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Wedding Forum - After 7 years together I Think it's over...

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  1.  
    • BeckiS0
      CommentAuthorBeckiS0
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
     
    Hi All

    Really really in need of some advice!! And apologies in advance its a long one!
    My mates are brilliant but I think they just tell me what I want to hear rather then how it is at times. Would be nice to get an outside opinion.

    So me and my hubby have been together for 7 years and married for 3. (We are both 28)
    At first it was amazing we got on great, never argued always made time for each other but this last 8 or so months It's all just gone downhill!

    At first I put how I felt all down to being stressed at work but now I'm not so sure!!
    Everything he seems to do just winds me up constantly.
    He hardly ever helps out around the house and if he does it's because his family or friends are coming over so he'll tidy up or if I ask him.
    It's me that constantly has to do everything.
    Then when I do spend hours cleaning he comes home and dumps stuff done makes a mess and has no regard for the time I've spent sorting the place.
    It sounds petty but when it happens day in and day out it really starts to grate on you and makes me feel like why did I bother.
    It basically feels like I'm taken for granted these days expects me to cook and clean up after him. I can't even remember the last time he told me I looked beautiful or wanted to do something romantic for me.

    Most evenings he's sat at other end of the room on his phone texting his mates all night.
    It seems like He would rather go out drinking with them then spend a evening in with me. When he does go out he acts like he's still 18 gets ridiculously drunk then spends all the next day throwing up - which when it's the only day off we have together takes the mick!

    I caught him flirting with some girl on Twitter as well she sent him some half naked pic and he said how lush she looked and asked for another. He even said he was tempted when she asked him for some fun!

    We had a break 4 months ago because I'd had enough! he begged me to come home saying how he had taken me for granted and everything would change.
    He even suggested a date night every month just us no phones, no TV just a nice meal, wine and talk .... This hasn't happened once!
    He made effort for the first 2 weeks I was home then it all stopped and it's back to how it was.

    I'll go out of my way to do nice little things for him like if I know he's had a bad day at work I'll cook him a nice meal and run him a bath. When I'm out and I see something I know he'd like il pick it up as a nice little surprise I never get any of this. On our wedding anniversary he said he would sort a nice weekend away to make it up to me .. he never bothered I had to book it in the end and 3 days before we were due to go as he just never bothered and even then he didn't even get me a card.

    He never really shows me any affection or that. We very very rarely do the "deed" some times 4/5 months go past at a time without it! It's not like I'm not in the mood just not with him.



    I've started to feel like he's more a mate then my husband I don't know anymore if I love him like I used to, I don't really feel attracted to him like I used to either.

    Not only that but We argue nearly all the time now to and over the silliest of things
    1 minute were ok the next I can't stand to be with him.

    It's sounds horrid now I read it all back and I sound like a right cow as he is a lovely guy but I just don't know if it's going to work anymore.

    I just don't know what to do or how I feel about it all. I've tried talking to him but it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

    I always believed that when I got married it would be for forever and I feel like if it ended i would be letting so many people down.

    Has anyone been in the same position? Any advice please? Is there any coming back?
  2.  
    • Emmilou82
      CommentAuthorEmmilou82
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hi,

    I didn't want to just read and move on.... I don't really know what advice to give you other than show him what you have written here!!! I know you have spoken to him about this already and it's fallen on deaf ears however, sometimes it's easier to put things in writing to really display how you feel.

    I'll be honest with you, if I found tw1773r things like that, he wouldn't be sat there still but that's easy for me to say.

    I really hope you get through this and everything works out.... I'm sorry I'm not much help

    Members signature icon
    Marrying 'The One' on 30th July 2016
    I am now Mrs Emma Stokoe xx

  3.  
    • BeckiS0
      CommentAuthorBeckiS0
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
     
    Hi

    Thankyou so much for your reply.

