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UKbride Member Request 26 Mar 2019

Maid of honour issues

Hi, this is a long one! So I asked my best friend to be my maid of honour which she said yes to. She has since got engaged and had a baby, and has had to get married quickly in order to get navy quarters. She said there would be no bridesmaids etc as very small wedding. I arrived on Saturday to see she had actually picked a moh and flower girl. I've known my friend for a decade and been there for her through everything and I'm devastated to have been overlooked. My wedding is now next year and I either want to make her a bridesmaid or just a guest. How do I say this? She's also just about to move to Cornwall (I'm in Kent) so unlikely to ever see her again. I guess I need her more than she needs me :(

55 Comments
Jody Pescud
Jody Pescud 27 Mar 2019

Instead of telling her u don't want her out of spite maybe ask her why she didn't choose you there might actually be reason . If my best friend chose someone else to be her moh I'd be gutted but she's still my best friend and I'd still want her by my side x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Who was her maid of honour? As if it was her sister or family member then I don't think there's any reason for you to be upset... As for the flower girl, that's just a child, so again, I wouldn't be annoyed by that... However, if it's another friend, I get why you feel this way. If you don't want her as bridesmaid because she chose another friend over you, that's your choice, but to make her step down over a child or family member being chosen, I think that's quite bad. X

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Also, why are you never going to see her again?! I'm in Glasgow and my 2 oldest friends have moved to London - we still see each other!!

Beckie McDermott
Beckie McDermott 27 Mar 2019

Annie Elizabeth if u did this is would be the old seaweed around the neck trick

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Oh hun that’s devastating, listen sir her down
Have a long phone call or face to face and
Legit say what
You’ve just said that your not only disheartened but disappointed especially if your besties like my best friend is a boy but he’s gonna be my bridesman haha ️ listen chick do it your way get someone else as you see fit xx

Fiona Claire
Fiona Claire 27 Mar 2019

This is silly, I live in Kent but originally from up north, most of my bridal party are up north too. I don’t get to see them half as much as I would like. You asked your friend for a reason, just because her circumstances have changed doesn’t mean you need to sack her. I’m sure once she moves - I’m presuming to keep her family together you will still stay in touch if you were true friends, so don’t need to change anything.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

So because she's not asked you to be her MOH, you're now considering un-asking her to be yours?? Here's my advice: get a grip.

Maria  Bywater
Maria Bywater 27 Mar 2019

why wont you see her again? my MOH lives in glasgow and has done for 13 years now, no issues there, I have a bridesmaid who lives in devon, it really isnt that far away. its not about tit for tat, if you want your friend there for you I am sure she will be but you cant expect to make her decisions for her and say well if she doesnt have me I wont have her, thats playground talk. either be happy for your friend and happy planning your day or allow some form of bitterness to take over and ruin it all. hpow do you know she didnt have family push all that on her? just talk to her about how it upset you, if you are good friends then you can talk it out.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I can understand your hurt by this but also don't think you should be rash about it either. Is it a sister or family member she has asked? Maybe she thought you would have enough on your plate with organising your own wedding? I think if it's upset you so much you should give her a ring and talk it out with her she is your best friend after all I'm sure she hasn't intended to make you feel this way. Best of luck. X

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Deffo a guest!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

My best friend of 30 years didn't even invite me to her actual wedding, just the evening so don't think it's that bad

Katie Farrell
Katie Farrell 27 Mar 2019

Although other members are saying its irrelevant etc, i can understand that this is really hurtful to have been overlooked and personally i would be hurt, although i wouldn't say it would be a good idea to fall out over it. If you have changed your mind and having her as your moh is making you uncomfortable, then of course it's your wedding and you should be able to express that you're feelings have changed. you could say to her that due to her lifestyle becoming very busy that you thought it would be better for everyone if she doesn't need to worry about having a particular role and that you have other people in mind? that way it's not saying you dont want her as your moh, its making it a bit nicer to say?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I would just invite her its not worth falling out over. Hope this helps xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I think you need to think long and hard about this and not be brash. I had to do this to a bridesmaid women I overheard making some HORRIFIC statements about my husband and his groomsmen. It really upset everyone and was the hardest situation i had to face. I regret it in some ways but understand I had to do it. I have two best friends which I had one as technically moh but both took on the role! The one who I didn't ask to be moh has just made me her moh at hers. It's not a tit for tat situation and should be discussed. If your truly best friends that discussion can be had.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

My maid of honor was touring Asia for all of my wedding planning...

