I am in need of you advice again, please bare with me last night was a long night one which I do not intend to have again.
So me and the H2B sat down last night as his request as he wanted to discuss the wedding plans so far. So to provide you with a background I chose the date due to sentimental reasons, we agreed on the church, he found the venue and I loved it. So far the only things that have been booked are the church, the venue and a horse and carriage. We had also agreed on a guest list of 75 for the day.
Things I have looked at and researched are florist, cars, photography and video. As we will soon be approaching the 18 month mark and I know that is normally where you have to get your butt into gear. So I come home and agree to sit down and talk and this is what was said.
We need to start planning off the same page. ( Yes I will agree we haven't exactly done that at the moment) The guest list should be trimmed as 75 is too much and we will do this be ranking people with points We should get out gift list through Amaz0n as for every 250 spent we get 50 for free I should look into having my make up and hair done by a trainee I should arrive in a generic car and there is no need to get a car for the bridesmaids We shouldn't mention the wedding when getting quotes He is banning wedding talk on booking or deposits for 6 months I am not allowed any wedding magazines as they will make me want things I don't need We can only discuss the wedding for one night a week where it will be research.
I am the only one who thinks some of the things above are ridiculous!! I sat there crying last night and he didn't understand why I was crying. Please help!!!
CommentAuthorFlossie
His first point was that you need to start planning off the same page... yet everything listed below that is things he is practically demanding and not taking your thoughts into consideration at all. I think he is being very unfair x
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorSusanM34
Do you think he could be nervous about the wedding now that it's getting real and all being booked? Also, do you have the money to be able to have what you want? Personally, if my OH said all of that to me I would be devastated! Especially if it was agreed to in the first place! Xx
Became Mrs Maunders on 22nd October 2016!
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
We have worked out a savings plan with the time we have till the wedding and we can comfortably afford the wedding we would like.
CommentAuthorSusanM34
If the horse and carriage is already booked then surely you will loose money by not having that and going for a generic car? Unless I read that bit wrong! If I were you, I would leave it a couple of days to calm down and then ask him to sit down for a heart to heart. Make sure he hears how his demands are making you feel. I'd also ask him why he's had this change of heart. Xx
this sounds like the exact same conversation/argument that I had with H2B, its actually scary for similar! He told me I didn't need the princess wedding that I was planning (we actually had a less than 24 hour break up over it). We sat down and i made a list of everything thats needed and then asked him how much he thought the full budget should be. I then asked him how much each thing individually should be and he realised it added up to much more than he thought. And he realised I wasn't planning a princess wedding but everything was as budgeted as I could possibly get it (our guest list is the same as yours 75 for the day) and that I have a large family and large numbers come with that, he knew that when he proposed.
I hope you two manage to sort this out, it is incredibly difficult.
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
and also his banning you even having wedding magazines is ridiculous! I would tell him to shove off you can read what you want!
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
He wants me to have a standard car with the horse and carriage instead of having a designated wedding car as the horse's can't make the full distance. I might take your suggestion Nicola and get him to see the prices of each individual thing, I have been trying to save money where I can, I am even buying most of my accessories second hand to save money.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
i know what you mean, I've been doing the same, saving money wherever possible, he hasn't even looked up quotes to have an idea so he thought i was pulling prices from the air which I obviously wasn't
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
I've been getting quotes and finding out how much deposits are so we can find the best prices by us. I found out the average prices in the area we are in and used that as my base but trying to get cheaper where I can.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
yep and I bet he hasn't looked into it at all? Him and my H2B could be the same person i swear! ahaha I managed to get mine to understand so hopefully it will work out for you two ok as well x
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorFayeJ67
I'd have told him to shove the wedding where the sun doesnt shine and walked out. Those are very unreasonable demands and I dont react well to people demanding things from me. If he had asked and given sensible reasoning behind them then I would listen but demanding just gets my back up.
Also if this is how he is over the wedding then what is married life going to be like? Is it going to be a constant stream of him demanding and you capitulating dispite the fact it makes you unhappy?
I realy think you need to put your strong woman knickers on and have it out with him, his demands are unreasonable (except maybe the car one)
CommentAuthorLaurenD45
My h2b was freaking out about costs at the start but now is realising how much everything costs. He is in fact the one pushing the budget but that's always been the case, I hold the purse strings. Chances are he's just terrified about the entire thing, the cost the whole day and the attention, he doesn't want it to get out of hand and he wants control in some way. I wouldn't worry about it he will settle down and it will be fine, it's just momentary panic. My h2b doesn't like me talking wedding as it freaks him out but at the same time he understands.
