One of my best friends has told us that she is going to propose to her boyfriend on 29th of February. She's always been one to take the lead!
However, I'm really concerned and could do with some advice on how to handle this sensitively.
Basically, all of our friends disapprove. She and bf have been together only 8 months (we're 25). I guess that in itself isn't the main issue. The problem is that he is a Chinese National with a criminal record for assualt and battery. Is this a classic case of foreigner wanting a visa and wooing a woman with more money than sense?
She's a high flying lawyer in the City, Oxford educated, beautiful, very middle class and he's from a poor wee village, has no qualifications or job, and a criminal record for smashing up 12, yes TWELVE cars, and beating a guy into a bloody pulp because he got a little bit annoyed.
Should I be frank with her? It seems to have not even crossed her mind that he might be using her. I'm worried that one day he might fly off the handle and beat her too. I know that love conquers everything etc etc. But really? In this case?
I don't have much time to act. As he'll get kicked out of the UK in 3 months (he's here on a tourist visa for now), she's talking about flying out to China to get married ASAP.
Help! Should I keep my nose out and let her make her own decisions/(mistakes!)?
CommentAuthorFuture mrs mac
I think shes made her decision and trying to talk her out of it could cause a rift However, could you talk her into having a long engagement - take her to wedding shows 2 see all the venues etc so she wants a wedding here?point out it take 6 months 2 get a dress etc Even delaying it a year may be all the time she needs 2 lose the rose tinted specs!xx
CommentAuthorMrsMcleish2B
If this was you in this situation and she suspected your W2B of these things what would she say/do to you. If she would tell you and warn you off I say do the same in return. At the end of the day sometimes love blinds us of our common sense and it sounds like your friend is so in love with her 'dream' of this man she has forgotten all the realities that come with him. We may of course be wrong and it be loves young dream but it also seems coincidental that his visa is due to expire.... Has she said whether he has hinted towards marriage?? xxx
Wedding Day - 16th June 2012
CommentAuthormunchkinpie
I wouldnt be able to not say anything but unfortunately some friends, even ones you thought were very very close, dont always like honesty in that manner.
Id initially make my point by just trying to get her to slow down - if she wants to propose then fine but try to get her to see the benefits of taking her time ie getting his visa sorted out properly etc so they dont have to spend the beginning of their married life apart.
I think you have to tread carefully as Id have in the back of my mind that if she is going to do it she will and it could be worse if she doesnt tell you and starts keeping things from you.
Some relationships can be so unhealthy and most people who are with an abusive, manipulative partner are too embarrassed to admit what is going on (after they actually realise it that is - often too late also)
Take her out for the evening - let her know you are worried about her rushing and not enjoying the excitement of an engagement and wedding planning etc. Make sure she knows you are there for her etc.
Working on a 3 dream plan for the next 5 years!
Dream 1 = My gorgeous Mr P proposed - 4/9/11 Sydney Harbour
Dream 2 = Getting Married Easter 2012 by Bonnie Loch Lomond
Dream 3 = Working on that dream life in Australia
CommentAuthor
They have been talking about marriage since about 3 months into their relationship so it's not going to be a massive surprise, I don't think. However, I don't know from which side the suggestion came from. His parents are massively in support, but her parents are horrified (but this might be down to a tinge of racism, not sure).
If it were me in this situation, she would definitely sit me down and tell me to my face but I don't think it will work so nicely if I do it with her. She's not used to being told what to do explicitly and does not take it well- big temper.
It all depends on whether you are willing to lose your friend. If you are then go ahead and tell her but be prepared for her to not like you very much. Personally I would risk losing my friend rather than stand back and watch her make a huge mistake. I fell out with a friend 4 years ago because I told her to ditch her "handy with his fists" fiance and when she kept getting the black eyes yet stayed with him I told her that I couldn't stand by and watch and she wasn't going to let go so our friendship should be the one to suffer. We didn't speak for over a year and then she finally broke free and begged my forgiveness. It has all worked out in the end for us but obviously I can't speak for you and your friend. Being a high flying lawyer you would think she'd have her head screwed on a bit but sadly you can be as book smart as you want and still be naive when it comes to relationships.
I hope you can work something out. x
I can't wait until 29/06/2013
The day I marry the man of my dreams!
CommentAuthormunchkinpie
Not sure if it would work but maybe an anonymous heads up to immigration to warn them about a potential marriage which you think may not be on 100% mutual terms. Let someone else point out his bad bits?
Working on a 3 dream plan for the next 5 years!
Dream 1 = My gorgeous Mr P proposed - 4/9/11 Sydney Harbour
Dream 2 = Getting Married Easter 2012 by Bonnie Loch Lomond
Dream 3 = Working on that dream life in Australia
CommentAuthorkrissy905
getting married wont automatically mean he gets to stay anyway. my bil cousin married a man on a visa they were madly in love by all accounts but he was still sent back to his own country they deiced she was 2 young and they hadn't been together long enough they said that once she turn 21 and they had been together over 2 years they would re look at the application.
wont surprise you to know that he went home and they split about 3 months later. if like you say he as a criminal record wont that mark against him to.
i think you might just have to let her get on with it and bite your tongue if its what she wants they she will do it anyway and I'm sure her parents will point out all the pitfalls to her when they announce there engagement
CommentAuthor
My lodger is an immigration barrister so we're well versed on the legal implications and steps. That's part of the problem- my friend knows that my lodger is an expert so is asking for as much advice as possible to try to make sure this works and goes through.
