Hi, me and my partner are planning on getting married 2016, and my partners parents have kindly offered to pay for the wedding which I am eternally grateful for. But now I am starting too look at venues and look at different ideas, my partners mum is shooting down every idea I have, but I don't want to say anything because she is paying. Im getting upset about it because I don't want an over the top wedding but I would like it somewhere nice and the way I want it. But my partners mum has other ideas. I am really thinking about postponing the wedding till me and my partner can pay fir it ourselves so we can have it exactly how we want it. HELPPPPPPP
CommentAuthorFlossie
Never let anyone dictate how your wedding should be! That decision should solely be yours and your partners. I would politely say to your future MIL that although you are extremely grateful for the offer of the money you feel she is trying to take control of the wedding and you really don't want that, so if she persists with doing this then you would rather delay the wedding and pay for it yourself. Maybe get your partner to have a word with her to save the confrontation xx
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorKatieH
Met in 2007
Started dating in 2009
Got engaged in 2014
Became Mrs Holme 11.06.16
CommentAuthorKatieH
I would let your partner know how you are feeling and see if he would have a word with his mum x
Met in 2007
Started dating in 2009
Got engaged in 2014
Became Mrs Holme 11.06.16
CommentAuthorSamiH92
MY PARTNER worships his mother, so im not sure he would say anything. She really is just trying to help but her job (fundraiser, so she plans ALOT of events and has the final say) doesn't help because that's the way she is. Its awful because I hate confrontation.... especially when shes saved up around 8GRAND for the wedding. x
Also she has made a final guest list. and she has only invited my partners side of the family and my mum and dad.... really annoyed about this.
CommentAuthorVelcro
why is she having a say in the guest list? or is it jut a case of crossed wires and is expecting you to add your own to it?
Id be telling h2b to have a word, financial help shouldnt come with strings attached. that's not fair. they help because they want to, not so they feel like they have a right to dictate how your day goes.
aS for him worshiping her, remind him who he will have to live with the rest of his life, he should be on your side always, unless you have done something uncalled for!
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorEmmaH444
This sounds like a nightmare. It's good of them to offer to pay but you have to decide if it's really worth it if you get the wedding they want, not what you and your partner want x
Met 29/3/2006
Engaged 24/8/13
Married 26th August 2016
CommentAuthorFlossie
If you go along with it and her plans then you will only regret it in the future. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Just sit down with her and explain how you are feeling xx
Happily married
18th June 2016
xx
CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
It's not your FMIL that is getting married, you and your H2B are. I agree with the above. You need to sit her down and say that you are extremely grateful for her gift but the decision on venue is between you and your H2B. If this makes her unhappy then maybe delaying it until you can afford it yourself isn't such a bad idea.
It for reasons like this my OH and I decided we would be paying for everything ourselves, complete control. Not because we're contro freaks but we don't want to feel like we owe something to someone or feel obligated to go with their opinions when we don't agree.
Met in Nov 2005
Engaged 13th June 2013
Becomes Mrs Stewart on 10th Aug 2015 Honeymoon in Florida!
My Diary Thread: My Alice in Wonderland Wedding Diary
CommentAuthorSamiH92
I don't think so Velcro as my H2B's mother hasn't told me to add to the guest list, baring in mind she's had the guest list over the past 4months. Also me and his mum has always gotten on, but even with my children she is always trying to 'take over' but I have been to nice and soft, and have given into it. I just seems to be easier if we saved up and postponed the wedding another year so we could pay for it ourselves. I just feel awful! MIL to be also wants an evening wedding and a cheap reception, but me and my h2b would love and afternoon wedding, then a Vintage'y afternoon tea (instead of 3 course meal) and then a buffet/Hogroast for the evening 'do'. But his mother said she wants to spend HER money elsewhere instead of blowing it on the reception. A nd I no if I try talking to her about it she will feel like Im not grateful or being nasty to her. which I certainly arnt, I just want a WEDDING DAY, NOT A WEDDING NIGHT. I want the full sch'bang.
CommentAuthorVelcro
edited
victoria, that is why we wouldnt accept any money off his parents. they paid for the phototgrapher, but that was offered two years ago before it all kicked off, but in the last 6 months or so they kept offering help and then giving us grief if we asked, so we just stopped bothering, i said im not being indebted to them in anyway, if they gave us more money toward the wedding we'd have it thrown back in our faces for bloody ever! My mums thankfully helped loads and happily lets us get on with it to spend where we see fit! families eh!!
Sami, let her spend HER money where she wants, she clearly doesn't care about what you both want, and you obviously know exactly what that is too, then I think it may be best to postpone it and at least you can just throw her excuse back at you, 'well we want this, so we are going to save up for it, thank you for your kind offer, but I think it may be best we wait so we can have that' ehhhhhhhhhh
Id be asking where all my family was on this list as well!!!!
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
*Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
CommentAuthorSamiH92
yep, Velcro I think me and my h2b are going to say 'thanks, but no thanks'. then no one can use it against us, and we will have the wedding day whether it be next yr, or in 10years time, we will have the wedding day we want.
