I'm after your opinions. Me and the fiance are having a major disagreement at the moment due to our views on children and marriage... He's soon to turn 28, and always had the dream of being married and having children by the time he was 30, and me wanting to be married before having children. Anyway, after an evening of tea and catch up with his best friend and his gf the subject of children came up (a conversation which has occurred alot recently) and he's admitted he's ready to start for a baby, yet when I explained that I wanted to be married before becoming a mother and he completely lost the plot, saying he could spend £15k on better things, even though I tried to tell him I'd done some researching and think I could do it for £4k ish he still didn't like that idea as we don't have that sort of money and how were we to fund a wedding, which i responded by saving save and spend as we go along like most people do and he really didn't like the idea. His friends are also along the same idea that nobody gets married these days and us having our own house is commitment enough, I really don't know what to do.. yes I want to be a mum eventually but I want to be a wife first and can't get that across to Byron, I'm traditional in my ways (although I don't want a traditional wedding) I've got the house with him, next I want the wedding and then the children. I know having a baby takes time, but I just feel I'd like to do things the right way and the way I've always dreamed is that too much to ask??
CommentAuthorMrsL2Be
No hun. Everyone is different. I get married in 6 months and me and h2b have got children already. 2 - a lil girl and boy. Although were quite young (i'm 20, his 21)..
It could take years before you conceive hun. Sit him down and explain how you feel xx
CommentAuthorMadam Butterfly
Aw bex, I know how you feel, I'm a traditional girl too, luckily for me to so is H2B. Its a hard choice as its not the way things are done nowadays, you can do things in any order and its accepted in society. Marriage and children are both a big commitment and you both have to be ready for them before you go ahead. Hope you find a compromise xx
You To Me Are Everything
The Sweetest Song That I Could Sing
Oh Baby
16th June 2012 x
CommentAuthorstressed to max b2b
edited
Don't have a baby if your not ready ever!!! As for marriage u can divorce and not have to Do anything together ever again but having kids u r tied fforever even if u separated u still have to have contact and some kind if relationship with each other for the sake of the kids x kids r more of any commitment than anything else x
met him 25/8/97
he proposed 4/3/98
get married 21/4/12 then i will become mrs johnson
3 beautiful children together
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
Not sure what you're after regarding replies.
Suppose everyone has to decide for themselves what is right or wrong. In an ideal world I would have loved to get married first before having a child but when I was 28 my wish for a child was very much stronger. My h2b was for years and years of the opinion that a wedding needs a big proposal with a diamond on my finger and has to cost a lot of money. He always wanted the huge "fairytale" wedding. A first proposal 6 years ago he had to cancel because of redundancy and it took him - us - years to get back on his/our feet. He just wouldn't accept me not wanting a big ring and a small registry office do. And at that point in our life 4 1/2 years ago we decided to invest into family instead of formality.
I cannot tell you if this was the right or wrong decision - obviously I never ever regretted having our boy and I'm glad I had him at this earlier age especially considering more kids - I don't get younger. But a wedding without kids is for sure easier. I am again glad that we waited all those years - I wouldn't want him any younger at my wedding. And we want another one - so it's now or again wait for years.
The honeymoon is the next thing where taking a child into consideration is not the easiest thing....
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
I have a child already and I sometime get offended when i hear people say they dont want children before marriage, purley because I feel like its a bit of a dig. I think you and your H2b need to have a good chat about it without getting stressed. Like one of the other ladies mentioned if the worse should happen you can always get divorced if things dont work out a child is forever, and they cost....alotmore than a wedding so if you did have a baby before getting married you might not have the expendable cash to get married!
Im just glad i get to have my princcess there with us on our big day and that she is a part of it.
goodluck whatever comes out of it
Our princess was Born 07/06/09
He proposed...I said yes! 27/10/10
Graduate then....
We become the Taylors and I marry my best friend! 4/10/14
CommentAuthorbabybex
I know it's hard to respond to, I just wanted to get it off my chest, I can see what you're all saying, I just wanted to see opinions from my fellow UKB's as I feel stuck in an discussion that's just going round in circles. My best friend got married last yr and chose to not take her kids on her honeymoon, and Byrons cousin got married an took her child on their honeymoon. Ohhhh I just don't know, there's no right or wrong answer it is compromise but the logical way for me is to get married and then have a baby. I know we're in the 21st century and all that but my grandma is of the no children before marriage and all that she's disowned a member of the family for doing that and I couldn't imagine her doing that to me....
