Wedding Forum - My Mother has died, I am heartbroken and...

Hello fellow brides, I haven't posted for a while. It has been a summer from hell. I hope I have posted in the right place and I am so so so sorry for how long my post is, it is just that so much has gone and is going on.

My dear Mam died in July at the young age of 51, medical negligence is definitely a large contributing factor in her death. I am 24, severely disabled by my mental health problems (a disorder I will have for life) and she was the only person I believe would have never given up on me like everyone else. My dad has walked out and my Fiance has walked out and while they both came back it haunts me that they had had enough, if they can do it once they can do it again.

My Mam was so excited for the wedding, she was buying little bits for us, like butterfly place cards and favor boxes, we would be on the phone for hours talking about all sorts of things for the wedding, including the outfit she was going to wear and how to solve different dilemmas. Without her guidance I feel so alone in planning this wedding, not to downplay my Fiance's efforts because he is interested and gives his opinion, but it is different between a mother and daughter I feel.

Her loss has completely broken my heart and devastated me, she was my best friend, my confidante, she went in on the Thursday and on the Friday my uncle rushed me to her side, driving an 8 hour round trip to come and get me and I held her hand as they turned off her life support so that she would slowly slip away. I knew I would face losing her one day and in the last year or so there had been a few close calls and weeks in intensive care, but I never though for a minute that I would lose her so soon and like this. The day of her funeral was sunny which she would have liked and she had some beautiful flowers, the funeral did her justice at least. My Fiance was a pallbearer for her and at least I can marry him knowing that she loved him already as a son-in-law.

As well as losing her, I had my benefits stopped for a while and I had no choice but to fight for it back, without that money my Fiance and I would be in serious trouble and destitution. I cannot work and my Fiance cannot leave me because of the level of care I need, he is my full time carer and so his money was stopped too, thankfully we have had a lot of help, we fought back and recently I was given mine back and we are waiting to hear about my Fiance's.

We also have had two pets die, the NHS has discharged me because there is no more they can do for me, the severity of my illness is such that there is nothing they can do despite my going through numerous different therapies, being on high levels of different meds and talking to my psychiatrist (that is what I was told). I did try to start doing Avon this week but they were naughty and did not tell me that I would have to declare myself as self-employed to the HMRC and DWP -I was so excited to try but I cannot risk our money for anything. I only found out because I came across it by chance on the reps chat website. I have also had a friend from North Wales pressuring me to have him and his girlfriend (they are 20 & 19) who I have met once for two hours to stay, I have told him before that my Fiance and I have to meet her a few times first and I have told him that I am too ill for visitors, I struggle enough having family to stay (I live in South Wales nr Cardiff) but his response was "Oh come on Soph.....". They are so cheeky, I saw on FB his girlfriend posted on last thursday "I just want a weekend away", my friend replied "me too" and then she replied "We will have to sort it out soon" - the very next day I get yet another text asking if they can come and see us, then on Saturday my friend posted about a new game he is buying that was £50!. I really feel like they are just trying to use me and the next time he texts me I don't know what I will do, I have not replied.

He is a good lad and has never been like this before, we have known him for years, I think it is his girlfriend (who from what he has told us is jealous, possessive, obsessive, attention-seeking and full of drama) pressuring him and he is too cheap to pay for a hotel. If they were that desperate to see us they could stay in a hotel near us for like £30-£40 a night!

Last night she tried to cause drama because I didn't "like" something she posted on a photo of mine, she then did a status that she was "very angry" and when I messaged her asking what was up - she ignored me, but when I sent another message saying if she had a problem with me to out it, suddenly she said that my friend had turned up 5 hours late for a meet up and then this morning said that he had got lost.........in a town he knows like the back of his hand. Its all bull!!!! What would you ladies do? I care about my friend and don't want to leave him alone in her clutches but right no I am SO angry and dissapointed in him, I want to turn to him and say that neither of them are coming ever again, I don't need this crap right now and I cannot believe that my friend could be so unsympathetic, my Mam only passed 4/5 months ago!!!!!

My Fiance and I have been struggling badly under the stress, grief and devastation.

I cannot believe that I will not have my Mam there on the morning of the wedding getting ready with me, I will not be able to hug her as a wife, she will not get to see my Fiance and I sealing the deal and so so so so much more. We have been engaged for a few years now and I feel so incredibly guilty that we should have done it sooner, it was just that we haven't been able to afford to until now. I think only other brides can truly understand the pain of planning a wedding motherless, fatherless or parentless, her absence has made wedding planning very painful and I haven't been able to even glance at the wedding magazines plopping on my doormat (subscription).

I have been given one of her rings as my engagement ring, it is 18 carat gold with 7, 1 carat each diamonds in a flower cluster setting, it is beautiful but I would rather have her.

I am so grateful to have my dad and I adore him but gosh, I would do anything to get her back, I want my mother back.