Give him a few days to cool and then talk with him again x
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
He isn't normally like this which is why it is so devastating, he did try to put it in a nice way but it felt like he was ripping the day apart and we haven't really made much progress.
Normally he is such a gentleman and will consider my feelings above everything else. I want to work this out straight away but I will leave it a couple of days as you have suggested and see what happens then after a heart to heart.
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
I am also more than happy to compromise with the car within reason but I said to him I wouldn't want to turn up to my wedding reception after being squished in the back of his parents car!! I said I would quiet happily ask my Grandad to pop some ribbons on the family minibus and put the bridesmaids in that (I think it would be quite funny but a nice touch at the same time)
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
Stacey, I actually think the minibus is a cute idea, dress it up a little bit and it will be great. Like you have said above about your H2B usually being such a gentleman, it's the same with mine, he just got freaked out at the idea of all that money being spent and didn't know how to approach the subject. Sit it down and hash it out and it should be ok x
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorLynseyH10
H2b has been quite laid back over booking things. He has been the suggesting we pay the deposits on things now.
My mum has been the one freaking out over the cost of things. The dress was a major stress, adamant I wasn't having a £1000 dress. Her attitude really upset me and I was dreading shopping with her. It was actually really fun, and mum didn't bat an eyelid paying £1020 for the wedding dress.
I think your h2b is being really unfair. And in some cases very petty, banning wedding magazines is one example.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
Also Stacey, I think that the banning on paying deposits for six months might be a bad idea as a lot of places actually get booked up 2 years in advance so deposits being put down earlier is better x
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
The deposits one is my main concern as we may lose our chance to get a supplier who has the perfect package for us. I understand that he wants to leave it a while and save but we can always save and pay little bits at the same time.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
thats what we are doing, we are paying just the deposits, as little as we can get away with, and speaking to the suppliers about payment plans and when payment has to be done by. Then saving each month to pay it off according to the plan and also if you book earlier you will have more time to pay off the rest before the wedding x
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorFlossie
I agree, it's best to get deposits down as soon as possible to secure the bookings otherwise you'll find a lot of suppliers will get booked up. We put deposits down ASAP then had the rest of the time to save up the remaining balances - it really helped being able to spread the cost as well, rather than paying for everything in one lump sum.
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
I am totally bamboozled by it all and the sudden change I really want to know where it spans from and for him to be honest with me. I have ever considered taking on another job to ease the potential stress of affording things but I won't be making the extra effort if he is going to be like this.
CommentAuthorMrsC2Be
wow so when he said we should talk about the wedding, what he actually meant is he is going to tell you and you have to agree with his opinion about the wedding.
He said that your not allowed any magazines but i really think you should get one so he can actually do research about them and read about other peoples weddings so he can get an idea on how it all works. I think hes been pretty unkind and unthoughtful.
Maybe ones hes researched weddings and understands them abit more you can have another chat and come to an agreement about things together xx
Met In Lanzarote April 2013
Engaged In Rome February 2016
Getting Married In Scotland May 2017
CommentAuthorMichelleC961
Omg - I woukd seriously question what h will be like to you when you are married- as Faye said- I woukd have been out the door and calling him and names too- totally unreasonable! It's meant to be a happy time planning- yes daunting and stressful too but if you can't get through this the no hope when actually married! It's odd that wedding do weird things to people
Time for a seriously talk to him about ho off the mak he is! Xx
CommentAuthorMaxineP89
He seems very quick at telling you what you can and cant have - has he given a list of all the things he is going to sacrifice?
I think he needs a reality check. I would book things as early as possible to get the best prices. When we first looked at our venue, the package we wanted was costing £5500, its now increased to £7000, and that was in the space off 2 months over Christmas to valentines day.
I think you need to have another chat.
You obviously love each other, so don't lose sight of that, but marriage is all about compromise - on both sides.
