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UKbride Member Request 19 Jan 2020

Demanding sister

My sister + I do not really get on. We have what you could call a temperamental relationship. Fall out quite a lot. At the moment we have not fell out, just are not close as we have been. She has assumed that as my sister it is her right to be bridesmaid. I have wrestled with this decision + had not made a decision on who I was going to pick. She has bombarded me with questions, dropping hints etc trying to get me to ask her. This has turned to blackmail + bullying, narcissistic behaviour. She then took it up on herself to message someone that I am close with, giving her abuse for being my bridesmaid. I have not asked anyone to be bridesmaid but this falls on deaf ears. She has caused so much grief that the family are now at war. She has made me + my fiance feel completely dejected about our wedding day as she has now turned it into being all about her + how it is making her heartbroken. She does not care about how this has made us feel, just keeps going on about her. It is all me me me. My family is now at war + I just do not know what to do.

62 Comments
UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

It's your wedding. You choose who u want to be as bridesmaid. All because she's family doesn't mean she gets the role of being bridesmaid. I had a friend do this to me all because she was my best friend at the time but now we've fallen out, it was her way or no way.
Best friend or not I had my reasons to not want her being bridesmaid but she automatically thought she was... She was the same when I was picking godparents for my children, she automatically thought she was one.. I'm glad to have rid tbh... But like I said, it's your wedding your choice. No one else's

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I think you do know what to do, and that is not have her as bridesmaid! You should not be feeling like that while planning the happiest day of your lives 😔 if she can't understand that, then it's her loss. At the end of the day, you don't want to be looking back on your day and remembering tension and upset, so eliminate beforehand! It's your day, your choice! Simple as that, there's no obligation for you to even have bridesmaids x

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Run of and get married somewhere special and just a special group say a extra 4 to 6 the smaller the better and just go do it. What's the most important thing is your both there. Your real family and other friends will understand. Go have a special day with no worries of anything kicking off. Good luck

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Ahhh families, sad thing is sometimes they really do let you and themselves down when there’s a wedding on the horizon! Please please PLEASE don’t allow her to ruin your day, you don’t need to have her as a bridesmaid and if you tell her she’s not going to be one and why, and if she still carries on behaving the way she has been I would tell her straight...smarten up or you’re not coming to the wedding at all sis! I know it sounds harsh but sounds to me she’s already doing what she can to spoil things so I wouldn’t want her there. Good luck with it, hope she grows up a bit x

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

One thing we learned when planning our wedding, especially the guest list and seating is, that you wont please everyone and alot of people try to make it about them and forget the fact that it is YOUR big day. Do what makes you and your fiance happy because at the end of the day you are the only two who really matter on the day. People will bitch and moan no matter what you do so just make sure your happy doing it! Side note, I have 2 sisters, both were bridesmaid despite the fact my older sister didnt want to be as she wanted me to have her daughter instead, I had all 3 in the end x

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Maybe a sister to sister conversation is needed? Try the gentle approach, and if you still can't get her to see it from your side then try a more blunt approach.
It's you and your fiancé's big day and family should be there to support you. Give your sister another chance to be a part of it and support you but if she can't commit to your needs, you really need to think about yourself and your future husband. I hope you manage to iron out the disagreements but ultimately its your day, not your sisters X

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Please do not give her want she wants. This happened to my husband, his brother bullied him into being his best man for our wedding and it have us nothing but head aches and misery. Stick to your guns, your friends and family know you and your sisters relationship, do what you need to do to make it the day you want.

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

No you can have whoever you want to be bridesmaids it's your wedding, your day.. We didn't have my in laws there as they decided they weren't interested in our wedding, we have been married for a year today and still to still day they have not congratulated us.. So no you can have who you want as bridesmaid.. My cousin didn't have any family and had just one of her friends as bridesmaid

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Would suggest she has 2 options. She can be a guest at your wedding and behave like an adult or if she is going to behave badly then she can just not be invited. I would suggest explaining to her the reasons that she's not your bridesmaid. Maybe she's unaware of how her behaviour affects others. If you can't explain to her in person (because she won't listen/talks over you) then give it to her in writing. You can't choose your family but you have every right to choose your bridesmaids and should be surrounded by the girls who support you on that day. Good luck 🤞

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I was a widow and recently got married again. I didn't have any bridesmaids. You should definitely have who you want and not somebody who does not have your best interests at heart.

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

If i had a sister and she behaved like this and my family was at war, I would just go ahead and get martied without them in secret, problem solved, in fact I'm not having any family at my wedding nor is HTB, we have just chosen a few close friends

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I wasn’t a bridesmaid for my sisters wedding. It didn’t bother me, it was HER day and not mine.

