Wedding Forum - Is marriage really important?...

This morning on tv there was a debate about whether marriage is REALLY important....

points they brought up were...

if people choose not to get married because they "arent ready" should they not have children ...

how can you be grown up enough to have a child but not be able to commit to marriage

do people enter marriage knowing that now divorce is easier there will always be a way out.

do people put more importance on the wedding rather than the marriage

Would be interested to hear thoughts

My partner and I had our little boy back in 2011 and getting married next year. I don't think that if you're not ready to wed doesn't mean that you're not ready to be parents. My partner wasn't ready for marriage back then. He was scared that our marriage would turn out like his parents; which only lasted 11 weeks and he's not seen his Dad since they split up 23 years ago. I gave him the time to work it out in his own head and he proposed to me at the end of 2011. A lot of people see their friends/family etc go through divorce and assume their own marriage will be like that instead of focusing on the positives. Relationships need work put in from both sides and I think sometimes people see divorce as an easy option out instead of trying to iron out any creases that may be there.

We had our children in 2007-2009 we didn't think getting married was a priority until we had them my h2b and two children have the surname Rogers and mine is different, were getting married because now were both ready for it and I want the same surname as my children. Also after a few ups and downs we only want each other plus we have waited a while so it's not like we have met and rushed into things straight away! I never wanted that I wanted to wait a while others have done that many are now divorced who we know a few still together it totally depends on the person, I personally couldn't marry someone I've known for a few weeks-months or years x

Society has changed and priorities with it. There was a time when even having sex, let alone having children, outside of marriage was considered unacceptable. Now it's normal, but I still think it's preferable to have made that lifelong commitment to each other before bringing children into the mix. If people feel that they cannot afford the wedding that they want, they need to look into the cost of raising a child. It's more than most people realise, and people might find that actually they can't afford to have a family straight away. I can see though why ladies in particular might be worried about time, as if you don't meet your H2B until your mid-thirties you don't have long to have kids.

For me as a Christian my values are different to the values that some people have. There's a spiritual aspect to marriage, where God blesses the marriage and in some way the couple actually do become one. It's for that reason that I chose to abstain from sex until marriage. I was raised not only in a Christian household but in a clergy one, so Christian values are an integral part of me. This means that there was never any question of me having children before marriage, unless I lost my virginity against my will. I would have been willing to consider co-habiting once we were engaged if it was the more practical option, but as it happens I am lodging with a family, as I have been for years, and I will move into the house that H2B already owns when we marry. I would certainly not have co-habited without marriage on the horizon.

I think it depends on each person and how they feel .
Personally I have always wanted to be married and then have kids and my best mate was the same but she was told she had issues when trying to have a baby so to start trying now and maybe it will happen within 12-24 months so during that time her partner wanted to propose and they plan wedding ....... 1 month it took and she is due in October !

So for her due to medical issues it had to change .

In the last 2 years a lot of close friends have married and then choose to have kids but I have one friend who only sees marriage as a piece of paper and would rather buy house have kids and joint stuff that way and has said only reason they would marry is to secure stuff for partner in case of death and to make sure they get everything

The thing is with marriage and having kids, is if your inlove and want both , you have to put one before the other, you generaly can't afford a big nice wedding when planning on having a baby, and vice verse, you have to put one first and seeming as now without the stigma of in the old days of ohhhh living in sin.... depends on your priorities. I do like to think that once your married you would put more effort in if things go wrong, but people do have the option of divorce and the thing is that people don't like to admit is that things changes, and it changes the form of your relationship, wether its changing jobs or a new baby, or kids leaving home and you have to put work into a relationship to stay happy.

Me and my OH are very anti religion, but pro morals, he is very scientificaly minded and he was talking about the other day about how marriage is important as biologically we were never meant to be with just one person.

Here is a bit from livescience
The committed partnership between a man and a woman evolved, some say, for the well-being of children.

"The human species has evolved to make commitments between males and females in regards to raising their offspring, so this is a bond," said Jane Lancaster, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of New Mexico. "However that bond can fit into all kinds of marriage patterns – polygyny, single parenthood, monogamy."

The human species is somewhat unique amongst mammals in that fathers do invest in raising children .

