Member Request | Wedding Question & Answers | UKbride

UK
UKbride Member Request 10 Jan 2019

family who dont get on

Hello My Mum and sister hate my dad. My sister l don't know why but Parents did not get on for a while and eventually divorced a few years ago. Should say sister has always been a mummys girl and still is in her mid 30s still lives at home and has mum running around after her. l have spoken to mum and sister and they have refused to put there problems with dad to one side for my wedding. While l don't expect them to be buddy's l do expect them to be civil and smile for family photos. I have agreed they don't have to sit near each other at ceremoy nor do they have to stand next to each other in pictures. They will be on different tables and at opposite end of the reception l have agreed to even book them in different hotels and different transport to venue reception and back to hotel but that is not good enough. Dad has said he is more than happy to do this for us and has even said he will pay us back. I don't want problems at my wedding nor do l not want to seem like l am accepting my mum and sisters behaviour by inviting them and not dad but l dont want to seen as playing favourites and inviting dad and not them. My Fiance has said if they cant act like adults then they should not come to which they have accused him of trying to control me. I am thinking to make it stress free not inviting mum dad or sister but then its not fair on dad.

76 Comments
Jayde Duckworth
Jayde Duckworth 10 Jan 2019

I agree with your fiance 100%. It is supposed to be one of the biggest/best days of your life, if your mum & sister are not willing to respect your wishes then I'd have them nowhere near your wedding x

Andrea Allison
Andrea Allison 11 Jan 2019

It's your wedding. If your mum and sister can't behave for your day I'd tell them not to come. My mum and dad split but were civil on the day. There was no way I'd not have my dad give me away. I would have regretted this as he has now passed away. I'm getting re-married soon and not having my dad give me away is heartbreaking.
Your h2b is right.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I had a similar issue with my wedding. A relative threatened not to come if someone else was invited. I said "what a shame, we'll miss you." and changed the subject.
I decided nobody was going to manipulate me or my guest list. In the end the "refuser" did attend.
Your dad is doing the right thing, so I'd go along with him.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

If your dad is willing to do it for you, but their not invite your dad and not them. Or if you want to be the bigger person invite them all but be prepared for mum and sister not to come x

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I'd give them an ultimatum and say if they won't be civil, they're not invited

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I’d tell your sister and mum straight. If they don’t act appropriately then they don’t come. It will be them missing out while you have a wonderful time with your dad... simple.

Emma Watts
Emma Watts 11 Jan 2019

Id let your mum and sister know if they can't be reasonable then they can't come. That should hopefully shock them out of their selfish actions! You shouldn't have to worry about separate hotels and transport on your wedding day !

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all but tell them the others are invited and if they aren't prepared to be an adult then you will miss them from your special day.
It's your wedding and if they can't respect your wishes they shouldn't be a part of it.
Best of luck!

Amy Vigor-Green
Amy Vigor-Green 11 Jan 2019

It's not a easy situation to be in. I have been there! I would tell your mum and sister that if they can't suck it up for one day to make you happy then they should stay away as you won't tolerate them ruining your special day. You have done everything and more to accommodate them a d you Dad is being gracious about it so they need to aswell. Good luck x

Sharon Lockyer
Sharon Lockyer 11 Jan 2019

I would tell them what arrangements you have made, and you can't do anymore, then leave the decision to your mum and sister. If you tell them not to come it will come back to bite you in years to come. I think your dad has the right idea. There will be a room full of people for them to mix with so I'm sure they can avoid your dad. Don't let them rule the day it's your day and when/if your sister gets married it's up to her what she does

Catriona Rollason
Catriona Rollason 11 Jan 2019

I would agree with everyone else, invite them all but tell them if they cannot be civil then do not come. Your fiancée is completely right.

Devan Cresswell
Devan Cresswell 11 Jan 2019

Like others have said, I would tell them that if they can’t be civil for your sake then don’t come. Hopefully that will make them realise that you matter the most

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

If your mother an sister can’t act like the adults they ment to b don’t invite them it’s ur big day they should b bending over backwards to make sure ur special day goes off with flying colours xxx ur hubby to b is spot on xx

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Do you know what... just leave it for now, let them all come & on the day when the pics are being done, have the photographer call for mum, sister and dad and see what happens... I very much doubt they will make themselves look like petty dickheads in front of all the guests! They will probably just follow the photographers instructions. It's the least they can bloody do to have one pic after all you have done to accommodate them on your day!