    When I left him last time after we talked and it fell on deaf ears I wrote it all down in a letter for him to read it didn't make much difference :-( x
  4.  
    • VictoriaL46
      CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    This sounds very familiar to my last relationship. Saying this my last relationship was only 4 years from age 16-20 and the last year of our relationship we were just two people living in the same flat and slept in different rooms simply because we were arguing all the time. The year before (2nd year together) I was still living with my mum who decided to eff off and leave me homeless and I fell into a really deep state of depression as it happened on my 18th Birthday. I was homeless for 5 months and during this he broke up with me because he didnt want to be around someone who was depressing. I stupidly took him back after I got back on my feet, a full time job and flat of my own which he later moved into but our relationship wasn't the same. He was genuinely a nice person but I had went through a lot and wasn't the same person anymore and didn't feel the same way about him so I broke it off and not long after met my now OH.

    Because you are married I would strongly advise not making any rash decisions. My OH and I have now been together 9 1/2 years and there have been times we have both wanted to walk away but worked through it. Sometimes you need to ask for help and though we never got this far, I would maybe see about speaking to a relationship counselor or if you are religious speak to your church about relationship support.

    Members signature icon
    Met in Nov 2005
    Engaged 13th June 2013
    Becomes Mrs Stewart on 10th Aug 2015 Honeymoon in Florida!
    My Diary Thread: My Alice in Wonderland Wedding Diary
  5.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 7 years ago
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Becki I didn't want to just read and run. Firstly


    Every relationship is different and it would be difficult for anyone to be able to really say where your relationship is going because even if you're really close to one or both of the people involved you're not them and so don't know every single little detail or what exactly held you both together for so long and why you fell in love with each other.

    Some questions for you to consider:

    Can you both remember why you fell in love and married?

    What is it you still love about him? And him about you?

    Could it be a temporary blip? Some couples have that then it over times brings them closer together.

    Have you tried marriage counselling and/or mediation? If you're both committed to each other and want to try and work things out you'll both seriously consider giving it a go.

    Why is he behaving like this in the past year? What changed?


    A few comments :

    Half the things you say in your original post resonate with what I and other members complain on this site about our husbands and h2b's. I myself have complained on here, ranted in fact, about my hubby behaving the same as some of the things you describe (not the tw1tt3r thing though). There is a reason we stick with them though................love.

    You both need to talk seriously, he needs to listen, equally he needs to also be able to talk and be listened to. Does he think you'd never seriously leave him permanently?

    Only you can decide if you want to stay with him and if you think your marriage is worth fighting for.

    Sorry I couldn't really help much. I really hope you can both sort it out. xxx

    Members signature icon
    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  6.  
    • DonnaH39
      CommentAuthorDonnaH39
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I also don't want to read and run, noone on here can tell you what to on such a decision.

    However I want to just put my two pence in about you saying you feel like a cow for typing all this... he didn't do anything for your anniversary and you've found those things on twitter AND he said he was tempted by more.... you are not being a cow at all and that's only looking at part of those small things... I'm not even going to get into the rest.

    He might be a lovely guy to some people, but it seems he has not only taken you for granted but he hasn't woken up even after you've shown him that you will leave. That should have shocked him into action and I can't help but think if that doesn't nothing will.




  7.  
    • sALLY
      CommentAuthorsALLY
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
     
    Becki i hope you find the answers you need, maybe you just need a little time out to remember how you both fell in love and it will also hopefully make him realise things haven't changed like he said and are you are still feeling that way. both people need to make an effort in the relationship even years after being together
  8.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 7 years ago
      Posted: Jul 6th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    To add ..................Please do not feel that you would be letting anyone down, it is no one's business whether you stay together or not, it's yours and your hubby's marriage, between you two only. Yes some may be upset if you decide not stay together but they should support you in whatever you decide.

