Ok so i will apologise in advance as i have posted on here a few times regarding this issue!
So basically history - I have my 3 friends and my sister as bridesmaids.
1 of my bridesmaids did live local then moved up country to go to uni now im starting to regret asking her to be a bm. But i dont know whether im just over reacting and making a moutain out of a mole hill?
Basically since i got engaged she hasnt really made much effort.
At my engagement party i asked her to be there dead on 8 and she assured me she would be but she ended up being well over an hour and half late because her and 2 people she was coming with decided to hit the pubs before hand so she was already very drunk when she turned up (then decided to get with loads of different guys at our party which i found slightly embarrassing with all our family there).
She made it very difficult to sort a date to go look for bm dresses saying she couldnt with work and kind of expected me and the other bms to work around her. luckily i found some nice maxi dresses in a local shop and i manged to grab them all for an hour to try on!
Then we all agreed that during this summer we'd go find all the bms their shoes as she was back from uni and the other 3 agreed this was the best time for them too. Set a date months in advance, reminded them each week.. then text a couple days before hand and now she couldnt make it (saying that another of my bms said she couldnt either with a stupid excuse).
I had my first dress fitting and she was the one saying how much she really wanted to come so i gave her the dates, then again text with reminders. Then on the day she text me in the morning saying she should be there so we waited around outside for awhile and she never showed up..didnt even get a sorry or text to say why. I had to text her saying i wasnt happy then i got some half a**sed excuse.
We orginally agreed that we'd like to go magaluf for a long weekend for my hen do, she said she'd like to organise this for me. Met me went to town collected brochures then came back to mine spent a couple of hours ringing around for quotes. When she left she assured me she'd ring around and try get cheaper prices and sort it all. That was the last i ever heard of it she didnt bother after that.
I sent her a hugeee email saying how id chosen her because she was a good mate (once a upon a time) and how i felt she needed to be more involved and im not happy about bein let down all the time and i will let her go if carries on - Text her telling her to read it. She never replied to email and just carried on like shed never read it and everything was fine.
Shes been back from uni since May and ive seen her possibly twice in that time! She doesnt even text or ring me anymore its like i hardly know her now. If i do text her shes so blunt its hard to make convo. She doesnt make any time for me, i invited her to our flat warming party last month and she told me she was working then i found out from another bm that she was out on the town for someones birthday.
Shes having some ann summers party which was orginally on the 17th and i said i cant go as its our work doo then she changed it to the 11th but i still cant go because im already out for a meal but she got all shirty about it last night really blunt and sarcy. She goes back to uni end of next week and i know full well it'll be a nightmare trying to get her to travel back for dress fitting and to find accessories.
I dont know what to do! Ive text her saying look i need you to make more effort and shes assured me she will make it and then she suddenly comments my hen do page on facebook saying how excited she is and cant wait then days later shes blunt and off with me again!
Its hard to bring anything up with her as she turns it around and acts like your picking on here. Like with work this is her excuse most of the time she'll get it off when her other mates ask or have something planned but wont for any wedding dates i need her for. and then gets all huffy and basically acts like shes the only one who works and has bills to pay.
One of the girls at work i really get on well with has been more involved with her. Having wedding chats, ideas even wants to come shopping with me to find shoes . Ive talked to her about my bm and another girl at work and they were shocked how awful shes been. One even said she'd step in as bm if i needed someone lol bless her although she acts more like a bm than this friend!
Just feel like im no longer important anymore because all she talks about and all her status's on her blackberry and facebook are always about her uni mates and how she cant wait too see them and theyre plans.
Just feel like im repeating myself over and over with her and being far to soft by forgiving her everytime and not standing my ground. I just hate confrontation :(/
Am i just over reacting and being silly over nothing or should i really just man up and say enough is enough now!
Opinions please?? Please tell me if im just being silly!
