I am literally crying as I right this but i've just found out that my Bridesmaid - the one that i've know the longest in organising her wedding ( after mine) is not going to ask me to be a bridesmaid for her! And the way she tells me is to drop into conversation with a friend of ours over dinner that she nearly bought dresses for her !bridesmaids this week and named them! Me not included! Now i'm know she does have to ask me just because i asked her but we've been friends for year and I guess I thought I would get asked!
I understand if she is only have two bridesmaids and one of them is our other really old friend but another is a uni mate (we're friends from school) , I get it might be budget or numbers or something but I really upset that she clearly didn't think it important to tell me properly or clearly didn't think I would be upset! We were talking just a few days ago about inviting various people to my wedding and whether I would get invited back to a couple I've invited to mine and I was saying I totally understand if I don't as they aren't having many people at theirs - she was saying how she'd be offended if she wasn't invited back to a wedding of someone she'd invite to hers! Clearly asking to be bridesmaids is not the same deal!!
I didn't say anything at the dinner as we were with a third friend and wouldn't make a seen because I know that if she wants to ask other people and not me that is upto her and that's not my business. However, I can't help feeling upset, I feel a bit stupid and like now i feel like I don't want to talk to her about my wedding plans. I'm not worried it's going to be really awkward. I think I am most hurt that she clearly didn't think i'd be upset by her just casually slipping it into conversation in the pub.
Any I being overly upset? Have i been naive assuming I would get asked back by one of my only two bridesmaids ( I was already bridesmaid for my other friend) - bearing in mind we've been friends since we were 11. We're never fallen out and I can't think that i've done anything to upset her recently. I just don't understand it.
Lizzy. x
CommentAuthorSam
I think you have every right to your feelings. However she is only having two so choosing her bridesmaids must have been really hard for her. She probably shouldn't have let you know the way she did but it's done now. Since she did bring it up maybe it would help if you talked to her about it.
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
I would be upset too hun. And tbh, when I was working out my bridesmaids one of the things I was thinking was 'would they ask me to be theirs' if the answer was no, then I didn't ask them to be mine. I think you need to have a proper talk with her and tell her how upset you were when she just dropped it into a conversation like that. I'm sure she realised that you had thought you would be asked and this was her way of getting out of having an awkward conversation to tell you that you weren't. It may be that she just couldn't afford to have anymore than 2, and maybe thought that you would be too busy with your wedding to be around enough to do stuff for hers? If I were you I would just ask her why she didn't chose you, as I have a feeling this will be playing on your mind until you find out xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
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Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorMrsC2bee
I completly understand why ur so upset exspecially as she's ur bridesmaid. Maybe try n talk to her about it x
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
Don't shoot me down for this but even if youve been friends for years and years and she's your BM she is under no obligation to ask you hun... I get your upset but it's something u need to pick yourself up from and dust yourself down and soldier on xxx
I think you have every right to be upset, there is unwritten obligations to being close friends and that is pretty high in the list, my main no questions asks bridesmaid is one of my best friends from high school (I am now 27), I only see her maybe a couple of times a year because she lives so far away but she knows me best and I can talk to her about anything, it has always been a given that she would be my bridesmaid and she would of been devastated if I had not asked her.
My 2nd bridesmaid was a close friend who I saw every week at least once and she had asked me to be her bridesmaid and I had said (before I got engaged - but my other half and I had already talked about marriage) when I married she would be mine, also she had said that her sister and I would be her only bridesmaids, then I overhead her when we were out looking at wedding dresses for her (only window shopping) with another friend of hers that she had known only a few months, ask the friend to be her 2nd bridesmaid along with her sister! To cut a long story short she is no longer my 2nd bridesmaid.
CommentAuthoremmaaa
I agree with Linzi-jo, I think it sounds like her ham-fisted way of breaking it to you that you weren't to be her BM. I can see why you feel upset, but I also think that it's entirely her decision as to who she has as her BMs, she'll have her reasons, and you need to respect that. As I've said before this week, feeling things doesn't hurt anyone, and everyone's entitled to feel whatever they like, but those feelings are your responsibility not hers, and talking about not wanting to talk about your wedding with her, and ranking her friendships according to time is verging on unreasonable IMHO. I think it'll be really difficult to broach the subject without making things more awkward, but if it's gonna eat up at you and finding out why will make you feel better, just ask her. But I think you need to be very level headed about it, and ask from curiosity rather than disappointment if you see what I mean. Sorry if this seems a bit blunt, but I really think for the sake of your friendship you either need to find out why, or just accept it, then move on.
