UKbride Member Request 28 Nov 2017

Really need some help navigating a tricky situation all advice is seriously...

Really need some help navigating a tricky situation all advice is seriously appreciated. So I've been with my other half 7 years and we're getting married August 2018. I am close with his sister and asked her to be my maid of honour. However, when we got engaged she entered a relationship with her now fiancé. In the time we have been engaged they have moved in together, gotten engaged and now booked their wedding for January 2019. Now obviously I am super happy her for and I adore her fiancé, he is absolutely lovely. But since she's gotten together with him she has become very self centred. She talks about her wedding non-stop (which to an extent is understandable) but then she never asks how our wedding planning is going or if we need any help, it's like she's forgotten she's still my maid of honour. She is impossible to get hold of and isn't particularly supportive. The last straw was when she told me she was going to look for wedding dresses at my first wedding dress appointment and she wants to book her hen do just before or after our wedding! She said it was because she didn't want to pay for it in 2019, but I told her if it's right before/after our wedding we might not be able to afford to go and she didn't seem fussed. We are also getting married in Cyprus and then having a big party in London when we get home, so that is going to be a really stressful time. Am I being unreasonable/bridezillla? What would you do in this situation? TIA x

Lucy Lewis
Lucy Lewis 28 Nov 2017

Hi I think I would be extremely annoyed I would tell her she was no longer required as MOH :)

UKbride Member 28 Nov 2017

I too would be very annoyed, I would definitely remove her as maid of honour as the job of maid of honour is to support the bride and help make her day easier, sounds like she is just making it worse and harder for you. Find somebody else who is reliable and supportive and wont replace your day and their duties to you with something they deem more important. She obviously doesn't care enough to deserve the role.

Emma Pearson
Emma Pearson 28 Nov 2017

I can understand how you must be annoyed with her. However you really have to make sure you don't do the wrong thing if you decide you no longer want her to be part of it. Is there any way you can speak to her and discuss both weddings and hope she asks more about yours?

Chloé Roe
Chloé R 29 Nov 2017

I completely understand your frustration!
I'd maybe talk to her and tell her how you are feeling? Sometimes with excitement you can just get all wrapped up your big day and not think about others.
She should be supporting you as your maid of honour and if a chat doesn't work maybe think about other options for MOH?

Emma Raisborough
Emma Raisborough 29 Nov 2017

I understand your frustration but maybe try to sit down with her and explain how you feel. As someone else has said, in her excitement for her own wedding she might not realise she is upsetting you. If after a chat she shows no remorse or change then it may be time to find a new MOH. I have a family member to be who always turns the subject on tothem and what they did for their wedding 15 years a go every time we talk about our wedding. I know they don't mean to appear rude and don't realise they do it - its just the way some people are - but it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Nov 2017

Remember how excited you felt got engaged ..same for her.
Cut her some slack but take her for a drink and tell her she also needs to.focus on her job as MOH if she still.wants job. Tell her if she doesn't you will.understand as she is planning her own wedding.
Even offer advice

Cathy McBrearty
Cathy McBrearty 30 Nov 2017

I would have a little chat with her next time she is talking about her wedding. Maybe ask her if she wishes to step down as your MOH now she has her own wedding to plan. Explain that you understand how much time and effort goes into planning and as she will appreciate, you need help and support from your MOH and don't want her to feel overwhelmed.
She may be so caught up in her own excitement that she hasn't given yours a second thought. By letting her choose to step down there is no amniosity. If she says she still wants to be MOH then a gentle reminder and a nudge that she needs to her to step up to her role may be in order

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Nov 2017

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UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Nov 2017

Do you talk about your wedding a lot ?
Do you ask about her wedding ?

We all talk about the thing that is most important in our lives at the, why not embrace the fact you are both planning weddings - this does not mean you have to disclose every lady detail
Have joint appointments to look at dresses - you don’t have to make decisions or state which is your favourite.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Nov 2017

I think you asked her to be MOH for a reason, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water! She is very excited as you understand and planning her wedding will be her priority! You need to sit down with her and talk to her about everything, maybe she will find it too much helping you plan yours at the same time as planning hers, Talk to her about what you want her to do to help towards your wedding. If she says she can’t cope then that’s when you should ask her if she would like to step back a bit? Or maybe she has just got so caught up in he whirlwind of being engaged and excited and hasn’t even realised she’s letting you down!
People are so quick to ‘dump bridesmaids’ when really you need to remember they have their own lives and stresses etc to deal with and you can’t expect them to drop everything.
Her looking at dresses at the same time as you, surely that’s a wonderful thing to do? How exciting to be doing it together and knowing how excited each other is! As for her hen party, you have to let her plan it for when she wants, she is budgeting for her own wedding remember and if that’s the only time she can afford to do it then so be it! Good luck x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 30 Nov 2017

Sack her off and get someone else that's interested in your day and stops banging on about theirs!

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Dec 2017

I can see your frustration. I would sit down and talk to her about how you feel, just the two of you. Say you would still like her to be your maid of honour but you don't want her to feel under pressure so does she want you to give the role to someone else as you need someone quite active who can help. Good luck!


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