I was just after some advice over something, because I don't know what to do :-(
One of my bridesmaids is my friend from 6th form. It's a friendship that has lasted when I've lost touch with a lot of people, I was bridesmaid at her wedding and I'm also godmother to her two sons. She has been soooo supportive and loyal in the past and I asked her to be my bridesmaid to which she said yes, although we have drifted apart a bit over the last couple of years.
She is absolutely lovely, and I'm trying to find the words to put this as nicely as possible, but things seem to go wrong a lot in her life, and I'm beginning to feel like she will respond to the people who give her the most sympathy. She posts every minor thing on Facebook which I know has upset people, but as far as I'm concerned I will support her through it all.
I've tried so much in the past to help her out, particularly through her wedding. I live 3 and a half hours away from our hometown, but would come home whenever she needed me there, because in my mind, that's what friends do. I also paid for her first son's baby shower, and took out a loan in my name for her to have cosmetic work on her teeth for her wedding, on the promise that she would pay me the amount every month and I'd not notice any change because she'd pay it the day before the payments came out. In hindsight maybe I shouldn't have, because her and her husband are not great with finances (the reason they couldn't take the loan out themselves was because they had such poor credit history/ so many debts) and they went months with just not paying me because there was always some sort of drama that meant they couldn't. My now fiancé and I struggled ourselves, and managed to keep up payments JUST on our mortgage (we're talking over 200 pounds a month I was paying for her teeth), but I did it because I wanted her to be the happiest she could on her wedding day. I've wanted to be there for her, and came home to her second baby shower less than a week after having an emergency operation - loads of things, all because she is my friend, I love her and I wanted to be a good friend to her. When I wanted to choose her as a bridemsaid, my family and fiance were dead against it, saying that she'd used me and let me down and I argued that she wouldn't do that for my wedding.
My friend has had health difficulties throughout her three pregnancies, and I was obviously more than happy to work around this and planning my wedding/ getting bridesmaids together, she had her third son on August 6th - one year exactly before my wedding! Earlier on in her pregnancy, knowing later would be tougher for her, I desperately wanted all of my bridesmaids together for just one weekend where I live and whilst the other three were totally up for it, this one was more difficult about it. Initially she said that she didn't want to go anywhere without her husband so made the assumption I'd be happy to do all dress shopping down in our hometown. When I explained I just wanted one weekend here together, she did eventually come, and even though she brought her husband and stayed in a hotel because she didn't know the other girls and wanted her space, we had a good time dress shopping.
That was just one time, but throughout the whole process I don't think there has been one time that she's done something with all of us without some excuse why she can't make it or a big drama. She's absolutely fine if I meet up seperately with her, but it seems like, and I feel horrendous saying this, the minute that it isn't solely all about her she sends me massive long Facebook messages about how terrible things are for her and how she can't come out for what we've arranged, often last minute when myself and 2 other bridesmaids have made journeys of over 3 hours to be back i. our hometown where the wedding is. One example is dress shopping a couple of months ago where I absolutely had to get their dresses sorted and it was a rare time that they could actually all be together, and she sent me a massive long message the night before basically that she couldn't come because her son had been invited to a party and the other 2 children hadn't so she had no childcare for them as her husband hadn't arranged it, but that would be OK cause I could just do it all again seperately with her again on the Sunday... I said that we couldn't because we were food tasting and she did come in the end, but it was a day of not knowing if she would be staying or not as there was a drama going on with her mum and she might have to suddenly go. I believe she is only coming to one small part of my hen do which is fine as at least she'll be there for some of it, but I'm told that involved a massive long message to my maid of honour with lots more drama about why she couldn't come.
Last night I sent a group message to my bridesmaids to arrange dress fittings and again, she sent me a massive long message with lots of drama saying that she is now expecting baby no 4 and will be massive by the time of my wedding. I'm happy for her obviously, but I don't know what to do. She's made the assumption that she can just wear something else, but I wish she'd told me as soon as - the dresses weren't cheap and it's too late to change to a different size now. My mum is ringing the seamstress today to find out if it could be altered but we really don't have much money in the budget for that at all, especially as part of the reason we chose that dress was that she herself wanted something that would make her look good once she'd lost weight off her tummy and ordered it so that it wouldn't need to be taken in much. I really want them all looking the same - is that really selfish of me?
