Wedding Forum - Family Stress (and by family I mean Mother)

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  1.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi Guys,
    Well my mum has been saving for years in the hopes that I would one day meet my prince charming and get married.
    How sweet and lovely right? She has offered £6,000 towards our wedding which will cover most of the Venue and food and drink costs. Unfortunately she now thinks that this gives her full control over every decision we want to make regarding the wedding, including guests, menu, dress, transport etc..... If i try to suggest anything she doesnt like she is unneccesaryily rude about it and how she doesnt like it and says that if she is paying £6,000 she wants what she wants.....
    This would be all very well if she would talk and compromise and be reasonable but she is a typical only child and cant see anything from anyone elses point of view....
    I dont want my marrage and wedding (suposidly the happiest day of my life) to turn into a family fude.... she draggs my grandparents into it too telling them that I dont care about my family or I would do what she suggests which I find really upsetting.... I love my Grandparents to bits and if my marrage is half as succesful as theirs I will be a very very happy girly.
    Any idea how to tackle this?
    Surely I'm not the only one???

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  2.  
    • bumblebumble
      CommentAuthorbumblebumble
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    ooo dear.

    I (luckily) haven't had to deal with anything like this yet but I would say the best thing to do is approach it head on.

    Tell her that yes she is paying 6K towards it but this is still YOUR wedding and you should be having what you and hubby 2be want!!

    If she can't see that this is meant to reflect your personalities and not hers then that's really unfair and you need to tell her how it is!

    xxx

    Members signature icon
    x Keeley x


  3.  
    • MrsH-2B
      CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Are you very close to your grandparents ? I'd maybe go round and tell them how important the actual MARRIAGE side of it is to you, explain that you want to have a marriage as sucessful as theirs and that you feel that your mum is turning it into some kind of 'Look what we can do' type thing rather than the marriage it is meant to be.. (If that makes sense) They might be able to have a word with her to see that it is in fact your marriage and wedding day, not hers ???

    If that isn't an option, I'd tell your mum that the £6000 is covering the food, drink and room hire.. Therefore, she can help choose the food and the drink.. Not the rest of the stuff that you and H2B (I assume) are paying for.. xxx

    Members signature icon


    I can't wait to become his Wife :-) 4th July 2015
  4.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Im afraid to cause any trouble between my G&G and my mum if I say too much as they dote on her (i think this explains some of her unintended selfishness).
    But you are right I probably should talk to them about it, I'm afraid to upset them, they are in their 80's and should be having a nice relaxing time not worrying about every little thing my mom disagrees with me or my sister on. I dont feel like it is fair to have their feelings trampled by my moms twisted views of reality.... i've had my Grandma on the phone crying because she thinks my mom and I have fallen out over wedding venues.... all because my mom didnt like the first one we showed her.
    Maybe i should put my foot down but my mother is stubborn and tries to convince the rest of the family to side with her which puts me in a difficult position as I dont want anyone to feel they have to choose.....
    I mentioned the idea of High Tea ( afternoon tea) for a wedding breakfast and she flipped out!!!!! was really rude and said that its not what HER friends would expect from a £6000 wedding!!!!!
    I must have mistakenly thought that the wedding was for me and my best boy to tell the world how much we love each other......
    coz apparently its all about impressing her friends!!!!!
    SO ANGRY!!!!!!
    and she is going to her friends sons wedding two days before mine and expects us (me and h2b) to go (which we wont be as will be doing final preps) and keeps comparing the two....... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  5.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    ok sorry........ rant over :(

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  6.  
    • MrsWright290912
      CommentAuthorMrsWright290912
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    Tell her you would like her opinion on matters but not for her to decide about your day, that you appreciate her input and not just financial but that ultimately, the decisions are to be for you and your h2b and that if she cannot handle that then thank you but no thank you to her money.

    We were fortunate enough that although our parents contributed towards our wedding, they just let us get on with the planning of our wedding.

    I have to say the comment about "typical only child" is a bit harsh. Im an only child and wouldnt dream of being like that with my children when they choose to wed but thats your opinion and you are entitled to that. Also, if thats how your attitude is towards your mum, although from what you say, her behaviour is a bit unncessary, maybe thats why she's being the way she is towards you. Be grateful for the money she has kindly saved up for you and try and include her in your day but dont allow her to rule what you have/dont have.

    Members signature icon
    I really did marry my Mr Wright and we had a nice day for a
    Wright wedding!
    Mexico for our first anniversary
  7.  
    • MrsH-2B
      CommentAuthorMrsH-2B
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I thought it would be about status.. My auntie was exactly the same with my cousins wedding.. She even asked my mum last weekend why SHE hasn't chosen our photographer and stationary !! My mum was like, errr cause it's not my wedding :-/ xxx

    Members signature icon


    I can't wait to become his Wife :-) 4th July 2015
  8.  
    • brilly
      CommentAuthorbrilly
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    You need to put your foot down hun and if she still carrys on remind her its YOUR day not hers and its about having YOUR friends and family around you on the most important day in YOUR life. If she continues to bring the money subject up maybe tell her to keep the money then that way she has no say and cant keep bringing it up when she cant get her own way. It sounds like shes going on like a spoilt brat she needs to remember its her daughters wedding not hers xx