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I agree with your other half.if they cant put their differences aside for one day then they shouldnt have the pleasure of being at your wedding.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Long story short- it's your wedding. They are the ones being controlling by trying to dictate who is on the guest list. You should be able to invite anyone you want, and your family should be thert to support and be happy for you, and they should not bridge you another guest who will make you happy. My vote would be to invite the people that make you happy, and if they don't want to set their own issues aside, that's on them.

My husband's parents had a bad split when he was a teenager- they don't speak at all. To the point during his graduation ceremony it was just me and them, and they still didn't down, and I had to awkwardly make conversation with one at a time.

We invited them both to our wedding, along with the rest of the families where there are also contentious relationships. We told them we are inviting the people we want to, and we expect them to come and be happy for us, and ignore the people they didn't get along with- if we found out any of them were causing trouble, they would be asked to leave.

As far as I am aware, there was no trouble on the day.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Id say dad can definitely come because he’s behaving like a reasonable adult. Mum and sister will have to like it or lump it xx

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Why not invite one to the wedding and one to the reception after? They then both share your special day without being in the same room 🤷‍️

Cheryl Holten
Cheryl Holten 11 Jan 2019

I would say to everyone this is my wedding you will do as you are told. (I know you have done this) say this is what I expect and if you can’t keep to that you need to decide what is more important my wedding or your feud. Let them make the decision if they come or not. Some people will do anything to somehow make it your problem when really it isn’t. They make you feel guilty when it is them who should be feeling guilty for making stress before your wedding. Do you think they spend any time thinking about how this is effecting you? To me it sounds like your mum and sister are making the problems and I’d say ok don’t come then. I have done everything I can to sort this for you but it isn’t good enough so don’t come. Sounds like your dad is trying his best to be reasonable.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Don't say that nobody is coming make the plans that you believe work. separate transport seperate tables and invite all 3 then the choice to attend is not on your head you will have done everything you can to keep the peace and the choice is on there head you will soon see who cares on your day x

Kari jane Moxon
Kari jane Moxon 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all. If your mum and sister refuse to come that's there problem.

Cheryl Jackson
Cheryl Jackson 11 Jan 2019

Ive had similar problems within my family ive told everyone, there all adults and invited if they cant be civil or sit at opposite ends of the room to each other for one day thats there issues but i wont bot invite who i want there. My grandad has decided not to attend and im ok with it just sad that people cant put their differences aside for one day but 🤷🏼‍♀️ not my problem ill enjoy my day regardless x

Kirsty Lea
Kirsty Lea 11 Jan 2019

I agree with your fiancé, if people can’t put aside their differences on your big day then they don’t deserve to be there, it’s about you and not them xxx

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Put it on them. You've already made arrangements,so it's up to them to accept them or not. Tell them flat out that you love them all but you don't want any problems and if they won't or don't want to behave then they're welcome to not attend your wedding. Your future hubby sounds like a good un,he's completely right. All I can see is a bride who is bending over backwards to have everyone who means the most to her and 2 spiteful,petty cows wanting to behave like school yard bitches. When my OHs older sister got married,their younger sister threatened to punch me if I attended. Neither me nor my partner ended up being invited when to my mid,you get rid of the troublemaker/s,not the innocent ones who can be grown up

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Your fiancé is 100% right. If they can’t be civil for YOUR special day why should they have the honour of sharing it with you. Your fiancé isn’t being controlling of you he’s simply saying what he’s feeling, after all it’s his wedding day too.
Seems to me like ur mum and sister are making it about them and stressing you for no good reason when they should as family do whatever u wish for your day. But ask yourself do u want them all to be there and to drink and u feel the need to watch them incase they start? I know I certainly wouldn’t want to feel like that. I hope they can put it aside for your sake. X

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I'd say since its your mum and sister causing the issues your fiance is correct - either they act like adults or don't come. Your dad is being the grown up, so why should he miss out?