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I honestly understand how that must feel but to be fair other people have different wages coming in my friends asked me to be MOH and beidesmade but for my wedding it's going to have to be low key so my 2 boys and my niece and nephew as if I ask my sister then I need to ask my partners then my friend and it's all expense! As long as u are going to her wedding to celebrate it it doesn't matter who is bridesmaids or maid of honour and I just think if you've already asked her you cant un ask her that isn't right at all! X

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

My besy friend and MOH lives, and did at the time, in Australia and i'm in Sussex. So can't see why kent to Cornwall means you wont see her again.
But as for the wedding - i understand you are hurt, but have you spoken to her about it? If not i really think you should before doing anything rash. Xx

Charlotte Ward
Charlotte Ward 27 Mar 2019

Weddings are very political and it was done in a rush.. maybe she felt obliged to ask the other person?

Dani Smith
Dani Smith 27 Mar 2019

Maybe she has a reason for picking someone else, family member etc. I wouldn't stop her from being your MoH, I think that's a bit insulting and could cause a bit of stress and trouble. You both have seperate lives and can't live life fitting into someone else's.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Who was her moh, was it a relative of either of the bride and groom. Doesn't mean you can't ask her to be yours. Maybe that person had known her longer than you and is closer to her than you. Why won't you see her again, Cornwall not that far from Kent, it's not like she's moving to the moon.

Candice Reilly
Candice Reilly 27 Mar 2019

Wow. How do you know this other friend isn’t her best friend also? I was asked to be maid of honour for my childhood best friends wedding a couple of years ago. I was and I planned her hen do from Halifax. She lives in morecambe and I had never been to morecambe before nor had I met any of the bridal party but I still managed to do it.

I’m engaged and I’ve asked her to be a bridesmaid not my maid of honour because my best friend who I have here is. My friend is not hurt or put out by this at all. Same as in her children’s godparent and she isn’t mine. There’s no animosity at all we are still super close and so are our children.

If you behave like that and I was her then I wouldn’t want to come to your wedding at all. Just because she has other friends it’s incredibly petty to demote her position in your wedding if she is your best friend, you can’t be bitter because you aren’t hers.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Why do u say u will never see her again as if she's moving to be deliberately away from you... it's up to u both wether u keep in contact or not. I've people in Australia who I still make an effort to see.as for Guest/MOH/BM it your wedding so ur choice who u have..

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

The fact she's in Cornwall and your in Kent should not impact your friendship. I'm in Kent and have a besties in Cornwall and Inverness! There's no need to be petty over who didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid... I wasn't one for one of my best friends weddings, because they were keeping it small and she asked her 2 oldest friends and a family member. Had absolutely no impact on my asking her to be my bridesmaid! I'm not doing the whole MoH thing as i couldn't pick between my friends x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Ok. Wow. First of all. If you are best mates you will make time to see her even if she moves away. Most of my best friends live 180 miles away.
Second, just because you weren’t her MOH doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be yours. Try talking to her about it and explain how you feel. Maybe she was pressured into having someone!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Sometimes the people we are closest to have other people in their lives who are closer to them. It’s just the way of the world. It may hurt but it’s not a reflection on you.

Friendship doesn’t end just because someone moves away. Cornwall is beautiful so why not make the effort to visit? Won’t she come back towards Kent to visit family and friends?

If you love your bestie as much as you seem to I’d still have her involved as you planned. It may also help keep you close having something to look forward to together when she first moves away x

Lucy Smith
Lucy Smith 27 Mar 2019

I asked my cousin to be my MOH but she didn’t ask me to be hers, because she has 3 sisters and they were enough for her! I was a bit disappointed but I understood that it was difficult for her. You can’t be jealous or think like that. I’m sorry but I think this is a bit silly. Also my best friend lives 150 miles from me, I see him maybe 5 times a year, doesn’t mean our friendship is any less than it was! 🙄

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I know some people say talk it out and ask her why she didn’t ask you- but I think why would you make her feel bad about her choice- her wedding her choices and as others have said maybe it was pushed on to her by family members- either way it’s not about tit for tat- you choose her for yours and that’s great- you obviously felt she was the best woman for the job- unless that’s changed stay with your original plan to have her- but it’s your day so so what’s feels right to for you x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

There are 474 miles between my best friend and I... She fell pregnant during the planning and was in fact due 4 days before the wedding. My only worry was that she a) wouldn't fit in the dress, and b) she wouldn't be there. I wanted my friend there in whatever role she could manage whether it was matron of honour or 'just' a guest. I know you want your wedding to be perfect but think you need to have a proper look at the relationship you have. In my case it worked out fine and squiggle arrived 10 days early, she also fitted in the made to measure dress...

