Emily Stevenson
Emily Stevenson 26 Jan 2020

Step-dad role

My dad passed away 8 months ago. I will have my mum walk me down the aisle and I want her to do the speech as well. However she bought up that my step-dad could walk me down the aisle. When I said no to this she said she’d like him to do the speech so he’s included. I don’t want this as it feels disrespectful to my dad and it’s never been something I wanted. I don’t want it to cause tension between my mum and I. What ways could I include my step-dad?

61 Comments
UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

He could do a reading during the service. Or be a witness.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Be a witness or do a speech as well?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Or he could drive you to your ceremony

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

You could include him by simply letting him sit at the top table with you.. I would be the same as I wouldn't have wanted another man walking me down the isle accept my grandad

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Could your stepdad do a reading at the wedding?
Maybe sit with your mum and explain that you don't want your stepdad to be doing things that your dad would have done. your dad will always be your dad and it sounds like your mum is forgetting that

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Both walking you down the isle

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

He could drive you or ride with you to the ceremony, and maybe have the "first look"?
He could perhaps wait at the end of Isle, so when your mum has walked you down the Isle he can give you a kiss/ hug and take your mum's hand and walk her to her seat?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

A reading during the ceremony. X

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

maybe make him the witness xx

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I can understand why it’s hard with ur dad passing only 8months ago, like other suggested there is other ways he could be involved , it’s your wedding and your mum needs to respect your choice .

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

What about a reading?
Its your day babe no one will ever replace your dad and your family and mum will understand that.
Brides wishes and couple wishes only xx

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Have him do your first dance. It's really not disrespectful to your dad as I'm sure he would appreciate your step dad being able to support you as hes unable to due to sadly not being alive. Maybe have your dads photograph on your dinner table to commemorate him :)

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Don't do something just because somebody else wants you to, you will regret it.
He could be a witness?
Or read a poem x

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

A witness maybe

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Think if you don't want him/ never planned him to be included, don't include him. Just because your father passed away ( sorry for your loss, no disrespect) doesn't change that. Its your wedding, your mum needs to realise this. It will cause tension but you can't please everyone, it's not thier day. It's yours. You'll regret it if he plays a major role as you'll look back and want to change it.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

My dad died 9 months before my wedding. I remember right as I was about to go down the aisle, with my mum next to me, I just lost it and started to cry heavily. Because he should have been next to me and he wasn’t. It’s you and your fiancé’s day. Don’t let anybody tell you differently. In the end, I only had myself, my husband and my mum do a speech. I didn’t even want my mum to do a speech at first, but it felt wrong to not have her say something. The groomsmen weren’t overly happy they couldn’t say anything. But there’s plenty of stuff you could do with your stepdad. One thing I hate that I missed is my first dance with my dad. So maybe you could do this with your stepdad? It doesn’t even have to be a whole song as everybody usually joins in after a minute or two anyway..

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Have your step dad also do a reading but, mention your dad in it. Something like " I know I could never take the place of your dad but, I hope he's looking down thinking I'm the next best thing". If your mother and step dad have been together a while its nice to include him but, obvs make reference to your dad. He could just feel like he's always just your mothers partner otherwise.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

How about have him as master of ceremony and he can introduce the speeches and you into the room? Xxx

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Signing the register

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I understand how you feel.
When my daughter married after her father passed away she asked me to give her away. At first I didn't think I could do it as know it would upset me doing something I shouldn't be having to. (There wasn't a step father available).
So perhaps your mum isn't feeling up to the task at this point. Have a word with her and explain how you feel and check with her as to how it's making her feel. It may result in s very emotional conversation but it's good for you both.
I ended up doing it for my daughter but only made the decision I could do it shortly before the wedding. She had her best male friend in reserve in case I bottled it.
If your mum doesn't feel upto it. Who will you ask instead? Hope everything goes ok x

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

For me what he did would be dependent on how long he has been your step father. Did he have any part in bringing you up to be the person you are today? Something that fits with how much he has been involved in your life.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Have him be a witness and sign the registry Or have both do a speech

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Sorry to hear about your loss, these things are never easy. Personally I don't think it's disrespectful to your father I'm sure he would understand, but I can understand that you don't want to feel like your filling his gap. I'm not sure how long your step dad had been in your life or how big of a part of it he's been. If your Dad were a live would your step dad have taken any role in your wedding?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Make him an usher or such? My hubbys step dad walked one of my bridesmaids down the aisle so he would feel included :)

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Perhaps he could read a short reading at your ceremony? A nice poem or something xx

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Usher? Or let him do a speech as well as your mum? Or just tell her how you feel 🤷🏼‍♀️

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Get him a button hole to show that he's included, perhaps do a reading during the ceremony. Otherwise it's your day, don't do anything that you wouldn't have wanted to do if your dad was there, it's unfair of your mum to put that pressure on you x

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

First of all I’m so sorry for your loss and secondly my honest opinion is don’t do it, if you think it’s going to be disrespectful, don’t be guilt tripped into including him in anything, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all and it’s nothing personal to him but if you think it’s going to be disrespectful to your dad then it will nag away at you in the back of your mind all day and you don’t want that. It’s going to be a bittersweet day as it is for you, it’s all about you and your husband to be, not keeping other people happy and sometimes a bride just has to put her foot down 💕

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Read a poem ......
Do a reading of favourite paragraph from a book 📚......

