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Wedding Forum - Arguing with fiance over his sister...

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  1.  
    • Moonpie
      CommentAuthorMoonpie
      Posted: Nov 5th 2014
      edited
     
    Hey everyone,

    I'm sorry if this turns into a long post, I just need a but of a vent. I just had a huge argument with my fiance over his sister.
    To give the background first, we are getting married next summer abroad, in the town that I come from. I now live in the UK with him. His sister was going to be a bridesmaid and his niece a flower girl. She found out a while back that she's pregnant, which is obviously amazing for her and I was ecstatic for her and her husband. Then my fiance told me that she probably wouldn't come to the wedding as she is due a couple of months before the wedding and the baby will be too young. I felt really bad that she might not be able to be there for him and started suggesting that we have it here instead but he said no because he knew I had always wanted to be married back home. At first I kept trying to talk him into it because he's very close to his sister and I felt like he would regret it or feel like not everyone he wanted to be there would be. Then one night we were out at dinner with his family and his mum mentioned about the baby being due 5 months before the wedding, at which point his sister shushed her like we weren't supposed to know. After that I stopped pushing him to have it here because, although it's totally her choice whether or not to come, at 5 months I know plenty of people who travel with their babies (I have done it with a 4month old and a two year old and I have plenty of friends and family who have made the trip, a two hour flight, with babies just as young) so I thought if she really wanted to be there she could be. There would be plenty of people to help and support her,from both her family and mine. She has never mentioned not coming to the wedding to me and has just said once to him that she wasn't sure if she'd be able to make it now but apparently says to his mum that she won't be there.

    Anyway, today he went to see his sister and when he got back he mentioned that they were talking about the wedding. I asked if she said anything about whether or not she will come and he said she's definitely not coming. I asked if she has said that to him herself and he said, 'no, but she's told my mum that she 100% won't be there.' I then (maybe unfairly?) said that I think she should at least tell us herself because right now i feel awkward mentioning the wedding in front of her or bringing it up without her ever having said to me,at which point he got really annoyed with me and was saying she's just so upset she can't bring herself to say it to us. We then got into this huge argument about it. He asked how would i feel if it was my sister to which i said, my sister would be there if she was in that situation so obviously that didnt go down well. He is very protective of his family and always has been, to the point where I'm pretty sure they come before me. As far as he's concerned they can do no wrong. I don't think his sister is doing anything really wrong but I just feel like it would be courteous for her to speak to us about it in person.

    I feel bad for him. His sister's husband is a good friend of his and I feel like he could at least come with their other daughter but that's not even been a consideration. I know he is getting married over there just for me. He has a very small family, they aren't close with his aunts, unclrs , cousins etc so they won't be coming. His idea of the perfect wedding is just us with our immediate families. Whereas I have a big extended family who are very close and lots of close friends and want to celebrate with them. I don't think it mattered too much with me having so many more guests than him when the guests that mattered most to him were there, but now his sister isn't coming he's down to about 10-15 guests on his side, minus her being one of the most important obviously.

    We've booked and paid deposits but i still wonder if we should cancel and have it here. It would be for him but I think I would be very resentful towards her for it because I think she could come if she really wanted to.
  2.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 5th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I don't think you should cancel, but is there room for a compromise of some sort? Would you consider, for example, having a blessing and a small get together with just his family, including his sister, when you get back? Also, if he wanted something a lot smaller, have you considered a compromise by way of an intimate ceremony for immediate family and best friends only, and then having everyone else join you for the reception?

    I also personally don't think it sounds as though he puts his family before you; I think if that was the case he wouldn't have agreed to have it abroad in your home country, and have a bigger wedding than he might perhaps want.

    With regards to his sister, I wouldn't be too hard on her. While yes, she COULD travel with a 5 month old, it is a lot of hassle and she may not feel comfortable doing it; and that's really her choice. With regards to her not having told you yet, I imagine that this might be because she may not be totally certain yet, despite what his mother has said. I imagine you haven't sent the invitations out yet, so if so, I would just wait until you have and then see what they do. If of course you've already sent them and they've RSVP'd yes, then yes, I do think you (or rather your OH) need to gently broach the subject and ask what her intentions are.