Chelsea-Anne Horrocks
Chelsea-Anne Horrocks 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all tell them what your willing to put into place for them (more than most people would do) and if they dont come then leave them to it. My ohs parents dont get on but they are happy to push their issues aside for our wedding. We decided on a sweetheart table and to put them on different tables with people that they both know just to make sure that it's as enjoyable as possible for them.x

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Agree with your fiancé. Tell them to grow up

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Personally I would tell them to grow up, act like adults, the past is the past, this is your future and if any party can't have the common decency to be civil on you special day tell them not to bother turning up or set a warning that they will be asked to leave should they kick off. I've had a similar thing with our families. Stand up to them it your day not theirs. Stay strong xx
I have my ex and his wife, and my h2b ex wife and her husband coming to our wedding... All will be civil

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all and say that if you agree by accepting the invite you are going to be civil, not cause a scene or drama and agreeing not to make my wedding about your problems. If you can't do that then do not come to my wedding as I won't be forced to choose between my mum and dad.

Bethan Roberts
Bethan Roberts 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all & let them decide whether to attend or not

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

If they can’t be civil for your special day they shouldn’t be there! My parents spilt up when I was 10 they have been able to put the past behind them for the sake of me and attend special events over the years but my dad died 6 years ago, I would do anything to have him be at my special day

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I'm with your husband, it's your day, if they can't behave like adults and be civil for one day, they shouldn't come. You should invite whomever you both want to be there, including, if you want both your parents and sister.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Show them the door on the way out ,it’s your day no one else’s
If they chose to act like kids ,place them on the naughty step away from it all ,fair play to dad and your fiancé is 100% bang on...

Katie Pearson
Katie Pearson 11 Jan 2019

Your H2B is right. If they can't accept it's happening then that's their issue. You should not be bending over backwards for people that are acting childish. Leave them to their own feelings and you concentrate on yours and H2B doing what is best for you. Everyone else will fall in line xx

Kathy Deane
Kathy Deane 11 Jan 2019

"Here's what's happening... it's my wedding... you're going to sit there and he is going to sit there and you will both be there, you are my family, you divorced each other for your own reasons, I did not divorce either of you. If you don't want to do that then you can choose not to come... that is your decision. I want you both there... don't ask me to choose. It's about what is important to you... celebrating your daughter/sisters wedding or being right? "

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all and let the ball be in their court, if they don't show up it's their loss, it's not as if you didn't try with them, send the invites and leave the decision to them :)

Catherine Wright
Catherine Wright 11 Jan 2019

I don’t get on with one of my sisters and we haven’t spoken for years. (She’s also fallen out with my other sister, I am close to) My mum is causing arguments about it, as my sister is not invited to the Wedding. She keeps putting herself in the middle and can’t resist making comments. So if she comes to my Wedding then she comes (I want her too, but we’ll see). It’s YOUR WEDDING and YOUR choice. No one else’s x

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

It’s your wedding, tell them to act like adult humans or not go, you deserve one day free of that rubbish

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Agree with hubby.tell them to act like adults not kids..if they can’t tell them not to come to wedding.its their loss.enjoy your day with hubby and dad.xx

Lucy Glew
Lucy Glew 11 Jan 2019

All 3 should get invites and if they can’t be adults or don’t come then that’s their choice and out of your hands. What a horrible situation to be in 😞

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I agree with your fiancé! If they can’t be civil to each other for the biggest day of your life they don’t deserve to be there! I would invite them all but make it clear the others will be there and if they choose not to come then it’s their loss

Christine Gordon
Christine Gordon 11 Jan 2019

I’d just invite them all and if they start any problems ask the offending party to leave. I’m in a kind of similar situation with my h2b’s family, they’re all invited because we love them all and we’re putting trust in them to put us first on our wedding day. If they don’t then they’re the ones missing out, not you. It’s your day and if you want them there, have them there but you might have to get used to the idea an issue might arise, it all depends if you feel like you can handle the situation in a calm manner and brush it off to deal with later or not.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I had a problem very similar myself and it hurt. I invitied them all but those who had the issue never came nor even acknowledged the invite which was infuriating and upsetting. Do what you want as it is your day and your future husbands day, and if they can't be civil adults for the 12 odd hours they could be in the same room together for you then they either won't come or you have every right to ask to hotel to stop them coming into the room if they cause trouble. Your doing the best you can to accommodate and if they don't like then they find a solution themselves that doesn't change anything for you. If they sadly don't see sense then your probably better off without the negatively anyway. And never be suprised that you loose people over things like this, it happens all the time. It's a horrible thing to go through but sometimes you have to be a tough cookie! To be honest the whole day was so busy and others were there that made me not even notice the abcense of those who didn't come in the end, and even in the photos you don't think about it either. It becomes more their loss than yours at the end of it all

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Tell them to think about the fact it is your wedding day and for one day they can act like grownups and accept that you have done as much as you can to make it OK for them. If they can’t accept it then it is their problem, they will miss out. You can always use cardboard cut outs for the photos lol!