    Do you trust him still? Trust is very important in any relationship.

    xxx

    Members signature icon
    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  9.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Jul 7th 2015
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    Is it worth you both going to relate of some kind to see if you can work through this first before going down the route of separation? Maybe this is something you don't want to do though, only yourselves can say this. I hope you can sort it out.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  10.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Jul 7th 2015
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    I'm probably not going to be much help, but again, I didn't want to read and run! I'm sorry to hear you are having a bit of a rubbish time of it. I think you need to sit down with your OH and have a very honest and open chat about everything so that he has no choice but to listen to you - this requires both of you to work together to try and save your relationship, if it continues to be all one sided then nothing is going to change. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee and actually WANT to do something about it.

    Are you able to go away together for a couple days, just you and him so you can have some quality time together? Ban phones, tvs, computers, whatever... just you and him, remembering why you fell in love with each other.

    My OH and I have been together just over 4 years now and whilst we love the bones off each other and would do anything for each other, it's not all hearts and roses all the time. The honeymoon period is only going to last so long and after that you need 2 people who truly love and care about each other to make the relationship continue to work.

    I hope you manage to sort this out, but if you can't please do not think you would be letting anyone down if you walked away! As IDL said, your relationship is your business and no one else's, and only you can make the decision and know what's right for you.

    Sending hugs

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  11.  
    • CommentAuthorSamanthaW362
      Posted: Jul 7th 2015
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    ya,, its hard...
    i dont really know to face the situation.
    the only one i do is ask to my heart, i want this wedding or not..
    if yes, i'll change myself first...
    doing many things that makes my happy, doing treatment for my body and face,, be more beautiful and happy
  12.  
    • princesspixie
      CommentAuthorprincesspixie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Jul 7th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Firstly, I'm sorry you're having these problems and don't really know what else to suggest that other people haven't. But is your husband aware of you're feeling and is he feeling the same? Sometimes these feelings can be one sided he may not realise he's taking you for granted and quite happy just plodding along with the way you are now I'm not suggesting you just plod along but he definitely needs to be made of aware of the situation. I think counselling could be a good idea for you it could help him express his feelings and if theres anything thats bothering him that he's not told you.

    I really hope you sort things out



    Members signature icon
    Officially married my best friend 2/5/2015 (secretly)
    Big wedding 18/06/2016

  13.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Jul 7th 2015
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    Sod anyone else ... You need to ask yourself if you would be letting you down if you don't do WHATEVER it is that will make you happier.

    He makes a mess ... Leave it there
    He has washing ..... Just do yours
    He gets drunk .... Go home leave him there
    Don't buy gifts
    Don't run a bath

    Basically go on strike ... I once found it was the minute I stopped doing things that what you do gets noticed ( read the ..how to train your husband thread ... I'll bump it for you )

    Ask yourself if you can visualise your life without him in it .
    Consider where you would live etc

    Don't do anything in haste

  14.  
    • clair
      CommentAuthorclair
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 7th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hi! I'm sorry you are in this situation it must be totally rubbish :(.

    The only advice I can give is, start by talking to him and telling him how you feel. He may be doing all theses things and not relising how much it is annoying you. Or you could suggest marriage counselling? I have heard it is really good and dose help a lot of couples, it may be worth trying before you decide it split up.

    I hope it all works our for you.

    Members signature icon
    Started going out with my Gorgeous man 7/11/2010
    Got engaged on the 21/9/2013
    became mrs Thornton on the 2/8/2015
    our wedding day was the best day ever :)!
  15.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Jul 8th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear that you're now in this situation. It's no fun for anyone involved and it's a very hard decision to make.

    To begin with, I read your post and I wasn't going to reply because I thought I should keep my opinion to myself. But I've been wandering around cleaning the house and it's all I can think about so I'm going to post, and you can ignore me if you wish :)

    To me, your post sounds a little bit like you're looking for permission. And you don't need it. To me, it sounds like you've pretty much already tried anything I can think of to let him know you're not happy, and he's not done anything about it. You've even gone so far as to actually separate, and he's promised to change, try harder... and hasn't. That doesn't sound like someone who is too invested, to me, but only you can say if that is the case or not. It takes 2 to save a marriage, and if he isn't up for it, then you will be banging your head against a brick wall.

