Hi My H2B and I have been together 5yrs and engaged since August. The wedding is booked for next August (2018). Our relationship has always been tricky as our standards are so different and we have found it hard to find common ground (he has lived a very insular life for many years and i have had two negative/toxic relationships)...the result being that I end up doing everything and there are lots of arguments and tears. That said we do love each other very much and have been trying to get help through counselling since June. H2B has recently started a new job and is particularly stressed - I feel that our relationship is in a worse state than ever, however he keeps telling me things will be better soon once he has completed his training. Yesterday we had a particularly hideous counselling session and I feel like we're not getting anywhere. I know he loves me but living with him is incredibly difficult. We are awaiting an appointment with a specialist as we suspect he is relatively high on the autistic spectrum. I don't feel like I can move on with wedding preps or even feel excited.
CommentAuthorTiffany
Just take it one day at a time hun. People on the autistic spectrum find it very hard to communicate and get across what they mean and how they feel, some find it easier talking behind a screen (through text) than in person etc. I find it very hard to tell my h2b how I am feeling etc but find it easy to tell a complete stranger over messages. I have high functioning autism and Asperger's syndrome. Change is a huge deal and we do not cope with it well at all, once he knows what he is doing at work, he should be ok again. We are hard work but we can be very loving (so I've been told).
Wedding planning wise see if he will get involved. The earlier you start the more time you both have to decided exactly what you both want and he can pre pare himself for the huge change in routine for the days prior to, on and few days after the wedding.
Sorry if none of this makes any sense. If you need or want to chat at any time you are welcome to drop me a message.
CommentAuthorVikkiBG
I can't seem to send you a message. Things have reached an all time low. He is basically treating me and my kids the way he doesn't want to be treated (shouting, criticizing etc) and i have told him i think I need to let him live his life on his own. Of course he now won't speak to me at all so I'm even worse off
CommentAuthorVikkiBG
Things have never been easy as, when we met he was out of work and living on his ex's sofa. When he moved in his was self employed but wasn't getting paid for the days he worked so sometimes had no money for months on end. I then encouraged him to take a job he was offered which was v low but regular pay. That was not good for his self-esteem / depression as he was working ridiculous hours for little money. Now his job and pay is good and he is happier but awaiting his final assessment (which should happen within the next couple of weeks). I have always been supportive and encouraging but he is very hurtful with his words and often forgets what he has said. I know this is the worst time to try and get him to focus on us, but he is not being pleasant to live with, knows it but isn't trying to change it
CommentAuthorTiffany
Oh sweet I really do feel for you. I will see if it will allow me to message you. I was like this a lot before I got help and still can be sometime (mostly when tired or stressed). It's like the switch that most people have that stops you from saying the hurtful stuff isn't there. It's hard because on one hand there is never any excuse to treat anyone like that, let alone the person you love and the kids but then on the other hand a lot of it will be said out of pure frustration and not knowing how to get what he means across in a in hurtful way and he wont always realise just how hurtful the stuff he is saying is.
Personally if I was in your shoes I would focus on myself and my children and let him have a cooling off period. Only you can decide what you want to do regarding your relationship hun. He needs to know what he is doing/saying is hurtful and you will not stand for it, Autistic or not. (I never use it as an excuse.)
Thank you so much. I really don't know what to do. I can see he loves me, but his behaviour is so geared towards making sure he is ok (i know that this is a typical difficulty that people on the autistic spectrum have) but where do I fit? If he can't see he's hurting me and won't listen I don't know how things will ever work
CommentAuthorTiffany
You're very welcome. Oh yes it certainly is, unfortunately. I've been such a selfish brat planning my wedding it had been my way or no way (didn't mean to be, I didn't know I was doing it until my mum told me). If I'm honest I'm most probs like that all the time but no has told me. He will have his own way of trying to show you how much he loves you and it can be difficult to see. My brothers way of showing how much he loved my mum was by pushing everyone away from her, hurtful in the sense she couldn't get close to anyone else but in a strange way loving because he didn't want/like to share her (he is also autistic, amongst many others).
My h2b once said the best bit of advice he was given for living with me was 'It's like living with a child but in an adults body, you need to learn her signs that she is about to have a meltdown and find what works best for you both to prevent or calm it'. (Don't worry he has not seen this nor have I told him about anything)
I really hope you can work things out hun. I'm only ever a message away if needed.
CommentAuthorVikkiBG
That's the irony. I get accused of treating him like a child and ordering him around, then he tells me not to expect things from him, I have to ask! I ask politely and respectfully but then I'm demanding! It's sooooo bloody difficult! Thank you for sharing your experience. At least I feel less like I'm on my own x
CommentAuthorMichelleC961
To be honest this does not seem like you should even be contemplating getting married- if you are already going to counselling- sounds like this is actually bullying- how can someone scream and shout and say horrible things to yiu then pretend they don't remember- love is a word that can have no meaning and because it's what you want to hear then you forget about the horrible things he gas done- sorry go be so blunt but I really do think you need to take a hard look and have a very open conversation with your partner- say you know he is stressed at work but that's not an excuse- weddings are a lot of money and stressful and it doesn't sound like this is the right time for you-i hope you managed to sort things and it isn't as bad as things sound but for me it's not a loving happy relationship and that is only the start of a happy marriage xx
