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UKbride Member Request 18 Mar 2019

I'm interested in getting others opinions on a situation as I'm not really...

I'm interested in getting others opinions on a situation as I'm not really sure whether I'm overreacting or not. My wedding date was set early last year for June this year. One of my closest friends was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid and she happily accepted. We spent a lot of time talking about wedding plans and comparing ideas, etc. She seemed very excited and happy about it all and we discussed plans for her visit as she lives in another country. Then just before Christmas last year she messaged me out of the blue to tell me that her and her boyfriend had just bought a house together. Naturally I was thrilled for them and congratulated her on the wonderful news, but then a few days after when I asked her something about the wedding and wanted to finalise some details, she suddenly said that she wouldn't be coming anymore due to the cost of buying the house. I do understand that it's a huge financial commitment to buy a home, but I can't help but feel upset by the way she just sprung the news that now she wouldn't be coming as there had been no prior discussions about the house. I'm now left having to find someone else to fill her spot as a bridesmaid and sad that one of the people I considered to be closest to me won't be there to share in this special day. Am I wrong to be upset over this?

32 Comments
Hayley Marden
Hayley Marden 19 Mar 2019

As shes your friend regardless she could of spoken to you about money problems and came to an agreement. She should not just spring it on you that she wont be a bridesmaid anymore as that is not fair nor a true friend.

Remember it's your day and you can have as many or little bridesmaids as you want. If your partner has a sister maybe make her a bridesmaid nice gesture and she will be supportive as she will be family after all

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

Whilst it can be upsetting, the purchase of a house is often kept secretive sometimes when dates are not known. She may have intended to attend and then incurred more costs with the house. You have the right to be upset she isn't attending.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

If shes a close friend, could you loan her the money to get her there? I know money will be tight with you paying for the wedding, but if shes important enough for you to have asked her first, it might be worth offering.

Amy Vigor-Green
Amy Vigor-Green 19 Mar 2019

You definitely have a right to be upset however, it's out of your hands now so I'd just tell her how upset you are and leave it at that. You don't have to fill her spot if you don't need too x

Eanna Roberts
Eanna Roberts 19 Mar 2019

I understand why you're upset over this. It would upset and annoy me, too. It was a little rubbish of her to not talk to you about it, instead of springing it on you like that. But, at the same time, I can understand wanting to put buying a house over someone else's wedding. Also, do you know why? Was there something unexpected that came up? We're not sure of the entire situation here. Honestly, just talk to her about it. Tell her that's you're really upset about it. That's what friends do.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

I understand you are upset but people can’t put the rest of their lives on hold for the sake of one day. I know she’s a friend and you wanted her there and it is a pity she can’t make it, and you are allowed to be upset as it seems out the blue and she is a close friend. But I would say don’t fall out with her over this. T would be a shame to lose a great friendship.

Kerry Bowers
Kerry Bowers 19 Mar 2019

She probably didn't realise and maybe her partner has said look we can't afford to do this now because of the house ect... she probably is just as upset as you about it all but sadly sometimes we have to be realistic and we have to make hard decisions like these,give your mate a ring and talk to her but don't lose your friendship over it x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

I think it sounds like there's more going on that has been said tbh. Buying a house is a huge financial commitment, and absolutely not something she needed to speak to you about prior to finalising, though I do find it strange she wasn't talking to you about house hunting etc. And the ways she's told you she can't be apart of the day anymore seems off as well, instead of coming to you and saying the cost of buying the house has changed things and she can't afford to be a bridesmaid anymore. Has she said she won't be coming at all anymore? Is this because you're having an expensive destination wedding? There's lots of details left out here. And telling you in December that she couldn't afford to be a part of the day isn't really last minute, 6 months is still a reasonable length of time to avoid unecessary expense on your part, or to replace her if you so wished (again, unless you're going somewhere abroad and expensive!)