CommentAuthorbarbie86
I agree with emmaaa and Linzi-jo.
I totally understand why you're upset; but, she's entitled to have whoever she wants as her BMs, and she's only having 2, which must have made the decision very difficult. I also personally don't feel there's some unwritten rule that just because someone has been your BM, you should automatically be theirs. In my case for example, I have 4 BMs; there is only one (my chief BM) who would definitely have me as a bridesmaid; the others, even though I've known them longer (20-odd years!), I'm not so sure about because they have big families with close female relatives, as well as other close friends eg one of them has LOADS of friends from uni, including the 4 girls she lives with now, 3 years on. I will totally understand if she doesn't ask me to be bridesmaid; I'm certainly not expecting it, and I didn't ask her hoping to be hers.
Basically, I would probably keep schtum; I'm not convinced talking to her will help, because she's made her choice, and shouldn't really have to justify it.
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
i too can see why you might be a tad hurt . but its her wedding and she will have her reason behind choosing her bridesmaids.
Now you need to take a deep breath be a grown up and be a fantastic friend to her.
the issue of bridesmaids gets ridiculous... my mil said she wouldn't come to the wedding if we didn't have Mr Lala`s nieces ... we didn't have them , she didn't come !!!
I can totally see where you are coming from in being upset, however like a couple have said, she really is not obligated to chose you as one of hers, however, it would have been a whole lot nicer if she had explained to you on your own why she was not chosing you. My MOH, even though we are great friends and she has been there for me over many things, has a friend who she has been friends with since school, so even though I had her as my MOH, I know full well I would never hold the same place if she were to get married.
Our wedding day - 6 October 2012
CommentAuthorLauraJo87
I'd be upset too, in your position, mostly that she didn't have the guts to tell me in a better way. I'm sure it was a difficult decision for her.
I agree that being a bm for one isn't an obligation to be one for another, but she must have thought that, being an old friend, you would have hoped to be asked.
That said, I think all you can do is have a rant, brush yourself off and carry on. Maybe she has another role in the wedding in mind for you? Or maybe she got pressured into having the bms shes got? I'd be peed off too, thou, mainly coz of they way she's told me xxx
My Beating Heart Belongs To You
30 August 2013
The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
CommentAuthorTatty
I agree with lala's comment. I too would be upset if I was in your position however She's chosen and if she's happy with her choice there isn't a lot you can do. I would maybe mention to her that you would have like to have been told seperatley and that your a bit hurt. x
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CommentAuthorMrsWearn2be
I totally understand how you feel, however it is her wedding and theres not alot you can do about it, you're just going to have to respect her decision, otherwise it could ruin your friendship just because you didnt get chosen for bridesmaid- I wouldnt even bring it up, just carry on being her friend and maybe she'll feel guilty...
I do see how unfair it is though- a mate that hasnt been a good mate for as long as you is bridesmaid and you're pushed to the side..I do get why your upset and it perhaps was a bit of a bad decision on your mates behalf... but you know how it is when your planning a wedding..so perhaps isnt a good time to argue about it..bridezillas and all that lol xx
CommentAuthorJoanna
I completely understand why you're upset, I would be too. However, I wouldn't mention anything to her. I know it's upsetting but no good can come from you two talking about it. Xxx
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
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CommentAuthorMel D
I can understand that you're upset, but I don't think it's right to asume that becuase you have asked someone to be your bridesmaid that you will be asked to be theirs. When I was choosing my bridesmaids "will they ask me to be their bridesmaid back" was not on my list of criteria.
Got married Sat 28/05/2011
Renewing vows Sat 29/05/2021
We're planning WELL in advance!!
