Wedding Forum - Friendship ruined over wedding issues......

My wedding was actually a year ago but I only recently kind of broke up with a 20-year friend over some wedding issues, both mine (she was my bridesmaid last year) and hers (I didn't attend her wedding 6 years).

So here's what happened on my wedding: I got married in Nov 2019. It was a small, private wedding for 50 people, and we were only inviting family and relatives. We invited only 3 best/closest friends to be in our wedding party to help with greeting our guests and some other tasks. My best friend Megan was my MOH, Pansy was my bridesmaid, her husband and also my husband's best friend was the best man, and I also asked my brother to take the role as groomsman/usher. I tried to plan it as detailed and thorough as possible so that they wouldn't have to deal with too many uncertainties, and I also kept their tasks as few and simple as possible.

Everything was fine at the beginning but 6 months before our wedding, the political unrest and protests started here (in Hong Kong). It was a rough year for many people. I was not in the mood of talking about my wedding to my friends, I felt bad for being happy or wanting people to be happy for my wedding. So I just planned and did everything on my own, the only thing that I bothered them with was to choose and buy their bridesmaid dresses with them...

But at the meantime, my bridesmaid Pansy had been asking so many times whether it would be safe to attend my wedding, saying that she worried she wouldn't be able to get home safely after attending my wedding if roads were blocked/if there would be no buses/trains. Honestly, with so many things that I had to plan and coordinate and arrange on my own, I really thought that was a very small issue that perhaps she, as my bridesmaid and an adult, could think about the solution herself instead of keep asking me about it. Since my wedding venue was far away from all the main streets/areas where protests mostly took place, I would say it's rather safe. And unless all roads in the city were blocked and not even taxis were available, I could find no reason why and how you couldn't go home.

The way she kept questioning me the safety made me feel like she actually didn't want to come at all, since I knew she had been so afraid of leaving home ever since the protests begun. I thought it was perfectly ok if she didn't want to come, all she had to do was to make up her mind and tell me (since I didn't attend her wedding, we're even on this if she wanted to bail out), instead of bothering me with this kind of questions which I felt were very stupid and annoying, given that I had already booked shuttle buses to send all my guests home, including her and her husband of course. I told her that even if somehow she missed the shuttle buses, I would call taxis/uber to drive them home, so it's not an issue. But then she still asked if I would book them a hotel room if they couldn't find a way to go home, and so I told her I would give her my room if so (my wedding venue was in a hotel).. She was asking for so many things from me like it's her day instead of mine. I was kind of pissed that I couldn't help but tell her if she's that worried and found it too risky to come, then just don't, it's ok! I wouldn't force anyone to come to my wedding if they thought it put their lives at risk. Just don't keep asking me so many questions! Who knows what would happen on that day? I'm not a prophet! But whether to come should be her decision to make, not mine. The wedding would go on because it was already too late and costly to cancel, and even if all the relatives were not coming, our own family members would be there anyway. Of course I knew some people were hoping to have us tell them not to come first, so that they didn't have to be the bad guy... but no, it's their own decisions to make and they had to tell us if they didn't want to come, just like a grown aXX adult.

I was already handling and feeling frustrated over many issues on my wedding at that time, including a bunch of over 20 relatives in Canada who bailed out in the last minute (less than 10 days before the wedding) because they were too afraid to come to Hong Kong under all the protests situation which escalated in early November. I had to cancel or re-arrange with the vendors involved. I even looked around to find a charity which would need and could pick up all our extra food on that day since we would have so many no-show guests... I was sad indeed, and angry too, but I kept trying my best to find solutions. And so I was quite pissed when she, my bridesmaid, was not helping, but instead, only adding to the problem.

And while we went throw the rundown and their assigned tasks, she kept questioning whether they're able to handle all those tasks, meaning that I was giving them too much to handle. But her tasks were mainly greeting the guests at the entrance and she was doing these tasks with her husband (the best man), I arranged them to be together all the time. But after she questioned whether it's possible that two of them could greet the 30 guests (since 20 already bailed out, and the remaining 30 already included our parents/siblings whom they didn't need to greet or help, so they're only handling like around 20 guests and she said it's too much), I re-assigned my MOH, who were supposed to be by my side helping me before I walked down the aisle, to help them with greeting the guests. So I was left with no help at all. I was on my own the whole time, because she said she needed help with her tasks.

But then, she failed to bring my flower girl (my niece) to the entrance to meet me, and I was cued to walk down the aisle while I thought I was waiting for the flower girl (who was not coming). I didn't know what's happening and the march-in song was wrong (they were still playing the flower girl's march-in song, not the bride's, when they cued me in)... I really didn't expect this important moment of my wedding to be like that, to be me looking so panic and unsure while walking down the aisle.

But I didn't have time to feel bad or angry for that long since the schedule was tight. I had to go get ready for the banquet after the ceremony. But when the banquet was about to start, and I was getting ready for the entrance, she again did something that really affected my mood. She pretended to be casually asking, ''Oh wait, I just want to ask if we (she & her husband & MOH) are supposed to have a seat and eat tonight? Since I don't see our names on the seating plan.'' But actually it sounded quite rude since she was questioning whether I forgot about them and was going to starve them for whole night.

Their names were on the seating plan at the beginning, and I arranged them to sit at the same table of course. But when over 20 guests dropped out, I managed to cancel one table with the hotel and I had to re-arrange the seating, and after that I wasn't able to put them in the same table anymore. I didn't write their names there but I planned to tell them earlier that day but I just forgot. So I told her that they did have seats but just that they had to sit at separate tables. She then said, "What?! I would say it's acceptable if Megan is sitting on her own. But you didn't arrange me to sit with my husband?! WHAT?!!'' I was shocked that she said that, because firstly, she was blaming the bride while she had no idea what I had been through with re-arranging all these things after accepting that 20 guests were not coming, she was supposed to be in the position to help, to understand, instead of to blame. And secondly, what she said sounded like she made it like it's ''her day'', like everything had to be arranged to serve her needs, like it's ok that someone else is not having a good seat but it definitely couldn't be her. She had to sit with her husband! That sounded like it was her wedding!

I was actually too pissed to explain to her. I think my husband noticed that and so he took the initiative to explain to her. She didn't say anything further, and it was actually the time my husband and I had to enter the banquet hall. But I was so angry that I wasn't in the mood and I even threw temper at my husband for some tiny things because I couldn't hold my anger. And she once again forgot my bouquet and left it in the bridal room. When I asked for my bouquet and knew that she didn't bring it, I just said ''never mind, I don't need it'', because I didn't want to request her to do anything for me anymore. But perhaps she saw me throw temper at my husband, she rushed back to the room to get the bouquet, but her reaction and expression made it look like I was a bridezilla who made her ran back to get the bouquet for me.

I was upset for some of the important moments being ruined because she failed to perform her tasks, and of course when she blamed me for the seating like I didn't take care of their needs, while actually for the entire time, I cared for their needs, and especially hers (and perhaps it's in a way making up for the fact that I missed her wedding). I even put my needs in least priority to make sure she's happy. I was angry because I took care of her like she's a princess, but she made me look like I was the bridezilla. She has always been very dependable on her family and friends to take care of her like she's a baby, e.g. she never knows any directions that she can't even find her way back home even she's only a few block away. But I thought at least she should know her role in someone else's wedding and hold her tongue. I just think she should grow up and be more empathetic.

Write her a letter, saying whatever you want but then put it to bed.