Carrie Louise
Carrie Louise 27 Mar 2019

One of my bridesmaids lives in America. Distance isn't a thing if you don't let it become one.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

My sister was my bridesmaid but I was not at hers. I loved her wedding but was glad to be a guest, also she lives 60/70 miles from me, this doesn't impact our relationship. So I say don't be so silly enjoy your day with her by your side and when you arrange to meet up it will be extra special

Hayley Marden
Hayley Marden 27 Mar 2019

Speak to her first and explain you was hurt why you was not asked to be MOH and ask why. You never know she could have a good reason

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Don’t let her choices affect yours.. if you value her as a friend and you want her to be your moh then do. Don’t let the fact she didn’t ask you change that.. there might have been loads of reasons why she didn’t ask you.. family pressure etc.. I think you risk losing her as a friend for good if you ‘un ask’ her.. I’d rather not be asked at all than be demoted

Laura Inkpen
Laura Inkpen 27 Mar 2019

My best friend from high school lives in Kent I moved to Gloucester then Wiltshire and we still are best friends, don't see each other hardly ever but when we do it's lovely and we speak often still so you can keep your friendship no matter how far you live apart, also the whole MOH thing have you told her how it's made you feel? Asked her reasoning behind it? You picked her as you MOH for a reason so maybe just sit back and remember that reason but if still annoys you then just say why you don't want her

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

U don’t need to live near her to be your best mate my best mate lives in Spain we talk regularly but not daily and I still say she is my best nste

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

My best friend moved to israel 2 years ago and we are still best friends.

I would keep her as an MOH or bridesmaid

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

'Hi,I don't want you to be my MOH anymore cause you didn't have me and I'm a petty little cow' I hope she doesn't speak to you again. Are you even old enough to be married? Total silliness.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

My best friend lives in the South of France and I still had her as my bridesmaid. Yes it is harder on our friendship as we dont see eachother as often but thats how we know we are best friends as we dont always talk but are 100% there for eachother when we need to be. I dont know how she managed to do it so well but she organised my hen do (in England) from France and got everything sorted to make it a perfect weekend. She didnt have either myself or our other best friend as her bridesmaids, we didnt go to the ceremony either as it was family only, BUT, that didnt stop me being excited for her or even crossing my mind that I wouldnt have her by my side on my special day.
Maybe you should let her know how this had made you feel?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Nicola Spalding

Rebecca Cox
Rebecca Cox 27 Mar 2019

I understand why your upset because you asked her to be your maid of honor so her not asking you makes you feel like you aren't as close as you thought and undervalued I think she should of talked to you first but maybe she didn't do it intentionally you no her as a person maybe she just wanted something small and didn't no it was gonna hurt you who was her maid of honour someone she's close to ? when I got married last year I originally had asked one of my best friends to be my maid of honour and my sister a bridesmaid but me and my sister got closer so I asked my best friend if she minded my sister being a maid of honour as well and then asked my sister now I kinda wish I hadn't because me and my best friend grew apart as her and my sister didn't get on and she got in a relationship with this guy who she spent most her time with so I saw her less and she didn't really have time to help me with the wedding but I think me doing what I did upset her and made her feel less valued at the end of the day which strained our friendship but I had to do what was right for me and I didn't feel sad when it came to my wedding day and she wasn't there I was surrounded by those I loved so you need to think how you'd feel if she wasn't there it's your wedding if you want her as your maid of honour then you still should do that but if your gonna just have her as a guest now you need to talk to her about it she deserves that it doesn't matter how far she's moving distance doesn't change the friendship you both have and the love you have for each other but I really do think you need to be honest with her about your feelings and go from there hun x

Chelsea-Anne Horrocks
Chelsea-Anne Horrocks 27 Mar 2019

I would still have her as moh like originally planned but maybe after you've had your wedding just mention to her how you are feeling. I wouldnt mention it now, for now try not to over think it there may have been a reason behind it that your unaware of. So continue to enjoy planning your wedding and deal with this afterwards, its really not worth ruining your friendship for. You can always casually ask if she's still going to be your moh like originally agreed and take it from there x

Sarah Saunders
Sarah Saunders 27 Mar 2019

I wasnt originally moh for my friends wedding we known each other for decades but i wasn't angry about it, her moh then jumped ship and had nothing to do with it so i filled that place and did the moh duties, she then said how she wished she asked me first and i wasnt upset by her decisions for nit being a moh orginally , she and my other friend are my bridesmaids not mohs because i value them both, do the right thing and ask her if she doesnt seem bothered u walk awsy knowing u were a friend by asking

