Wedding Forum - Bonkers Sister In Law 2B sticking her nose...

In a nutshell i am fuming.

My SIL2B has a diagnosis of depression, and constantly struggles with her mood. I, being a Mental Health Nurse feel that she has a major depression, but the family are "scared to talk mental health" so keep it all hush hush. Consequently, because of this, she can't be spoken to about anything, she flies off the handle at the slightest thing, she just can't be spoken to about anything!

Basically, SIL2B has two children, one 10 and one of which is only going to be 18th months old at the wedding. SIL2B is a single mother to both children. Getting caught after a one night stand with the 10 year old and then "accidentally" getting caught pregnant with 18 month old in a very new relationship, which i haste to add, she couldn't wait to end once she'd got pregnant and had the 12 week scan.

However, despite this, babies dad is very much involved with the baby and the family and my h2b has decided to ask him to be an usher at our wedding, which i think is lovely.

Now to the nitty bit... Babies dad rang me today, as i'd asked him to come for a meal, so that we can ask him to be usher. (baby dad doesn't yet know what we're going to ask so it is still very much a surprise). Babies Dad Said that he'd spoken to SIL2B about the wedding and she has decided that he'll only be going to the night time reception and then taking the baby home with him so that SIL2B can get drunk with all her family!!!!!!!!!

FUMING!

i can't believe what she's said and done. Also, when everyone knows that babies dad is going to be their all day she will fly off the handle with her depression and me and h2b will be the worlds worst i'm sure!

Don't blame you, I'd be furious as well!
Given your work experience is there a way of tactfully talking to her about it that may help her accept him being there? Perhaps suggest he can be there to also take care of the little during the day so she can relax and enjoy the day?
If it was your H2B and his family's idea to ask him to be an usher then I think they'll be behind you on this and not blame you if she does fly off the handle.
It would be nice if his family were open to talking about mental health - do you ever get to talk about work with them at all? Are you able to describe a patient (without any names, potentially even fictional) where the family can draw parallels between them and your FSIL and then perhaps will be willing/able to open up a diaglogue and want to take a more active role in helping their daughter/sister through the 'bad' patches of her depression. I know it's unlikely to have a major impact by the time of the wedding but it will be a good start for the future.

To be fair to them it does sound like a difficult job, although I hope its also rewarding for you.
I fully understand thats its difficult for them to talk about it but I really wish it wasn't the case. A very good friend of ours took his life a few years ago and if his parents had gone to an autism specialist instead of buring their heads in the sand then he probably would have had a slightly better childhood, probably wouldn't have had his uni flatmates calling the police because they thought he was 'creepy' not realising he just didn't understand when he was making them uncomfortable and there's even a chance he'd still be with us today... I just want to be able to wave a magic wand and make everyone realise that sometimes the family moments that make you feel awkward are the most important conversations to have.

Fingers crossed all goes well with the wedding - do let us know how things develop.

Are you able to sit down with FSIL and give a chance to talk openly with you about her feelings? When I had a bad patch with depression I found it impossible to talk to anyone, but was desperate to. If people asked me if I was ok, and why there were marks on my hand, I would deny it, but was desperate for someone to make me talk honestly. In the end I saw the doctor and it improved from there, and I'm doing fine now. She might be really glad of someone having a cup of tea with her and asking all the right questions.

I'm on the fence with this one. I can see from her point of view that her relationship didn't work out and she probably feels having him there like katielea said would be rubbing in her face that he has moved on and she is still suffering. She may feel hurt that he has bigger part in the wedding than she does.

On the other hand if he is a family friend who you are both close to and you want to be a part of the wedding, then she needs to understand that. I know that one of my exes was at my sisters wedding being her husbands cousin, we had a really nasty break up. But we managed ok, I stayed out of his way and he stayed out of mine. No drama and we both had a good time.

Maybe you need to speak to her let her know why you want him there. No why you want them both there...hopefully she will understand and stop being so difficult.

You can only talk to him about it, perhaps between them they agreed that it wouldn't be best to spend the whole day together - perhaps it'd be a bit "here's what you could've won", especially if maybe he still has feelings for her and might be spending the whole day feeling awkward? Perhaps he wouldn't want to assume that he is invited?
Chat to him, see what his thoughts are maybe?

Right I get it now, she still might feel a bit pushed out if you know what I mean though as it's her brothers wedding she might feel like your doing it out of spite even though your not
Is she a big part in the wedding?
I personally wouldn't have him as an usher unless she was a bridesmaid or something
You think she's out of order now god knows wat you'll think of her once you've asked him lol xx

Laura, that is my argument. Forget the fact of who he is, she has still just told someone that they'll only be going to the evening of the wedding, without the fact!

She will drink, and does drink now, even though she is on medication. But remember, theres no telling her any different!

I think still do it but be subtle about it especially with sil's depression...also is she playing any role in the wedding? As it may upset her more if she isn't x

Personally I think if you want him to invite him all day do it regardless of her and if her depression is that bad its prob best she keeps off the drink but im sure between the 2 of them they can find a baby sitter if that's what's needed or at least sort out a reasonable solution