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Personally I'd give your mum and sister the choice and leave it with them. Tell them it's their problem And not yours. You're inviting them all and can sort things so they are apart all day but you will be inviting dad as its your day you and your fiance want them all their but it is up to them if they will do this for you or not. And let them tell you if they're coming for you or staying away for them. They have to let you know by the same date as everyone else and you'll know them before the day to put provisions in place either way

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all, let them know that they are all invited and ultimately if they choose not to come then that’s their choice and they are letting you down. What an awful situation to be in. I hope it works out for you and try not to let it spoil your wedding xx

Chloe Mclean
Chloe Mclean 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all then leave it up to them if they come, if they cant come because of stupid reasons instead of support you than its their own fault and dont let them try to guilt you into not inviting your dad as you want him there and you and you h2b are the only ones that matter on the day!

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Have you a family member who could speak to Mum and sister about it? Sounds to me like they need someone to remind them it's a special day for you,they're lucky you want them to be a part of it and to just grow up!

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

If agree with fiance. My opinion is your mum and sister are trying to manipulate and are just throwing their rattles, and all other toys, out of the pram as they think you won't do it. Do it. I'd be amazed if they don't turn up. Also, I'd let them know that bridal party and hotel staff are aware of issues being caused then they will be escorted out, but you are not to be made aware of any issues. Good luck x

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

If screenshot these responses and send them to them. Let them see how impartial people see their behaviour and hopefully they will realise how selfish they are bwing6

Natalie Agnew
Natalie Agnew 11 Jan 2019

If you mum and sister are not willing to be amicable for the sake of the your wedding day dont invite them and definitely invite your dad he is prepared to do whatever it takes to make ur day special while ur mother and sister are only thinking of themselves and your aren't picking sides by inviting your dad you have went over and above to accommodate their pettyness and itz still not enough for them they don't deserve to share your special day if they can't even be amicable for one day xx

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Honey at the end of the day this is yours and Phil's day if they r going to cause trouble tell them they r not invited and tell them to fuck off

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Invite your dad. Your mum and sister are being immature. If they can't be civil on YOUR big day then I wouldn't be inviting them.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Invite them all and whoever turns up gets to be involved in the most special day of your life. If ur mum and sister can't be civil for your special day then they don't deserve to be there!!!! Its all about you and ur h2b and no one should be causing you any unnecessary stress!!!

Gem Finney
Gem Finney 11 Jan 2019

Best thing to do imo is invite them all tell them you've invited everyone and whoever turns up turns up. It's your day don't feel guilty or bullied into feeling guilty for inviting people you want. My mum's family doesn't get on with my dad's side but they are civil for family functions x

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

It's your day. Invite them all, tell them how it will be and it's up to them what they do. If they want to be part of the day they can be. U shouldn't have to choose. They are adults.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

You invite all three, you tell them each that the others have been invited, say you would like them all at YOUR special day but you will NOT choose and that they should not expect you to. Come, don’t come and that’s the last you will say on the subject.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

I agree with your other half! They are acting like children and not being respectful of YOUR wedding. They should suck it up and just enjoy not make a issue

Julia Hepburn
Julia Hepburn 11 Jan 2019

I agree with your fiance and Ollievision Photography's comment, Andrea. This is total childish manipulation and you should not waste your time with it. When children misbehave you need to show them boundaries or they will rule you. Make it clear you love them but it's your special day and they need to get on with it or dont come. The guilt trip and possible drama they will put on you on the day just is not worth it. Its a shame but its your day and should be a celebration of love not drama. Good luck.

Charlotte Wright
Charlotte Wright 11 Jan 2019

I also agree with your Husband to be if they cannot act like adults for your wedding then don't invite them. It is your wedding your special day and if they are telling you who to invite then that's wrong it's you and your fiance's wedding and it is both your choice who you would want to invite to the wedding.

