Hi ladies. Really looking to let off some steam and ask what you would do.
I have been beyond desperate for a baby of my own for several years, even before I got together with my fiancé. We have now been together for 5 years and for the last 2 years I have made no secret of how deep my feeling of longing for a baby goes. About a year ago there was a huge discussion about this after I burst into tears at the mere sight of a newborn in a restaurant and tried to explain how I felt. At the time he said it was a case do I could have a baby or I could have him. There would be no baby before the wedding.
So I have tried so hard to keep how I felt about this quiet to be sure to not pressure him. A couple of months ago he tells me he loved me and said let's make a baby. Well my baby brain went into over drive and thought we were going to try conceive a baby of our own. He meant nearer to our wedding which is not for another 18 months.
In December my period was late and he wasn't in a panic. He said if I was pregnant then we would just deal with it and get on with things. It wasn't freaking it out as usual. I took a test which was negative and got my period a few days later so definitely not pregnant.
On Christmas Day his sister who has been in a relation ship for about 8 months announces she is 10 weeks pregnant. To say I am insanely jealous is an understatement and to be honest I am utterly devastated that it is her and not me.
Since then I have done nothing but burst into tears and feel like I am suffering from anxiety and actually have moment where I have to stop to concentrate on breathing because I am becoming so panicked and upset over everything. He is saying the reason he wants to wait is because it makes more sense to have a baby after we are married because then we have a stable secure relationship and finances will be better and he is just old fashioned. However every time I burst into tears he asks me what he can do to make me feel better but the one thing he can do he refuse to do and that makes me want to turn round and tell him where to get off.
I am beyond frustrated at the moment and just feel so sick and emotional and can't sleep because of all of this. I also now don't know how I am going to be able to be around my FSIL and BM for the next 6 months until she had the baby without bursting into tears.
I love him more than I can say and want him to be the father of my children but can my relationship really stand this stress for 18 months? X
CommentAuthorCatherineR
Bless you, you seem so down about all this. If it was 2 years ago,maybe sit down with him and re-assess? It's obvious that this is something you desperately want and it's not going to go away especially with you SIL up the duff now. If you got pregnant, it would be over well before the wedding too if you fell sometime in the next 6 months :) If that's not possible, maybe scale it down and bring the wedding forward? xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorCamilaL
I feel really sorry about what you've been trough. :/ I'm really crazy about having a baby too, but I also know that, for now, I can't. In your case, you both need to be ready and in the same page to bring a baby to this world. I understand you completely, but I also understand him. I know my parents would never understand me if I got pregnant before the wedding (or even right after it). Try to talk to him and get an explanation about the reasons he decide to wait that long. Show him how frustrate you are feeling and, hopefully, you both together will find a way to make it work. Don't hesitate to come here to talk and share with us what you're feeling. I've got really worried about you and really hope everything goes alright! xx
CommentAuthorFlossie
edited
I hope none of this comes across as harsh because it's not meant to, but I think you need to take a step back and look at what you already have in your life. You have a man who you love and who loves you back, a man who wants to marry you and who DOES want a baby with you in the very near future.. 18 months really isn't that long on the grand scale of things. It might seem like a lifetime to you right now but I would continue to make the most of the time you and your OH have together as just the two of you, before you have nappies and night feeds to worry about etc! It's not as if he is saying he just doesn't want a baby with you.. he does want one, just not immediately. If you are arguing and falling out about it then maybe he's right to want to wait, a baby isn't going to 'fix' things or make everything perfect. I think you need to feel settled and happy with your life now before you commit to having a baby and you both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet.
I understand how hard it must be when you are so desperate for a baby, but you shouldn't be feeling soo upset and down about this and find it hard to look at other babies. It's not like you physically can't have one and will never have one, you just need to be patient, concentrate on what you have now, throw all your efforts into planning one of the best days of your life to take your mind off it, and just enjoy life now.
Everything you say Flossie makes perfect sense and I have tried to do that and tried to tell myself that 18 months isn't a long time but the last year has been like hell for me. It's exhausting trying to pretend you are happy with everything you have. And I will be honest I wouldn't change a single thing about our life except for the lack of a baby.
My big concern is that I never fell pregnant with my ex in almost 3 years of not using any protection and I do worry. I know the nhs Wong even consider testing my fertility until we have been trying for a year and so I am now going to pay for private testing to be sure that that is one less worry off my mind before the wedding or go in to the marriage knowing we need help to conceive. I feel that I don't want to waste precious time trying for a baby if I can't conceive and maybe I should have been tested when I was with my ex. Unfortunately my fiancé wasn't raised to talk about his feelings so discussions like this can be like pulling teeth. I'm not sure he actually grasps just how much I am hurting. If he is looking to be financially stable I think he is looking in the wrong place because once baby comes along financial stability mo longer exists.