    31st August 2013 I became Mrs Carrick
    Cant wait to do it all over again in 2018

  9.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Sorry Mrs Wright, No offence intended. One of my best friends is an only child too and not at all selfish.
    I meant more "only child syndrome" where children dont learn to share or see things from anothers perspective because they have always been given everything they want.
    And I think I keep my attitude well in check when i'm actually talking to my mom. I am very carefull due to past experiences of putting my fot down.
    She is a very difficult person and I think she may actually have some stability issues although she refuses to talk to anyone about it.
    For example when I first moved out of home to live by myself..... she didnt want me to go and she pretended to take a full bottle of paracetamol in an attemp to get my attention..... and this is only one of many unsettling behavious that the rest of my family brush under the carpet.
    Its hard because I know I cant push her too hard but just this once I want this to be mine and H2B's special thing that we get to plan ourselves.
    If I told her we didnt want the money my whole family would turn on me because she has saved up this money for years.... it would be very offencive to her if i said no thank you.

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  10.  
    • MrsWright290912
      CommentAuthorMrsWright290912
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    Just wanted to say, I didnt mean my comment to sound harsh. Perhaps I read yours wrong and got a bit cross as us only children can get some flack sometimes for being brats and spoilt.

    Are you the youngest child or only daughter Natalie? perhaps she is finding it difficult to "let you go"?

    I know what you mean about people getting what they want and not being forgiving though. I have a step-brother who I love the bones of. I didnt grow up with him in our home but he would get toys/sweets, you name it, he got it. And as such would kick off when he came to my house at weekends and I had sweets from that week and he hadnt had any bought for him, although his mum had bought him things at his home throughout the week yet he still expected to get the same as I had got when I was with my mum!

    Just be firm with her about things and if there is something you and your partner want and think she would throw a spanner in the works, dont tell her about it. She doesnt need to know every detail of your wedding

    Tell her that you really want her input on X,Y and Z but that you and your h2b have A,B and C covered (even if you havent!) and that way, its keeping her content but she's not ruling your wedding x

    Members signature icon
    I really did marry my Mr Wright and we had a nice day for a
    Wright wedding!
    Mexico for our first anniversary
  11.  
    • brilly
      CommentAuthorbrilly
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Maybe sit her down Natalie and just explain you appreciate everything she has done for you but she needs to understand its your day and things will be how you want them, That you can understand it may be upsetting for her but its your choices and decisions and its about having your friends and family their to share in the happiness not her friends, you need to nip it in the bud hun before it gets worse and before you start agreeing to things you dont want x

    31st August 2013 I became Mrs Carrick
    Cant wait to do it all over again in 2018

  12.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks Brilly that sounds like good advice. :)
    I'l try.....
    I'm a bit of a mouse really, quite laid back and like to keep people happy normally........ dont know where all that ranting came from :p lol

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  13.  
    • brilly
      CommentAuthorbrilly
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Its easy to agree with people hun to keep the peace and what not but you have to remember its your day and you cant please everyone, its about making it special for you and your h2b xx

    31st August 2013 I became Mrs Carrick
    Cant wait to do it all over again in 2018

  14.  
    • MrsWade2B
      CommentAuthorMrsWade2B
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    My mum and dad are paying for the majority of our wedding, and she was a bit like that at the beginning. It took a very firm conversation about how this was my and OHs day not hers and that we appreciate all the help she will be giving us but her place to shine is a hostess not bride and as such we would like things our way.

    She is now quite happy in role of hostess, everyone was invited by her and my dad, shes going early to the church to greet guests who have come a long way etc. and she is making a small speech at the reception.

    There is still the occasional....'but what will other people think' moment but I just tend to change the topic of conversation or stress how as it is one of the biggest days of my life and its about my marriage im not letting it get to me and she usually shuts up cos then she feels a bit silly.


    Good luck with it all! x
  15.  
    • AussieLinz
      CommentAuthorAussieLinz
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    This happened to one of my friends so they ran off to Vegas and got married without telling anyone. They then came back and had the wedding that her mum wanted and used it as a blessing, again without telling anyone, until the registrar said they were all their to witness the renewal of their vows! ;-)
  16.  
    • LeanneD39
      CommentAuthorLeanneD39
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Would it be worthwhile making a list of all the things that need organised and tick off some things that you are willing to give her control over? If she has certain jobs to focus on (no matter how big or small) she may relent a bit and give you more of a say. I'm sure she's coming from a good place, making sure you have the perfect wedding - maybe she's just going about it the wrong way!
  17.  
    • LauraJo87
      CommentAuthorLauraJo87
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I agree - my mum isn't in a position to contribute financially (which I think she does feel guilty about. Even though we told her we wouldn't expect it anyway) however she was trying to be 'helpful' in other areas - by bombarding me with her opinions on anything and everything, mostly reasons why I couldn't do what I wanted.

    We put her in charge of making the invites, bouquet and centre pieces and she was happy as larry and has chilled put about the rest of it.