I don't think we can comment fairly on whether you can be upset without all the details, though I think either way it's natural to be upset to find out one of your closest friends can't be there.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

I think I would be upset too, I get house buying is very expensive and attending weddings aren't cheap either, but it's still a let down for you. I wouldn't go falling out with her over it as it could just make you look unreasonable. But I would be honest with her that you're gutted she won't be up there with you, and just ask her politely to consider if there's anyway she could spare some funds for the wedding. If not then unfortunately that's the card you've been dealt, you don't need to replace her as bridesmaid if you don't want to

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

Buying a house is a big financial responsibility, maybe she didnt realise how much it would of cost her to do everything that is needed to the house before letting you know, I know its upsetting for you, but just imagine how upsetting it is for your friend, not everyoneone likes to admit they are having financial problems or worries, she maybe didnt want to be a burden to you with money.

Racheal Sayonas
Racheal Sayonas 19 Mar 2019

No I was also let down 4 times and that's just by bridesmaids never mind the other people who let me down and broke my heart throughout the planning , I would carry on planning and who cares enough will be with you every step of the way, I found my girls and now I call them my sisters I would not have gotten through the day without all of my girls including my step in mum throughout the planning (after my own mother decided she didn't want to be a part in my life at all anymore) if I had to do it again I wouldnt change a thing those girls are my family forever do what your heart tells you to do its your day and don't feel guilty the people who let you down won't be feeling guilty xx

Dani Smith
Dani Smith 19 Mar 2019

I can understand why you are upset, but you cant expect people to put their life on hold for your wedding. As people have said, we don't know the full story. Maybe their perfect house was suddenly available and they wanted to get it before it was sold to someone else? Also maybe she was trying to figure out a way to tell you. I know I would struggle telling someone news like that. Be thankful she didn't tell you a week before! I hope you can sort something out.

Natalie Stavrou
Natalie Stavrou 19 Mar 2019

I can absolutely understand why you'd be upset over this. If I was in your position I would be too.

However as you said, buying a house is a huge financial commitment. I personally do find it strange that she didnt mention the house hunting prior, however the actual discussion on closing a deal on a place, I feel that she didnt have to speak to you about that.

It sounds like there is more to it than that. Prehaps the money she saved for your wedding has to be used on stamp duty/solicitor fees/moving/new household items etc and she knows she cant afford it back?

Lucy Fulton
Lucy Fulton 19 Mar 2019

I would be upset. Im buying a house this year and getting married next year! As a bridesmaid your friend wouldnt have a lot to pay out as i assume that you would buy her dress and other accessories. Personaly i think there must be more to this than she is saying.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

I would be upset. What does she need to pay out for? Can u help her out with dress, make up etc and tell her u'd rather her there

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

Not a lot you can do about it, unless you want to pay her way..I get your unhappy but she is the one missing out.. your day will be great just without her..

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

One of my closest friends told me the day before my husband and I got married that she wouldn't be a bridesmaid, nor even attending. This left us out of pocket for her dress, hair, makeup, food and thank you gift. I was very upset by this but soon forgot about it on the day and it was her who missed out. I wouldn't let it get you down and enjoy the lead up to your wedding and focus on that. My "friend" no longer speaks to myself nor my family through her own choice.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

She may be upset about it too, but it maybe there is too much to be done to the house.. It happend when I bought my first house. Viewed it looked amazing until i started decorating. Had to refurbish three rooms . She could have been a little more gentle to you, just not spring it in you. Don't loose a friend though x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

yes you are, be happy for your friend and if you really want her to come over you should pay for it. I am fed up with people expecting people to spend a fortune travailing to a wedding it is so unfare. sorry if i am not on your side. Hope you have a lovely day and its not worth falling out over

Becky Mitchinson
Becky Mitchinson 19 Mar 2019

You have a right to be a little upset if she just sprung the news on you especially how involved she's been but you cant let it get to you if she wanted to be there for you she would she might still help plan it or be a support when you need to scream and cry xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

If you want her there that bad can’t you pay for her to get over to you?
I paid for everything for my bridesmaids... accommodation etc too, so they weren’t out of pocket at all x

Rachel Doxey
Rachel Doxey 19 Mar 2019

You are allowed to be upset, however maybe have a proper chat and see if there’s anything you can do to help so she can come 🙂 weddings should be fun .