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
The thing is - tradition goes out of the window anyway when you've reached the grand old age of 25 and are still unmarried :-)))
I worked as a fertility advisor and talked about cycles, hormones and pregnancy tests all day. It made me extra broody but also very very much aware how fast a woman becomes old when it comes to having children.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorTinsel
I'm 31, not desperate to have children yet as I wanted a career first without compromising on the time I could spend with a baby and wouldn't have children until I was married. It's worked out for me and I know once I'm married, I'll feel ready to have children. If you can have your wedding for £4k and you H2B wants children sooner rather than later, you'll need to convince him you can get married next year. Save as you go along. Most things don't need to be paid for until 6 weeks/one month before anyway x
07.04.12 - the best day of my life!
Living happily ever after as Mrs Nottage x
CommentAuthordolphin
Its really upto you and h2b no one can give you an answer on this one just advice, some people say their not having a child until they can afford one, but with prices rising on everything these days you could be waiting ages, I personally don't think it matters when you have a child as long as your with the person you love and want to be with for the rest of your life. On the other hand ( and sorry to be morbid) but you never know whats round the corner. As for tradition if you go back years and years and depending on your beliefs and how you were dragged up, some people (like my brother who's 45) (me being 32) don't belive in even living with someone before they are married, and he didnt move in with his wife until they were married. As I said before you never know whats going to happen, my brother got married and then moved in with his new bride, then as the tender age of 26 he got testicular cancer, (whitch luckly he now no longer has) but due to this he cant have children. Im not saying you shouldn't be living together yet, as im living with my h2b, but im just suggesting you should both sit down and discuss things, especially as you strongly believe in children after marriage, and he strongly wants children before a certain age and your wedding date is a long time off.x I hope thats some kind of help.lol x
cant wait to marry the man of dreams 18/5/2013
The first time was a rehursal, this time its for life.
CommentAuthorHeLz
Me and h2b decided to go ahead and book our wedding sooner rather than later cuz we can't wait to have kids. So we are having a smaller wedding because I always wanted to do that first then we can think about the children after that :) good luck xx
CommentAuthorJanie
you can do a wedding on 1k, not that thats really an answer for you, but you really can, it's what our budget is, though yes you have to comprimise a lot.
AS for kids, i had one before i was married, but i found out 3 weeks before our wedding he was seeing someone else, i was 12 weeks pregnant and she was 6 weeks!
Then when i actually did get married i was 6 months pregnant...
didnt make a difference to me, we had planned the wedding for a year later but brought it forwards when I found out i was pregnant, but then again i was told i would probably never had kids so didnt try NOT to if that makes sense.
you have to do what you feel is right and not let other people pressure you into it
Remember : To the world you may be just one person,
BUT to one person you may just be THE WORLD x x x
CommentAuthorOWB
I had this issue with my h2b too, neither of us want children in the near future and I've always been completely honest with him and said that I'm not that fussed on having children at all, if it happens it happens, but if it doesn't then it's really no heartbreak for me.
However the one thing I did say is that I wanted to be married before I ever considered children, not because we're not committed etc, but because I wouldn't want our child growing up with a different name to either of it's parents. I now people will disagree and say that it doesn't matter in the 21st century, but it matters to me. I think that's the key, it's up to each couple to decided what matters most to them. When I met Dan he knew I didn't want children, I've come around to the idea since being with him and in return he had to accept that I wanted to be married first.
If only life could be one long tea break
CommentAuthorOfficially Mrs M
i'm with you on this one bex my other half wants kids soon as he's 26 nearly 27 and it panicing but i told him i want to be married and our own house before i even think about having children just because i want the security and don't want my OH to run off when times get hard (he wouldn't but its my biggest fear) and leave the kids with no dad, it sounds a bit selfish but i just want the commitment from him first
8th September 2012 I married my best friend
1st September 2014 our little family grew by one
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
You know he can still do this when you are married? But the spousal allowance is ofc different. Kids would still be without a dad, married or not.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorOfficially Mrs M
edited
i know but i would just feel better being married, thats just me
8th September 2012 I married my best friend
1st September 2014 our little family grew by one
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
CommentAuthorMrsKisywisy
i always thought i'd have kids after marriage but i soon realised life isn't the fairytale we plan in our head. we've got 3 kids and getting married in sept. i have the same view about wanting all my kids before 30. being 30 scares the shit out of me!!!! lol i had a checklist of married, own house and kids before 29 (then give myself a year to enjoy it before saying goodbye to my youth for good *sniff*). 2 out of 3 ain't bad :)
this is quite a big thing to disagree on. you shouldn't have a child to keep anyone happy, but if he wants a child before 30, i don't see why he has to settle either. as i said, this is a big thing and only you and h2b can resolve.
I'M MARRIED!!!
I am now Mrs Bananaman!!!!
13/09/2012 in Peyia Town Hall, Cyprus
CommentAuthorPapillonEmma
I think it has to be a personal decision. I am a traditionalist and have always wanted to wait until Im married before having children. My OH has always known this. I have no issue with those who chose otherwise. Its personal. Really you have to make sure you are comfortable. Children are a big responsibility and once you have them they become your life, so you need to be ready for that, whether you are married or not.
