UKbride Member Request 30 Oct 2017

So, I’ll try and make this story/question short but it’s not going to be...

So, I’ll try and make this story/question short but it’s not going to be easy. Backstory I got married last year and had the woman I considered to be my best friend as my maid of honour and honestly this isn’t spiteful but she really didn’t try very hard at all, instead she ignored my few requests for my hen do and kept bickering with my sister who was trying to give me a great hen do. I even at one stage asked her if she wanted to be my maid of honour because she was not behaving as such but we worked through and on the day she was by my side. Fast forward to this year and she is now planning her wedding for which I am a bridesmaid, she has also got several other bridesmaids and told us in the beggining she didn’t want to pick a maid of honour as she loved us all equally (I accepted this as it saved arguments). We’ve been discussing her hen do since the beginning of August and literally no one will give a date that they are happy to do, instead any time I mention anything about a date or ideas I get aggressive and bullying messages to the point that I have to turn off my phone to stop myself seeing them. I’ve told the people doing this how they are making me feel and they’ve basically said tough we aren’t doing that so put up and shut up. I have also spoken to the bride, whose solution was to appoint a maid of honour, which she did and I am not going to lie I was extremely upset when she did not choose me as she said ‘The others won’t listen to you, I don’t know why’. So, I spoke to maid of honour and said that the wedding is only a few months away I really need a date in the diary for this hen do otherwise I’m not sure I can make it. So discussions started again and yet again around in circles, I’ve also been ‘left out’ if you will from three major events/functions of the brides because ‘the others don’t like you and I don’t know why’ ‘you don’t get all on but you should’ any excuse I have now heard it. I have told the bride I feel like my feelings and general well-being are now coming dead last after everybody else’s pettiness. She repeatedly says she doesn’t want to hurt me or make me feel bad yet seems to just keep letting these people treat me like something they trod in, I’ve never had mean words with them or done anything to them which makes it all the more hurtful. I’ve had to speak to friends of mine who aren’t in her social circle and shown them messages and such and they all cannot believe I’m still her bridesmaid or her friend. Every part of me wants to just cut this tie, tell her she’s chosen her ‘friends’ and that I won’t be at her wedding because she’s treated me (the only bridesmaid who is married and understands the whole process and has literally offered to help at every step of the planning) like I don’t matter to her and she couldn’t care less if I was stood by her on her special day. I’m dreading a hen do with these people who literally don’t hide how much they dislike me, or a wedding day where I have to smile and act like we are all great friends. I get a lot of conflicting opinions because we’ve been friends for such a long time, so I don’t know whether to just tough it out and hope things will improve or just stop now before I end up losing my temper and saying something to the bullying bridesmaids. *please don’t tell me that it’s the bride day she can do what she wants because I would never have dreamed of treating her like this whilst I planned my day*

Steph V
Steph V 30 Oct 2017

I know you have mention that you've had a word with her but I think you should sit down with her, explain that you are very upset with the whole situation and show her the messages that were sent, if this doesn't give her a kick in my opinion I would actually step down as friendship means more than all the arguments, but I would still attend the wedding to show my support. If you are truly unhappy you need to sort it out soon.
Hope this helps 😊

Harriet Lewis
Harriet Lewis 30 Oct 2017

I had to read this to my partner because I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Seems to me that the other bridesmaids don’t want you in the group because your not in their circle of friendship. Show the bride the messages and rep her how horrid you feel. If she doesn’t find a solution and sort it then if I was you I’d walk away. Friends shouldn’t treat you that way. If her friends are going to continue being bullies she won’t have an amazing wedding because the bridesmaids will only be thinking of themselves. Heads up, shoulders back and smile. It will all work out okay. Xx

Lucy Lewis
Lucy Lewis 30 Oct 2017

Hi I agree with Steph V but if she doesn't or won't understand then cut all ties :)

Nicola Smithson
Nicola Smithson 30 Oct 2017

I agree - She clearly isn't a very good friend if she can't stick up for you. "I son't know why" isn't an answer....
Personally, I would show her the messages and say "Look! Do you think this is acceptable?" - If she makes no attempt to speak to them and knock them down off thier high horses or try to sort it out then she clearly isn't bothered. Then cut all ties. Doesn't sound like you will be losing out on an amazing friendship anyway. I cut all ties with a girl I was close with at Uni - I was asked to be her Moh ( to a guy who cheated on her multiple times, but I supported her and accepted) I planned a hen do, helped organise and give ideas etc. The wedding ended up getting called off 4 months before it happened and although I tried to help, I haven't spoken to her since. The final straw is when I got engaged, I didn't even get a congratulations from her or anything. To me that shows she clearly didn't give a shit. My point is you shoudn't focus or do things you are not comfortable with. Give her the option and if she chooses not to help or support you then cut all ties. Xxxxx

Jaki Green
Jaki Green 1 Nov 2017

Personally, I would have already told her that I wouldn’t be her bridesmaid with an attitude like hers.
As said above, show her the messages and tell her exactly how the others make you feel.
That said, I don’t think I’d want to be a part of anything with people who have to be nice to me because someone told them to.
I wish you all the best and really hope you do what’s right for you x x

Laura Wilkinson
Laura Wilkinson 1 Nov 2017

Hi, this is a horrible situation. I know you probably feel like you don't want to lose her as a friend but agree it's unacceptable for her to not take it seriously. I would tell her you can't deal with the nastyness and step down, that way if the friendship is worth saving you've explained why you can't be her bridesmaid. Also you won't have to worry about organising the hen do, I would maybe consider not even going and having a special night with just the bride. Im not condoning her ignoring the issue but it's an option of you still want her in your life x


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