CommentAuthorLinzi-jo
The only way you are going to sort this out is by talking to her, or if you find that too hard then write it in a letter and give that to her instead. You have to let her know that you really appreciate her offering you money but that if she wants to give it to you she has to let you spend it as you want to, not as she wants you to as it is yours and your h2b's day. Let her know that if she is not happy with this then you will be kindly refusing her money and will save yourselves to get the wedding you want. As for the guest list, she should have no say in that! That should be written by you and your h2b and traditionally it is actually the brides parents who write it not the grooms. Tell her you appreciate her guest suggestions but that you and your h2b will be having the final word on who gets invited to YOUR wedding. Good luck Hun, I hope it works out ok for you in the end xxx
Got together 14.02.2008
Got engaged 31.12.2010
Will become a Mrs on 30.08.2014 xxxxxx
CommentAuthorSamiH92
thankyou everyone!!
CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
I think the best option Sami is definately taking the time and save for the wedding of YOUR dreams, not your FMIL. You don't want to look back and think you didn't love the day you had. You'll be alright and you know what... it will be worth waiting for.
Met in Nov 2005
Engaged 13th June 2013
Becomes Mrs Stewart on 10th Aug 2015 Honeymoon in Florida!
My Diary Thread: My Alice in Wonderland Wedding Diary
CommentAuthorMrsRobson2Be
edited
Oops posted on wrong thread somehow lol
CommentAuthorWhovianbride
i feel for you, this is why we have put our wedding off so long, as oh's parents offered to help us or loan us money to bring it forward but know his mum and she would have to have a say in everything and sign off on it all before we could book anything. in the end they said they would pay for the band, I warned them how much it cost £1030, and said if they wanted to pay for something else instead which was not as much like the cake £219, or photographer £600, I gave her options, and then when the contract for the band came through, and I said i needed the deposit (coz i know else they will not pay it) she said she wanted to see the contract etc, and started scaremongering again about the day we have chosen, and sure we won't change it. which i said we don't want to/can't afford to and to change to sat, would cost over £2.5k more for the venue £200 for the band, £200 for the photographer, etc. and if people don't make the effort to come they obviously can't be that important seeming at they have 2 years notice.
but my mum is paying for my dress and has offered £3k guilt free, money. when i have talked about different stuff we have talked about it etc, but she has never said "well im not paying for that" etc
Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
CommentAuthorElinor Claire
Maybe regarding the guest list your parents could politely weigh in. Either they could ask your MIL for names to add to the ones that they have (as traditionally the bride's parents invite people), or they could suggest meeting to discuss it. With the venue can you scrape enough together to put down a deposit?
30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.
CommentAuthorScottishbride2016
I feel sorry for you but like every one else says you do need to sit down with your hubby to be and both talk to his mum etc . Maybe postponing it so you HAVE YOUR DAY is the best thing . Good luck x
CommentAuthorFutureMrsPendlebury
You shouldn't have to put up with it, we are paying ours ourselves. You don't need thousands to have an amazing wedding, we are only having £3000 maximum and lower is possible! Just say thank you for the offer but we rather pay for it ourselves and have it how we want it xx
March 5th 2016
CommentAuthorAmyK
Perhaps you should ask outright how much they're willing to contribute, then ask them if they'd rather give you a cheque or do a bank transfer. If they're giving you the money it should be no strings attached. It's a nice gesture of you to consult them on the guest list but they should not be dictating it! The way to get out of that situation you're in now is to thank her for the suggestions, see who on that list actually bothers with you between now & sending out invites and don't invite those who don't! Tell her you can't confirm who is coming yet, as it will depend on the capacity of the venue that YOU and h2b decide on, and that she shouldn't go telling anyone they're invited in case they can't be fit in.
CommentAuthorCharlotteE98
Sami, I feel your pain! My future in laws are the same, especially FMIL. They are giving us £5k towards our wedding because that's what they did for his Sister. We also got an extra £1550 from his Mum because that's what she paid for his Sister's dress and their cake. She wasn't happy that £350 of that was used to pay the deposit for the photographer and wanted me to use the £1200 to pay for my dress! I'm paying for my dress myself. She' also wanted distant family members adding to the guest list. They've even tried to give us extra money because it's going to cost us more than we anticipated. We were going to get a loan but it's coming out of our savings now. My Mum and Stepdad are paying for cake and invites and my Dad and Stepmum are giving us £1k. I would rather everyone had just picked something to pay for and left the rest of it to us. We don't discuss the wedding at all in front of H2B's Mum. His Sister got married in April and between them they were causing wedding wars! I've also told him that they need to remember that it's not their show. My Mum made a very good point that as we've been together for a long time that we should be organising it all ourselves rather than the tradition of the brides parents doing it. It's basically my way or no way!
Maybe speak to H2B first and see how he feels about postponing it and speak to his Mum together. She might back off a bit if you do decide to do that. I agree with Amy aswell about asking outright how much they're willing to contribute.