Emily Mash
Emily Mash 19 Mar 2019

That is upsetting for you. Have a fab day. Don’t let it get you down. Explain you’re let down but you understand her costs. Surely she could come even with moving house. If she doesn’t then that’s a shame for you but you’ll have a great time regardless

Steph Tischhauser
Steph Tischhauser 19 Mar 2019

I think it depends how much you’ve indicated she’s got to spend on your wedding in all honesty. I’ve heard stories of it costing bridesmaids thousands, especially if she’s in another country as she will have to pay for flights. Could you find a way of reducing the cost for her? I’ve just bought a house too and would be pretty annoyed if I had to then find hundreds of pounds to attend a wedding within a few months x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 19 Mar 2019

It’s sad that your friend can’t afford to come now but it’s good she’s being honest with you about it. She was maybe hoping it wouldn’t come to that. And at least it still gave you six months to ask someone else to be your bridesmaid if you wanted to. Ask yourself: would you want your friend to turn down buying her house so she could attend your wedding? I totally understand why you’re upset your friend can’t come as it might not feel the same without her. However, you have to respect her position. Perhaps she can still help you plan things? And find another way of including her in your day from afar?

Tash Wilson
Tash Wilson 19 Mar 2019

I can't believe everything I'm reading! No offence, but if one of my friends treated me like that, they wouldn't be in my life, let alone the wedding party 🤷‍♀️

Carolina Fletcher
Carolina Fletcher 20 Mar 2019

I wouldnt miss my best friends wedding for the world. She knew your wedding was booked when she was buying the house so surely should have budgeted that in. I get it's a massive financial commitment buying a house but I wouldn't let my best friend down and she had plenty of time to save for your wedding or at least go the right way about telling you. if I'm honest I think she was disrespectful the way she told you. I would be heartbroken.

Laura Stewart
Laura Stewart 21 Mar 2019

I had the same thing

Only difference is that my best friend is male

He wasn’t able to come as he bought s new house and by the wedding date it was close to move date so he couldn’t come

I was totally gutted and I really did miss him on the day. In the end though, the day was perfect and I just got to re live it when I saw him a few weeks later and told him all about it x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 22 Mar 2019

i would b upset, so no i don’t think u r overreacting... she could have spoken to u about prior rather then springing it on u also only telling u when u have asked her to confirm some details x hope all goes well x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 22 Mar 2019

Turn the story the other way around - if buying a house secured your future happiness with the man you loved, over the cost your friends 1 special day with the man she loves, which is the wisest financial investment long term? My own sister bailed on being a bridesmaid 4 months before i recently got married, so I found another, easy - you make an issue of something if you choose to, or you remain in emotional control and keep moving forwards. Your friends happiness came first, same as all of us - we are all altruistic beings of varying degrees. Love her and move on. If she marries in the future, and your still paying the cost of the wedding - will you go? I would hope that you would. Look to your own conduct and remain happy for her, no matter her decision making. These are the decisions people have to take when they live abroad, I am sure she will feel the loss of not being there xx Have an amazing day

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 23 Mar 2019

Nah... I'm not having that. I'm all for people not putting their life on hold but unless there's a bereavement/job loss/illness I can't see how she can justify doing this to you. When you make a commitment you make a commitment through thick and thin. You prepare for stuff like this! No one buys a house on a whim. Sounds like the girl just doesn't want to be part of your wedding and she s blaming this mysterious house that she kept a secret. I have 4 weddings in 2020 2 are within a week of each other of which the first is in England. The 3rd is 3 months later and the 4th is 3 months later again in Florida. I've about 4 hen parties to go to and I have been saving and preparing for them because I chose last year to commit to all 4 of them! I'm not crazy rich. But I prioritise my savings to go to these weddings because I made a promise to these men and women to be with them when they get married.

Siobhan McInnes
Siobhan McInnes 30 Mar 2019

Similar thing happened to me and it upset me a lot and unfortunately our friendship has completed changed now.If I’m honest no matter what if someone is that close to you then they should make the effort to be there and be part of your special day it’s not just about her I understand financially it’s hard but I bet she spends that money on other stuff this year...

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