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UKbride Member Request 24 Oct 2019

Future mother in law

Hi, this is more a question about mother in law's. So I recently got in engaged and my future mother in law is being nothing but nasty to me and my future h2b. We have set a date and started planning and she knows money is tight but is constantly asking to borrow some. She sends nasty texts to us both, she is really getting me down. I really can't take no more and I don't think my h2b can. I feel like our wedding day is going to be horrible if she doesn't snap out of this mood. I haven't asked her to do anything and I listen to her advice when she gives it to me. I just feel like she is constantly trying to bring us down and is trying to tear us apart. I can't tell him any of this because its his mother. I don't understand what I have done so wrong, before we got engaged it was going okay but now its like she hates our gut's. Help!!!!!!!

28 Comments
UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Tell your h2b! It’s not fair you feeling like that!x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

She's probably just realised he's not her little boy any more and he's going to make you his priority. For her I'd imagine itl feel like shes lost him in a way. You need to tell your H2B how you are feeling and agree together not to lend her money if you don't physically have it available. Reassure her that she will always be his mother but, she's going to push you both away if she carries on. If you voice your opinions to strangers only and not get these issues ironed out then it's going to ruin your experience planning your big day and any memories.

Emma Young
Emma Young 24 Oct 2019

Tell him. It’s the only way. My Husband and I have total honesty when in comes to both sets of in laws and it works wonders! We ask each other’s opinions on them and everything 🤣 parents can be pains in the 🍑 sometimes (mine included!) and you have to have someone to talk through the problems with xxxx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Hun, you HAVE to sit & talk to your H2B .... being made to feel like this is not ok, he needs to take the responsibility to talk to HIS mother

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Can't do anything about her. If she's a troll now it will only get worse once you're locked in. The best option is to have transparency in your interactions, be honest and factual with your man about this issue and hope he has a backbone to do something about it.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

It's an mother in law kinda thing. Mines was like that but worse. Tried to throw me down 3 floors of concrete stairs when pregnant with her grandchild. Talk to your hubby 2 be. He should know how your feeling. So he can speak to her. If you want things to work its called being a team. Never hold back on your feelings x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Concentrate on you and your hubby. Unfortunately sometimes after youve tried you just have to leave it be. Tell her you cannot afford to keeping loaning her money and that you will no longer be able to. If she respects her son she will have no issue with this. X

Robyn Gregg
Robyn Gregg 24 Oct 2019

I would speak to your H2B about cutting her out of the wedding, she sounds like a horrible person who will try and ruin your day so why bother having her there? She may be his mum but there’s only so much you can tolerate

Natasha Finn
Natasha Finn 24 Oct 2019

Trust me when you get engaged or married you see true colours of a lot of people! X

Rachael Watkinson
Rachael Watkinson 24 Oct 2019

You don't need people like that in your life. If you give in to her now she will get worse and you'll be dealing with her for the rest of your married life. Talk to your H2b and tell him what she is doing and how she is making you feel. It may be an idea to threaten her with not being invited and she might shut up on the event she doesn't follow through and don't invite her to the wedding.

Chelsea-Anne Horrocks
Chelsea-Anne Horrocks 24 Oct 2019

Firstly you need to tell hubby to be how her behavior is affecting you, your a team so don't leave him out of the loop. Secondly everytime she asks to borrow money just say/send back I'm really sorry we dont have any spare cash as it's all allocated to paying the wedding off. Everytime she tries to be rude towards either of you shut it down and make sure she knows that you won't put up with it. Nip it in the bud now before she gets worse. X

Jo Gibson
Jo Gibson 24 Oct 2019

Talk to your husband to be if you can’t talk to him then don’t get married! You should be able to talk about anything and everything.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

He’s your future husband if you can’t talk to him about the big things what can you talk to him about? If he’s sensitive about criticism towards his family just try and sandwich it with some compliments, “i know she wants the best for you but......” talking with him is the only way, and him speaking to her might be the only way for her to back off

helen bavister
helen bavister 24 Oct 2019

You have to talk to your man. Maybe he’s feeling the same but doesn’t know what to do about it. Then you can talk to her together and find out what her problem is. If she can’t be happy she doesn’t come!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

I think..as a mother of only boys myself..I can recognise that it’s kind of hard for the mother of the groom..so much is geared up towards the bride and her family and Its naturally a time for brides and their mothers to bond. I’m not defending her behaviour at all..obviously it’s unacceptable and I think you will have to talk to your h2b about it. My MIL is a pain too..not to that extent..she has even given us some money towards it which is lovely but it’s steeped in the fact that she wants to have what she wants..it’s hard..iv had to let her down on a few occasions because I want what I want.. ultimately she will have to realise it’s not her wedding.. You need to talk to him..

