FREE Wedding Table Planner

+ FREE Wedding Budget Planner and more wedding planning tools

Join now free to use

Wedding Forum - Another (VERY LONG) rant about my Mum...

Not signed in (Sign In)

UKbride Supermarket


* Discount available to Power Users only. Terms and conditions apply. more

  1.  
    • Showgirl
      CommentAuthorShowgirl
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 9th 2014
      BadgeBadge
     
    So my Mum has been trying to get us to change the date ever since we set it - we wanted our 10th anniversary which falls on a Thursday (and unfortunately also happens to be Diwali which is only a problem for my born-again Hindu mum). First she said wanted us to move the date to the summer the year before then she was happy for us to keep the date but again have it the year before, next she said she had been talking to some friends and its apprantly bad luck to have an Indian wedding on Diwali (which I said was fine because we're not having an Indian wedding at all let alone on that date), then she changed it to be bad luck for any wedding to take place on that day.
    In the meantime to give her something else to focus on we agreed to let her organise an indian blessing (so long as it wasn't on the same day, was immediate family only, I could wear purple and ideally at the place where OH proposed as we're not able to have the wedding there but would like a way to incorporate such a special place into our nuptial celebrations). She went and booked a venue miles away from where we wanted, tripled the guest list and included her uncles and aunts yet told us that OH couldn't invite his uncles and aunts because she didn't know them! She then bought me a cream and red sari and a matching outfit for OH so no purple. The only thing we did get our way was that it wasn't on the wedding day - she picked a date in August so she could combine it with a surpise birthday party for her sister. Not forgetting of course that my Grandad got so excited about my wedding that he went and invited 10 people I don't know without telling me, but my Mum did go and help him hand the invites out to these randomers (she easily could have removed the insert with the details of the wedding but didn't so we now have strangers at both events). Oh and there's also the fact she keeps referring to it as her day, not the blessing day or even the birthday party.
    Anyway, the other day she went to meet with the priest who will be conducting the blessing ceremony and he did our birth charts (astrology reading based on dates of birth) to see if OH and I would have a good marriage - I should point out at this point that I do not believe in astrology at all and it has been proven that the birth chart predictions have a 50% accuracy rate, which is the same as taking a random stab in the dark. Apparently there's a problem with me - he told my Mum that I am very stubborn, will always struggle to find work and the marriage will be bad, resulting in me harming OH unless we move the date. Over the last few days she's been asking if I've decided to move the date yet and when I said 'no' she kept on reitterating how stubborn I am being over a stupid date. I then pointed out that it wasn't just me, OH isn't willing to change the date either which she just responded to with 'well its up to you two, but when it all goes wrong you know you only have yourselves to blame'.
    Then today I was chatting to her on the phone and she said that she can't understand how we could be willing to risk me murdering OH for the sake of moving the wedding by one day'. She then went on to say that she's going to get a second reading done and if that one also comes out with the same conclusion that the marriage will be bad then she's not going to come to the wedding because she doesn't want to witness something she knows won't last. She also said that the rest of the stuff the priest had said about me during the reading was spot on - she was referring to me being stubborn - I pointed out that it was spot on in her opinion but other people will have a completely opposite opinnion of me to which she said yes, that is just her opinion of me but that's because of the way I treat her. She can't understand why I treat her the way I do. She's gone through so much for me that I'll never know about because I'm just too stubborn and selfish to think about anyone else.
    OH is away tonight (got a meeting tomorrow about 200 miles away so went up tonight) so I can't get my usual cheer up cuddles. I did talk to him on the phone though and he wants to call my Mum and talk to her, knowing that she'll listen to him as its me she's always had a problem with. I used to tell OH that she loves him more than she's ever loved me and he always thought I was joking until we started planning this wedding. I told him not to call her because although she'll agree to come to placate him, she will just make things even worse for me when we talk on the phone or if I see her without him around in the meantime.
    Its just so unfair that she can say whatever comes into her head about me without fear of consequence yet I'm not allowed to say anything for fear of hurting her feelings to the point where I would even lie to her to prevent upsetting her - for a long winded example: when I was a teen (around the time she found religion and my dad found another family he'd rather be a part of) she would scream at me and call me every name you can think of - being a kid I believed her and used to keep a list so I knew what areas I needed to improve in order to make her like me and stop yelling - the words that came up most often were: fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and the reason Dad left. It got to the point where I would physically shake in anticipation of the next barrage when I heard her come in from work and would regularly self-harm as I reflected on the ever-growing list of areas to improve... until the day I left to go to uni and never went back for more than a couple of weeks. I got a lot of counselling over the years (which I never told her about, I just made excuses as to why I couldn't visit or take her call on particular days) and met OH of course who has been amazing. Since I left home Mum and I have been getting along OK, and pretending that everything was fine all along then a few years ago she seemed to go through a refelctive period (lasting about a day) and text me to ask if I'd ever cut myself because of her and I decided to say 'no' - we were getting along and so I saw no reason to dredge up the past and make her feel bad.
    OH thinks her latest outburst is just a power play to make the wedding all about her, but I don't agree - how can a wedding be about her if she's not there?! I can't help feeling things are going to go back to how they were between me and Mum and just don't know what to do to prevent it.
  2.  
    • almost a year wife!!
      CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 9th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I'd ban her