I’d personally ban her from the whole wedding. You should be able to enjoy your day xx

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I really feel for you. Narcissistic behaviour by others against you, makes you feel guilty and is especially bad because it’s your sister. Try to remember this is your day and tell her no. Good luck. It’s easy for me to advise as I’m not the one having to follow it though xx

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I had somthing similar with my brother he has so many kids by so many different women I know 3 of the children my daughter was verry close with my eldest neice so I had them 2 as my bridesmaid and was gonna have my youngest as a flower girl but there was problems my brother is in denial that the oldest is his and did not want his other kids there he said if she i wasnt going to make no decision based on black mail he made his decision that the kids were not going to meet I have never got on with my brother due personal reasons but he made the decision

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Ignore it, plan your wedding your way, and tell them the plans (don't ask, make it clear those are the plans) Don't have your sister as bridesmaid, she clearly doesn't deserve to be part of your day

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I wouldn't invite her!! X

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Tell her straight...no point beating around the bush. I understand family feuds I have a sister but under no circumstances would I ask her to be my bridesmaid, I haven't even invited my own parents and I know it'll be the best day ever xx

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I'm so sorry you are in this position, it's unfair. But you and your hubby to be are the only ones that matter, its your day and you should have the day you both want regardless of anyone else. I hope she gets over it and you have an amazing day x

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Oh gosh, no it’s not her right to be bridesmaid. Nor do you have to invite her to your hen do or anything else. If you aren’t close then why should she be one? I hate it when people presume that because they are family or are going to be family they automatically get privileges 🙄 It doesn’t work like that! If you don’t get on then not going to happen 🤷‍♀️

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

It sounds like you need to be very clear with her and say you don’t want her as a bridesmaid, just say u don’t get on that well and it would just be for the best if u left it at that. Your day, your decision and if she is already causing trouble ask if she actually wants to be there at all!? We had issues with family members that we didn’t trust ( due to previous issues sometimes in special occasions )and ended up asking them not to drink or not come ( they chose not to come). It was a shame but to be fair we had a less stressful day in the end rather than wait for potential ticking time bombs to go off!

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

If she was acting like that I wouldn't even invite her. 🤣 shes not gunna get anywhere acting like a spoilt brat so show her you won't tolerate it, it's your day and you can do whatever the hell you want!!

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Tell her it is your day not hers and you will have who you want as a bridesmaid and you wont be dictated too. I asked my best friend to be my bridesmaid but when her mum started saying that she, her husband and kids should all be at the day I told her to get stuffed and she was no longer bridesmaid. Haven't spoke to her since and all because of an overbearing woman. You decide what and who you want there, don't be bullied into anything.

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Stick to your guns!
I’ve chosen who I want, and they represent those in from different parts of my life!
My sister hasn’t got a role!

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Ban her.

It's your wedding day, anyone making you feel crap has gotta go. Rid yourself of toxicity. It's what you deserve.

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

inform everyone you will have no bridesmaids x

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Just tell her straight exactly how you feel and tell her she isn’t going to be bridesmaid and if she carries on the way she does take a step back from her and you and partner plan the day you want as it’s about you two and tell your sister she’s not invited to the wedding if it causes problems else where in the family then that’s down to your family to sort it out between themselves main thing is you are marrying the guy you love the day is about you two and your happiness

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Don't even ask her to the wedding its your day

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

My advice would be dont ban her at this stage. Shes your sister and banning her from your wedding will severe your relationship entirely and cause more heartache....you need to tread carefully. I would suggest either not having adult bridesmaids- maybe just have little bridesmaids and give your friends honours like toasts and civil witnesses? If you want adult bridesmaids its your right to have whoever but be prepared for more jealous behaviour from your sister. Good luck and hope it sorts itself out for you.

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Don't invite them. I know as horrible as this sounds but I have had a rocky relationship with my family the last few years and they are not invited. They had their chance to make it up to me and I'm not going to let them ruin my big day. Your wedding day is about what you and your partner want, nobody else matters. If you annoy or upset some people, that's just how it's going to have to be. Do not let anyone ruin your day, it's YOUR day

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Sorry but fuck the lot of them. Do it without them. Just you, your fella and your really close ones

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

Shes your sister so it's not out of the realms of possibility that she may have been your bridesmaid especially if you're having a bigger wedding. I'd sit her down and your family and tell them that you hadn't asked anyone but shes making it difficult for you to ask her because of how shes behaving. If this is how shes acting now, how is she going to be as part of your bridal party. If you were never going to ask her though then just say so because if you werent going to ask her then you're just turning it on to her when she may have had a point.