It's not just the dress though - I know from all of what was going on with her last pregnancy and the fact that she's told me that her health issues have come back this time round, she won't come out when I need her. I didn't see her for months before and did stuff with the other girls because every time there was, again, a massive pregancy related health issue and she was ill/ couldn't come etc which I understood but when she'd said that to me and then was posting on Facebook about how she'd had a lovely day out with friends etc it did hurt a bit. If I'm truly honest, and I feel sooooo awful even thinking this, it feels a bit like she wants the status of bridesmaid, but doesn't really want to be involved when it's not all revolving around her. There is a small part of me I think, again I feel awful thinking, but feeling like would it have killed her to wait a few months to have another baby, especially as her youngest is only 8 months and she knew my wedding was happening?
So many people have been telling me all the way through to ditch her, but I didn't want to because I know she'd be upset and I don't want that to happen. Maybe I'm just being mega selfish - I don't know? But at the same time, I'm worrying about the dresses and the day and needing her and her not being there. If I am totally honest, it feels a bit like she has been distant because I'm not revolving everything around her - in the past that has caused friendships between her and our other friends to dwindle but I want her as my bridesmaid - I want her to still be an important part of my wedding. I don't believe that I've helped her out and she owes me or anything like that, and don't get me wrong, I am really happy for her and her news.
Sorry this is such a long message. Any advice massively appreciated :) xxxx
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
She sounds like one or two people I know who always have to be the victim, and who have to be the centre of attention as a result. I think there is maybe an insecurity there. It's surprising that she's had another baby so soon, particularly if she's had difficult pregnancies. Was it definitely planned? I'm concerned about the loan, not that there is much you can do about it. Is there a written agreement that they will pay? If not, could you get one? I can't help feeling that your friends are right and she used you there. I don't suppose you can ask her to pay for alterations to the dress herself, as it's because of her it needs altering. I don't think you're being selfish, you deserve your wedding and all the preparations to be about you. I think you will have to rely on the other bridesmaids and make the best you can of the situation. It may even be that you ask one or two people to play along with her and look out for her so she does feel like she is getting attention, while other people can focus on you.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorSusanM34
I agree with Elinor, ask her to pay for the alterations. If this causes an issue then I think you have the answer you're looking for! It's your wedding and your special day. Make sure it is all about you, you'll only do it once. x
Became Mrs Maunders on 22nd October 2016!
CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
Thanks ladies :-) I've sent her a message very carefully worded just explaining that the dresses weren't cheap and therefore she will need to pay for her alterations - she saw it this morning but has not yet responded. If she doesn't reply I think I'll know what she's saying :-/ xx
CommentAuthorMichelleC961
To be honest I think you know the answer deep in your heart- if I'm being honest she sounds like a complete liability and I Woukd be worried that there would be some drama on the day that would take it away from you and make it be all about her. To me it sounds like she needs ditching and I think you have the excuse now that she will be too big no a,ternate ones can be made unless she pays for them and you don't want her to wear anything else.0, she cN like it or lump it.
I think perhaps she's just looking for an excuse to be ditched too!
Sorry if I sound harsh but she really don't sound like much off a friend at all to me. You sound such a lovely person who sees the good in everyone, but I really think she knows it and has taken advantage of you big style. Hope you decided to do what it right for the sake of your and your OHs special magical day xx
I don't think you are being harsh at all :-) She messaged me back last night saying she doesn't think she should be a bridesmaid anymore - best possible outcome I think, bad as I feel saying that! xxxx
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
Great that she has said that herself. It takes the decision out of your hands.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorFutureMrsW
Oh I'm so glad it has resolved itself in the best possible way with the least drama. Don't feel bad about feeling relieved, she is responsible for the behaviour that's all led to this, not you x
CommentAuthorSusanM34
Glad you have a resolution. You probably feel more relieved that she made the choice and you didn't have to. x
Became Mrs Maunders on 22nd October 2016!
CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
Yeah I really do :-) I feel a lot better as I think had it carried on that would have possibly affected our friendship. The other 3 have just been brilliant and really supportive which to be honest I can go forwards for the last few months knowing that I have an absolutely cracking bunch of bridesmaids who are all totally up for it :-) xxxx
CommentAuthorAnikaM60
You're very understanding. Glad it all worked out. Hope you were able to return the dress in the end.
CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
Well it's taken a bit of a turn all this! Feeling gutted :-( We weren't unable to return the dress in the end :-( I'm hoping to have it taken in so I can have it though.
