Wedding Forum - Cant cope with much more from the mother in law - Page 1

Wedding Forum - Cant cope with much more from the mother in...

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Family/Attendants Stress: Cant cope with much more from the mother in law

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- CommentAuthorEllenS40
I am having real bad issues with my partners mother!
Firstly she hasnt been a huge part of his life (he was brought up in care, and is now 35yrs). We have written our guest list where in the day we are keeping it minimal with only close family and friends and then in the evening we are having a party where there are quite a lot invited.
His mum rung me the other day (drunk) laying the law down with me that I had to invite certain people otherwise none of my partners family was coming. I told her how we was keeping to a tight budget. Though the person she wanted there we fell out with back last yr, to cut a long story short this person is my partners aunty. She fell out with my partner and then said she wanted to come to my house to smash my face in (not someone i would like to share my big day with really). I have said if she came to see me to apologise then maybe we could put differences aside but this hasnt happened (the row was started by his mum who is quite self centred and hates seeing her grown up children, 5 of them happy, though its only my husband and his brother that have distanced themselves from her, which she hates and blames me for). I told his mum how there are only so many people invited in the day and how not everyone from my family are going to be there due to being on a budget, her reply to me was Bo***cks (sorry for language).
She has said how i am the one forcing my partner to marry me, he was the one after 12yrs of being together that proposed to me (when i have said with everything going on we could postpone it as i lost my dad 6wks ago, got made redundant in Sep, though i do have a new job now thankfully.
I cant cope with any more and dont know what to do??
I feel my partner is some how afraid of her and tells me one thing ie saying he has had ago at her just to keep the peace! I understand she is his mum and always will be but she has put a huge downer on a day I have been earning for with my partner.
She has put so many hurtful status's on facebook mainly about my partner one of them saying how he should have died and not her son, my partners brother who sadly passed away 2yrs ago. amongst other messages she always puts on there.
I know this is who she is and how she goes about things and understand how my partner always takes everything she says falls out with her for a few wks and then everything is ok because she is his mother after all....but me on the other hand cant! I cant sit back and let her think she can keep saying so many hurtful things and think she can get away with it every time....but worried one day I will loose my partner because of this!
She has said once the papers are signed on my wedding day she has every right in having ago at me due to being my mother in law.....sorry but i am not having her who hasnt been a huge part of my life in the 12yrs i have been with my partner think she can control me I am 37yrs of age with my own life and own family (im even a grandmother at 37yrs)

Im stressed out and so not enjoying the build up to what is supposed me be the happiest day of our lives! My partner has said for me to not worry as if she starts on the day he will go mad and as long as me and him are smiling and enjoying our day thats all counts....but its not going to be that easy!

ADVICE PLEASE....what can i do? what would yo do?
- CommentAuthormillz090
Im sorry and going to be very blunt here but your partner needs to man up and stand up to his mother. If anyone ever spoke or treated me or my partner in the way then they would know about it..... it sounds like a playground of falling out with people, you are grown people ! He needs to tell his mother to butt out and keep her nasty opinions to herself, especially saying once you are married she has the right in having a go - how old is this woman? She needs to start treating people like adults and not dirt and if your partner isnt standing up for you and himself then you need a firm word. He and you shouldn't be standing for this as deserve better.... I would stay well away from her and until she starts being pleasant then she isnt worth it.

