailed and thorough as possible so that they wouldn't have to deal with too many uncertainties, and I also kept their tasks as few and simple as possible.
Everything was fine at the beginning but 6 months before our wedding, the political unrest and protests started here (in Hong Kong). It was a rough year for many people. I was not in the mood of talking about my wedding to my friends, I felt bad for being happy or wanting people to be happy for my wedding. So I just planned and did everything on my own, the only thing that I bothered them with was to choose and buy their bridesmaid dresses with them...
But at the meantime, my bridesmaid Pansy had been asking so many times whether it would be safe to attend my wedding, saying that she worried she wouldn't be able to get home safely after attending my wedding if roads were blocked/if there would be no buses/trains. Honestly, with so many things that I had to plan and coordinate and arrange on my own, I really thought that was a very small issue that perhaps she, as my bridesmaid and an adult, could think about the solution herself instead of keep asking me about it. Since my wedding venue was far away from all the main streets/areas where protests mostly took place, I would say it's rather safe. And unless all roads in the city were blocked and not even taxis were available, I could find no reason why and how you couldn't go home.
The way she kept questioning me the safety made me feel like she actually didn't want to come at all, since I knew she had been so afraid of leaving home ever since the protests begun. I thought it was perfectly ok if she didn't want to come, all she had to do was to make up her mind and tell me (since I didn't attend her wedding, we're even on this if she wanted to bail out), instead of bothering me with this kind of questions which I felt were very stupid and annoying, given that I had already booked shuttle buses to send all my guests home, including her and her husband of course. I told her that even if somehow she missed the shuttle buses, I would call taxis/uber to drive them home, so it's not an issue. But then she still asked if I would book them a hotel room if they couldn't find a way to go home, and so I told her I would give her my room if so (my wedding venue was in a hotel).. She was asking for so many things from me like it's her day instead of mine. I was kind of pissed that I couldn't help but tell her if she's that worried and found it too risky to come, then just don't, it's ok! I wouldn't force anyone to come to my wedding if they thought it put their lives at risk. Just don't keep asking me so many questions! Who knows what would happen on that day? I'm not a prophet! But whether to come should be her decision to make, not mine. The wedding would go on because it was already too late and costly to cancel, and even if all the relatives were not coming, our own family members would be there anyway. Of course I knew some people were hoping to have us tell them not to come first, so that they didn't have to be the bad guy... but no, it's their own decisions to make and they had to tell us if they didn't want to come, just like a grown aXX adult.
I was already handling and feeling frustrated over many issues on my wedding at that time, including a bunch of over 20 relatives in Canada who bailed out in the last minute (less than 10 days before the wedding) because they were too afraid to come to Hong Kong under all the protests situation which escalated in early November. I had to cancel or re-arrange with the vendors involved. I even looked around to find a charity which would need and could pick up all our extra food on that day since we would have so many no-show guests... I was sad indeed, and angry too, but I kept trying my best to find solutions. And so I was quite pissed when she, my bridesmaid, was not helping, but instead, only adding to the problem.
And while we went throw the rundown and their assigned tasks, she kept questioning whether they're able to handle all those tasks, meaning that I was giving them too much to handle. But her tasks were mainly greeting the guests at the entrance and she was doing these tasks with her husband (the best man), I arranged them to be together all the time. But after she questioned whether it's possible that two of them could greet the 30 guests (since 20 already bailed out, and the remaining 30 already included our parents/siblings whom they didn't need to greet or help, so they're only handling like around 20 guests and she said it's too much), I re-assigned my MOH, who were supposed to be by my side helping me before I walked down the aisle, to help them with greeting the guests. So I was left with no help at all. I was on my own the whole time, because she said she needed help with her tasks.
But then, she failed to bring my flower girl (my niece) to the entrance to meet me, and I was cued to walk down the aisle while I thought I was waiting for the flower girl (who was not coming). I didn't know what's happening and the march-in song was wrong (they were still playing the flower girl's march-in song, not the bride's, when they cued me in)... I really didn't expect this important moment of my wedding to be like that, to be me looking so panic and unsure while walking down the aisle.
But I didn't have time to feel bad or angry for that long since the schedule was tight. I had to go get ready for the banquet after the ceremony. But when the banquet was about to start, and I was getting ready for the entrance, she again did something that really affected my mood. She pretended to be casually asking, ''Oh wait, I just want to ask if we (she & her husband & MOH) are supposed to have a seat and eat tonight? Since I don't see our names on the seating plan.'' But actually it sounded quite rude since she was questioning whether I forgot about them and was going to starve them for whole night.