CommentAuthorFlossie
I think you've hit the nail on the head as to why you feel so emotional about it then, because you're not sure if you can actually have a baby. I think it will be well worth the money to get tested privately, at least this will give you peace of mind then and you can put a plan of action together and actually have something real to look forward to, rather than wondering "what if". I'm a total over thinker so I know how something like this plays on your mind and affects you every day no matter how much you try to forget about it. I think you are doing the sensible thing by not just sweeping it under the carpet xx
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
I need to do something before I go mad. I waited for him to propose. I let him pick a 2016 wedding date instead of 2015 because he wants us to to it debt free very sensible I know and know I feel like I am paying the ultimate price while he gets what he wants. I just feel like I am constantly waiting on someone else to say it's ok and time to do this while I am slowly falling apart xx
CommentAuthorFlossie
edited
I think that's just life hun! I'm desperate for a lot of things in life but money is a set back.. we're not at the right point in our lives at the mo for a lot of things to happen and sometimes it does feel like we're just playing a waiting game which I know is horrible. It will happen though and when it does happen it will be at the perfect time. I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason.
You've just got to remember you're not on your own; you are in this together xx
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorCoralLeigh2016
edited
Hey sweetie,
I thoroughly understand your anxiety around trying for a baby....we are both super broody but want to try holding off until after the wedding as we want to enjoy our time together for a bit longer without having a little one around. BUT I would really try considering your options when it comes to privately testing your fertility.....if you get a devastating result this MAY seriously impact on your mental wellbeing and emotional state, thus putting serious amounts of pressure on your current relationship with H2B. Personally I would maybe try seeing your GP with your H2B and explaining how this is all making you feel, and maybe trying to see a counsellor to help you with your current anxiety surrounding babies/fertility. I think this may be the best way to move forward as you may find that it will help you to relax and by doing this will increase changes of natural conception as being stressed doesn't help things inside down there :)
I really wish you all the best and good luck with the future impending wedding :) if you need to talk us ladies are always here :) xxx
CommentAuthorthefuture:Mrs_Hurren
I know how you feel about being upset when you see babies, hear of pregnancies etc However in my case I was told at 18 the chances of conceiving naturally were very low if not impossible. (i have fallen pregnant since but unfortunately it ended at a few weeks)This was fine until i met oh, didn't bother me too much I got on with it. However in the last few years I've struggled more and more with every announced pregnancy. in that time I've had 6 cousins and too many to count friends/colleagues have children. Speaking from experience you sound emotionally unstable over all of this.so i really do feel for you
However you have to look at the bigger picture hun, 18 months is nothing in the rest of your life. For example have you thought about how you will fund the wedding if only one of you is working, you have already said he wanted 2016 instead of 2015 so you can do it debt free so imagine having debt and a baby if you where to have a child now thats not a good situation to bring a child into. Also what if you do fall pregnant in a few months and your child should be born poorly. you could still be in hospital at the time of your planned wedding.
I know better than most how hard it is and if you want to chat im here for you. x
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
I can relate too. I've always wanted to be a mum, but my religious beliefs meant I wouldn't even lose my virginity until the wedding, which was last August. We couldn't realistically have done it any sooner, we only met and got engaged in 2012 and we both had a lot going on. Then we had a big Christmas project which meant it's only now that we can think about upsizing, which we need to do before trying for a baby. My husband is agreed that we want to try as soon as we have moved, but I don't think he has the same sense of urgency as me. I'm 32, so I know that I'm already past the peak age, and I'm terrified of leaving it too late. Can I ask how old you are? If you are still in your twenties then you still have plenty of time. Does your husband know that you didn't conceive with your ex? Were you consciously trying at that point? It may be that if you weren't actually trying then you didn't time it with your fertile times, or didn't take enough general care of your health. It probably is worth getting tested though if you can afford it, even just for your own peace of mind.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
hi elinor. im 31. My fiance is aware of the situation with my ex but says that maybe there was a problem with him..that may be the case but I will never know. I had a very active sex life with my ex partner and we and sex probably 4-5 times a week. there was no way we missed my ovulation period. any debt we would have getting married this year would have been fairly minimal, 2-3k which is what will be saved in the 12 months before the wedding. I couldn't even care about a honey moon at this point i would give it all up to have this baby. I know i sound quite selfish but i feel like he is being selfish also x
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
It might be worth reminding your H2B about the female biological clock. I think because men don't have the same deadline they don't understand the urgency that we feel, or the strength of the urge to have children. I don't see why you would need to bring the wedding forward to have a baby if it isn't for 18 months, you could have an adorable flower girl or page boy by then, and could easily have lost the baby weight. It does have to be a joint decision though. You just need to keep talking it through with him I suppose. Maybe a couples counsellor could help.
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
We have had a good chat and decided to go to a counselling as I need him to open up and talk more and be able to understand where I am coming from and I think i also need someone to help me rationalise things for myself. I have also booked fertility tests at a private clinic to give myself peace of mind and I can go forward with an answer one way or another and know if ther is a problem or not that I need to be concerned about, my fiancé is aware of this and supportive that I have taken that step for me. Thanks for all the advice ladies xx
CommentAuthorCatherineR
That's a positive thing, I'm so glad you guys are working on your relationship :) good luck! xx
Married my wife on 15.08.15
Honeymooned on the Isles of Scilly :)
CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
That's the point of marriage though isn't it? to work through the difficult times and come to a point where you can both agree. I'm not saying it's easy it definately isn't. A bit of me wants to punch him for being selfish and another bit of me falls in love all over again when i'm bawling my eyes out and he is stroking my hair and telling me how much he loves me. Then i want to punch him for being so cute and sweet. I won't punch him he is way too pretty to do that to and i love him to much to do that but he does drive me mad even though i am a wreck xx