Finally marrying the love of my life !!
10th August 2013 - 9 years to the day we met !
- CommentAuthorEllenS40
millz090 Thank You so much! As part of me has been thinking is it me? Have i done something wrong?? But the answer to that is yes i have.....I have made her son HAPPY and she resents me for it! Yes we have our rows (tell me a relationship that doesnt) but after 12yrs of being together we do luv one another he took me on with my 3 children and we have a child (9yrs) of our own.
I cant take much and so want to enjoy the wedding planning and most importantly i so want to enjoy our day......but cant see this happening! The way its going i will be saying to my partner he chooses me or her....though i dont want to say this but its slowly coming that way as at end of day regardless she is and always will be his mother.....though i am marrying him I AM NOT marrying her or his family as they have never been around in the 12yrs we have been together
- CommentAuthormillz090
You sound like you know what you need to do anyway honey and you know you shouldnt be standing for it.... my h2b sisters was quite rude to me, apparently im a snob, look down my nose at everyone and took h2b away from the family. I didnt need to reply as H2B immediately stood up for me and told her that her opinions were not needed and she was rude plus a few home truths and i make him happy and thats all that matters, he is marrying me not her. Anyway she didnt like being stood up too so cut him out.... yes we are sad but it was her choice and we wont be walked all over. Good luck xxx

Finally marrying the love of my life !!
10th August 2013 - 9 years to the day we met !
- CommentAuthorOfficially Mrs M
I agree with Millz, your H2B needs to man up and tell his mother to butt out. she sounds like someone who i wouldn't like to have at my big day and it would be much easier just to tell her not to come. i don't understand that if your H2B and his brother have distanced themselves from her why they would invite her if she has never really been apart of there lives!?

Tell him to get her told and put her in her place and tell her to keep her mouth shut otherwise her invite will be removed and if they rest of the family don't come then its her own doing and she will have to live with the fact that not only did she ruin your H2B's life by not being there she also ruined the best day of his life!

8th September 2012 I married my best friend
1st September 2014 our little family grew by one

Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

- CommentAuthorCatrinaP
cant you get a restraining order on her to keep her away ,i wouldnt be having her at my wedding or any of his family that wanted to take her side i dont have a future motherinlaw to worry about my h2b s mother walked out on him and hiis sister when they were little and took the younger kids with her he has had no contact since even though she is only a few mile away as far as he is concerned he dont have a mother so she wont be invited ,hope it all works out for you in the end , if it was me id just tell them straight not to bother turning up there not welcome xx
- CommentAuthorSazzell23
Hey hun, I think you need to get some time with your h2b and have a really good talk with him and get across how strongly you feel, how its badly affecting you now and that he must take some action. Be brutally honest and tell him exactly what you're thinking and feeling. Then together you can come up with a plan of action. Try to stay calm and get it all out to him but make him realise that you are at your wits end now and its affecting you so much. You need to deal with this head on before it ruins your day. Speaking from experience hun and I wish I had done this with my MIL issues and not tried to carry on regardless xxx
- CommentAuthorbarbie86
I agree with millz, though I'd go a step further: if my OH sat back and watched his mother treat me like that, I would seriously consider ending the relationship. As far as I'm concerned, being related to someone is utterly meaningless. If they treat you badly, there is zero reason to stay in contact with them. Likewise, if they treat someone you love badly. If my parents behaved like that towards my OH, they'd be out of my life, simple as that. And I would expect the same from my OH.

In fact, about 18 months ago I had a huge falling out with his mother, because she treated me absolutely appallingly (long story short, she'd been in hospital for 3 months due to nerve damage caused by drinking; she was being neglected in hospital, and I took it upon myself to battle with the doctors and ensure she got the care she needed; this involved writing lengthy letters, attending various meetings and taking minutes, missing university, and missing work. She repaid me by using me as an excuse to get her hands on alcohol, saying she wanted to go shopping (I took a day out at a VERY busy time at university to go with her), and then asking if she could go off on her own to get materials to make an engagement card for us. She bought alcohol while I was gone, and then proceeded to tell my OH and his brother that I'd 'abandoned' her in the middle of M&S, and temptation got too much. I hit the roof, called her every word under the sun, and didn't speak to her for several months). During this time, my OH took my side 100%, and actually stopped talking to his mother. He was also prepared to exclude her from the wedding if we hadn't patched things up.