CommentAuthorJanie
I agree it is totally a personal choice. I personally feel married or not IF things go bad then they go bad and people will split up wether theyre married or not BUT i do agree being married gives much more peace of mind and security.
Remember : To the world you may be just one person,
BUT to one person you may just be THE WORLD x x x
CommentAuthorniksibum
Its definantely personal choice, and only you and your h2b can decide whens the right time :) Im having a dilemma as I'm unbelievably broody and me and h2b are both ready to have children, we've discussed it so many time, but his parents are VERY traditional and want us to get married first, and they have such a big pressure on him that he cant say yes to me to start ttc because of them :/ very annoying, feels like they are in control of our lives, not us.
Got engaged 13.8.2010, Greece.
I give my heart to you, I give my heart
'cause nothing in this world can compare to you
CommentAuthorMrsSaraParry!
i completely agree with you! I don't have anything against couples who have children before they marry, but its just something I will not do. I feel really strongly about it and I wouldn't budge when Adam brought it up - he'd be quite happy to just carry on as we are but I said absolutely no, there was no way I was having children if I wasn't married. If you feel so strongly about it, as I did, then stick to your guns. I'm with you all the way on this one xxxx
ps. To the ladies who have had children before marriage, please don't take offence, its just my opinion :o)
CommentAuthormrsV2013
i would have prefered kids after marriage but opps that happened wrong. my h2b wa married b4 and had a few serious relationships which ended as he couldn't get them pregnant (except the marriage which ended coz she was a physotic man beater), so when he met me and i said i wasn't bothered either way about having kids in a tradional way and fostering and adoption always appealed to me (as i was terrifed of childbirth), we got really serious. he was put off with the idea of marriage after his last which again didn't bother me too much as we was having fun. anyway 3 years into the relationship i fell preganant with our daughter which made us completly penniless so when she was two we started taking about getting married as we'd just got out of our rutbut then we found our that i was pregnant again with our son so our plans got put on hold again. now he's almost 2 our plans are back on and we're having to do it b4 anything else happens. i wouldn't give them up for anything but it would have worked better if we'd have got married first. and i agree with some of the others who say they'd prefer to have the kids names same as both parents, it would cause less stress x
hicory vicary dock i will be mrs rachel vicary :)
CommentAuthorMrsL2Be
I want to be like kisywisy.. Kids, married and own house before I'm 30!!
I'm well on my way... I already have 2 children, a boy & girl and due to be married in 6 months..
When I get married I be 21 so I have 9yrs to do get my own (dream) house.. Both are equally a huge committment its just having kids tie you together forever. Its not for everyone having kids first but I'm glad they can be apart of my special day.. If your not ready don't false yourself to be otherwise you'll be unhappy. How about compromising? Pushing the wedding forward earlier? xx
CommentAuthornatalie2614
Id like to be in the group that is married, has a house and at least 1 kid maybe 2 before I'm 30. But nature will determine that in its own time and kids will come along when they want to not when I want them! Id still like to be married before have children though. Just my personal opinion.
Married my best friend 05.04.2013
CommentAuthormrsV2013
I'll have most of it. i'll be 30 when i get married (a week away from 31) but got eveything else
hicory vicary dock i will be mrs rachel vicary :)
CommentAuthorLittleMissBossy
Sara I am never offended. It's just how it is - everyones priorities are different. In my early 20s I was neither interested in children OR marriage. I would have run a mile.... I wanted fun and a career or better put the experience of a certain life style with no obligations to anyone. So that ruled early marriage completely out for me. I met h2b in my mid-twenties when I could gladly settle down and got it all out of my system. So experiencing all of the above mentioned before 30 was never an option for me.
It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life....
CommentAuthorOWB
It is about priorities, my mum only ever wanted to be a housewife and mother. She was married at 19 and by the time she was 26 she had 5 children. The marriage last 17 years, before she realised she was a different person to the one that married my dad.
I'll be 30 next year and up until my mid 20's I wasn't ready to settle down - until I met Dan (I told him I was going to marry on our first date). We've had our house three years, married next year and I'm still not ready to 'settle' with children, there's still things I want to do.
If Dan was desperate to settle down and have children right now then I'm not sure what I'd do. It's a really tricky situation to be in.
If only life could be one long tea break
CommentAuthorLegoWife
Have to agree on the priorities, I want to be married first, have children next and leave the house till last, but that's because my parents have never owned a house so it's not something that's vital for me.
~Wedding made of Lego~
*Married 30/03/13*
CommentAuthorAntonia9
i would prefer to be married before i have children, but like everyone says its each to their own - no particular way is the right or wrong way, and being in a relationship sometimes you have to compromise.
