LONG STORY SORRY

My oldest daughter Skye is my exs daughter, got pregnant and he wanted me to have a turmination cus he didnt work and wouldnt be fair (at this point id already decided to leave him) knowing its aginst what I believe about human life and choises, that night I left him not just because of what he said but also because he was still taking heroin, still a heroin addict (I got with him thinking hed bin clean 5 years, how naive was I). I wanted to protect my child from drug abuse and wanted a normal environment for my child at the time as didnt no she was a girl back then. I moved back in with my parents (I was still young as I had just turned 20 at the time) and my mum was there for me all threw the pregnancy and birth just a like a partner is suppost to be (at that point id already my h2b online, didnt no back then we would be where we are now). My ex new nothing of meeting h2b online at this time as couldnt be doing with the hassle. Skye was a month old when I met h2b face to face and we started dating almost strait away, we just hit it off.

My ex found out I was seeing someone from another source who had seen us in town holding hands. Suddenly I get a letter from his solicitors demanding access, he wasnt bothered before lol. Anyway I got myself a solicitor and set some ground rules, I said my ex could see his daughter on the condition he has a hair test (if clean supervised visits) and the regular pee tests weekly because I wanted my daughter to be safe. When my solicitor mentioned a drugs test he dropped the case (convince). Since then me and my ex have bin talking and he has been having supervised access to her via our home, ones a week.

The agreement was------
£40 a fortnight (I think thats more than reasonable) for maintenance (id only get £5 a week if went threw the DVLA or whatever its called lol)
Tuesday every week was the day to visit her and
I step over the mark would mean back to court (meaning no drugs, sober in my home)

I think thats fair, am I right????

Anyway I had a phone call this morning from him (I needed to calm down before posting on here or id be fing here and there sorry) and he was fine at first, just explaining whats happening his end. Then (as usual) he had his personality change as I call it. He said and I quote--
"Skye should not be calling ben (h2b) dad, she should be calling him ben" and--
"I should have more rights to my daughter than him" and--
"You always use her as a weapon" Ballshit and--
"I would be a better dad to her than ben ever could, you are more selfish than I ever imagined"

Thats wrong right??

Firstly, h2b as brought her up from 1 month old (4 weeks to be exact), put food on the table, clothed her, bin there for her ect..... like a farther. She didnt call him dad strate away, it was ben until Danah was born. She started calling him dad of her own back (I think because it has always been dad with Danah).
Secondly, again h2b has been more of dad to her since the beginning. Yes my ex is on the birth certificate (my mistake) but he hasnt been in her life since a baby. Hes only been in her life 2 years because of him going threw court and claiming he could look after her better (oh and ill also add hes got suvear epilepsy, bad to the point where if he has another fit like last time it could kill him and he suffers from anxiety and panic attacks) even tho hed have to have someone with him all the time anyway even if he was off the drugs (I dont believe he is but trys to convince me hes clean).
Thirdly, I have never used my daughter as a weapon, he has and just trys to blame me.
And finally, H2b is a better dad than what he could ever be. Hes forever messing about paying maintenance, forever letting her down and telling me how to look after her, how is that being a better dad. H2bs brought her up, put a roof over her head, fed her and clothed her. Hes there for her. H2b loves her as his own and hates it when my ex upsets me.

My ex should be privileged because not many men out there would let there partners ex into there home, children or not. H2b has bin very lenient but its tipped him over the edge today because how dear he say them things.

I was angry and told my ex that I dont want him here anymore, im going back court for you to do a drugs test and see skye supervised in a contact center.
Then I rang my solicitors and made an appointment for Wednesday next week.

