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Wedding Forum - Dad/stepdad not staying over...

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  1.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    So my stepdad (who I call dad, send Father's Day cards to etc) has sprung it in my mum that he's not staying over for the wedding. I'm in the north east and most of my family live in Nottingham so the plan was for them to travel the evening before and stay at the venue the night before and the night of the wedding.

    He's saying he can't as someone needs to look after their cat even though there are numerous people that can go round and do this. He's saying my mum should come up on her own on the Thursday and he will travel up the Friday morning and go back Friday night but god knows what time he'll want to go cos of the bloody cat!

    Me and him had a really difficult relationship to start with but we got over it and like I said I now see him as my dad (my dad wasn't around much and died when I was 21, I'm 35 now). I feel really let down by him over this but h2b is saying it clearly isn't just the cat and that he has a fear of being away from home. Him and my mum haven't spent time away for 17 years - they've always had cats and he's always used that as the reason but surely there's more to it?

    My mum feels really let down by him too as she was really looking forward to the couple of nights away together and she's saying she thinks this will cause long term damage. She's tried reasoning with him numerous times but he just shuts down.

    What do you ladies think? Should I just accept that he's only gonna be there to give me away and for the meal (probably) or do I fall out with him and hope that makes him change his mind and if not ask my brother to give me away??

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  2.  
    • CommentAuthorMrsManiatt
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    Why dont you ask him what is really bothering him? He might open up if it comes from you rather than your Mam? xxx
  3.  
    • JennK
      CommentAuthorJennK
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    I agree with the above, try a gentle conversation with him on his own :)

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  4.  
    • kittyh
      CommentAuthorkittyh
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    its a tough one...if he can't admit or accept that he has a problem then you could be onto a losing battle with something like this. i would try sitting down with him and explaining to him how much it means to you and how you think of him as a father and how much it would upset you on the day if he had to leave early. Hopefully that will get through to him and he will try and overcome the issues he has? If his issues are based on an anxiety problem then i don't think falling out with him will do any good...it might even make things worse? Hope you get it sorted...xx
  5.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    I would back him into a corner try saying ...

    I can't imagine not having you staying the night before the wedding, what if something were to happen on your way up , do,I've been thinking and I would love to pay for your cat to go to a cattery for two nights , that way you done need yo worry and I have you there

  6.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    My mum has tried the softly approach saying that it's clearly not the cat as she has already spoken to my cousin who can come sort the cat but his reply to that was he doesn't want anyone in the house when they're away (the cousin is someone they see often) so then my mum said she would put her in the cattery but his reply to that was that the cat is too old and it would stress her out.

    I know that if he really has some sort of phobia that I can't fall out with him but I'm really disappointed and feel upset for my mum. They've not been away in 17 years and she thought they would be this time.

    They've fallen out over this 3 or 4 times now but he's not budging.

    Is it even worth me saying anything? Would have to be phone or text with them living away.

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  7.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    Yes it's worth it ..... What have you got to lose ?

  8.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 2nd 2014
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    You're right lala, I've nothing to lose as he's adamant he's not staying though he told my mum he doesn't intend to leave till the very end which just strengthens the fact it's not cos of the cat as she'll have been out or in on her own from around 7am and he won't get in till about 1am if he stays till the end

    I've told my mum I'm gonna talk to him but she's asked me to leave it a few days first

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  9.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    seems like a really odd situation, youd think hed make he exception, and its so unfair on your mum too... I wouldn't cope, 17 years no holidays, he needs to either tell you what the REAL deal is, or he needs to stop being a selfish ar$e :/

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  10.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    Unfortunately if there's a mental health issue it's not that simple. It's totally unfair on those who are affected, but simply telling someone to stop being selfish can easily make things worse. The problem is you can't help someone until they themselves admit that they need it. I wonder if an American style intervention might do something, if you and your mum get together and point out the effect that it has on you both, and make it clear that you love him and want to help him.

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  11.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    does he have a fear 0f being away from his own home at night ?

  12.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    I honestly don't know is the answer, they used to go away and he's insisting it's just the cat and that if they didn't have her it wouldn't be an issue??

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  13.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    so we come back to the cattery .....

  14.  
    • VictoriaL46
      CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    It really does sound like there is something underlying there especially when you say he just shuts down when it's brought up. I would find out what that is before pushing for him to stay the night. It might really be a huge emotional ordeal for him to be away from the house where he feels safe. I know you really want him there hon so I hope this gets sorted for you x

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  15.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    My mum tried the cattery thing already and he reckons the cat is too old and it'll stress her out

    There definitely is something else but I don't thing we're gonna find out. I guess I just need to accept it

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  16.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 3rd 2014
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    if he's not telling you what it is then you are well within your rights to have it out with him, as far as im concerned id just say seeing as that Is 'all' it is, I think you are being unbelievably selfish, ruining mums plans and putting a damper on your day. one night is not a lot to ask for xx

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  17.  
    • *KelBel*
      CommentAuthor*KelBel*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 4th 2014
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    I don't think it's just about the cat ...if he left enough food out,the cat would be ok for that long,they're very self-relying anyway x

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  18.  
    • GemmaB596
      CommentAuthorGemmaB596
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 4th 2014
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    Perhaps its not so much him worrying about the cat's welfare, maybe he has anxiety about leaving the cat with anybody else... I can be kind of the same with my own pets. I rarely go away unless either my partner or my mum can look after them, otherwise I can't relax at all for worrying about them, even though I know that a break in their routine probably bothers me than it does them!
    Where was your mum going to be staying, with you or at a hotel? I would suggest that it may be worth offering to have the cat stay at yours if that is possible, or say that you will try to find a cat-friendly hotel for them to stay at purely so that you can get to the bottom of whether it is the cat or another issue at hand! If he still maintains that he will go home to be with the cat then it will open up a gentle yet frank discussion in which you can ask him to tell you what really is bothering him because you're trying your best to solve the issue but he's not making it very easy on you.
  19.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 4th 2014
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    I'm thinking of writing a letter to him then ringing him once I know it's arrived. What do you think?? I just think if I call he won't talk or listen but would hopefully read

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  20.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 4th 2014
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    sounds like a good idea sonya xx

    and thats a good idea, alot of places do take pets for extra £ per night... id even offer to pay the bloody difference. though i guess he'll try pulling its tooo far for the cat to travel on you

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  21.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 4th 2014
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    He'd just say she'd be stressed travelling and locked in the room on her own

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  22.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jun 5th 2014
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    he needs to go and SEE the cattery before dismissing it , you could do a search online and see what is close and what facilities are like alot of them are really plush

  23.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jun 5th 2014
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    have popped some links on your wall

  24.  
    • Sonya
      CommentAuthorSonya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 5th 2014
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    Thanks lala x

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