    To be fair, I think in the previous generation the parents of the bride pretty much organised the whole thing if they were paying - maybe your mother needs to bear in mind that times have changed. Unfortunately, a lot of people think contributing financially buys them a large slice of 'wedding control'.

    I can see why she would want input on the venue and menu - I mean, ideally she would leave you to your own devices, but I can see why some people would think, well, I'm paying for it...

    I suspect that as she has been saving for the wedding for a while before it was even on the cards, (from the sound of your first post) she has probably spent a long time thinking and dreaming of the day of her daughters marriage and has her own visions in her head which unfortunately do not tally up with yours!

    It is all yours and h2bs day at the end of the day...not hers.

    I think you should just smile, nod and say 'I'll give that some thought' and then go and do it anyway, and if she does have ideas or suggestions that you do like, make a big thing about how much you like that idea - if she feels she's getting some input, that might satisfy her.

    Xx

    My Beating Heart Belongs To You
    30 August 2013

    The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
  18.  
    • BryonyEminson2Be
      CommentAuthorBryonyEminson2Be
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    IMOH honey you need to be really firm with your mum, i understand where you are coming from and why you dont want to cause any problems but giving her set things to do and that is ALL she controls would be how i deal with it. My mum can be quite controlling as well and i honestly expected similar behaviour from her and so before anything happened i made a point of saying that with regards to me entire family (i was sure not to aim this just at her but at everyone, but still making it obvious that this included her) i was grateful for any help or suggestions but ultimately this was our day not theirs, it might be an idea to do the same thing. Have you spoken to your OH about your mums behaviour, it might be worth him having nice little chat and letting her know just how important this day is to you and that you really want your mum to be a part of it and give suggestions- notice i say suggestions not tell you what to do. i argue with my mum a lot and its usually easier for her to take my point of view from someone who isnt me. I really hope this gets sorted as there is nothing worse than this kind of attitude

    And my soul saw yours and said
    "oh, I have been looking for you"
    we met 07/09/2004. we loved 28/02/2012
    we'll marry- 14.08.2021
  19.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi Bryony,
    I'm a little worried that if my mum and H2B got into an argument about the wedding he would tell her a few home truths that I dont think would help the situation. It really bothers him the way she treats me, my sis and my dad and I think he might just blow up if she ever spoke about his family or me the way she speaks to me, dad and my sis.
    Everyone in the family knows my mum is a little difficult and we all try to keep the peace.
    I think everyones sugestions about letting her have control over a couple of things is a good idea.
    She has already offered to go to the venue in the morning before the wedding and make sure everything is set up correctly according to our plans which I think woud be great.
    As LauraJo said.... I think the old fashioned , brides parents organise, pay and plan the wedding as well as inviting who they want..... is how she sees it..... I've been talking to her about how we have to draw the line somewhere for day guests of else the cost is getting out of hand.
    I'm working on being more diplomatic......
    We shall see how it goes......
    I may be back on here next month as she is comming wedding dress shopping with me.......
    If she hates all the dresses I like i'l probably have a tantrum..... or cry.
    lol
    Wish me Luck :)

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  20.  
    • BryonyEminson2Be
      CommentAuthorBryonyEminson2Be
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Just stand firm on the things you really care about Natalie, it is your day after all.
    good luck with dress shopping (i still have that to do myself :s )

    And my soul saw yours and said
    "oh, I have been looking for you"
    we met 07/09/2004. we loved 28/02/2012
    we'll marry- 14.08.2021
  21.  
    • CommentAuthorClaireS47
      BadgeBadge
     
    I am getting married next september (of which i never thought I would) My mum can't even come dress shopping with me. I have booked a bridal appiontment this weekend, when I rang her up to ask if she would like to come a couple of weeks ago " I'll think about it as iam going out that night" I got the same response when I asked last weekend. To make matters worse both famillies went out for fathers day yesterday at our venue (which we booked yesterday)she wasn't interested one bit and didn't say a word to my future mother in law. I feel so hurt :-(
    I also found our today that the venue we booked has no rooms! for us or our guests as the wedding party the next has booked them all out. That give her my mother something to moan about.
  22.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I feel for you Claire. That sucks...... can you find accommodation else where and just get some mini bus taxis to pick you all up and take yout there after the reception? I think it's a bit poor of the venue but don't let it drag you down.
    It's hard work when your mum isn't being supportive as you would like. Yup can't help but want the approval of your parents can you?
    Do you have other family who will help with wedding planning? Or a close friend?
    Xx

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  23.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Add me as a friend Claire? I can't add you as your profile is restricted :)
    You can moan to me anytime you like!

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  24.  
    • CommentAuthorClaireS47
      BadgeBadge
     
    My Sister was great yesterday considering we haven't been close.
    Iam going for the guilt trip with the venue,as may get some money off................. well worth a try at least??
    I will add you as a friend :-)
  25.  
    • NatalieD205
      CommentAuthorNatalieD205
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Yeah I think that is a good idea with the venue guilt trip.
    Glad your sis has stepped up :) x

    Members signature icon
    Cant wait to marry my best boy :)
    I love him to the moon and back
    Eeeeeeeee!!!!
  26.  

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