Their names were on the seating plan at the beginning, and I arranged them to sit at the same table of course. But when over 20 guests dropped out, I managed to cancel one table with the hotel and I had to re-arrange the seating, and after that I wasn't able to put them in the same table anymore. I didn't write their names there but I planned to tell them earlier that day but I just forgot. So I told her that they did have seats but just that they had to sit at separate tables. She then said, "What?! I would say it's acceptable if Megan is sitting on her own. But you didn't arrange me to sit with my husband?! WHAT?!!'' I was shocked that she said that, because firstly, she was blaming the bride while she had no idea what I had been through with re-arranging all these things after accepting that 20 guests were not coming, she was supposed to be in the position to help, to understand, instead of to blame. And secondly, what she said sounded like she made it like it's ''her day'', like everything had to be arranged to serve her needs, like it's ok that someone else is not having a good seat but it definitely couldn't be her. She had to sit with her husband! That sounded like it was her wedding!
I was actually too pissed to explain to her. I think my husband noticed that and so he took the initiative to explain to her. She didn't say anything further, and it was actually the time my husband and I had to enter the banquet hall. But I was so angry that I wasn't in the mood and I even threw temper at my husband for some tiny things because I couldn't hold my anger. And she once again forgot my bouquet and left it in the bridal room. When I asked for my bouquet and knew that she didn't bring it, I just said ''never mind, I don't need it'', because I didn't want to request her to do anything for me anymore. But perhaps she saw me throw temper at my husband, she rushed back to the room to get the bouquet, but her reaction and expression made it look like I was a bridezilla who made her ran back to get the bouquet for me.
I was upset for some of the important moments being ruined because she failed to perform her tasks, and of course when she blamed me for the seating like I didn't take care of their needs, while actually for the entire time, I cared for their needs, and especially hers (and perhaps it's in a way making up for the fact that I missed her wedding). I even put my needs in least priority to make sure she's happy. I was angry because I took care of her like she's a princess, but she made me look like I was the bridezilla. She has always been very dependable on her family and friends to take care of her like she's a baby, e.g. she never knows any directions that she can't even find her way back home even she's only a few block away. But I thought at least she should know her role in someone else's wedding and hold her tongue. I just think she should grow up and be more empathetic.
CommentAuthorHaileyC72
edited
And here's what happened on her wedding 6 years ago: It was in early 2014 that she announced she's getting married that year end, but I was going to set off for my Australia working holiday in June. The visa lasted for a year but at the beginning I planned to stay there for only 6 months. So I told her I'd be able to come back for her wedding by December. She was only having a 2-hour wedding reception, nothing to follow, and she didn't have a ''bride's tribe'' either (all the chores were mainly handled by both her and her husband's siblings). So I was invited as a guest, not MOH/BM. But in around September I decided that I would stay for 6 more months to utilize the visa, and since I didn't take up any MOH/BM role and responsibilities, I believed my absence wouldn't be of a very huge inconvenience/influence to her wedding.
Of course I understood she would be disappointed, and I also would feel guilty for a very long time... but that journey was dream of a lifetime for me and it's too important for me to give it up. I saved up for 5 years, quit my job, left my boyfriend behind to go on that journey... my family kept asking me to go home asap and my boyfriend even went to Australia to propose to me hoping I could give up on the journey and went home with him, and we nearly broke up... She didn't (and still doesn't) know about these... But all I knew was if I came back in December for her wedding, I might not be able to go back for the other half of the journey afterwards because a lot of things back home would be holding me back. I'd regret my whole life if I came back. So I told and apologized to her immediately once I've made up my mind, which was 3 to 4 months before her wedding, I wanted her to know asap to minimize the influence. And I also sent her wedding gift and my blessings.
But ever since that, she has been bring this up over and over again in the past 6 years, saying that I broke my promise. Of course she was always like just poking fun at me, and I also accepted that she had all the right to be upset or even angry at me (maybe for 2 or 3 years?)... but repeating that for 6 years is really a bit too much. And every time she said it, she had to compare me with our other friend (Megan as mentioned in the previous post) who actually went to Australia with me but did come back in December as planned. She said that Megan was a much better friend than I because she kept her promise. But what she didn't know was that Megan, who is actually not very close with her (but very close with me), came back only because she couldn't be separate with her boyfriend for that long, not because she wholeheartedly wanted to attend her wedding that much. Anyway, it's just the way she put it always made me feel like I was a very bad friend, made me feel very bad and inferior.