    Members signature icon
    Ill marry my hero


  3.  
    • RachelE118
      CommentAuthorRachelE118
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 9th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Oh showgirl! You really have got your hands full with her :( I do understand about the manipulation I've not had it as bad as you but enough to sympathise. If I can give any advice it's to let her do her thing you arent going to change her behaviour now. Hope it all works out xx
  4.  
    • kittyh
      CommentAuthorkittyh
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    wow...i don't know what to say other than that! she is obviously extremely difficult - it sounds like she could have done with some counselling or help herself as this isn't normal behaviour. I think you should just call her bluff...if she doesn't want to be there then thats her tough luck. If she mentions it again just say that at 4 months to go before the wedding you will not be changing the day. its far too late and there is nothing, not one single thing, that will make you change your mind. murdering your other half by the way?! i don't think i have ever heard anything so ridiculous! if it was me i would have thrown a huge tantrum and told her that i wouldn't be going ahead with 'HER' blessing long ago but obviously thats entirely up to you. you sound like you have bent over backwards to please her for too long i think you need to stop doing that once and for all, i would see this as the final straw. its your life, live it your way as you will be the only one who regrets it in the end and she will have to decide whether she can accept that or not. xx
  5.  
    • DonnaH39
      CommentAuthorDonnaH39
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    OMG-I remember your other posts about your mum and thought it was bad, but never realised how bad the situation was.

    You have been amazing, I cannot believe what you have put up with and still worry about her feeling ect. She is very lucky to have you as a daughter, what a shame she cannot see that.

    I agree with the others who have said call her bluff, just go ahead with your wedding plans how you want, send her an invite (if you still want her there) and let her know you need to know whether she is coming or not for numbers sake.

    I always think calling someone stubborn is a funny thing... ''let me get my own way, or you are being stubborn'' hmmm-pot, kettle, black ring a bell?

    I cannot believe she has even gone as far as to say that you will murder your oh if you get married on that date, so not that you can't marry him at all, just conveniently it will be if you marry on the date that she never wanted you to get married on anyway.....




  6.  
    • AmyK
      CommentAuthorAmyK
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    She's worried about you killing your husband? She should be more worried about you killing her for being so interfering!!
    How you've not lost your rag at her I do not know - you must have immense patience!
    Ask her if the day before or day after is any good... Because somewhere in the world, its always another date ;-)




  7.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    It sounds like a power play. Actually it all does. She seems to want control of everything to do with you, and bullying you is the way to do that. You'll have to stick to your date and stand up to her, with your OH by your side you can do that.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  8.  
    • mrs Burton2b
      CommentAuthormrs Burton2b
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    7ce93abea54fbb6394d2db08c8f507cd.jpg
    7ce93abea54fbb6394d2db08c8f507cd.jpg


    Members signature icon
    follow your heart and you're dreams will come true


  9.  
    • AH86
      CommentAuthorAH86
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundTicker foreground
     
    To be honest, I'd probably have to tell her id moved it to the day after and then spring it on her couple days before just to shut her up! Good luck x

    Members signature icon
    Friday 10th April 2015
    Marrying my best friend
    Not long now :D
  10.  
    • AprilS61
      CommentAuthorAprilS61
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Oh dear lord! I'm with kittyharris and Donna!

    She thinks you'll end up murdering your husband because of the day you marry? That's insane! You've been MORE than patient with her, so for that I cannot praise you enough. I would tell her you've had enough and that she's not invited whatsoever. She been very controlling. I would actually tell her that you've had counselling because of how she's been towards you, I think that would be the biggest eye opener and make her think about what's she like towards you.

    All of the things she's put you through and made you feel would personally make me feel as though I didn't want to get married and thats horrible. I've had a lot of trouble with my mam too and she's not coming to my wedding. At first I was devastated and told her she'd regret not coming to her daughters wedding,but now I don't even want her there. Its's a very different subject but feel its a similar scale at the same time. I told my OH I didn't want to get married anyway and it really upset him and I was in a bad place for about three/four weeks because of my mam. Now that she's not coming, it's still very sad but ur problem is solved and now I cannot wait for OUR big day.

    I really hope you can say something to her and tie her down so that you still want her there and dont end up like me xxx

    Members signature icon
    Mr & Mrs Swan 04/04/15


  11.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 10th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I don't suppose that there is any chance that she would agree to go to mother daughter counselling with you? It sounds like you need to have the chance to tell her exactly how you feel, but in a safe and controlled environment where she can respond without you feeling threatened, because there will be someone else there to guide things along. Perhaps she needs help to come to terms with your father leaving.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  12.  
    • Showgirl
      CommentAuthorShowgirl
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jun 12th 2014
      BadgeBadge
     
    Thanks ladies - I really just needed a BIG release and feel better now. Mum called me on her lunch break yesterday and was just chatting as though everything was fine. She asked about wedding plans and was happy to hear about our ideas but didn't mention the date.
    Going to counselling together wouldn't help - I wouldn't be able to open up because I know that there would be repercussions as soon as we left. OH still wants to talk to her but after my conversation with her yesterday I've told him to leave it unless she says something to him which is unlikely to happen as she's always been very careful to not say anything that might upset or disagree with him and instead saves up all her thoughts for a conversation with me (its like she thinks I'm not going to recount that conversation with OH). If I tell her I'd been to counselling she'll just turn it round so that I'm still the bad one and she's somehow a victim.
    We decided to stop trying to plan the wedding around things she would like (since there's a chance she won't be there) and over the last couple of days I have been on a massive spending spree (mainly from the bay) to make the wedding the day we want. I know a lot of you will be saying that we should have been doing that from the start but because I'm an only child I felt guilty for ignoring what my parents consider important to a wedding. At this point I don't care if she's there or not, we're going ahead with our day and its up to her if she wants to be a part of it.
  13.  
    • CommentAuthorFranM76
      Posted: Jun 12th 2014
      BadgeBadge
     
    Good for you hun, good to hear xx
  14.  
    • AprilS61
      CommentAuthorAprilS61
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jun 12th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Spending money always helps lol! Good for you. X

    Members signature icon
    Mr & Mrs Swan 04/04/15


 
Enter Now