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

With my dad passed away , to help me and my mum I had my brother walk me down the aisle instead .....

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I have my step dad signing as a witness xxx

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

My oldest son is walking me down the isle, my mum and brother wanted to but I wont allow it, my mums boyfriend is invited to the wedding hut that's as far as it goes, no speech, no top table nothing dont get me wrong I dont dislike him but it's not his place at the end of the day it's my wedding I'll only be doing this once if hes unhappy with it then tough it's going to be hard enough without my dad there no one can take his place but I know my dad will be proud of my son doing it

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

He's invited.... That's enough. Never feel like you need to justify someone else for your wedding.....it's about you and your love. He's involved enough by sharing the day with you. If that's what you want don't stress and be open and honest ♥️

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Maybe a reading at the ceremony? I wanted to include my Auntie as she is a big part of my life and doesnt have any children, so will never get to be a MOB or MOG, so she did a reading at our ceremony 😊

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

No because you don’t want it and no because you feel it’s disrespectful to your dad. You have answered your own question. If you give in you will feel crap about your own wedding and it’s not worth it

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

My dad is alive but my parents split up and I also have a stepfather. It’s not the same as what you’re going through I know, but I love my dad and my stepdad as they’re 2 men who have looked after me and been there for me. My dad will obviously be the priority but I’ll still be offering my stepdad the chance to make a speech if he wants to. You don’t need to feel like it’s disrespectful to your dad to include your stepdad, as other comments have said the speech could talk about your dad to honour his memory ❤️

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

How awful that not only have you lost your dad but now have this to think about. It is your day and if people cannot respect your wishes then they are being selfish. It's not about including someone it's about how you would feel. Stay strong, explain to your mum and if she doesn't like it then what sort of a mum is she really

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I think do what you want, ask your mum to do it but if she is traditional and would prefer a man, do you have any men in your family who could do it? I've asked my uncle and he is super chuffed 😍 xx

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

We didnt have any speeches so avoided this my husband thanked people for coming and that was it. I would speak directly to your stepdad and not your mum as he may not actually be feeling he has to be included. It could be your mum thinking he will. X x

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I think it depends on how much he has been in your life. My H2B's step dad replaced his dad (Dad ran away to another country, no contact since he was 12) so he is part of the groom party. Whereas I have barely spoken to my step mum so she isn't invited to my hen do and is on the table with my cousin and uncle. It's your wedding, your choice! I'm sure just being in a groomsmen suit or and usher or something will make him feel included if you didn't want to have him do more 🤷

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Ask him to do a reading during the ceremony?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

You could have your step dad be one of the witnesses. That’s what we’re doing with my H2B’s step parents

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I can’t cope with some of these comments on here suggesting you should include him just because he’s your step father 😂 it is YOUR wedding, if you don’t want him to walk you, that’s the end of it.

And tell your stepdad directly, with the reason why. He’ll understand if he cares about you, and your mum will get over it. You’re still grieving, don’t allow yourself to become guilt tripped because this is about your union.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

A reading at the church?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

The offertory at the church if you are getting married in a church?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Ask your step dad to do a reading or a poem

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

One way you could include him if you want to is to have him be a witness?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Do a reading? Be a witness?

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Ask your stepdad to do a reading

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Ring bearer. We are getting married in September and have our son giving me away, as I don't speak to my dad. My oldest daughter is going to be ring bearer so she feels she has a part. x

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

He could do a reading for you instead? An extract if a book or poem or something that you like.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Your day your way my darling 💗💗

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

If he’s paying towards your wedding your mum probably wants him included, if not there’s no reason you should include him it’s your day, good luck x

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

I had the same problem i had to stand my ground my dad passed 7 years before my wedding and i didnt want to replace him but my mam wanted my brother to walk me down i said no and i spoke to my brother and he agreed with me and Mam was not happy 😔 i eventually said to her you can walk me down but she said no so i walked down with my flower girl instead, its a stressful situation to find yourself in and my advice is its your day be assertive you cant please everyone simply please your self

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

Maybe your husband could mention your step dad in his speach and say a thankyou and you could get him and your mom a joint present maybe a spa day.

UKbride Member 28 Jan 2020

My father in law was our master of ceremonies for the day so that he felt involved too!

UKbride Member 29 Jan 2020

Master of ceremonies perhaps? X

UKbride Member 29 Jan 2020

My uncle walked me down the aisle and did the father of the bride speech but included my dad in the speech. I had a photo of my dad pinned to the strap on my shoe so he could still walk me down the aisle.

UKbride Member 29 Jan 2020

I know it's traditionally the groomsman's bit what if he gave a speech before introducing you at the wedding breakfast/reception?

UKbride Member 29 Jan 2020

I had my brother give me away. My heart hurt with my dad not being there. I feel your pain. Traditionally its either your brother or uncle to take their place. I did ask my mom first but she wasn't comfortable with it. I had a charm with his photo on my bouquet so he was with me all the way. You do what's in your heart, no one else's xx

UKbride Member 31 Jan 2020

My stepfather in law is doing a reading so he’s included. He’s the only one doing a reading and it’s a reading that fits us well so has special meaning. X

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