We're having a largely adult's only wedding. Only 3 'children' will be in attendance: OH's 11 year old cousin who's a bridesmaid, my 12.5 year old cousin, and OH's 16 year old cousin. We have chosen not to invite small children (3 of our day guests have small children; no-one else does) for several reasons inc the fact that we don't like children (we don't want our own), we aren't close to the children of these guests (we are close to our cousins and that's it), our venue and style of wedding is not child-friendly (luxury 5* boutique hotel; reception going on until around 3am with a lot of cash behind the bar; tiny dance-floor; etc), and, finally, we simply do not have space; inviting these guest's toddlers would mean not being able to invite adults we are actually close to.
We have been upfront with our guests, and we also understand if they cannot attend as a result; we appreciate that it is entirely their decision and would never make them feel bad.
My parents are totally on board, and agree with our choice.
One of our guests is now expecting, and due in April, 4 months before the wedding (they also have a 2 year old). This couple are close friends of my parents, and OH and I get on great with them. We would love them to come, but understand that in the circumstances they may not be able to; I spoke to my mum and we agreed that provided they let us know, say, a week before, we're happy to let them go with the flow and decide what will be best for them (NB: they have no issues leaving the baby; but she will be breastfeeding so obv if the baby isn't taking the bottle (they hope it will) then they won't be able to attend).
Anyway, my dad gets home from the pub last night and informs me that this friend has just booked 2 hotel rooms (we have exclusive use BTW so only wedding guests are supposed to be stayed); I was like 'Umm, why? There's only two of them' and he informs me that they booked an extra room for the grandmother and baby, so that if the baby is still breastfeeding, she can go up and breastfeed as an when required.
I was fuming!
1) We have two other guests who have small children; if they see the baby, they will be understandably annoyed and upset.
2) I find it inappropriate for someone who hasn't been invited to stay; it also means that someone who IS invited may not be able to stay, and may have to stay elsewhere.
3) If the baby need to be settled, the grandmother may need to take her out for a walk; again see point 1. Also, I can see other guests thinking we're awful for making them 'hide away' and pressuring us to include the baby; which is NOT happening.
In short, it isn't happening. However, my dad, because he couldn't just have been upfront in the first place, is now going to have to call them and explain, and they're going to have to get a refund; I can see that going down really well!
I'm really cross; as is my OH and mum. My dad always does this: he hates being the bad guy, so instead of simply saying, when the issue came up a week ago (which apparently it did; I wasn't informed unfortunately), 'Sorry, but the wedding is strictly adult's only, and that extends to the accommodation too; we really hope you can make it, but it won't be possible for you to book a room for the baby as it wouldn't be fair on our other guests' (which is what I'd have said), he's now created this whole mess.
I reckon he thought we'd cave and be like 'Oh, it's OK; the baby can come!' but we really feel strongly about this so that has never been an option.
GRRRR!!
EDIT: Just want to clarify: I am NOT blaming the couple at all; I feel bad for them because they're going to be mortified when my dad calls. I blame my dad for not making it clear from the off, as soon as booking 2 rooms was mentioned; he should have said then, and we'd have avoided all this >-(
CommentAuthorb2bnicola
Bless ya hun! What a nightmare! I bet ur dad didnt mean to do it deliberate just some people hate confrontation. I hope u get it all sorted. Perhaps write down what ur dad has to say to these guests and get him to phone them whilst ur there so u know its done? x
Happily Married! :) xxx
CommentAuthorclairenina
Oh my word, I would be livid too. We are not having any children at all at our wedding. This is your day and it's so awful that you are even faced with these issues. It SHOULD be clean cut, either they come as a couple, or they don't, but I understand it can strain friendships too. Is there any way, you could have a word with them, and explain the "no children", and say it puts you in an awkward position with other people if you make an exception? I don't mean to sound awful, but your friends baby's feeding pattern shouldn't be a worry to you x
CommentAuthorbarbie86
b2bnicola: you read my mind lol; that is exactly what I plan on doing! I'm just really worried he'll make me look like some unreasonable, child-hating demon, and that isn't the case here. I even briefly considered just leaving it last night, but on reflection, and after speaking to my mum and OH, that just isn't going to be possible; it's not fair to have one rule for them and a different one for everyone else, and honestly, we just don't want a baby there, awful as I'm sure that sounds to some.
I was thinking he should apologise and say that he should have realised last week and spoken up then, when he first mentioned getting two rooms, but that it just didn't click and he didn't think, and that he didn't mention it last night because other people were there and he thought it might be awkward, and then to just explain the situation: that unfortunately it really is strictly adult's only, and because we have other guests who aren't bringing their infants, we can't make an exception as it wouldn't be fair (yada yada yada), and that we really hope they still come.