So she messaged me a couple of days before my hen do and said she couldn't come because of a) health issues, b) financial issues and c) she wouldn't be able to take part in what we were doing because she was pregnant. Yes it would have been lovely to see her but I totally understood. When it got to the hen do, we played bingo, painted plates, went to a spa (where some people who were self-conscious about being in a cossie had manicures and had a coffee in the bar instead), had 2 lovely meals out and spent a good afternoon on Brighton Pier. Nothing that she couldn't have done because of being pregnant. I understood health issues and financial issues but that felt like she was making excuses.
The photos were all going on Facebook and she messaged me on the Sunday saying she hoped I was having the best time and she would have spoiled it by being ill etc. Nice of her, I didn't reply straight away though as I was still hen-doing and by the time I got home I was shattered and genuinely forgot to reply. The next day she messaged me asking if her messages were getting through - I couldn't reply straight away as I was at work but all day she bombarded me with messages. When I got home I said to her that it was amazing thanks, best weekend ever, to which she replied were we ok, presumably because I'd not said that the whole thing was rubbish without her there, I don't know.
Anyway I won't bore you with the ins and outs but there were various back and forth messages where I was perfectly OK with her, but because I wasn't declaring her as the love of my life, she kept wanting to know why we weren't OK. Eventually she said that she was getting mixed messages and if I didn't message her to say we were OK by the day after, she'd assume that I didn't want her at the wedding or in my life.
So as you lovely ladies know, working full time and planning a wedding is a pretty full on occupation, and so because I wanted to talk to her properly I took a few days to write her a message about how I was feeling and everything in the nicest way I could. I explained to her that I was writing a message but wanted to do it properly so she would have to bear with me as I was having dress fittings/ bridesmaids weekends etc but she constantly kept messaging asking why I was ignoring her and that she couldn't believe I couldn't take the time to let her know that I was OK. I sent the message to her before it was really finished. Her response was to make out that she had all these health issues and she possibly couldn't come and that I didn't understand etc (I have ME - I totally understand). So that she didn't think I was ignoring her again, I sent a message back straight away just clarifying that I wasn't annoyed that she hadn't come out because of health issues - it was because she'd decided that my bridesmaids weren't worth knowing so had left the Facebook group I'd set up and all of that (in her message she'd put my bridesmaids and my mum down) and also that it would have been good that she could have told me she was trying for a baby went we went to choose the dresses as I'd lost nearly £200. Her response was again to accuse me of not understanding her health issues and accuse me of not being the understanding person she thought I was and that my message was cold. She said she couldn't have anyone in her life except close family and friends and she'd have hoped that I could understand that (as if I was supposed to sack my other bridesmaids so that she was the only one!) She then went on to say I was saying that she should just put her health issues on hold/ choose when she had them. I then got how my wedding was only one day and there was a whole life after my wedding and a quite snotty comment that it's clear that I'm spending every minute of my day on my wedding (well yeah - it's less than a month away). I'd said to her that I wanted to draw a line under everything and she challenged that and asked why I was bringing stuff up if I didn't want to draw the line, stuff like that - just every time bringing it back to how hard her life is etc and how I didn't understand.
My response was to explain to her that she'd felt I was ignoring her when I'd spent longer on the message, but as I was planning lessons and trying to do a million and one things at once my second message may have come across as cold purely for that reason. I just went on to say that I'd tried so hard to support her but I felt very caught in between a rock and a hard place (I pointed out that when I'd said to her about meeting my bridesmaids she was upset because I didn't understand that she couldn't meet new people because of anxiety but when I'd warned her that at a do I was having she might not know people and apparently that was me saying to her that I didn't want her to come). She didn't reply to that message.
So she'd not replied to the RSVP even though the date had come and gone, and we'd sent her another invitation because she 'never received hers'. So I sent her a polite reminder - she ignored it. I sent her another - she ignored it. On Friday my mum rang her and she ignored that so Mum tried again. Then on Saturday I got this:
'We haven't rsvpd because we won't be attending and your template messages have said only reply if we are coming which we aren't. Please ask your mum to stop calling. All the best for your big day.'
I just said 'no problem, thanks for letting us know'.
Unfortunately, I feel like she's shown her true colours and it's been a big smack in my face to realise that I tried so much to help her and with my wedding to accommodate everything around her, but she just couldn't think about me. It feels like the whole friendship was based on what was in it for her. I feel angry and I feel hurt and EVERYONE has told me to move on and forget her, but I am finding it really really hard to. I don't know that I will miss her on the wedding day, I suppose I feel sad about the situation.