    Ultimately though it isn't going to affect things that much: you gave your OH the option to change, he doesn't want to, so leave it at that.
  3.  
    • Moonpie
      CommentAuthorMoonpie
      Posted: Nov 5th 2014
     
    We are actually already having a blessing here before we go, a Scottish hand fasting ceremony with just our immediate families. We were going to do that so that, like you say, we have our intimate moment as well as a blessing over here.

    I keep wondering if she hasn't made up her mind yet and hoping that she might change her mind later on but he is adamant that she definitely isn't. His family are big worriers over every little thing and he's saying things like they are worried about doctors outside the UK etc. At least if she said to me or brought it up then I could maybe put her at ease because the country I'm from is known for having one of the best paedeaatric care systems in the world and people travel there from the UK and USA with their children for treatment. At the end of the day I know it's her decision but I just wish she would at least say to us about it rather than us having to hear second hand.
  4.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Nov 5th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    dont you dare change your plans for her ........ one of mr lalas sisters didn't come to our wedding because "it was the only possible time they could get a pitch for their motor home at a camping site in France " ... the fact that they are self employed and could go anytime of the year .... i didn't even send her an invite as i said i had handmade them all and didn't see the point of sending one when she had already said she wouldn't be coming

  5.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 5th 2014
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    I certainly wouldn't consider changing your plans if your H2B isn't asking you to. It sounds like she could easily come if she really wanted to, surely at five months the baby could be left with a friend, or maybe the father's family, if they don't want to travel with him/her. It's frustrating that she won't talk it through with you, but there isn't a lot that you can do about it. If you have said to your husband that paediatric care is good in your country then it's up to him to pass that information on if he is desperate to have her there.

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  6.  
    • CamilaL
      CommentAuthorCamilaL
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 5th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Why don't you go and talk to her? She was supposed to be your bm, so, in theory, you should feel free to talk to her about it. Tell her that you feel terrible about don't having her there, and most important, that you know how much it means to your fiance. But give her the free choice. Like said before, it's possible to travel with a 5 m.o. baby, but it's not easy... and you have to understand her point.
    If she is not going at all, just keep calm and accept that. Talk to your fiance and ask him if it will be alright for him. I don't really see a point on having a wedding party when both are not 100% satisfied. You said that he didn't want to do it in the UK, so just help him to feel better about the situation ;)
  7.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Nov 6th 2014
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      edited
     
    I wouldn't change your plans just to suit her. It's a shame that she says she isn't coming, but in my opinion it's up to her to make the effort and try her best to be there to see her brother get married.. it seems like that obviously isn't majorly important for her, otherwise she wouldn't even consider missing it.

    I would probably make the first move and have an adult conversation with her rather than walking on eggshells around her and not knowing where you stand. Let her know that you're really disappointed she's not going to make it, that your OH is upset about it and explain to her about the healthcare over there.. maybe you could help put her mind at ease? I understand she may not want to travel with a baby so young, but surely other family members would be more than willing to help look after him/her and ease the stress/worry whilst over there?

    Like barbie said, I don't think your OH puts his family first over you as he wouldn't have agreed to have the wedding abroad otherwise. It's no good letting this come between you and cause arguments though.. it's something that is out of your hands and can't control unfortunately. He may be upset but that's something he needs to take up with his sister, not you.

    It may be harsh, but those who really, really want to be at your wedding will be x

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    18th June 2016
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  8.  
    • *KelBel*
      CommentAuthor*KelBel*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 6th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Definitely don't change your plans! I also find it odd with the 'shushing' part of her being due 5 months before the wedding as that sounds like she's deliberately deceiving you to give an excuse .... Surely she's not gonna give birth then say oops baby was 3 months early but weighs 8 lb and your hubby to be is that gullible he will believe such rubbish??
    Have your wedding abroad the way you've planned and let her be the selfish, self centred brat she is being... It's very sad that she hasn't told you in person either, and even more sad that your h2b keeps backing her x

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