    I was with someone for 5 years. Bought a house, got engaged, but thankfully we didn't make it to getting married because i called it off. It got to the point with him where he would walk in the door and I would pick up the Jack Daniel's because I had actually started to hate him... but that's another story. There was no reason for it. He was just lazy and unambitious and expected everything to be done for him. Then he'd flip out if he EVER got asked to do a bit of cleaning... he was a nice guy really, but he wasn't the one for me. Despite those years together. That doesn't mean it is the same for you, but I read your post and I get the impression that you feel somewhat like I did.

    Given what you found on his phone, with the semi-nude woman, how do you know he's texting his friends while he's sitting at the other end of the sofa? And how do you feel, really, about not having sex for 4 or 5 months? Sex isn't the be-all and end-all but it is something you should enjoy doing with your husband occasionally. If you're saying he doesn't turn you on anymore and you're just annoyed by him... it doesn't sound good to me.

    When you separated before, how did you feel about it, leading up to it and during? Have those feelings gotten better, or worse now? And if you've told him that you feel this way, after you actually left previously, and he's done nothing, do you think it is worth going to counselling? No one can answer this but you. But if you're looking for permission to end the relationship, don't. You do not need permission. My parents had paid about £600 toward my wedding (4 years ago, the one that didn't happen) and I couldn't pay them back, and i was terrified to leave because I couldn't afford to pay a mortgage on my own, I didn't want to move back in with my parents... but it would have been worse to stay. For me. I'm sorry for sharing, I just think that sometimes it helps to know that you're not the only person this has happened to or the only person who has felt like this.

    I hope that everything works out, whichever way you might want that to be xxx
  16.  
    • princesspixie
      CommentAuthorprincesspixie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Jul 10th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Lala whenever i go on mini strike (it only ever lasts a day) OH realises he's in bad books or that I'm feeling down about something so usually treats me most of the time with a meal out and a bottle of wine its only a little gesture but it always helps xxx

    Members signature icon
    Officially married my best friend 2/5/2015 (secretly)
    Big wedding 18/06/2016

  17.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Jul 12th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Pixie you need to be strong and go on strike for longer than a day .... hell girl show him you mean business

  18.  
    • TashyM
      CommentAuthorTashyM
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 14th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I don't really know what else to say that hasn't already been said, but sorry you're going through this. He doesn't sound like he appreciates you at all. Even if everything else was forgivable flirting with other girls is just not on. Is there somewhere you could stay for a couple of days so you can have a proper think without him around? I think at times we all have moments we want to throw things at our OH's head, but it should not be a common feeling.
  19.  
    • CharlotteE98
      CommentAuthorCharlotteE98
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 14th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

    Again, I don't know what to say other than what's already been said. Me and hubby got married in April but we've been together 8 years. What you've described is him to a T sometimes, although I think I'm probably worse when it comes to being tidy etc! We bicker and fall out over little things, and I have gone on strike for a week after a particularly spectacular argument just before the wedding (he wasn't happy about empty cupboards and having to cook his own tea from what we had in there. That'll teach him for moaning about wasting food when he doesn't do the shopping or the cooking), and we've been through some very tough times, but we've just about come out the other side in one piece. We've been like passing ships in the night since the wedding because he's been working pretty much every weekend, which is driving me mad at the moment too. We drive each other round the bend sometimes but we both know that we wouldn't be the couple we are if it wasn't for these things.

    You need to have a talk. Start by writing another letter and laying out exactly how you feel and take it from there. I've done this and it worked really well. I got my point across without any interruptions and left him to read it in his own time. Try not to make any hasty decisions. Every relationship is hard and nobody is perfect, but only the two of you can decide if you can make it work.

    I really hope it all works out for you xx
 
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