The only positive things that have/are happened/happening is that my Fiance and I will celebrate 7 years together on Halloween, my best friend and I mended an argument that was between us, we had not talked in about 2 years and I was on a local bus where my parents/dad lives and she and her mother got on, I spoke to her mother who knew my Mam and told her she had passed away (I was going shopping because I wanted retail therapy, this was about 3 days after she had passed) when we got to the local town my friend came up to me and without a word hugged me tight, I sobbed into her shoulder there and then.
Having her back means the world to me and I will not lose her again, I want to ask her to be MOH and I doubt she will say no, but with my groom having no one on his side and them being good friends, I am not sure which side we should ask her to be on, she hates dresses.
My dad and I are going on holiday to a luxury, all inc hotel in Turkey on the 21st which I cannot wait for, I cant wait to feel the sun on my skin and sand between my toes.

My mental health was bad enough anyway, My head is a mess and I have attempted suicide numerous times between her death and now, I have also been struggling with self harm and have new scars on my already scarred arm.
I don't know how I can live without her, I loved her more than the whole universe, she was the best mother in the world and had the kindest, most loving heart of anyone I know.

My only consolation is that when she was here earlier this year, she helped me try my dress on to see if it could be altered down (from a 12/14 to a 4/6 - My Mam handmade her veil and wedding dress when she married my dad in 1980, she was great at making clothes) and I have photos of me and her together. I hope to use her veil too.

Do any other brides know how I feel? How can I include her more in my day? How do I carry on?
The guilt about not marrying sooner is eating me alive.I cannot help but feel it should have been me and not her, she was just starting to get her life back, I will never have one.

I am crying writing this post, any advice is welcome.

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

My mum passed away in January 2015 and, although my fiancé and I had been together for three years we weren't engaged at the time, he proposed that March with one of my mum's rings. I did not have the pleasure of discussing my wedding with her, though like you I feel glad that she knew and loved my H2B so dearly, but I do understand the overwhelming sorrow at both losing your mother and planning a wedding without her.

The first thing I wanted to say is that it won't be easy and doesn't really get much easier with time but, rather, your ability to cope with it all will grow, and - somehow - you will be able to cope. Like you my mum was my confidante, my best friend. The loss of your greatest ally is painful and it is hard when you realise that you won't find the same kind of relationship again - not until we have our own grown-up children, at least.

Reading back through this it sounds awful (because it is) but it honestly does get better over time. I remember in the days afterward searching for my own retail therapy and the empty, hollow feeling and ringing in my ears. I couldn't believe that everyone else/ the world was going on around me like everything was supposed to be normal and OK when it never would be again. But today when I was out I bought some (bargain!) candle holders for table decorations and I was happy and thinking about the wedding gladly and pleased to have such a wonderful thing to look forward to.

I don't know what changed between then and now but the only thing really is time has passed. Though I couldn't imagine ever thinking about my wedding in a 'glad' way without sadness, I find now that I am able to. Life has moved on. Now that's not to say that I don't still achingly miss my mum every day - I do. Nor does it mean I don't often wish I could call her to to ask her advice or opinion, I still want to, several times a day. You will get flashes of jealousy when you see brides with their mums at bridal shops or wedding fairs. I'm saying this to reassure you that it is normal, and other people understand, and though it will always be tough you will be able to refocus and look forward to things (like your wedding) again.

As to things that have helped, I think the thing that helps me the most is knowing that what she would want most in the world is for me to be happy and looking forward to my wedding day. She can't be there, and that sucks, but wanting to make her happy has been a big thing in my path to OK-ness. I want to plan a great day and have a great time because that's what she would have wanted. I am using the creative and artistic talents she gave and nurtured in me as much as I can, making dresses, centerpieces, decorations and the wedding stationery. Though I miss her more every day she is with me in all the little things I do and that makes me happy.

I hope this has been of some comfort. Know that you are not alone and you can vent or cry here at any time. Try to look for the positives in each day and have hope - do it for her :)

Oh and next time your friend tries to blag a stay tell him to jog on. You are allowed, you need to be selfish at this time. Take care of yourself how she would have done so that her life is carried on and not forgotten. Good luck sweetheart xx

So sorry for your loss xx

Celtic_queen my friends and family loved it. I had some really positive responses. They all said what a wonderful tribute it was for her. X

Hi Celtic_queen, I am very sorry for your loss. All the ladies above have offered some amazing advice. A friend of mine got married two years ago and he lost his own mum to cancer, on the table where he had the card box he put a lovely candle with some wording on it dedicated to her and some lovely photos of them together. There are plenty of ways to include her and remember her on your big day and I am 100% certain that she will be with you be your side. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time xxx

CQ I'm sort sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you lots of hugs

Take each day as it comes, slowly it will get easier. Don't do anything you don't feel ready for. Your so called "friend" can go do one with his girlfriend, how selfish and insensitive of them.

Remember everyone on here will be here if you feel you need to talk about things and how you're feeling xxx