Hi All

Really really in need of some advice!! And apologies in advance its a long one!
My mates are brilliant but I think they just tell me what I want to hear rather then how it is at times. Would be nice to get an outside opinion.

So me and my hubby have been together for 7 years and married for 3. (We are both 28)
At first it was amazing we got on great, never argued always made time for each other but this last 8 or so months It's all just gone downhill!

At first I put how I felt all down to being stressed at work but now I'm not so sure!!
Everything he seems to do just winds me up constantly.
He hardly ever helps out around the house and if he does it's because his family or friends are coming over so he'll tidy up or if I ask him.
It's me that constantly has to do everything.
Then when I do spend hours cleaning he comes home and dumps stuff done makes a mess and has no regard for the time I've spent sorting the place.
It sounds petty but when it happens day in and day out it really starts to grate on you and makes me feel like why did I bother.
It basically feels like I'm taken for granted these days expects me to cook and clean up after him. I can't even remember the last time he told me I looked beautiful or wanted to do something romantic for me.

Most evenings he's sat at other end of the room on his phone texting his mates all night.
It seems like He would rather go out drinking with them then spend a evening in with me. When he does go out he acts like he's still 18 gets ridiculously drunk then spends all the next day throwing up - which when it's the only day off we have together takes the mick!

I caught him flirting with some girl on Twitter as well she sent him some half naked pic and he said how lush she looked and asked for another. He even said he was tempted when she asked him for some fun!

We had a break 4 months ago because I'd had enough! he begged me to come home saying how he had taken me for granted and everything would change.
He even suggested a date night every month just us no phones, no TV just a nice meal, wine and talk .... This hasn't happened once!
He made effort for the first 2 weeks I was home then it all stopped and it's back to how it was.

I'll go out of my way to do nice little things for him like if I know he's had a bad day at work I'll cook him a nice meal and run him a bath. When I'm out and I see something I know he'd like il pick it up as a nice little surprise I never get any of this. On our wedding anniversary he said he would sort a nice weekend away to make it up to me .. he never bothered I had to book it in the end and 3 days before we were due to go as he just never bothered and even then he didn't even get me a card.

He never really shows me any affection or that. We very very rarely do the "deed" some times 4/5 months go past at a time without it! It's not like I'm not in the mood just not with him.



I've started to feel like he's more a mate then my husband I don't know anymore if I love him like I used to, I don't really feel attracted to him like I used to either.

Not only that but We argue nearly all the time now to and over the silliest of things
1 minute were ok the next I can't stand to be with him.

It's sounds horrid now I read it all back and I sound like a right cow as he is a lovely guy but I just don't know if it's going to work anymore.

I just don't know what to do or how I feel about it all. I've tried talking to him but it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

I always believed that when I got married it would be for forever and I feel like if it ended i would be letting so many people down.

Has anyone been in the same position? Any advice please? Is there any coming back?

Hi

Thankyou so much for your reply.

When I left him last time after we talked and it fell on deaf ears I wrote it all down in a letter for him to read it didn't make much difference :-( x

Becki I didn't want to just read and run. Firstly


Every relationship is different and it would be difficult for anyone to be able to really say where your relationship is going because even if you're really close to one or both of the people involved you're not them and so don't know every single little detail or what exactly held you both together for so long and why you fell in love with each other.

Some questions for you to consider:

Can you both remember why you fell in love and married?

What is it you still love about him? And him about you?

Could it be a temporary blip? Some couples have that then it over times brings them closer together.

Have you tried marriage counselling and/or mediation? If you're both committed to each other and want to try and work things out you'll both seriously consider giving it a go.

Why is he behaving like this in the past year? What changed?


A few comments :

Half the things you say in your original post resonate with what I and other members complain on this site about our husbands and h2b's. I myself have complained on here, ranted in fact, about my hubby behaving the same as some of the things you describe (not the tw1tt3r thing though). There is a reason we stick with them though................love.

You both need to talk seriously, he needs to listen, equally he needs to also be able to talk and be listened to. Does he think you'd never seriously leave him permanently?

Only you can decide if you want to stay with him and if you think your marriage is worth fighting for.