CommentAuthormym72
Tbh she's not really obligated to have you as a bm just because she's going to be one for you. No offence, but it's her wedding and she'll have her reasons - be it budget or personal. Is this other person who's her bm single? Maybe she thought that once you're married you wouldn't want to be bm..?
I've been friends with my best friend for over 30 years - but we've been in and out of each others lives during this time. We drifted a bit when we started relationships, became closer as we've got older - and even though when we were young we talked about being each others bm's, once we planned our weddings this all changed.
My friend chose another girl (mutual friend) to be bm. I wasn't bothered tbh, as it was her day. When I got married last year, we had a small wedding in Gretna Green with only family. It would've been nice to have her as bm - but as it was a family wedding I chose the gf of hubby's cousin, who we go on nights out with - although I'd only really known her a couple of years. My friend understood and that's why we're still friends, because we don't get upset with each others decisions, and respect them instead.
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorTamster
agree with everyone the only unhanded thing was how she told you but ask yourself this in all honesty how would you have reacted after she told you if its negative this may be the reason it came out the way it did, if you can honestly answer i wouldnt have minded, then bring it up with her so that you can clear the air looking at it another way all of us know how stressful wedding planning can be so maybe you and her will become even closer as you will be on the outside of planning looking in and she can confide in you about other stuff that is irritating her. i hope you sort this as it probably wasnt personal and maybe she was so worried about finding the right words it blurted out that way to avoid confrontation x
Unwrapping the best pressie ever December 7th 2013
CommentAuthorPB
My sister was my moh,she is already married and didn't have bms as she had a very low key wedding.My other bridesmaid was my daughter and she is hardly going to have me as a bridesmaid either lol. As i see it you ask people who are special to you to share your special day and be your bridesmaids.You do not ask them so that you can be a bridesmaid in return.Its like giving gifts you don't give them just so you can get something back . That aside i can see why you feel slighted but its not about you.Its her day and i am sure she has reasons for choosing the people she has and i am certain she never wanted to upset you.Perhaps your comment that you wouldn't expect to be invited back to someone elses wedding led her to believe that you were level headed and sensible enough not to need to be let down gently. I wouldn't bring up the subject with her i think it would only cause problems and make her feel bad x
CommentAuthorlizzylou
I get the impression from some of these replies that i've come accross like i'm being a bit spoilt about it which really wan't my intention - I think writing about it while I was upset has made me appear to be being unreasonable. I'm totally aware that there is no rule that says you have to ask people in return to be a bridesmaids and that wasn't the reason I was upset. Of course it's her wedding and she can ask who she wants, I'd never go about demmanding to be asked and I am certainly not going to raise it with her. She's made her decission and there is nothing but upset for both of us to be gained by ever telling her how upset i've been. She text me much later last night and said she didn't mean to upset me so clearly she'd realised that dropping it in to the conversation had upset me. I haven't replied yet as I didn't know what to write but when I do I will say that it is fine and nothing more.
I was so upset, and still am because i've discovered that the person I thought was my best and oldest friend clearly doesn't feel the same way about me. That's what's got me upset as it's a bit gutting to think some one doesn't see you in the way they you see them. That's what is hurtful, never mind being the bridesmaid. Perhaps if she'd told me properly and explained the reasons behind it I might have not been left feeling like I'm just not that an important a friend, as it might be all sorts of reasons behind it. It's just a shame its come out this way.
I now dread seeing her because she's really hurt my feelings and I know I will never tell her because no good can come of it.
Thanks for all your kind words ladies, I just got in last night in such a state I had to tell it to someone as know one was home. xx
Lizzy. x
CommentAuthorSam
You're making some assumptions that are making you feel worse. Her decision does not mean you are not close friends. from your first post it sounds like she has budget constraints and there could be dozens of reasons why she didn't chose you that have nothing to do with you and your friendship.