I feel awful TBH; that is going to be one awkward conversation and I really hope they don't hate me/us after :-(
clairenina: thanks so much for your support :-) Yeah, my dad's going to call and explain (and grovel!). They're very sensible so I honestly think they just got caught up in the excitement and thought it'd be a great solution, without thinking that it would have implications, and then my dad obv didn't help by not setting them straight straight away (I really blame him in all this, not the couple; they'll be mortified when my dad speaks to them which is another reason I'm livid with him, grr!)
CommentAuthorbarbie86
Also to add: I love my dad to bits and feel bad for ranting about it, he has good intentions and isn't some controlling weirdo lol, I was just gob-smacked when he told me and am so annoyed at how much of a mess it's caused :-s
I know this is a right bother etc, maybe they did not realise the accomidation was out if bounds for the kids too. I mean atleast it shows how much they care and want to be there to share your day! X
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
CommentAuthorbarbie86
Lana: oh yeah I agree :-) I absolutely, 100% do not blame them at all; it's my dad who's at fault! Like I said above I just know they'll probably be mortified when we explain, and I'm really cross with him for putting them (and us!) in such an awkward situation when it could so easily have been avoided by him being up-front and honest from the off! >-(
CommentAuthorkatielea100
They wouldn't of realised at the time and i totally understand why shes done it even though you are angry and she should of asked you first she obviously thought you might be upset if they didn't turn up but I cannot believe you don't like children :O they are the most beautiful most rewarding creation in the world lol
CommentAuthorbarbie86
katielea: see above :-) Not blaming the couple at all :-)
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
I know you want a adult only wedding ( so did we) but surely if the baby is staying in the room with grandma you will still have this . Yes your dad spoke out of turn but it's not like the baby is going to be AT the wedding
Good for you for sticking to your guns! I'm not the biggest fan of kids myself but there's no way we could avoid a child free wedding and tbh we don't really have that many young ones.... We've got 7 months to go and no ones pregnant and I'm thinking thank god god as they'd still be pregnant at the wedding!
Lala- i think shes concerned if they do stay in a room that's another guest that then cannot stay...
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorKatya
surely if the grandmother will be there to stay with the baby, surely the baby could stay at the grandmothers house?
Regarding feeding... I had to go to a funeral not long after my eldest was born, so i expressed milk so that he still had breast milk rather than formula, I also did this everynight for the nighttime feeds so that my h2b could feed our son (h2b worked nights, but had about 3 hours in the middle of his shift so he came home during that time). it meant i was able to get some much needed sleep. Surely this lady could express her milk?
Find out who you are & do it on purpose!
CommentAuthorLauraM9144
thinking maybe i have read this wrong? and obviously this is just my opinion! but why was your ad in the wrong maybe he thought the same as i wuld and thought it would probably be better for the grandmother to stay over with the baby out of the way as you dont like children but close enough that the NEW parents can also be with you and enjoy it without stressing out about the baby? in my opinion if you dont want that to happen and the thought of children so much as staying at the venue horrifies you then maybe instead of getting your dad to write a note then maybe you could call them yourself and explain why you are not happy. if that is something you are uncomfortable with then maybe that suggests you dont think you are being entirely fair?
PLEASE NOTE: this is just my opinion and not meant to cause any upset.
One BIG day will lead to lots of little happy days !!
CommentAuthorsarah
TBH I don't see the problem. The baby will not be at the wedding, it will be cared for it's grandmother. I don't think it's appropriate to tell your guests how many rooms they can and cannot book if they are paying for the rooms. I also don't think that your father should call the couple to explain your wishes regarding the room situation. This is your wedding, and they should hear the news from you.
CommentAuthorCarolineW10
This is a tough one! I originally wanted no children at my wedding- but i now have 5 coming! i wasnt strong enough to stick to my guns and say no is n o- each of my guests have just gone over my head and planned it. Children under 4 are free to eat at my venue so i suppose its not really costing me any extra, i just hope they are quiet during the ceremony!