Sorry I couldn't really help much. I really hope you can both sort it out. xxx

Becki i hope you find the answers you need, maybe you just need a little time out to remember how you both fell in love and it will also hopefully make him realise things haven't changed like he said and are you are still feeling that way. both people need to make an effort in the relationship even years after being together

Is it worth you both going to relate of some kind to see if you can work through this first before going down the route of separation? Maybe this is something you don't want to do though, only yourselves can say this. I hope you can sort it out.

ya,, its hard...
i dont really know to face the situation.
the only one i do is ask to my heart, i want this wedding or not..
if yes, i'll change myself first...
doing many things that makes my happy, doing treatment for my body and face,, be more beautiful and happy

Sod anyone else ... You need to ask yourself if you would be letting you down if you don't do WHATEVER it is that will make you happier.

He makes a mess ... Leave it there
He has washing ..... Just do yours
He gets drunk .... Go home leave him there
Don't buy gifts
Don't run a bath

Basically go on strike ... I once found it was the minute I stopped doing things that what you do gets noticed ( read the ..how to train your husband thread ... I'll bump it for you )

Ask yourself if you can visualise your life without him in it .
Consider where you would live etc

Don't do anything in haste

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear that you're now in this situation. It's no fun for anyone involved and it's a very hard decision to make.

To begin with, I read your post and I wasn't going to reply because I thought I should keep my opinion to myself. But I've been wandering around cleaning the house and it's all I can think about so I'm going to post, and you can ignore me if you wish :)

To me, your post sounds a little bit like you're looking for permission. And you don't need it. To me, it sounds like you've pretty much already tried anything I can think of to let him know you're not happy, and he's not done anything about it. You've even gone so far as to actually separate, and he's promised to change, try harder... and hasn't. That doesn't sound like someone who is too invested, to me, but only you can say if that is the case or not. It takes 2 to save a marriage, and if he isn't up for it, then you will be banging your head against a brick wall.

I was with someone for 5 years. Bought a house, got engaged, but thankfully we didn't make it to getting married because i called it off. It got to the point with him where he would walk in the door and I would pick up the Jack Daniel's because I had actually started to hate him... but that's another story. There was no reason for it. He was just lazy and unambitious and expected everything to be done for him. Then he'd flip out if he EVER got asked to do a bit of cleaning... he was a nice guy really, but he wasn't the one for me. Despite those years together. That doesn't mean it is the same for you, but I read your post and I get the impression that you feel somewhat like I did.

Given what you found on his phone, with the semi-nude woman, how do you know he's texting his friends while he's sitting at the other end of the sofa? And how do you feel, really, about not having sex for 4 or 5 months? Sex isn't the be-all and end-all but it is something you should enjoy doing with your husband occasionally. If you're saying he doesn't turn you on anymore and you're just annoyed by him... it doesn't sound good to me.

When you separated before, how did you feel about it, leading up to it and during? Have those feelings gotten better, or worse now? And if you've told him that you feel this way, after you actually left previously, and he's done nothing, do you think it is worth going to counselling? No one can answer this but you. But if you're looking for permission to end the relationship, don't. You do not need permission. My parents had paid about £600 toward my wedding (4 years ago, the one that didn't happen) and I couldn't pay them back, and i was terrified to leave because I couldn't afford to pay a mortgage on my own, I didn't want to move back in with my parents... but it would have been worse to stay. For me. I'm sorry for sharing, I just think that sometimes it helps to know that you're not the only person this has happened to or the only person who has felt like this.

I hope that everything works out, whichever way you might want that to be xxx

Pixie you need to be strong and go on strike for longer than a day .... hell girl show him you mean business

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

Again, I don't know what to say other than what's already been said. Me and hubby got married in April but we've been together 8 years. What you've described is him to a T sometimes, although I think I'm probably worse when it comes to being tidy etc! We bicker and fall out over little things, and I have gone on strike for a week after a particularly spectacular argument just before the wedding (he wasn't happy about empty cupboards and having to cook his own tea from what we had in there. That'll teach him for moaning about wasting food when he doesn't do the shopping or the cooking), and we've been through some very tough times, but we've just about come out the other side in one piece. We've been like passing ships in the night since the wedding because he's been working pretty much every weekend, which is driving me mad at the moment too. We drive each other round the bend sometimes but we both know that we wouldn't be the couple we are if it wasn't for these things.

You need to have a talk. Start by writing another letter and laying out exactly how you feel and take it from there. I've done this and it worked really well. I got my point across without any interruptions and left him to read it in his own time. Try not to make any hasty decisions. Every relationship is hard and nobody is perfect, but only the two of you can decide if you can make it work.

I really hope it all works out for you xx