"We do know that in humans we do have this pretty strong pair bond, and there's more paternal investment than in most other primates," said Daniel Kruger, a social and evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health. "We're special in this regard, but at the same time like most mammals, we are a polygynous species." Kruger said humans are considered "mildly polygynous," in which a male mates with more than one female.

Whether or not the married or otherwise committed individuals stray for sex depends on the costs and benefits.

"There is plenty of evidence that males have less to lose than females by having extramarital sex," Lancaster said. "Having less to lose, it's easier for them to do it."

Women, however, could lose "dad's" resources when it comes to raising their kids. "For women, the well-being of their children is not improved by promiscuity," Lancaster told LiveScience.

Some scientists view both social and sexual monogamy in humans as a societal structure rather than a natural state.

"I don't think we are a monogamous animal," said Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle. "A really monogamous animal is a goose – which never mates again even if its mate is killed."

She added, "Monogamy is invented for order and investment – but not necessarily because it's 'natural.'"

I don't think marriage is important at all.... There are arguments for and against! For is a natural form of commitment but then people can argue that even when married it doesn't stop someone straying but I'd like to think if your married you're more likely to fight for your relationship rather than just calling it quits ... There's also the legal implications ... Ie if you have a house together you have more rights over division of assets if you're married than if you're not, and if one of you dies you are the legal next of kin regarding house and possessions as well as any pensions etc,whereas if not married there needs to be a will that you're included in, so in that sense marriage is important.

Children wise, I think it's wrong for ppl to think you need to be married first to have children or that if you have children u shouldn't be afraid of marriage, it just depends what fits some people's lives,for some they just don't feel they need the marriage part and are happy as they are. My dad,for one, being divorced from my mum, says he'd never marry again and I don't think my mum would and my mums been in a 8yr relationship (he wants to marry her but she doesn't want to,she's happy as they are)

For some they get married because they want the whole family to share the same name... That won't happen in my household as my kids have my ex's surname (their dad) ... We're getting married to strengthen our unity and because we believe its the next progressive step in our relationship.

I don't know; I think it is important but only if you want to get married; there is nothing wrong with couples who have children but never get married; personally I think it is nicer if you are married before having kids but sometimes it happens the other way round.
I know someone who was with her partner for 13 years, never engaged and would still be if she hadn't lost him earlier this year in a motorbike accident :(

There is so much pressure these days to get married when someone has been with their partner for a while but I do not think it is essential; I would love to get married sooner rather then later but that is just me.

I think people can get carried away with the wedding and spend too much money on the event; end up in debt which can lead to problems later on; The actual joining of two people is more important in my mind; I do not want a big lavish wedding; as long as the people I love are there then I'm ok with that :)

I always have felt marriage is important as I have very good role models. My parents are still together after 30 years. The same with all other members of my family. My OH on the other hand did not see marriage as important as his parents had a nasty divorce. He took his sweet time in proposing but he said he always knew he would marry me. I think people these days are took quick to break up at the first problem, but thats just my opinion!

My parents have been happily married for 25 years but I never felt marriage was important. I didn't really want to get married which has upset my H2B in the past. It wasn't until our little boy was born that I though I might actually quite like being a wife. Now I can't wait to get married!
I think nowadays it just depends on the individuals. Some people want marriage others don't. It doesn't really matter. xx

I can also see both points. For us, We moved in together and in 2008 we had our son and 5 months ago we had our other son.
For reasons i wont go into, but we will not be having anymore children so it made our family complete and felt that we should get married - saying that we should probably is not the best word to use, as we both really want to get married and we have for years but didnt feel it was fair on our children if we wasnt married for one child and was for another.

Because me and H2B aren't planning on having children marriage was the next step that felt right for us. It was never a priority though - we've been together for 10 years! We wanted to save and buy our home before we even thought about getting married, even though we got engaged just under a year in to our relationship.

I think people's priorities are completely different now. I know people who are still paying off their wedding years into their marriage... If I couldn't afford to pay cash for my wedding I just wouldn't get married. I'd hate to start married life in debt.

I'm old fashioned in the way that I've always wanted to be married before i have kids..
Not that I'm against children before marriage in anyway, as long as children have two loving parents then I don't think it matters which comes first or if marriage comes at all..
I am so desperate to be a mummy, to the extent it hurts sometimes but to me, marriage is important and it will come before kids for me..Xxx