Your poor dad having to explain- dont get me wrong i know exactly what you mean but id hate to be in his position. I guess that your guests have tried to make it so that they dont miss your wedding but also so they dont have to leave their baby. I personally dont understand why people can't me split from their children for a few hours (obviously i dont have children so i can't possibly know what im talking about) Goodluck to you and your dad, hope they understand
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
Personally i think it is a bit harsh to blame your dad. He might not be aware of ALL of your plans for the wedding and may not have seen this situation being a problem. Again my personal opinion is that it should be you that calls the guests to explain what you want and not your dad. This is your wedding and if you are not happy with something you should fix it not your dad. To say that you would stand by the phone and listen to him explaining what you want him to express is unfair and comes across as a bride having a bit of a strop. I will be having very few children at my wedding and any other guests with children will be being told that, BY ME x
CommentAuthorSamanthaA83
I've got lots of children coming to my wedding obviously including my own but I wouldn't have it any other way but if it's a child free wedding you want then that is entirely up to you as of course it's your wedding but the way I see it is they are going along with your wishes not have the children at your wedding but to still be at hand in case they are needed,it doesn't mean they are going to bring the baby down from the room it just means they are close enough if needed,I really don't see the issue and I agree with Sarah if they are paying for the rooms themselves then what's the problem.if it was at your home then I would completely understand but the baby will be in the hotel room with grandma.I'm sorry if I sound harsh but for e.g. if there was another hotel next door and grandma and baby stayed there (which you would have no say in) then there would be just as much chance as the baby being seen near or at your venue.also agree with other ladies if you are dead set against it you should really tell them yourself. X
05-12-2004 My big girl was born
30-09-2009 My lil man was born
23-03-2012 My baby boy was born
26-04-2014 I marry the man of my dreams
CommentAuthorBlue
Im having a child free (ish) wedding, only my own daughter and my niece is coming. Suppose it comes down to how much you want this couple to attend your wedding. I think their idea of grandma upstairs with baby is a good compromise myself. but id make it clear any wedding areas are out of bounds. Your other option is to ask them not to have grandma upstairs, but id not make my dad do this, i'd do it myself just to make sure they understood the situation. As the guest - i certainly wouldnt leave my 16 week old baby with grandma at home, with a baby that young i'd want to know i could be there if needed, not just for feeding, but as a protective mother, but i'd also want to find a way to share your day. Which i think is what they have done. :)
Lauren & Andrew
26 . 07 . 2014
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
Blue x
CommentAuthorElizabethF49
If I was the couple and you or your dad phoned me and said under no circumstances has a baby to be in the building I'd tell you to shove your wedding. Having a baby is a major thing and at 16 weeks old I'd struggle to leave the baby at home with its dad never mind anyone else. I think what your friend has done is a great compromise as long as they know that the baby and grandma aren't to be near the wedding. All it means is that if the baby needs mum she will be there within a couple of mins max, the chances are the baby won't need mum any way.
As for another guest missing out on a room for the night unfortunately that's the way the cookie crumbles, not all guests will want to stay over either. My personal opinion is that your making a mountain out of a molehill.
At the end of the day it's your wedding and you have it as you wish but I think if you push the. Not to have the baby there they will not be at your wedding and putting your friendship at risk.
After 7 years and 11 months he proposed to me 18.10.13
Our son is 5 years old and our world
Getting married 15.08.15.
Life hasnt been easy but we have each other :)
CommentAuthorSamanthaA83
05-12-2004 My big girl was born
30-09-2009 My lil man was born
23-03-2012 My baby boy was born
26-04-2014 I marry the man of my dreams
CommentAuthornadia13
It's your wedding if you don't want the baby there or the room booked then you shouldn't... If the grand mother is willing to look after the baby in a room why can't she look after the baby at her home ??? And as for the room it can be used for guest that is important to you and who you do what there & to stay so I see where your coming from!! I didn't want children at my wedding only family (which is just the 4) so some of our friends couldn't make it due to no babysitters even tho I feel that had plenty of time to find one but I accepted this as it was my choice... Rather them not be there then some kid running around!!! X
CommentAuthorMrsL2be
I am torn on this as we too are having an almost child free wedding with the exception of my son, nephew and our flower girl. I know how hard it is to have a life during breastfeeding and some babies just don't take to a bottle. I think this is why they thought it was a good idea to have the grandparents close by so if they can't get the baby to feed with a bottle then mum would only be downstairs and can have a night off without panicking about the baby not feeding. Obviously it is your wedding and you have exclusive use for a reason but for me I would allow it as long as there was enough rooms for all the other guests who require rooms. I have been to a couple of exclusive use weddings and at both their was rooms left over right up to the actual wedding night.
It seems clear that these friends really want to be at your wedding as not many people would go to all the trouble of booking 2 rooms and arranging for parents to stay just so they could make someone's wedding unless they genuinely wanted to be there and celebrate the marriage of the two people.
Xxx
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
We will have lots of children at our wedding, but I can understand the problem. Obviously I can see that they have tried to make a compromise, but I can understand that you have concerns about the grandmother staying when everyone else has been told strictly that only guests can stay. Could it be a last minute thing, that if there is a room left over the grandmother can stay? Or would the hotel provide some sort of sitting service so that the baby can be left upstairs and the grandmother doesn't need to be there? They certainly should have checked with you before making any arrangements.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorBeckyU98
we have 8 children coming to the day. 2 are bridesmaids and 1 is page boy. The others are either cousins or cousins children. however at our venue under 5s are free and its 9.95 for 5-12 year olds so we are only pay £39 for the kids at our wedding so im not bothered.but obviously it is your choice. if you dont want kids thats fine. if their names arent on the invite then it think its rude to ask and what they have done is also a little rude but they did ask your dad. personally i think they should just pop home if she needs to feed the baby.
however i would probably just leave it all now that it has happened. like everyone has said its not like the child will be at the wedding. if you dont have many rooms then maybe you should have asked people to book through you and not distribute the info out to everyone. if you kick up a fuss now then might just book a hotel nearby and will probably make you look bad.
would be interesting to see what you did and if you have an update on this? x
Blue x