Have I done the right thing??? because now I feel like a bad mum saying he cant see her until its done threw a contact center and feel like im letting Skye down myself xxx

I've been there hun (although mine wasn't an addict just a very nasty piece of work!) you've got to do what you feel is right for Skye simple as that. We went through the contact centres and eventually my ex was allowed to take my daughter to his home and eventually after that she even started staying the night (I hated every second but she wanted to go so she did). Last summer after she just turned 9 she woke up one day, phoned him and told him that she never wanted to see him again. We haven't heard from him since... I was relieved but it had to come from her. Sounds as though Skye is still to young for that so at the mo you have to make the decisions. Think ur H2b has done everything that a dad should do and I've always said to Soph my ex was her father (or sperm donor as I like to call him) & she decided a couple of years ago that my h2b would be her "daddy" and that again came completely from her. It's natural for Skye to call your h2b dad because he is behaving as a dad should do. I actually think the contact centres are the best way because you don't actually then have to have any contact with your ex... your not a bad mum you just know things that Skye is too young to understand and I'm sure one day when she's older she'll thank you & ur h2b for everything you've done for her. xxxx

Thank you rosei, thats good advice thanks, I am just doing what I feel is right. We are moving soon and im not gona tell him where we live to be safe and just go threw a contact center xx

Hun you have done the right thing and I hope to God something good comes of all this. You are protecting your little girl and as you say she isnt 100% safe with him for reasons other than the drugs. You'd blame yourself uncontrollably if anything was to happen to Skye whilst in his care. Try and not let this get between you and H2B although I know that will be hard considering the situation. We're all here for you hun if you need a rant but stay strong and you will get through this. xxx

Thank you tiggs and nhr, I really hope your right because at this moment im so scared, I want her to be safe and this isnt fair having out her threw this xx

Sorry, thats ment to say Im not always right roxii xx

do what you believe is right for your daughter deep down not through anger

xx

I think you should cut contact until the court then. Say that you feel scared that he is getting this angry and that you feel it best for your daughter to not have contact while he's being like this as you feel she wouldn't be safe! The fact that he was/is on drugs will go in your favour anyway, as no one is sure that he is off them. And the fact that he refused the drugs tests last time will also go in your favour.. So if I was you i'd withdraw all contact until the court hearing xx

Exactly, Stick to your guns and I hope it all works out xx

Hi chick at the end of the dad ur h2b has been there for ur little one exacty same as my h2b he is not my sons dad but was there in hospital when i gave birth and has been there ever since his real dad demanded a dna thru csa which came back as i new it would that spencer was his.it takes alot for a man to take on a child when not his and they are special people you are very right to feel the way you feel if spencers dad wanted contact i would do the same,you are only protecting ur little one you are a great mum and should be proud of yourself situations like this are hard.dont let him tell you any different chick you and h2b are doing a great job of looking after ur girl.chin up chic we here if you need to rant anymore lol xxx

Thanks girls, Iv just bin crying to h2b in other room cus I cant cope with him anymore, one minute hes nice and understand and the next he does things like this, it scares me so much that he could turn on skye one day. I just hope the courts make the right decision for a contact center where shes protected all the time xx

I'm right behind you all the way. You are putting your daughters best interest first, well done mum :-) xx

Hun you really are doing the right thing, I had to watch my nephew be weened of heroin when he was born as the mother was an addict and moved away so no one knew.

My brother has faught for access and she has had ny nephew removed from her custody.

As far as im concerned ppl like that have no right or say in how the childs life is!!they gave that up by turning out like that!!

Please just protect ur daughter and ur family, sounds like your doing a fantastic job and you should be proud.

xxx

Thats very true, hes angry im getting married cus he thinks h2b shouldnt be part of her life, what am I suppost to do, stay single and not be happy with someone I love my whole life, I dont think so somehow. He has no right to tell me how to live my life, h2b was right when he said hes not worth it babe and skye will look up to me more than him if he carrys on. xx