CommentAuthorLeighS
She would have got the boot by now if she were my friend. I would tell her as it's impossible to get her pinned down to dates and when she does agree she doesn't arrive or in too much of a rush to spend time helping to make choices that are important to you. Tell her you have decided that its best if she comes to your wedding as a guest as you are only getting stressed abouit it and planning for a wedding is stressful enough without worrying about 1 B/M.
CommentAuthorShazk
I couldnt agreee more with LeighS She would of been gone fromt he wedding party if i Was you.
She should be proud that you have asked her to be part of ur sepcial day its a privalage to be a BM why do people not realsie this!?!?
I dont think your over reacting at all and i think you need to contact her and tell her that you dont like the way she is makiing you feel and that you will not require her as BM and just a guest xx
Away with the flutterbys xxx
CommentAuthorMrsSteenie
Oh hun, it's difficult.... I had something similar when one of my best friends went away to uni.... She got so wrapped up in her life there and the new friends she made that was all she talked about.... she just wasn't really interested in the people she'd left here... even her boyfriend!! I tried so hard to keep in touch with her and stay friends, but we ended up losing touch when she was in her 2nd year. She's back now (this was over 10 years ago!!) and I bump into her sometimes, but it's always really awkward. Maybe she just doesn't understand the commitment involved in being bridesmaid? Some people don't understand that your wedding is just as, if not more, important to you as whatever is going on in their life (uni for example) is to them. From what you've said it sounds like she may be the sort of person who has the "out of sight out of mind" mentality, so when you are together she wants to be involved, but other than that she gets distracted by other things. Or maybe it's all about her looking good, so she will post on facebook, where other people can see it, how excited she is so everyone will think she is a fantastic friend and bm, but she just can't be bothered to actually make the effort? It's always easier to get involved and be excited with people you see all the time, maybe that's why she seems more excited about doing things with her uni mates? You don't mention how old she is.. could it be that she is just too young to understand the importance of all the wedding related stuff? I know my chief bm, who is 10 years younger than me, (just turned 23) had a hard time understanding that there were certain things that needed to be done at certain times and couldn't be left till the last minute, until my other bm had a chat with her and explained that there are deadlines. I don't think you're overreacting at all..... It's totally understandable. I think that, given that you've already tried to explain to her, an have given her a warning, it may just be time to cut her loose...
We dit it!!!!!! 06/10/12
CommentAuthorKarenB9
Sorry to say hun that i would of sacked her by now !! you have given her lots of warnings explained how you feel and still getting no where x
Well i think you have put up with enough now, i would have to sack her. Just say you realise she has a lot going on and is unable to give you the time so you dont want to have to burden her with the role, thats if you want to stay friends. If not i would just tell her you dont want to be a bm due to her not making the time or effort. Hope you manage to sort it out x x
CommentAuthormadison_uk
id of sacked her too by now, you still have time to get a replacement
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
Glad im not over reacting. Mrssteenies2b shes 21 so a few years younger than me.
Thinking of writting her a long email explaining. :)
CommentAuthorLauraJo87
Definitely sack her. She isn't the only person in the world with a job! Xx
My Beating Heart Belongs To You
30 August 2013
The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
I tried to explain that she only has her uni accomodation to pay towards and car which she doesnt take with her only uses when shes home and how i have lots of bills now to pay for too and i have to work too but had no joy she doesnt seem to understand this.
Although if she didnt get drunk nearly every night at uni she prob would actualy have money lol
CommentAuthorShirleygirly
Deffo don't think you're overreacting. You could forgive her the odd let down but she's too consistent. You're not asking her to dedicate everyday to the wedding just a few important days that can't really be missed.
I would email her to say thank you for everything so far (with gritted teeth) but you will need her to step down as bm because as the date approaches you are going to need more commitment and you don't think it's fair to expect that from her as she seems so busy with uni studies and work and you'd hate for your wedding to be the cause of her missing out on anything. She can read the sarcasm in it if she wants but at the end of the day you are just helping her out.
I can't wait until 29/06/2013
The day I marry the man of my dreams!