Alex Perkins
Alex Perkins 11 Jan 2019

It’s so hard, and I 100% agree with your fiancé, and as much and I think you should be firm with your mum and sister I know that it could cause more stress than it’s worth. Try and sit down with your mum and sister and tell them how important that your dad is with you and explain how your bending over backwards for them and you still feel like it’s not good enough and is an added stress that you don’t need! Unfortunately family’s don’t always get on! Also, don’t let them bad mouth your H2B By saying he’s trying to control you! That is not on at all. It’s your day and your family! And the people who really care about you will always put your happiness first ❤️

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Oh my goodness how childish can they be? You are going massively above and beyond to accommodate them, seems your Dad is being the only adult. It is your day and what you and your future husband want is important and not other people! Stick to what you want and have a fabulous day x

Marie Burnett
Marie Burnett 11 Jan 2019

Invite your dad and have a lovely day. If your mum and sister can’t support you on your special day then they don’t deserve to be in your life.
You are supposed to enjoy your big day!
Good luck xx

Jannette Taylor
Jannette Taylor 11 Jan 2019

I agree with your fiancé and apparently everyone else on here - if they can’t behave like adults and suck it up for one day, tell them not to come.
If they can’t get over themselves to make you happy on your wedding day, do they really deserve to be sharing that day with you anyway? My answer would be a straight no.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 11 Jan 2019

Id say fine with the seating but during the photos you will smile and wave like all is normal or you can piss of or better yet not come it not that its not fair on your dad that's the problem its not fair on you! you should be allowed a relationship with both your parents and to be able to include both your parents into your important life events.

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 12 Jan 2019

I would just tell mum and sister if they can not act like adults and be more supportive they should not bother coming. Dad is happy to go along with this so I don't see why he should miss out.

Kayleigh E Alman
Kayleigh E Alman 12 Jan 2019

I’ve had similar problem. My h2b mum said she weren’t coming if his brothers did so I said fine don’t come because he really wanted his brothers there, we get married next week and she’s not in the guest list, not even the night and it’s her own fault. Your h2b is 100% right. It’s your wedding and if you want your dad there they can’t stop you and they will regret not going but it’ll be their own fault x

Emily Mash
Emily Mash 12 Jan 2019

Invite them all and tell all three you’ve invited all three and see who comes. Such a shame for you. Have a fabulous day like you deserve and don’t let this spoil anything! Good luck

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 12 Jan 2019

Your mum and sister are both adults and can behave or not turn up. Those are the options. They don’t get to make your day even more stressful. If they want a separate hotel they book a separate hotel with their own money.
It’s not playing favourites it’s asking your family to have some respect for you and behave. Your fiancé is right in this situation and they should not come if they are going to ruin your day with their negativity and terrible behaviour. They have either had their day or will do later... would they be happy if anyone turned up and expected the same treatment?

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 12 Jan 2019

They all need to grow up and realise that this is yours and your grooms day. If they can't behave for one day they don't deserve to share it with you. Good luck on your big day. X

Rachael Watkinson
Rachael Watkinson 12 Jan 2019

Tbh you dad is the only one prepared to behave so in this instance i'd just invite him. My dad is dead and i'd give the world to have him at my wedding.

Charlotte Ward
Charlotte Ward 13 Jan 2019

Invite them all and let them get on with it..

Ukbride Administrator
Ukbride Administrator 13 Jan 2019

OMG! What nastiness, forget inviting your mum and sister invite your dad and have a lovely day. Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to take this behaviour. It's disgusting. Don't feel guilty either. It's your day not theirs. I totally agree with your h2b. Good luck

Caroline Larner
Caroline Larner 14 Jan 2019

I understand that things may be acrimonious but it's yours and your fiance's day and your Mum and sister should respect that, put on their big girl pants and suck it up. You can't do anything more arrangement wise so it's up to them to be the bigger person and put their differences aside for 10 hours of their life. Not doing that is utterly selfish in my opinion and I'm with your fiance that if they can't act like adults then they shouldn't attend.

Comment

Before we add your comment, please: log in to an existing UKbride account or join UKbride
Why Join?
National Wedding Show Logo
Book Now and Save £££'s with UKbride