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

The woman sounds like she's got issues. She also sounds like she needs to get her shit together. She's a grown adult, with a grown child of her own, trying to scrounge money, and with this reactions, it's childish. She sounds like one of those "the world, and everyone in it owes me, and will come to my aid" sort of people
(Sorry for the rant, I hate those people!)
It honestly sounds like the woman is too immature for any real action to be successful.
Just switch the roles, and react, and interact with her, like she's a 12 year old child, it might not totally resolve the issue (I don't think it can be resolved) but it will make it as easy as possible
Sorry to be negative, but good luck, enjoy your day, and the planning, and ignore her

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

It can be hard at times. Hold your had up high and just try to let it go, I am not saying she is in the right just maybe view as she's scared to loose her little boy. Hope you can move forward and be back to normal xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Your fiance has also probably realised this. I would talk to him but approach it gently. If she really is being a cow about it she might not stay long at the wedding which is a win win for you. It happened to my friends over the summer x

Jude Stoker
Jude Stoker 24 Oct 2019

I agree with all the other ladies here. Talk to you H2B. It sounds like she is jealous. Asking to lend money is a control thing especially when she knows its tight for you. It will be tough and there will undoubtedly be tears and disagreements but you need to sort it now otherwise you'll forever be in a power struggle with her...she needs to know she can't undermine you and you are both equally important in her sons life. Good luck honey xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

I think to be honest you should speak to your partner about it, he may be feeling the same. I'm so lucky with my future mother in law as she's amazing and super supportive! But I'd have to say something to them both if I was in your position. You have every right to ask questions and if she can't respect your situation then tell her jog on. She can't expect your help and then be nasty it's just ungrateful and you don't need that kind of negativity around your wedding

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

He's going to be your husband and honesty is the only way to go when entering a marriage. You need to talk to him. As many have said, he's probably thinking and feeling very similar... but he'll also be torn between the two people he loves the most and that will be hard for him. I'm very lucky... my mother-in-law is amazing... but I can sympathise with you a little as my ex mother-in-law from my previous marriage was a real pain. She didn't try to come between us, but she wasn't at all interested and didn't really care. Seriously though... you need to be honest otherwise it will only fester and get worse. You may end up snapping and saying something you regret so talk it through sooner rather than later before it gets too much.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

She is probably realising that her little boy is all grown up and no longer hers and she doesn't like it. Get him to talk to her and ask what has changed, she maybe doesn't even know she is upsetting you both.

Emma Jane
Emma Jane 24 Oct 2019

Maybe she is struggling to adjust to everything, you say you've only recently got engaged and already set the date etc she will come round eventually but you have to allow her time to get used to it

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Jealous and worried she’s ‘losing’ her son... try and do one 2 one things with her regarding the wedding, ask her opinions on things (even if you don’t take her advice) and things will get easier.. I know you should not have to bow to her.. but she’s your mother in law and maybe she’s feeling worried.. I don’t think she would ever mean to be mean... if however, that doesn’t work. Tell her to piss off.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

You need to talk to you fiancé.
You have to be on the same page with this, my mil split me and my hubby up before we got married, she caused so many arguments and tried to rule our life. When he wanted to come back I basically said I will never be in the same room as her again, I meant it, told him to go away and think hard, I’d have never have put him in that situation before but believe me I had good reason. We got back together and didn’t speak to her, she wasn’t invited to our wedding, me and the hubby have now split up again and waiting for divorce to go through, he still isn’t on fantastic speaking terms with her, even though we’ve split.
Speak about it now before it’s to late and she causes real problems. As for lending money.... just say no.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

1) Speak to h2b and make sure you're on the same page
2)Talk with the MIL to find out what is going on in her mind with your h2b
3) If that doesn't work give her an ultimatum of either putting her personal feelings aside for the wedding or not attend. If she truly cared and loves her son she will not interfere and cause a scene or added stress. Xxx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 24 Oct 2019

Tell her to chuff off!

Stacey Winwood
Stacey Winwood 25 Oct 2019

I would talk to her. Ask her what you have done to her for the way shes upsetting you. Maybe she feels pushed out so shes giving reasons to be pushed out. If u talk to her she may be open with you and tell you what's on her mind and if shes still don't want to know then get your h2b involved to tell her to behave herself or she would miss the most important day. Good luck hope its gets easier with her

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