A criminal record isn't going to count against him if they get married abroad and then get a spouse visa- that's why she's talking about flying out asap to get married. The UK has to recognise the marriage if it's formed in China (it's up to China to decide whether or not the marriage is legit) whether they like it or not.
I'm not sure if I'm willing to lose her as a friend. If it turns out that I'm wrong and indeed, he is truly madly in love with her, then I'll never get that friendship back.
I guess all I can hope for is for her parents to tell her it's an awful idea.
CommentAuthorShirleygirly
I think that's all you can do. It's horrible being powerless watching someone you care about make a huge mistake but sometimes it's the only option. My fear is that if he's the type to smash up some cars and beat someone to a pulp because he's angry, will he take his anger out on your friend. I've heard so many stories of women marrying men who are using them for visa purposes and then once the I do's have been done they turn nasty. Most of this comes from take a break magazine and the women are all fairly old and desperate to find a man after losing a husband and I very much doubt your friend is in that situation. There is still hope that you are being over protective and it will all turn out alright for her. I'll keep my fingers crossed that this is the case.
I can't wait until 29/06/2013
The day I marry the man of my dreams!
CommentAuthormadhen
What does she say about his record Grace? Does she know about it and feel it can be explained and there were mitigating circumstances? Because I don't think any friend could blame you for being worried on their behalf when violence comes into it. It's not like you're saying, don't marry him, I don't like him. You're saying this man has a violent background, are you sure you're comfortable with this...? I think maybe you're right and her parents are more in the position to speak to her. All you can really do is tell her you are a bit concerned that things are going so fast, but that if she really wants it, you're there for her. If anything bad does happen she'll definitely need a friend.
CommentAuthor
hahaha @shirleygirly. I read too much of the likes of Pick me up, Chat, Take a Break etc too so maybe I'm being overly dramatic about this.
The thing is that my friend lied to us. She said he only smashed up one car and that was it; I think she's trying to convince herself of this too and that it's not that bad.
However, in her appeal letter to the UKBA, she divulged it was 12 cars AND an assault. Another friend of mine, who is entirely trustworthy as a source, proof read the letter. She's the one who told me, not realising that I'd not been told the whole truth (she's v concerned too)
I mean, who the hell smashes up 12 cars when they are angry? perhaps if things got massively out of hand and circumstances were extreme, you might smash up one. Surely any vaguely moral person would then slightly panic and think uh oh, shouldn't have done that, rather than smashing up more??!
CommentAuthorlows
Can I ask one thing. if he was a british citizen with a violent past would you still have so much trouble with the idea of them getting married? and getting married quickly? If the answer is yes which I think it might be then this is the fact i think you should focus on. Forget about the colour of his skin or what passport he has. If he has a history of violence and you have a genuine concern for her safety then you need to tell her straight. But in a nice, calm, im worried you've not thought this through enough way, not a he's a violent man who isnt good enough for you way!!
If it is just down to the citizenship issue then I think you need to let her get on with it. My SIL to be has just moved in with an Indian bloke that is over on a working visa, he's lovely and has really grounded her, we had some concerns that their relationship was moving too fast at first but they seem happy and its their life, and the same goes for your friend.
Either way if you do talk to her about it you need to be really careful how you approch the subject and what you say.
Ive not read the other posts (sorry!) but i would defo step in! orrrr tell her at least wait until his visa has ran out and see what happens then! she'll soon see if he gets peed off coz they're not married. n if he doesnt then he may genuinley wanna be with her!
Does sound suss to me x
Got together 18th December 2008
Engaged 19th November 2011
Getting married 20th June 2014
Venue is Manchester Utd Football Ground!!!
CommentAuthorMrsKisywisy
After my mum died, my dad went to the Philippines and married a girl 18mths older than me. My dad was over 60 and she was 22/23. She was a glorified prostitute and we all told him it was a mistake and she was using him for his money and for a visa. He didn't listen and married her anyway. Caused a lot of arguments. That ended in tears after less than a year (I think) but he still wanted to find someone else.
Met another girl over there at 18 years old!!!!!!!!!!! And another glorified prostitute (these were girls that worked in bars that you could pay extra to take home) And made plans to marry her in a few weeks. We all screamed at him to just be engaged and that there was no need to get married. But no, he wouldn't listen. He died about 2 days before they were due to get married. Don't know whether to be happy about that or not :/ lol
Don't think there really is a point to my story. Maybe that she has to make the mistake herself. If you fight her on this, or even try to cast doubt in her mind, you will end up the bad one. If it goes wrong, hopefully, she'll learn from it. The fact that it has to happen so quickly is the sad thing. He will be putting pressure (maybe subtly) on her and be full of promises and dreams. It's sad, and you'll want to protect her, but it's one of those situations where you have to support what she chooses. Just be there for her if and when she needs you xxx
I'M MARRIED!!!
I am now Mrs Bananaman!!!!
13/09/2012 in Peyia Town Hall, Cyprus