Cant wait to become Mrs Purdie x x x x
May 4th 2013 - The day i get to marry my best friend
CommentAuthorMrsSaraParry!
we already have our own house so getting married is only a formality in terms of committment. The other reason I'm in no real rush to have children, besides the not being married, is that I'm only 24. Adam is 29 and really wants to start thinking about children in the next couple of years, but I'd like to enjoy at least a year of marriage before we start having babies! I'd like to have finished having babies by the time I'm 30 ish as we'd like to have them fairly close together, but like other ladies have said that's not always as easy as it sounds. We'll just have to wait and see what happens...
CommentAuthorShirleygirly
I'm an old fashioned girl and would rather wait until I'm married before having children. I know loads of people who have got kids and have no current plans to get married or are waiting til the kids reach a certain age before doing so and that is fine for them, it just wouldn't be my life plan. I've always felt like this and probably always will due to the fact my parents were married when they had all 3 of us and are still blissfully together 41 years later so marriage is very important to me. H2B & I decided to get married because I'm 32 now and I would ideally like to have a baby before I'm 35. Having said all that, in life you can't plan anything and the liklihood is I'll end up getting pregnant 6 months before my wedding and will have to wear a big dress.
I can't wait until 29/06/2013
The day I marry the man of my dreams!
CommentAuthorKatya
ok i have not read all the replies but here's how it went for me (short version)i was told i couldnt have kids so was content with getting married and living together.... well we were just s3x buddies and then i got really sick... i was hoping he would surprise me and propose fairly soon, i would have said yes i was waiting for it... then i got more ill and i panicked when i realised he hadnt hurt me nor i him yet (all my relationships i got hurt soon in) so i panicked and ditched him..... i wanted to be with him but i was worried me being ill all the time would make him wanna be with someone healthy. the day after we broke up i realised i was 6 days late and did a test at the advisement of my flat mate.... low and behold i was pregnant!!!!!!
having thought it was not possible due to medical situation i was scared silly but at the same time really wanted the baby! scr3w the idea of him proposing i wanted this baby! i knew it might be the only chance i had. i was 19 when i got pregnant with my eldest. we now have 2 beautiful boys! i was taking the pill and he using dur3x because i didnt wanna miscarry which i always did... despite the contraceptive i have 2 boys!!!
we are still not married but have been engaged since my 20th birthday im 24 now! now i have my kids i cant wait to be his wife. however just because this is how it worked out for us does not mean this is right for you. in my situation i consider my kids "meant to be" or "miracles" they were a sign! i was meant to have kids and i was meant to have deans kids and if i hadnt have been pregnant we prolly wouldnt have go back together. we were meant to be and our kids ensured that.
no way is the right way! stop worrying about kids or wedding... if your meant to have kids first, you will! tell your h2b this too! but dont try for kids either... trying for kids adds stress which means its less likely to get pregnant anyway! they will happen if and when they are supposed to!
good luck!
Find out who you are & do it on purpose!
CommentAuthorTotallyLovedUp
i have two children and we arent married yet, but that was our decision. if i was more traditional and was set on being married first, i would want my partner to accept my wishes and support my decisions and not try and force me one way or the other. Having children is a huge deal and if you dont feel comfortable having them before you are married or even after, don't. no one, not your fiance or anyone else has the right to guilt you or persuede you to have children before you are ready.
i dont see it as a dig or anything like some people do, as like i said it was my decision to have children out of wedlock and it is yours to have children after you are married. I will say though that your biological clock is ticking and you might want to think abotu that too :) x
CommentAuthorbabybex
thanks for all your input again ladies, if the MIL wasn't so pushy I don't think I'd be worrying about this, but she's on at us regular for a grandchild I want to have babies in my own time (ideally after marriage) but if it's meant to happen it will happen, I am on the pill and have been for about 8 and half years.
grrr I hate this grown up malarky, I would love to be 14 again no worries!
I have nothing against anyone who has children outside of marriage, just my view and wishes would be to do it with marriage first.. I know we have our own house and that's commitment but I want to be a princess and have that super special day and not have to worry about a baby/toddler whatever I want to be selfish on my wedding day! I am by no means a selfish person I would give my last penny to anyone but my wedding day is about me and H2B.... bleugh.....
CommentAuthorMrsSaraParry!
you shouldn't have to justify your decision to anyone, if you're not ready then you're not ready, simple. xx
CommentAuthortimpson123
If you don't think you are ready then i would definitely wait to have kids. Doesn't sound like you would be able to handle it just yet and it would be awful if you resented the child for being born before you had chance to get married or your husband. No one can tell you what is the right thing to do, but you can plan as much as you want in life and it will very rarely work out. I think its more important that a child is loved by both parents than it is that they are married. Just my opinion.
