UKbride Member Request 2 Dec 2017

so, i’m in a bit of a difficult predicament .. when thinking of my...

so, i’m in a bit of a difficult predicament .. when thinking of my bridesmaids, i have 3 definites in mind. one of them is a girl who’s been my best friend for nearly 10 years, (she is 10 years older than me so the next part won’t be so harsh ????) she’s been with my dad for 6 years and their getting married next year. so, problem is.. i want her as my bridesmaid but my mum is saying she’d feel uncomfortable, that we couldn’t all go dress shopping together, my stepmother & father have said they’ll pay towards my dress .. i have thought about just telling them to get their heads together for my sake, which i never EVER ask them to do! urrhhhhh ?! help!!

Susan Coleclough
Susan Coleclough 2 Dec 2017

This is a difficult one with a long response. I know that I didn't have anything to do with my ex for over a decade (can't stand the sight or sound of him ... not helped by him leaving me with young kids in another country with no maintainance). However, when my ex's father died and a few months later my son was having a BBQ which was on his late grandad's birthday (are you keeping up?) he wanted me there as well. I went round for a coffee beforehand when my ex was there and managed a cup of coffee without lowering myself to throw it at him, so agreed. I hesitantly went with my H2B and found it was OK, although ex and I didn't have much to do with each other we were polite. It worked. What hit home most for me was on the way home when my daughter's friend said how good it was that we could do that because although I felt as I did towards the ex she said it had meant such a lot to my (now grown up) kids. She told me that she only wished her parents could do it because it was always so hurtful to her and her siblings. Speak to them individually and see if they can't agree to disagree and try to put things aside for your wedding. You are their daughter and it is your wedding so maybe they will. Perhaps try a meeting over coffee in a public place first so that they can leave if they really can't do it. Good luck. x

Lucy Lewis
Lucy Lewis 2 Dec 2017

Hi try talking to them to see if a solution can be sorted :)

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Dec 2017

I agree with you.
Tbis going to be your step mother and is paying for the dress with your dad.
On the other need to.consider.was she the reason for your parents break up.?
If so.i understand how your mum feels. If not can't see a problem.
I am.a second wife and have been to.several occasions where my husbands ex is...and we got on fine.your mum should thinking about herself and think of you.
They at wedding together after all

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Dec 2017

I'd talk to them all and explain how you feel. It's your wedding at the end of the day. Both mine and my H2Bs parents are separated and both Dads have new(er) partners but they're all 100% okay with them all being there/involved. I have to say that it's lovely when I see my parents and my Dad's gf together and see them all getting on as it could be so horrible for me and my brother if they didn't. I can understand your Mum feeling awkward etc, but it is your wedding so hopefully she can see how important it all is to you.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Dec 2017

Well you can only invite them and hope they’ll behave ... it’s your day and they can choose to be a part or not .... sounds like your mum doesn’t want her there tbh and trying to make out it’s not her issue ...because I’m sure she won’t care if your mum is there if she is the new wife to your dad. They don’t have to speak just invite other ppl too so that each of them can keep a distance and be civil

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Dec 2017

I have a similar situation that my mum won't have anything to do with my dad's partner coz he left mum for her. So neither got invited along to see my dress...only my best friend came with me!
At the end of the day do what makes you happy and if there is any issues tell them you don't want any atmosphere so either be quiet or leave!

Paige Warwick
Paige Warwick 4 Dec 2017

thankyou for your comments. i spoke to my mother and she said she feels really uncomfortable with the idea. something happened nearly 6 years ago between the two of them .. not going to go into it. but my mum holds a massive grudge, uncalled for. i explained the her that i never make things about me and would never ask of it to be but it’s mine and my partners day. my partner fully supports my decision and said it’s our day, we’re paying for it and we should be able to have who we want and if people don’t like it then lump it. but then my sister has told me to think about how my mum would feel being mother of the bride etc :/ it’s just such a hard predicament to be in as i love my mother and stepmother so much and think so highly of the two! :(! xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Dec 2017

I find it strange to have your step mum as bridesmaid I can understand where your mum's coming from to be honest could you not ask her to do a reading or be a witness instead? X

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 4 Dec 2017

Do ur dress shopping with ur mum... once sorted n picked what u like do ur BM'S dress shopping separately.. . I'm sure u would love the BM'S to be part of ur dress shopping but at least it's a compromise... u can take BM'S TO see ur dress and give opinions n see it on etc. Would that not work to suit everyone.?

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 5 Dec 2017

My personal opinion so don’t shoot me down .... I would say that your bestie / step Mam already has a part to play in the wedding party as she is your step Mam, me and my Mam are extremely close and I class her as one of my best friends but she is my Mam so would never ask her to be a bridesmaid, you with me! I think if you explained this to your step Mam that her role on the wedding day is that of a “second” Mam she would understand at the end of the day it’s her decision to become your dads partner that has put you in a really awkward situation!! If that’s how your Mam feels I think there has to be a level of respect towards that, how would she feel on the Wedding morning getting ready etc, it is first and foremost your day but also kind of her day!! Like I say just my view on it all! Xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 5 Dec 2017

It is your day and even though you are trying to keep the peace maybe talk to your mum and say you understand its strange for her but you still love your mum and that your step mum is your best friend and you cant imagine and dont want to imagine your day without them both and really want them both there to pick your dress. Unless you could speak to your dad and stepmum and ask if they would mind you dress shopping with just your mum and then go for fittings with step mum and for shoes and accessories. If you explain you just dont want either to feel uncomfortable they may be willing to help xx

Jayne Young
Jayne Young 5 Dec 2017

Difficult situation. Don't think though that because your dad is paying for your dress it means your stepmother has to be bridesmaid. Your mum is probably thinking that it's an important day for her, being mother of the bride, it's a big deal! She might not want to feel she's 'sharing' it with your new step mother, I get the feeling they don't get along. For me personally in this situation, I wouldn't be asking her to be bridesmaid and she would understand, BUT it is up to you in the end and everyone will just have to be on their best behaviour! Good luck!

Lauren Keable
Lauren Keable 6 Dec 2017

My parents are separated and it is honestly the easiest thing in the world them getting along! They have always been like that and my mum even attended my dad and step mum's wedding 7 years ago! Do you see her as your best friend or your stepmum? If more so a stepmum I would leave her as your dads partner for the day instead of a bridesmaid. However, if as you say she has been your best friend for years ask your mum to look beyond it for one day x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 6 Dec 2017

as a mum.and a step mum. I think saying your step friend my be upsetting to your mum.. wedding dress buying is traditionally a mother daughter experience. you dont take your father .
Just go with your mum dress shopping. then go again with your step mum another time show her the dress you chose.


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