Basically, your OH should be doing the same, IMO. I can't fathom why he wants this woman at your wedding if he is not close to her, and she treats you so badly. I think you need to have a long chat about this, and explain how you feel; and honestly, were it me, I would deliver an ultimatum: he sticks up for me, and excludes her from the wedding, or there is no wedding. I don't usually believe in ultimatums but having been in a similar situation to you, I know that I myself could not marry someone who didn't put me above his lunatic drunk mother he isn't even close to. If you don't deal with this now, this is an issue that will continue to crop up throughout your relationship; and I personally could not marry someone knowing that.
- CommentAuthorTori
Don't forget that your partner was brought up in care and will likely have spent his whole childhood feeling rejected by his mother. This will have an effect on him even though he is now an adult, deep down he may still 'crave' hos mothers approval. I don't think that he is not man enough to stand up to his mum but this is someone that has had a negative impact on him thoughout his whole life.

I think you need to stand firm and not be walked over by her but perhaps understand that he may not be able to stand up to her x
- CommentAuthorEllenS40
Thank You all for each message given! Everyone of you have given me such lovely words of encouragement and determination.

Today i told my H2B that we was going to go and speak to his mum about everything and how i wanted him there to be my witness as i know how horrid she may be if i went on my own!

There was talking and shouting on both parts but i got off my chest where I basically told her the wedding day was our day and not hers and she should respect that.....we are having people there that we want there and thats our choice as its our day not anyone elses!
She said some hurtful things brought on the tears but thankfully my partner sat besides me and listened to every word that was said and backed me up and he basically said all of this has to stop now!!
Came from there feeling as if i had done the right thing only to find she has spoken to someone and blatantly bad mouthed me! I am now turning my back on her waiting for her to slip up in public view to my partner to show my partner how i was right that she is never going to change then i will be saying if the wedding is going ahead its either he tells her straight she isnt invited or i wont be attending my own wedding and it will be over for good as i wont marry someone who can not show his loyalty to me the person he is supposed to luv (though hand on heart i do truely believe he does luv me).
He has and does put her in her place when she is out of order but i truely do believe he does feel rejected and your right Tori he is craving his mothers luv as sad as it is and i do feel for him as he knows no better....but i dont have to put myself through it! Thank U all as i was starting to think it was me who was in the wrong but i was then starting to think why am i wrong for wanting to have a day all about me and my H2B xxx
- CommentAuthor*KelBel*
Sounds to be she hasn't sorted her life out since her son was a child.... And looks like he just forgives her for everything all the time, but there comes a time where u just can't help someone and have to move on no matter how heartbreaking it may be.... Which maybe he should do in this case....
He definitely needs to stand up to her rather than u taking all this rubbish and stress off her.... She sounds a lot like my ex's mother (who had an affair with his dads best mate for 2yrs and is now married to him) who felt she could belittle me every time she saw me, she's one of the reasons our relationship ended, well as well as a little violence and him trying to make out I was depressed to whoever would listen....
I know now how a family should be,my h2b's family are pretty amazing, I thought I had a decent family but I sometimes wish mine were more like they are....
Stick to your guns!!! Xx

Velcro...my wedding day twinny! The Two Kel's!
Got engaged 14/10/12 in Central Park NYC!
Became Mrs Macdonald 13th September 2014
Mummy to 4 girlies and baby blue boy Due 10/05/2016
- CommentAuthorVictoriaE35
We had the same sort of thing with h2b dad's girl friend. She said some nasty things about him and when she did not get a reation she moved on to me. She said some rude, hurt full things about me and as soon as she did h2b went mad - he spoke to his dad and her and she then decided that she did not want anything more to do with us which ment not seeing our 3 children. We see his dad once every2 weeks and we hope he will come to the wedding but I am not holding my breath - the door is open for him but Idoubt he will walk through it. x
- CommentAuthorMrs-Mouse-2-be
Does he really want or need her to be there? If the answer is no then why doesn't he just tell her not to bother coming? It seems he has got on in life ok without her so I'm wondering why is he having her there?

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