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
I really dont even know where to start how to word it or what to say :S x
CommentAuthorMrsSteenie
I would say something along the lines of: Hi xxxxx I really need to speak to you about some wedding related stuff. I've been really trying to accommodate you and work around your uni and work schedule, but it seems like no matter what I do you are unable to make the time for all the things that need to be done. I know it may seem like it's ages away, but things need to be done at certain times and in a certain order to make sure everything is ready when it's needed. For example, we need to sort out your bridesmaid shoes before you can have your dress fitting. And now, with you going back to uni, I'm just not sure that I can expect you to travel back for the things that need to be done between now and the wedding. I really don't want to lose you as a friend, that's not what this is about, and I really hope we can get past this, but I think we need to face the fact that it's just not practical for you to continue as my bridesmaid. I hope you will understand, and if there is something else going on that I don't know about, please talk to me. If I don't hear from you, I will assume that you are happy to no longer be bridesmaid, but even so I would really love you to come to the wedding and be a part of our special day. xx
We dit it!!!!!! 06/10/12
CommentAuthorSam
edited
Ok, let me defend your friend for a little bit here.
1) She is at University and University is as engrossing to her as your wedding planning is to you. Your wedding is #1 in your mind, just like Uni is #1 in hers. 2) When you asked her to be your bridesmaid did you stipulate how much she needed to participate in the planning? Did she agree even though she was moving across country? 3) Right now she is getting a degree that may or may not land her a job after 3 years of hard work. For some courses only 30% of students are employed 6 months after degree completion. The unemployment rate for all new graduates is between 18 & 25%. So if you think you are stressed just have a look at those numbers.
I just had to share that there is another side to this story.
I'm not sure what you said to her when you asked her to bridesmaid, but if you just asked there's a good chance all she thought was that she just needed to was show up and look pretty on the day. However, if you did say that she needed to be heavily involved in the planning then obviously she's failed miserably. She should have never offered to plan the Hen do. She has obviously failed miserably on that count. But there is no reason why the dresses and shoes couldn't be purchased without her. Measurements could be taken and shoe sizes recorded.
Before you fire her as a bridesmaid think long and hard about your relationship with her. Do you think it will continue after she finishes Uni? Will she be moving back home after Uni? Will firing her burn bridges and hurt relationships with others that you really care about? If you think this friendship is over then go ahead give her a call and say you need someone that can be more involved in the planning process and that she doesn't fit the bill. If however firing her as bridesmaid will burn a lot of bridges that you care about go ahead take her measurements and shoe size knowing that she'll show up on the day.
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
Yes I asked her over 2 years ago and made it clear what was expected of her and all the bms for that matter and she assured me how she'd be there and uni wasnt a problem she wanted to be involved.
I dont think it has anything to do with uni or getting a degree or her engrossing herself into studies. She was always like this before she went to uni never showing or canceling at the last minute or lying her way out of things.
I dont need her to purchase shoes, its i needed the shoes before we could get the dresses fitted because the lengths needed altering on them all.
CommentAuthorSam
So you answered your own question there. She's flaky, and could never be relied on to help you with planning your wedding. It's clear that you regret asking her, but she isn't doing anything that you didn't expect her to do. Are you looking for an excuse to sack her from the bridal party? You could always say you need someone more involved. In the end it's all down to how much this friendship means to you.
CommentAuthorNataliaF2
I also think you should sack her xbeckix88, she hasnt been nice to you at all! i was getting wind up just by reading your post! she seems like a really selfish person, you shouldnt have her as a bm, coz if you are regretting offering her already imagine how much you would regret if you have her as a bm and she never keeps contact with you after your wedding.