I put up with it for 6 years and recently I felt I had enough and I told her that it's really crossing my boundary and made me feel uncomfortable. I told her that I felt she's still holding grudge towards me over this wedding issues which was already 6 years ago, and I hoped she could let it go and get over it, and try to understand why I didn't come back for her wedding, because whilst she thought her wedding was the biggest thing to her, that journey was also the biggest thing in my life to me, and it's not possible for me to give up my dream to fulfil hers.
I just thought if she's a real friend and if she's mature enough, she should have understood without me having to pour every details of what happened to me on that year which made me decide not to come back, and she shouldn't be holding grudges for so many years and deliberately ''poking fun'' at me with some belittling remarks. But her respond to that was only denying that she's holding grudges because she didn't care about her wedding at all, and accused me of being too sensitive and over-interpreting her meanings. And she said that the reason she's been repeating that was only because she's forgetful and didn't remember she had said the same thing before (over and over again), but she couldn't help it nor promise me that she won't be bringing it up again because she's forgetful, and what I can do is to accept it (suck it up) if she ever brings it up again.
What I felt was she's in her self-defensive mode, denying her own feelings, but since she's shut her doors I didn't feel like there's room for communication anymore. I just told her that it's understandable that wedding is a big thing to every woman, and so it's ok to feel upset about not having a ''perfect'' wedding, having anything goes as planned and having everyone you invited to be there, and so I totally understood and she had all the right to be upset. But I just hoped she would try to let it go and stop repeating that over and over for the years to come. She then became very aggressive, saying ''I really didn't give a damn about my wedding, why don't you believe me?!'', and said that she didn't even want to get married at the first place and so the wedding meant nothing to her. She only did it for her parents (but she didn't invite any of her relatives to the wedding but only her friends and co-workers). She went on to say she didn't care about it so much that she had no memories of it at all. She didn't remember what happened, what she did, who came and who didn't, AT ALL. So it's impossible for she to feel upset at me for not attending.
But the truth is, just a day before this conversation, she had once again recited to me all the tiny little things that went wrong on her wedding, like forgetting to take photos of the wedding cake, and of course once again mentioning that I didn't attend. And every one of her friends knew and witnessed that she spent a whole year meticulously planning on her wedding, looking for dresses, making her own invitation cards and bouquet, taking 2 to 3 sets of engagement photos, losing too much weight that she looked all skin and bones... and she even hired a makeup artist who left her with serious allergy and a swollen face after her makeup trial, because she liked that makeup the most, and she'd rather risk her health, take anti-allergy medicine in the morning on her wedding day in order to have that MUA do her makeup... No one could possibly talk her out of making stupid and meaningless dangerous decisions back then because she was too carried away with her perfect wedding fantasy and princessy look..
So the way she tried to argue with me and prove that she didn't give a damn about her wedding just made me felt like she's delusional and constantly lying to herself and people around her. She has always said she didn't want to get married that early (she was already 28) nor throw a wedding like all the other women would ever since the day her husband proposed. But she posted engagement ring photo on facebook anyway, and she blogged about her wedding planning anyway, and she even changed her facebook status to ''married'' anyway... so it's just hard for any sane person to believe that she didn't care/want it.
I just then found it very hard to communicate or reason with her, seeing how she reacted under such conversation/confrontation. Just seeing how her mindset/defense mechanism works scares me...
We have other issues on top of these wedding issues... and I tried to confront with her and communicate with her on some of the issues, hoping to tell her how some of her actions and words have made me feel (uncomfortable or even hurt).. I did want to set some boundaries here because it's been quite a long time that I feel bad every time after we've met or talked. But she said that the fact that I was setting my boundaries was crossing her boundaries - because she won't change just to please me, and she won't stop doing and saying things that I didn't like just to make me happy because that would make her unhappy.. So I guess we're just not compatible to each other anymore, since our boundaries kind of clash. We're not talking anymore for a while. So I guess that's it.
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
Write her a letter, saying whatever you want but then put it to bed.