Hope you get it sorted hunni
Looking forward to becoming the 3rd and last Mrs McLauchlan
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
So we argued and talked last night and then it hit me where the 'problem' was. We are at two different ends of the ideal wedding scale Oh would like a very minimalist day few numbers with minimum spend where as the day won't be complete for me without all of my close family in the day. Now I tried to explain that I do not want to get into debt and I would like a simple wedding that we can afford but OH is determined to cut costs where he can. He wants to get quotes and book suppliers without mentioning that it is for a wedding which I don't think will work in anyway shape or form. I think this has highlighted some fundamental differences between us (normally we are scarily alike) however at the same time I think if we both compromise we can both have the day we want without one feeling hard done by. I explained to him that I don't want to be fighting against him (yes we might not agree on everything) it will probably be stressful but we should work together not against each other.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
family is a very important one for me and one that i will not compromise on. The majority of our 75 day guest list is my family. 2 places go to us, 27 go to friends and his family and the rest is my family. As you can imagine he doesn't always see why the guest list needs to be so large when all friends and his family are less than half but his whole family get to be there and I am already cutting a lot of my family out (I have a veeeery large family and I am struggling to get it down to 75) so I am not willing to cut it anymore just to suit his likings for a smaller budget or wedding.
It really is crazy, I honestly lived this argument 2 weeks ago. his idea of not saying things are for a wedding would work until you actually started going into detail of what you want. They will pick up on it unfortunately
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
That's exactly what I'm like its one day where I can have all my family around me and they can share in our wonderful day. The split is pretty much 50/50 balance between my family and his though so it would look stupid if he cut his family but mine stayed the same.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
But if he's the one willing to make the sacrifice that's his choice.If he is happy to cut his family that may show that he isn't as close to his family as you are yours. Why should you and your family miss out for his decisions. Sorry if i'm sounding a little harsh it's just I know how much family can mean to people and to those who aren't as close to theirs they don't fully understand x
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
It doesn't sound harsh at all Nicole, but we are singing from the same page lol. I'm going to give him some time to cool off and we have booked to go to a wedding fayre at our venue in two weeks time so I am hoping that may bring him back to reality with wedding planning because I really don't want it to be a struggle for us to reach a happy medium.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
that's a good idea :) like you said previously, he picked out the venue so maybe going back in and picturing it filled with your family and friends will help him x
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
CommentAuthorLynseyH10
My side of the guest list is far longer than my h2b. He isn't pleased but tough. My parents are paying for the venue so h2b can not complain. We did argue over the photographer but I won in the end. 95% of the time we are on the same wave length and he is laid back about things, just every now and again we hit a bump.
It really doesn't work trying to negotiate with suppliers without mentioning it's for a wedding. Your OH needs a reality check and realise he needs to suck it up.
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
I really would love for him to get a reality check but I don't know how to make him understand I will see how he is after the wedding fayre and if he hasn't improved I'll ask his Mum to have a word with him.
CommentAuthorMrsC2Be
yup its all about compromise!
You need to have all the people that are important to you, but maybe look at venues which are cheaper. Or get married on a weekday (we are getting married on a Thursday and will save almost half!!)
You should definitely inform suppliers its for a wedding, because if there terms are different they may cancel you last minute when they realise you didnt tell them, and you dont want that stress!! Just get lots of different quotes for venues, photographers MAU's etc and haggle with them! xx
Met In Lanzarote April 2013
Engaged In Rome February 2016
Getting Married In Scotland May 2017
CommentAuthorVelcro
what a bizarre list of requirements. You are not a child and he is not your mother, does he realise just how patronising he sounds? I'd of ended up telling him to shove it if that was me! If i want to spend 4 or 5 whole bloody pounds on a wedding magazine, then who is anyone to stop me spending a miniscule amount of my own money. Get lost pal. His requests are so unreasonable. A weekly wedding talk sounds cool, but banning all kind of weddign talk other than that, is he real? You need to get deposits booked asap as all the decent suppliers get booked up super early these days! Our venue was booked almost two years in advance!!
It is definitely all about compromise, but to me that original post just sounds like he is ordering you about, and not saying where he is compromising?
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorStaceyH989
We managed to make some progress last night, I found some budget saving tips of my own and one recommended making a wish list of where you won't compromise and where you will. I think it woke him up a bit as there are only four things I won't compromise on.
CommentAuthorNicoleW665
Glad to hear that Stacey, they don't mind leaving the hard part to us but then complaining about it do they ahaha
When we met: August 2009
When we announced engagement: December 2015
When we will get married: September 2017