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

It's your wedding, you ask whoever you want to be bridesmaid regardless of whether they are family or not. It's no one's right to be bridesmaid x

UKbride Member 20 Jan 2020

I’m really close to both my sisters but neither of them where offended when I didn’t have them as bridesmaids, I made my decision at the start to have a maid of Honour and flower girls ,

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Cut her off. Toxic bratty attitude

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Don't have bridesmaids 🤷‍♀️
But coincidentally 3 of your best mates rock up in the same outfit?!

Seriously though, It's your special day sod everyone else's inputs and choose what's right for you and your fiancé, you can't please everyone x

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

It's ur day and h2b day if it carries on just u 2 go and get married somewhere and if and when family have a go and ask why just tell them ur sister presumed to b a bridesmaid u hadn't made up ur mind but the way shes been to ur other bridesmaid it ruined the planned wedding...u cud elope look up Gretna green weddings hope it sorts itself out

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

What a selfish sister you have 😡this is your and your fiancée day not hers 😁if she doesn’t support you and stand by your decisions tell her to do one 😁you have to be strong do you really want your sister dictating to you what to do on your wedding day 😊NO this is your day. I’m getting married in June and have got a huge family (I’m one of 16 children) and I can’t invite everyone to my wedding 💒 I do feel bad about this but then I take a step back and think this is mine and my fiancée day and if they don’t understand that then that’s just tough 😊u have got to put yourself first 😁stay strong ❤️

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

I wasn’t a bridesmaid at my brothers I was hurt upset but no one knew !!!! My daughters both was though so that was good but was there a reason in first place why you didn’t ? Apart from sometimes falling out ? Tbh it would of made the whole thing easier asking her in first place but she’s got to behave I did ask my brothers wife my best friends and our daughters I had 5 in end started with 3 added 2 extra as wanted everyone to be happy xx

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

I would message her if her behaviour doesn’t stop she won’t be invited at all!!!! Put your feet down and say enough and follow it through. I asked the sister closest to me at the time. I regretted that choice in the end. My wedding was perfect but I had no one to do it with. 😞 x it’s not worth ruining your day xx

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

It’s your wedding day, and you have the final say, not your sister.
If you don’t want her as a bridesmaid don’t have her. And if she then dosent like it... tough titties.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

I completely feel your pain hunni, I was never close to my sister and she expected to be my bridesmaid too. Honestly she causes so much drama I didn’t want her at our wedding, but my fiancée and mum talked me into inviting her as her daughter ( my niece ) was our flower girl and I’m really close to her.
She destroyed my day, actually bad mouthed on our wedding day to other guests because she didn’t have a reserved seat at the front of the ceremony, and we didn’t do family photos with her, and basically said that I was a snob because we had a sit down meal. Honestly I’m still hearing about stuff she did on the day and I got married in October. It’s not worth inviting your sister if she’s going to be horrible, you can deal with the aftermath and snide comments etc but please don’t let her ruin your day and I advise you to not invite her.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Keep her well out of it. Is your day. Family doesn’t equal a fast track to your day! X

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Its ur wedding have who u want. If shes bullying u into having her abso noway have her. If her attitude like this now will only get wurse once she has a bridesmaid title! Shes spoiling ur wedding already and not even part of it yet x

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Rather than continue with this ridiculous behaviour from your sister. Tell the family straight that this is YOUR wedding & YOUR day. If they are not happy about YOUR WEDDING.. then dont come & make it quite clear to the strumpet that she is not invited at all. Yes it seems harsh but it sounds like everyone allows her behaviour. Its tome to start saying NO & GROW UP to her jealous & manipulative behaviour.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Lord i had the same issue i felt obligated to ask her but it all then fell to shit and i should if hone with my instincts as it did leave a really negative energy. I have 4 sisters and only 1 was my bridesmaids. Its your wedding

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

I’m so sorry you are going through this, family’s are so tricky! I believe if it were myself in this situation I would muster all the courage and the strength you have and put your foot down. It is your day and nobody else and don’t worry about upsetting anyone. If they don’t like it- lump it! Don’t let someone so negative ruin your day. You will get through this- all the other comments are totally right- it is your day nobody else’s! Use all of the comments above and act- put that foot down you can do this!