Laura Hoyles
Laura Hoyles 27 Mar 2019

My maid of honor is my best friend/cousin, but when she gets married I'm fully aware that she won't have me as her maid of honor cause she's got 2 sisters who she's very very close to. I'm not upset or thinking of demoting her, she's still my best friend and is the person I want standing up there with me. If the only reason that you want to bin her off is cause she hasn't returned the favor is silly in my opinion! I think you need to have a think on whether you value your friendship enough to let this go and move on, and if she takes it badly, to be completely honest, I wouldn't blame her!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I'm sorry but that's pretty pathetic on a few levels. First of all my MOH lives in Kent, I have lived far away from her for 10 years, distance doesn't mean a thing for true friends. Secondly, just because you aren't her MOH you are rethinking? Doesn't make sense, if you are a true friend you wouldn't have this issue. This is school stuff that 14 year olds would argue about.

Helen Cross
Helen Cross 27 Mar 2019

Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. However it might be your last chance to show your friend just how much u care about her, if she is moving away. Is it worth losing a friendship over by uninviting her to be MOH? As much as it smarts, been in the same sort of predicament myself tbh, life is too short to hold grudges. U simply don’t know what someone else is thinking/feeling, so it might really hurt her if u change your mind, and she might never have intended to hurt you. It’s just worth having a think before making any rash decisions I reckon x

Tracy Bailey
Tracy Bailey 27 Mar 2019

One of my best friends from school (over 20yrs of knowing each other) didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid but I did ask her. She can't make our wedding as her fiance is best man at another wedding the same day. Her not having asked me hasn't made me not wanna be friends or speak to her. In fact, she's been a massive help in planning my day & giving me advice (and vice versa as her wedding is 3 months after mine) I don't know why she didn't ask me, might be because we weren't as close then as we are now. Planning our weddings together has brought us closer though and I'm happy to have her to talk to when our men are fed up with all the girly things 😄 If u want her as your moh go ahead, you may regret "demoting" (for lack of a better word lol) her. You'll still see each other, I have family & friends down the south west and I live in Cambridgeshire 😊 it's a long journey but well worth it. I can't wait to catch up with everyone when they come up for my wedding...

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Firstly was her MoH family? Also if she can move just that distance for you never to see her again how is your friendship special enough to make her MoH? My best friend and I are also a fair distance apart but we still see each other and she is still my MoH. Also I was only a guest at her wedding when she had a lot of bridesmaids but I didn’t mind because I knew I was her best friend. I think people need to grow up a little if it’s the case of ‘I wasn’t yours so you can’t be mine’ maybe re-evaluate...

Vicki Yardley
Vicki Yardley 27 Mar 2019

The comments from some girls on here are disgusting. It’s completely natural to feel let down when something isn’t repaid. I’d just be straight with her about how you feel... you don’t have to make any rushed decisions about you wanting to scrap her as your MOH... but you do need to let her know that you feel upset by it all... for your friendships sake.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

I wasnt moh for my moh and I didnt get all pissy and childish about it. She to has moved a long way away from me but because we are such close friends, we make the effort to see each other every month. She's moving to Cornwall, not bloody Australia. Grow up for goodness sake.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 27 Mar 2019

Maybe you're not her best friend. Maybe there was someone better suited to the role. If you're going to demote her then be prepared to lose a friend because you're being petty af

Clarissa Betson
Clarissa Betson 28 Mar 2019

Talk to her about how it made you feel. She will understand... If she means a lot to you, she is the perfect person to be your Maid of Honour. I didn't have either of my best friends as my MOH, because they have busy lives and have enough on their plate as it is. This could be a similar situation.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 28 Mar 2019

How petty. I was my friends MOH but she wasn't mine and we didn't fall out over it!! Grow up!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 28 Mar 2019

Amy Tess Rowland

Cat Cubitt
Cat Cubitt 28 Mar 2019

You’d think this was a safe place to air your truths and get some advice without being judged but noooooooo
Everyone thinks selfish things sometimes! And it’s OKAYYY!
Who did she pick? This is the biggest question really. But you can’t un-ask her. I’d be asking is she even going to come to the wedding if you aren’t ever going to see her again?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Mar 2019

get a grip you sound like a pathetic litle jelouse child. you should keep her as ur moh because you chose her and thought it was right she chose who she thought was right for her just becauseu have known each other for years dosnt mean you both have to pick the same things i hope to god she realises what a selfish cow u are and dosnt even turn up to ur wedding

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Mar 2019

if it was a proper friendship she wouldnt be bothered about it and the subject shouldnt have to be brought up a proper friend would understand

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