Sorry ladies I really needed to get that off my chest even if nobody reads it lol! xxxxx
I'm sorry that you are having such problems so near to your wedding, it's not fair for anyone to add more stress to what is an incredibly stressful time already. To be honest I would say good riddance and that you might look back on this as being a blessing in the end. High maintenance friends are so draining.
Met: 2nd September 2012
Engaged: 3rd January 2015
Wedding day: 2nd September 2017
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
That's a shame, although it does sound like you will have less stress without her. She's determined that everything is worse for her than everything else. Does she still owe you money for having her teeth done?
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorDanielleS0709
Omg! What a selfish person to say and do all that weeks before your wedding!! If I were you I'd let her know exactly how you feel then leave it at that and ignore her. If your friendship truly means anything to her then she will know where to find you. Can't believe how selfish that was.
21st May 2016 xxx
CommentAuthorVelcro
Didn't want to read and run, but she sounds like a narcissist tbh hun, maybe a clean break from her is the best outcome all round, from what you have said you have bent over backwards for this girl, and she will soon realise the mistake she has made for cutting you out of her life. You don't need dead wood though hun, and that is all she seems to be as harsh as that sounds. And please tell me she eventually paid you back for her bloody teeth!
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorStephanieM158
Id suggest like others have said asking her to pay for alterations.
Im shocked at how selfish shes being, you seem so calm and collective about all this Id be fuming. My friend is the exact same, she always has something worse going on that what you do, its like a competition for the most sympathy. I bought my bridesmaid a size 18 £235 bridesmaid gown, she must have lied to me about her size as everytime i get her something to try on it doesnt fit. I had to cut the label out of a size 20 dress and it fitted fine. Then she put weight on and is expecting me to pay for it...... excuse the pun but fat chance of that happening. (I feel awful for my use of words there)
Im sick of the drama, I told her to pay for the alterations as I dont have time to sort it out. My best advice to you is let her sort it out or just let her go. You have enough on your plate without the added stress of her problems. Sorry I couldnt offer any more advice for u xxxxx Good Luck.
Met 2004
Engaged 2014
Getting Married 2016
CommentAuthorStephanieM158
And I totally didnt read you response halfway down the page!!! Sorry. What a horrible person to do that to you before your wedding. Let her come back to you, dont chase her up. Oooh I feel so bad for you..... horrible attention seeker.
Met 2004
Engaged 2014
Getting Married 2016
CommentAuthorLouiseyweesey
edited
Bless you ladies :-) Thank you, I've been going over and over in my mind if I'm in the wrong but reading your replies I'm thinking that she really has been out of order. Luckily she did pay the teeth money back yeah - well I say she did, she got her dad to pay me with the money he got from selling his house - however even though I'd mentioned that we needed money, it was only when it was convenient for them to pay off all their creditors before starting a plan with one of those 'help you with debt' companies. In my messages to her I explained that we had really struggled because of the payments coming out, and her response was that at the time I'd said we had savings so clearly her and me had a different idea of financial hardship. :-/
It sounds silly but it almost feels like I've ended a 10 year relationship. We were close - so close that I'm godmother to 2 of her children - it's very hard to accept that a) we aren't close anymore, and that she isn't going to be at my wedding and b) she has behaved like she has and then tried to make it out to be me in the wrong. I'm trying really hard to move on and just accept she is not the person I thought she was (nobody in my mind speaks to their friend like that) - I'm very mixed up about it all - half of me is so angry and hurt and don't think that I could have a proper friendship with her now and if she should message me about meeting up I'd be very reluctant to get involved with her again, but equally half of me just wants to ring her up and say sorry and that I really want go back to how it was before :-(
xxxx
CommentAuthorStephanieM158
Times change and so do people. Sometimes its hard letting go of things we had but in this case I personally think ts better for you to do so. It will hurt at first but come your big day you'll be so busy chatting to people and spending time with your hubby you'll not notice her absence. Chin up hun, youre doing the right thing xx
Met 2004
Engaged 2014
Getting Married 2016
CommentAuthorMichelleC961
Sounds like you have been shown her true colours of a self centered controlling brat who clearly had already made up her mind but didn't want to say so and has waited and probed and manipulated the situation to try and make you look and feel bad- she needs to get over herself
One very lucky escape your bad there!
Hopefully she is one less stress for you to worry about and you can enjoy your day xx