I dont have children so I cant even imagine what you are going through, but it sounds like you are only trying to protect your daughter and make sure that she is safe and you are doing a bloody good job of it, no body has the right to criticise that. I agree with the others and wouldnt allow any more contact and let the court decide. I also think you should keep a diary of any phone calls, events, when he has or hasnt paid any maintenance or turned up for arranged visits etc so you have proof of any unreasonable behaviour and keep all the texts he sends you for the same reason. I dont think you were wrong when you initially allowed your ex to see your daughter at your house, I think that was very kind and brave of you to do that and he has obviously just taken the p*** with this arrangement. The fact that you did this will go in your favour with the court. I work for a community drug team and see alot of children brought up with drug using parents quite often with social service involvement, I have also seen alot of children removed into care. Having said that I have also seen some brilliant parents who do a really good job of raising their kids, (I am by no means backing up your ex here) but being a drug user doesnt always make you a bad parent. I think your ex is probably very jealous that you are getting married and have done well for yourself and is just trying to hurt you however he can unfortunately he is using your daughter to do this. Stick to your guns, after all you are only protecting your daughter. I really wish you best of luck with this and hope it all works out for you and your family.

Yeah im fine, got an appointment with solicitor on wednesday and we will go from there, we are having no contact but I do no he will ring on tuesday to see if he can still come, Do I answer and tell him not to come or ignore and hope he dont turn up?? xx

i think i would tell him not to come hunni, but is ther somewhere that u can go for the day in case he turns up anyway. the last thing u want is him causing a scene in front of ur little one x

You are NOT a bad mum by any stretch of the imagination - it's your ex that is in the wrong! Don't you dare beat yourself up because of some lowlife smack addict that didn't even want her in the first place (tell me where he lives, I'll sort him out!!)

I didn't read all the posts so I don't know if this has been mentioned already;
As you and your ex were not married then he actually has ZERO legal rights to Skye, a father cannot claim parental responsibility unless he is the primary carer (which he isn't, you are!) or he's married to the mother. The fact he's never paid maintenance but more disgustingly, never tried to seek contact until he found out you were in a relationship only strengthens your case and weakens his!
I know all this from when I spoke to my solicitor after splitting up with Honey's dad.

If I was in your shoes I'd tell him to take an extremely long walk of an extremely short pier and let Skye (once she's old enough) decide whether or not she wants to have anything to do with him.

Sending you huge hugs and big loves xxx

UPDATE

Just got a text of skyes dad saying this (ill copy it word for word from text)--

Terri I apologize I get hurt and feel helpless when you tell me I cant see skye just because we loose out patience with each other she is too important I regret any offense to you and hope you will let me see her as usual when I get back please dont have her suffer because we had crossed words I love her as you do and I sometimes forget that you understand that im sorry J

Now what, do I text him back??, is that emotional blackmail or is it him actually apologizing?? What to do, help please. What do I say if I text back?? xxxx

I don't know him or anything but I used to get that all the time with my ex then he'd see Soph & then something else would happen it went on like that for a very long time. What is your gut instinct telling you? Trust it because I think intution works much stronger when it's something that's so close to your heart! Just remember whatever decision you make to stay concious of the fact that you thought he had reverted back to the drugs & if you really n truly thought that you need to do what you now feel is right for Skye. xx

I would say go out but that'll only solve the problem for a one off occasion... I don't know how bad things have got for you hun but if you don't want him to turn up at your home then he has no right & it may be that you need to take further steps to prevent this like an injunction... think it's best you speak to your solicitor and see what they advise it's no fun living your life on egg shells and panicing everytime the door bell goes. Believe me once it's sorted and your life can move on it becomes soooo much happier! & your h2b is being a rock for you but he can't do it forever so do as you say, stick to your guns and get this resolved properly. Big hugs xx

How does this sound for a text back--

Im really sorry but its not convenient tomorrow, after our last contact and the abuse you gave me and the accusations you made I dont think its suitable for you to come and see skye here anymore I think its in everybodys best interest if a supervision order is made so you can see her away from my home The only way that can be made is threw solicitors I would prefer it if every decision is made threw our solicitors and please dont contact me unless its threw a solicitor this in no way will affect your relationship with skye cus you can still see her and I will make sure she knows daddy loves her.

Is this ok?? and then I dont answer anymore calls or texts off him, only threw my solicitor xx

Sounds about right to me! xxx

Good luck :) xx

Errrm, I would of done if I hadnt already sent the text, lol too late :-/ but it still sounds ok right cus I have said at the end you can see skye???, I dont want to text him again xx