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

My sisters the same. She assumed because she was my sister that she would be a bridesmaid. When I told her she wasn’t she basically said ‘well if I’m not a bridesmaid I ent coming to the wedding’. This really upset my parents. I sorted it out at Xmas when my sis asked me what a wanted a a present, I just told her the only gift I wanted was her to be at my wedding.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Tel, her straight she will not be your bridesmaid and if she keeps up her antics she won’t be coming to the wedding.tell the rest of the family as well.have a meeting with family and get it sorted before it gets really out of hand.get the family talking again.hope all goes well.xx

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

My sister is turning my family into a war zone over my hen party because she wants to bring her emotional support dog to the attractions in London and I have said ‘ESA are not recognised by UK Law as being a service dog because it hasn’t gone through professional training and the law hasn’t been updated in about a decade so your dog will not be allowed access’ this has turned into a full blown war turning me into the bad guy for not meeting her needs.

Family are not easy.
My suggestion would be to pull everyone together and explain ‘no family is getting a special role in your wedding because you don’t want to show favouritism and you are having your close friends as bridesmaids as they have chosen to stick by you (family don’t get to choose as such) and you want to honour them for their decisions. If anyone has any problems with that then remember who the wedding is about and what that means.’
Your wedding is about you making the decision moving forward in your life so you decide who does what on your day.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Completely agree with Diane Hardy if she carys on ban her from the wedding she has no right being like this I completely think when your getting married it shows peoples true colours. Go with what you and your fiance want xxxx

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Ask her round ( you then have home advantage) and CALMLY tell her how much her actions have hurt you, that you haven't made any decisions regarding roles in YOUR wedding.

If you feel that won't be possible then write her a letter .. not txt ... saying exactly what you would say to her face ... just stay calm

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

If you haven’t made a decision yet then you would think she would be all “sweetness and light” to try and win you over 😳🙄

It’s easy to say “it’s your wedding” but I can imagine how it’s making you feel.

Maybe give it a little time to cool off and then have a rethink? Don’t feel pressured into having her as a bridesmaid though.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

I dread the day of my wedding when it comes to one of my sisters...mum passed away couple years ago, and dads been dead to us all our lives so theres no one to pull in her reigns...I'm thinking of eloping on a beach far far from her and her dramas...after what she pulled at my other sisters wedding I cant imagine inviting her, and because she is in fact my sister I cant imagine not inviting her....so to keep myself sane and stress free me and my prince charming are going to a land far far away for our happily ever after ceremony....only downside is coming back and getting an earful about how selfish I am... but I'd rather be selfish than have to confront her and tell her why she wasnt invited...she doesnt take criticism very well...

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

It's your day you have to put your foot down. My fiancé's sisters are the same and everyone's fallen out but we've both had enough and I don't even know if he wants them to come. My brother has always been nasty to me and I haven't even entertained asking him to even come, don't care about what anyone else thinks it is your day, have whoever you want and do what you want and if they don't like it it's their loss. X

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

You could omit bridesmaids all together. Some people don't have any which is perfectly fine.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Just have your niece, I got remarried 3yr ago, had a best friend and my grandson and great nephew, no daughters or step daughter x

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

Darling it’s your day and hubby to be . You do wot will make you day perfect . No one has any right to be part of it . Enjoy your day xx

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

If she wasn’t the first person to come to mind to be a bridesmaid then I wouldn’t have her. I am getting married in 2 weeks and knew the people I wanted. I couldn’t have everyone but they were still the first people to come to mind. Any behaviour like your sisters isn’t welcome. It’s toxic. Nobody should be putting you in that situation. I would tell her she isn’t a bridesmaid for the very reason that she is behaving this way. It’s not loving, supportive or shows anything other than selfishness on her part.

UKbride Member 21 Jan 2020

wanna know what i would say 'off you [email protected]%k' sorry but dont allow it if you even have to give it a second thought then youve already made the choice, she will only take over everything if your relationship is a bad as you say x

UKbride Member 22 Jan 2020

I wouldn’t run off and get married because then she has dictated what happens. Tell her straight behave or don’t come your not bridesmaid - it’s your day good luck xx

UKbride Member 22 Jan 2020

I was never close to my sister until the birth of my first child. We had gotten married 9 months before he was born however and my sister was my chief bridesmaid. Looking back now I know that I did what I did because she was my sister and it was right for her to be by my side at my wedding and I am so relieved I did because seeing how we are now blood is definitely thicker than water. Please let the dust perhaps settle but ask yourself if in time you did make up would you be able to think of your day without your sister by your side and not have a knot in your tummy.
In turn I was maid of honour at her wedding and walked down the aisle with my son.
I hope you are ok and get clarity in time for your special day. I appreciate also we are all different these are only opinions and you should only do what YOUR heart tells you. X

UKbride Member 22 Jan 2020

Just run away together, get married in somewhere simple and enjoy the moment with your husband.
Come back and just have a large party.
If she’s going to show herself up then make her salty by not inviting anyone to the ceremony.
You haven’t officially asked anyone so your not obligated to have bridesmaids

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