Wedding Forum - Who should give me away - seeking ideas....

A little long winded but here goes. My father is an alcoholic and was absent for some of my life (mostly throughout my teens). My mum threw him out when i was about 7. He later remarried, sobered up, and we reconnected. Around 4/5 years ago, he fell off the wagon again, ended up in prison and we lost contact. Over the last 12 months he has sought help, sobered up, and we are building a relationship again. During the time he was absent, i said that if i ever got married, i did not want him to give me away, i would have my brother do it instead. Last year my brother announced he was transgender and became my sister. I am immensely proud of her. I recently got engaged and given the change in circumstances, i asked her if she would still like to give me away, or be my bridesmaid. She opted to give me away. I realised i would have to explain this to dad at some point (my sister has no contacr with dad and wants nothing to do with him, dad is struggling to accept the change and says he will always be his son, so i can't see a resolution to this in the near future). This evening dad rang all excited cause he realised he could give me away. I was non - committal and said i hadnt thought about it yet and he was fine just said he was happy as long as i was happy. I feel like i am depriving my dad of the chance to give his daughter away, but my sister is the one who has been by my side my whole life, when my dad was at his worst, when we spent so much time alone as mum was out at work. Is there another important task i could give my dad to soften the blow? I hadnt expected that he would be able to help me financially with the wedding due to his circumstances howver he has accessed some pension money and is now talking about being able to help me. My initial wedding excitement has been completely wiped out by this worry. I don't want to let anyone down.

Hey Laura!

I think it's absolutely lovely that your sister will be walking you down the isle.
Being a biological parent doesn't necessarily give one the right to take part in wedding rituals, and it sounds like your sister has been there for you a lot more than your dad has. I wouldn't see it as 'depriving' him of something - you've honored someone else with that role - it isn't a right but a privilege. Given the circumstances, It's possible that your dad has considered that you might not want him to give you away and was 'testing the waters' with this phone call. He said that he would be happy as long as you're happy - it's possible that if he had a concrete expectation that he would be giving you away, he would have reacted more strongly when you didn't seem totally good with the idea.

If you want to involve him in some other way, maybe you could arrange for him to perform a reading at the ceremony, or you could arrange a bride/father of the bride 'first look' moment before the wedding where you have some photos taken and spend time - just the two of you. Also, you can place emphasis on being excited about the father/daughter dance in the evening do if you want to do that :)

The only thing i'd be wary of is asking your dad to do a father of the bride's speech - it sounds like your dad was absent a lot of the time and it might be difficult - on top of that, if your dad is prone to misgendering your sister, there's the possibility that he could make the day difficult or uncomfortable for her if he were to refer to his 'son' or your 'brother' in the wedding speech, or worse, crack a joke about it.

There are lots of things to include him with though. If your family situation permits, you could ask him to sit next to you at the top table which most people consider an honour. He could meet you at the alter, or proceed you and your sister in the processional?

You sound like a great sister and I hope you get your wedding mojo back soon! xx

Hi Laura,

Your sister sounds like such an amazing person!

I am in a similar situation in the way I have a step-dad and a biological dad.

I have my step-dad's surname, he's looked after me and has always been there when I needed through school, university and boyfriends.

To be blunt my biological dad can't be arsed to be a parent, his gambling and drinking has always been more important that his daughter. We have made contact with each other after 6 years of no contact at all and I'm keeping him at arms length because I don't want to get hurt. He already knows that my step-dad will be giving me away and doing all the father of the bride roles because he has the right to do that.

It probably sounds really harsh but my biological dad should feel honored that I have invited him at all, because he really hasn't done much for me at all. Everything he has done has ended in tears.

I would stick with your initial plan let your sister walk you down the aisle, maybe ask your mum to do a speech and if you want to involve him if he does make a contribution ask him to be a witness. They are plenty of ways to involve him without taking away from your sister.

Just remember its your day and people really should feel thankful you want them there.

Parts of this I could have written myself.
My brother walked me down the aisle, and I never even considered my dad as an option. My dad attended the wedding but only because I knew if I didn't invite him he would turn up anyway and cause trouble. He had no FOB role at all and was not mentioned anywhere.

You should have whoever you want and who makes you happy, it's nice you still want to involve him :)