CommentAuthorEleanorR
I've just thought about it and I don't think either of my bridesmaids would ask me! Different people just choose using different criteria and it sounds like she can't afford another one or she would have asked you. OH was best man last month and he felt obligated to pick him as best man back but that's a bit different because you only have 1 of those. You could be bridesmaid for 20 different people but you wouldn't be expected to have every one of them as bms for your wedding so you have to accept that she has her reasons for picking certain people and it shouldn't make you feel like your friendship isn't as good as you thought. I hope you can make up with her so it doesn't ruin your day x
CommentAuthorMrsWearn2be
Lizzylou, I 100% understand where you're coming from, and I dont think you meant to mean it in a way asthough you MUST be bridesmaid because shes your bridesmaid. I really see why it would upset you, and it would upset me a fair bit too, not because your not actually bridesmaid but because considering you are a good friend you would think she could have explained it to you with no awkwardness.. I think your right to feel a little hurt, but it wont be something that should wreck your friendship as its just a bit of a shock I assume as its happened so recently.. like i said previously, not a good idea at all to mention it- shes made her decision and like you have said no good would come of it anyway. Alot of ladies take things the wrong way on this site sometimes and jump on you going on about how unreasonable you are...not everyones feelings are perfect and rosey... and sometimes people forget this when posting on here...hope you arent too upset now you've had a bit of time to think :) xx
CommentAuthoremmaaa
edited
Sorry, but saying that she doesn't think of you as as much of a friend because she didn't ask you to be BM is really silly. You don't know her reasoning behind who she chose, I know full well a couple of my friends are disappointed that I didn't ask them to be BMs, and to be honest I'm gutted they aren't too, but to be honest the choices I made were kind of made for me because I knew how badly one of my BMs would take it if she wasn't. It does not in anyway reflect on how I feel about the girls I didn't chose, it probably means I think of them as more sensible and understanding! Maybe your friend has the same problem, she thought her other friends would be less understanding than you, maybe she thought you'd be too involved in your own wedding to have much time for hers, perhaps she can only afford two and the "only a uni mate" has actually really affected her life since they met, perhaps a million things. You don't know, unless you have that incredibly awkward conversation, so just let it go and stop projecting an analysis onto the situation that might be a million miles from what is actually true.
You are allowed to be upset, I think everyone would be on some level. But you've turned it into some kind of friendship barometer which is going to impact on your friendship, even if you don't mean it to. Being BM isn't the be all and end all of friendship!
CommentAuthorMrsWearn2be
edited
:O bit nasty Emmaaa....I think you should read lizzylou's reply before you be so nasty and tell her shes silly...she explained herself further and I dont think people bashing her feelings further are particularly helpful when shes already realised how her first post sounded..considering shes said she isnt going to say anything..I think your barometer analogy is a bit out of nowhere... she had said she wasnt going to bring it up and make a thing out of it..and she respects her friends decision..its just shes a bit upset.. and rightfully so
CommentAuthorbarbie86
I think what emmaaa was saying (please correct me if I'm wrong emmaaa!) is that she's reading more into this than is actually there, and seeing her friends decision as a measure of how she feels about her; whereas it very likely isn't. As emma has said, there might be several factors behind her decision, like budget, or because she knew that other people would fly off the handle and be unreasonable if they weren't asked an she wanted to avoid the drama. But ultimately, whatever her reasons, it is her decision.
I personally would not see one of my BMs not choosing me as demeaning our friendship, or feel she didn't care for me as much as I did for her; I'd just figure she had several people to choose from, and for whatever reason didn't pick me; it really wouldn't bother me.
CommentAuthorLauraJo87
No, I think emaaa makes a fair point...just because she hasn't asked lizzylou to be bm, doesn't mean she doesn't care or value her as a close friend. I don't think it was nasty.
It would bother me, too. I'd be upset, and I think it would make me wonder if we were as close as we thought we were, which would be wrong.
Sometimes you just need to have a good cry, have a rant, eat some chocolate then pick yourself up and brush yourself off!
Xx
My Beating Heart Belongs To You
30 August 2013
The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
CommentAuthorSam
Good point! You'll only drive yourself thinking of the reasons.
CommentAuthorlizzylou
Forgive me ladies if I sink this topic. I posted in a fit of tears as no one was in to tell at home last night but I don't want to go over it anymore. Best foot foward as they say... xxxxxx
Lizzy. x
CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
Fair enough
Ill marry my hero
CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
hun let me know if you would liked me to take this thread off
