UKbride Member Request 1 Nov 2017

Me and my Dad used to be really close however he's since re-married and our...

Me and my Dad used to be really close however he's since re-married and our relationship isn't what it used to be. He's hurt me a lot and I'm struggling to want him as part of my big day. I've already asked my brother to walk me down the aisle alongside my Dad. But I really don't think my Dad deserves to do a speech or have a daddy-daughter dance, the thought of it makes me cringe. We are having a church wedding too... Is there any way I can avoid the part where he passes my hand over to my groom? I am his only daughter and I'm not one for confrontation but I don't know how to approach the subject with him. Help please :( it's really getting me down.

Sharlin Bissick
Sharlin Bissick 1 Nov 2017

You really need to find away to speak to him about how you feel. Start from your differences and what hurts you most, before approaching the topic of the wedding.
You need to be able to feel relaxed about your big day, this sounds like it's causing you anxiety.
If you can't tell him in person, perhaps put all you're feelings in a letter or an email. I am sure he will call you to discuss it properly after having read what you had written.
Remember he is you're father, I'm sure you wouldn't want to loose him for good. So be sure to think carefully about what you write or say.
All the best, I hope it goes the way you want it to and that you rekindle you're father daughter relationship X

Jaki Green
Jaki Green 1 Nov 2017

I can’t offer any advice but 100% agree with Sharlin and wish you all the best and hope it works out for you so you have the most amazing day x x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Nov 2017

The passing of your hand from your father to your groom is not a legal requirement, neither is someone giving you away (when the priest asks who gives this woman). You can either ask someone else to answer the question, or you can just remove the question altogether. I was given away by my whole family (they all said we do when the question was asked), but my hand wasn’t passed over, not all priests bother with that bit. There are a number of traditional elements of the church wedding which are neither legal requirements nor an essential part of the Christian element, and these can be removed.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Nov 2017

I dont want to sound harsh but have u thought about just talking to him. I lost my dad 5 week before my wedding and it broke my heart. Even with my brothers taking up the roles my dad would have done it was not the same. Talk to your dad he is the only one that u have.

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Nov 2017

I would also say talk to your dad , do so on a neutral territory ....

Kelly Moir
Kelly Moir 1 Nov 2017

I’m in a similar situation but my father left my Mum when I was a baby. I have a relationship with him but like you have been hurt by him in the past. I’ve asked my Mum to give me away when I marry next October and told him about my plans back in February so that he had time to digest the information. I’d talk to your dad, one on one if possible and tell him what you’ve written here. You don’t want to lose him but it sounds like he has already given you away through his actions. Good luck, I’m sure it will all come good in the end xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Nov 2017

This might be a difficult question. Is your relationship strained because of something he's done or because he remarried? If he hasn't really done anything wrong other than deciding to be with someone else then it's spiteful to leave him out of your wedding. However if he has been terrible to you then you are quite within your right, just be aware that leaving him out might really hurt him and so damage your relationship further

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Nov 2017

I was close to my stepmum but when I got married my dad said he didn't want to come all the way to Scotland just to see me in a white dress I since found out it was because my stepmum didn't want to stay the night in my house because my mum was there and didn't want to stay in hotel. My brother gave me away and my stepmum has now passed away and my dad regrets not being at my wedding. Talk to your dad xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 1 Nov 2017

He doesn't have to pass your hand over to the bride. A lot of people don't do that now. He can just walk you up the aisle and you can ask the vicar to skip the part where they say who gives this woman away xx

Becky Harris
Becky Harris 1 Nov 2017

If you find it hard to talk to him about it, how about writing it down and giving that to him when you meet up. I find it difficult to get everything out that I want to say as I get too emotional and don’t end up saying what I want to say. I hope you get this sorted and feel comfortable with whatever you decide for your wedding x

Jenny Forshaw
Jenny Forshaw 1 Nov 2017

If it is purely because he is with someone else I would say you should try to get over that issue. Is he happy now? He's always going to be your dad and nothing will change that. You only get one dad. He still loves you. It would be something you both regret if he never got to give you away. It's once in a life time!