CommentAuthorMrsSteenie
To be fair Samantha, my chief bm is generally about as reliable as the british summer and totally disorganised. I knew this when I asked her and I have actually been amazed at how helpful she has been!! once things were explained to her re deadlines etc, she has been bending over backwards to be available. Since day one she has been asking at least every couple of weeks if anything needs doing, and as the wedding has got closer she is now asking every few days!! If someone truely cares about you, and you would hope that a friend who you consider close enough to ask to be bm does, they will make extra effort and if they promise to do something or be somewhere they will do it. You seem to be trying to make Becki look like the one that is in the wrong for considering sacking her bm, but at the end of the day the bms job is to support the bride, not stress them out more, and it is totally the bride's decision who the bms should be. Asking someone to step down from being a bm because they haven't been fulfilling their side of things does not need to signify the end of the friendship. It seems to me that Becki's friend is still quite young and immature and simply doesn't understand the impact her actions could potentially have on the wedding. It also seems that Becki's attempts to enlighten her on this have fallen on deaf ears. I would even go so far as to say that from what Becki has said her friend seems to be quite spoilt and self centred. Just my opinion of course....
We dit it!!!!!! 06/10/12
CommentAuthorSam
I do think it is unfair to sack someone for behaving in a way they've always behaved. What's so terrible about that? One dissenting voice among a group of women that totally support Becki's choice and opinion towards her bridesmaid who "moved up country to go to uni."
CommentAuthorClareS
I'd have sacked her by now. My sister is my moh and she's getting sacked next time I see her, I've had enough :( good luck x
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
I didnt say that she'd always behaved like this. At first she was a fantastic friend, always met up, called and text each other. Wedding planned together we were inseparable. Then she made a new friend and went off with another group of girls and since then its all gone down hill. I had no problem with her making new friends either but now i barely see her or hear from her and theres always excuses as to why she cant meet.
I have tried to talk to her and voice my opinion and time and time again shes assured me shes behind me yet let me down every time.
And thankyou Mrssteenie2b :).
CommentAuthorSam
"She was always like this before she went to uni never showing or canceling at the last minute or lying her way out of this"
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
Yes since we got engaged not since we first met.
CommentAuthorMrsSteenie
You're more than welcome :) As I said, I've been through something similar..... it sucks when your friends move on and seem to leave you behind.... Either she will realise and apologise, or she will continue to pull away.... sometimes these things happen, and as Natalia said, how would you feel if she was in your wedding photos and then never spoke to you again? It's tough, but sometimes these things happen :(
We dit it!!!!!! 06/10/12
CommentAuthorhollybobs
I've recently sacked my CBM... if she doesnt play a major role in your life anymore why should she play a role in the biggest day of your life??
That was an easy decision when i'd thought of it like that xx
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
When you put it like that it does make it seem alot easier to decide.
I wrote her a email explaining everything and that she should step down.
CommentAuthorLegoWife
Good luck she doesn't take it too badly :)
~Wedding made of Lego~
*Married 30/03/13*
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
UPDATE - Well i sent a email explaining how i felt and how shes not been there at all and i need someone with more commitment & isnt going to constantly let me down. And as shes going back to uni next week i dont think she'd be able to get back for all the important meet ups i'd need her for after xmas. But said i did want her still to come as a guest. Along these lines basically.
I finally got a reply today. hmmmmmmm.
She doesnt say much! she doesnt seem to fussed or even sorry for not showing up half the time or making no effort. Shes not really listened to anything ive said has just launched into "me me me" mode and gone on about how busy her life is and her problems.
Ive left it at this for the time being let the dust settle, as i dont want it to turn sour and a argument start from it.
I do feel alot better now ive done this, really should of done it sooner but i kept convincing myself she'd change and take some interest in the end. Delusional i think is the word lol
Thankyou for all your comments :)
CommentAuthornatalie2614
Sounds like you've done the right thing xx
Married my best friend 05.04.2013
CommentAuthorLegoWife
Has she agreed to step down then? Probably for the best if she has since pretty the only thing BM's need to do before the day is be available for fittings!
~Wedding made of Lego~
*Married 30/03/13*
CommentAuthorxbeckix88
Actually im not sure if she has or not! she really only went on about not knowing what to say and how busy her life was and things.
Ive not asked much of her and its not like ive asked her to make herself avaliable every weekend just a day here or there.