If there's more to the story then that is a different matter. I'm sure you want him happy, just as he wants you happy.

Good luck anyway. It's a tricky one xxx

Sharlee Ferguson
Sharlee Ferguson 1 Nov 2017

I have the same situation I fell out with my step mum a few years ago and my dad stopped replying to me over time but last xmas he text me and we spoken ever since... I've asked my dad to walk me down the aisle he said yes then started going I'll come the mornin of the wedding meet u at the church walk u down have a meal then go away this actually bothered me so I just told his if he didn't want to be here then it's fine I've got a back up my brother he was like I want to be their so I said I want u here the night before and the night of the wedding

Now the issue is he doesn't want the wear the kilt my h2b and the men in the wedding party are wearing so it's going to look stupid in the photos

Siân Murphy
Siân Murphy 1 Nov 2017

Like everyone else has said, no one can tell you what to do but i’d say talk to your father. Let him know your concerns, it doesn’t have to be a confrontation. All I’ll say is I recently lost my father and knowing he won’t be part of my wedding is really painful. I just don’t want you to regret anything! Hope it all works out well for you all xx

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 2 Nov 2017

I am going through a similar situation and really don't know what to do my dad is now an alcohol and he is a stranger to me but he's still my dad.. what do I do? X

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 2 Nov 2017

I've no idea when it comes to church weddings but in civil ceremonies you get the choice now whether or not you want to be 'given away' or just escorted down the aisle...lots of people choose not to have the being given away part because its sexist and outdated so speak with the person doing your ceremony and make your choice clear. Alternatively just dont have him involved...if the thought makes you cringe then just don't involve's your day :)

Nicola Mooney
Nicola Mooney 2 Nov 2017

My dad walked me down the isle because he's my dad and I'm his only daughter. There are times when he's never in my life..he moved away without telling me!! And I'm still awaiting a card for my wedding which was in May.. I even considered asking my mam to walk me down the isle as he's hurt me so many times without realising. He told me once I was no daughter of his 💔 but I know, regardless of whether he deserved to or not, not allowing him to be part of his only daughter's wedding would crush him. He was a fantastic dad when i was little but not so much so as an adult... don't feel he really knows who I am and he causes a lot of trouble by telling lies, but as I say... I'm his only daughter, and not making excuses for him, I don't even think he genuinely realises his behaviour at times x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 2 Nov 2017

as someone who has lost their dad and a friend of someone else who has also lost their dad and massively regrets him not walking them down the aisle id recommended that you talk to him to try build bridges so you can have a better relationship in the future and then reassess your decision to not have him walk you down the aisle.

i dont know the ins and outs if your relationship but if you havent discussed it already i would recommend you discuss your problems as he may be sat there feeling the same and wanting to build bridges too.

if not then fair enough and once youve tried i can completely understand if youd still want to just have your brother but you only get one dad and if you never tried to build those bridges and take the opportunity to have him give you away id hate to not say what i have and in later years you regret never trying.

hope you work it out and have things how you want on your special day x

UKbride Administrator
UKbride Administrator 3 Nov 2017

I don't belive in being given away. I chose my htb not my family. This is the modern world and marriage is suppose to be about two family's embracing each other not a family giving away or loosing a daughter. I explained this to my dad who agreed with my ethos and I will be walking my self down the Isle. If walking alone gets to much my hbt has agreed that he will meet me half way if need be. Scrap old traditions that arnt important anymore. Go with your heart and what makes you happy.

This day is about you and your htb and what ever makes you guys happy. Anyone that's not happy need to just suck it up and remember who's day it is any why they are there

That's just my opinion hope it may help

Iona Lambert
Iona Lambert 7 Nov 2017

If you don't want confrontation do a rehearsal at the church tell the priest what you want before so he knows and can skip the passing of your hand and if your dad asksjustsaythis is how you want it done and your happy that he's joining your brother down the aisle with you. Hope that helps good luck 😊


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