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  1.  
    • CommentAuthorJennyY
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    My H2B chose his best friend as his best man, they have been inseperable since they were in nappies and he classes Matt more as a brother than a mate. Now, we live in North Wales and the majority of H2b's friends are farmers who haven't seen much of the world, so to make it easier h2b asked his brother to arrange the stag do, best man didn't mind this and said he was up for anything. So, a weekend in Majorca was booked and best man happily handed over the money for the flights. Stay with me now, this is a long rant!!!
    Now, the best man and his girlfriend had a baby in APril of this year, as he is a farmer he then spent the next few months working 22 hour a days so wasn't able to help out with the baby and his partner coped fine with this. THis baby will be one when the stag do happens and best mans partner has turned round and said he can't go away because she will need help with their baby!!! so he has said he will no longer be going on the stag do. I was so angry, h2b was really upset by it but wouldn't say anything to him. They carried on chatting during the call and best man mentioned not putting wine on the table that him and his partner and baby would be seated at during the meal (he really can't handle his ale let alone wine). he want to sit with his partner instead of on the top table, and then he seemed really put out that we were asking people to make alternative arrangements for their children from 6.30 onwards.
    I am concerned that he doesn't realise what his role will entale on the day. He isn't going on the stag do, he didn't realise he would be on the top table and she seems to be ruling everything they do so I am worried that he will not be at FIL to help h2b get ready on morning of wedding, he won't help move flowers from church to reception which I need him to do, he won't look after money that I need to pay people and he won't do any of the best man things that he is supposed to do. But, how do you say all these things to someone without insulting them or their girlfriend?
  2.  
    • Mrs-Mouse-2-be
      CommentAuthorMrs-Mouse-2-be
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    All the best man is required to do is turn up, keep the rings safe on the day and make a speech, although this last one is optional as some best men do bottle it and being overcome with nerves is natural.

    Was the weekend in Majorca planned before they found out she was pregnant? Is it possible his new role as a dad has taken over in his responsibilities, rather than her being a dictator?

    I say this because myself and my fiancé are expecting our first baby and just last night he said he wanted to be the best dad he could be. He has plans to take us on holiday with his dad and my parents, whereas before he would only go on holiday with a mate. He has said he wants to spend every moment he can with me and the baby and this is his words not mine.

    I understand your side I really do and I have to say that before I got pregnant I probably would have sided with you, but I can see the other angle on this and like I said when you become a parent your responsibilities and allegiances do change a lot. About him working 22 hour days, that just says he wants to ensure security and comfort for this baby, and perhaps weekends are all he has with his kid and he might not want to miss any of them.

    Would a separate night out be a good idea? Your fiancé could go to Majorca with the others and maybe a few weeks later he could have another stag night near where you all live? If you could come up with a plan like this, this problem could be sorted :-) Also the no kids after 6.30 rule may affect more than just him. I don't know how you would get around that but I really can't see why he can't sit at the top table for the meal and speeches. Now that would really peeve me off no end!
  3.  
    • millz090
      CommentAuthormillz090
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    Ooooo tough one and even tougher as children involved and she is so young.

    I think the worry with going on hen/stag do's abroad is leaving partners at home with children. When h2b was looking at his stag do a few of our friends with children said they wouldnt go as not fair leaving wife/partner at home with the kids for days.... whether you agree or not that is their personal set up. So we decided to keep his stag do in England so only a night away and not 2/3 nights. Therefore i do understand where his girlfriend is coming from as responsiblites should be her and the baby and not a stag do that is for a few days so more of a holiday, sorry !!

    Could they have a smaller stag do in this country after Majorca so best man can be involved?! I would guess best man is gutted he is missing it too espeically if paid money out so not a case he doesnt want to go but more that he is needed at home.

    In terms of the top table, i originally was having our best man on our top table but he has a family coming too. His wife reminded me that she would be sitting seperatly to him looking after their kids while he sits with us.... its a 2 hours meal, granted not forever but she would be coping with the kids alone and what child will sit still for 2 hours in a high chair.

    He can still be a best man and not sit on the top table, why cant he do the speech from his seat? Why dont you sit him with his girlfiend/wife and the baby nearest to you? I would also make sure you outline to him his other duties you want from home ie moving flowers so he knows from the begining. xxx

    Members signature icon
    Finally marrying the love of my life !!
    10th August 2013 - 9 years to the day we met !

  4.  
    • MrsWright290912
      CommentAuthorMrsWright290912
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    This is a toughie.

    Our best man was a mutual friend and so was our MOH. BM was great and helped with all sorts, spent lots of time with us before the wedding coming over for tea etc etc. He now barely speaks with either of us or spends any time with us because of a new girl he has on the scene who is a control freak with him. He doesnt see it and thinks it's normal.

    My MOH lives in Durham and barely sees us anymore.

    She was really up for the hen do and said she would arrange something. She then got a new partner and we heard hardly anything from her. In the end I got so fed up I arranged my own hen do. She travelled down on the friday night, stayed over at ours then went home before the hen do. Her dad wasnt well and we didnt really know what was wrong. I was miffed she didnt want to stay and it really upset me. I still had a great night out. We then had a whole drama about her not staying the night before my wedding with me as arranged and she was very nearly told to be just a guest. Unbeknownst to me during this time they had discovered her Dad had cancer and it was quite serious. She "slipped up" and said about him having biopsy and thats the way I found out. I then realised why she had been how she was and told her that as long as she was there on the day that she could travel up that morning if she wanted to and could escape before the night-time. I am so glad now I gave her that opportunity as her dad passed away 2 weeks later.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that you dont know whats going on behind closed doors. As long as your h2b's best man is there on the day and to help with anything in the lead up to the big day, I don't think there is anything you can say or do.

    We ended up rejigging our seating plan and had my MOH on a table and only me, my hubby, BM and my grandad on the top table.

    Members signature icon
    I really did marry my Mr Wright and we had a nice day for a
    Wright wedding!
    Mexico for our first anniversary <3
  5.  
    • CommentAuthorJennyY
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    My issue is that he has never been a hands on dad, he works upto 22 hours a day and she has always coped fine with the baby, now it comes to the stag do (and I do understand that babies come first) but all of a sudden she is saying that she can't cope on her own, but she isn't on her own, they live with his parents and her parents live 2 minutes away, she has coped perfectly well for almost a year by herself. He does need to do things on the day, he needs to look after the rings, drive h2b to the church, take flowers from the church to the reception so he can't just turn up and do a speech. The room is set out in a certain way that would mean if he wasn't on the top table he would have to be right at the back of the room because the tables closest to the top table are for our families and I am not moving them to the back so he can sit with his girlfriend instead of on the top table. and to be honest I think that she would say she has a problem if they were having a stag do in this coutry. I know I sound slightly heartless but I want my day to go perfectly as we all do and that relies on him doing his job as best man and not saying he can't do things because he has to be with his girlfriend. I realise that there is not a lot I can do but I just needed to vent and this was the best place to do it.
  6.  
    • AmyK
      CommentAuthorAmyK
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    Maybe she can cope with a baby... just not a whole week with just her, the baby and the in-laws!!




  7.  
    • CommentAuthorJennyY
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    Its not a week, its 2 nights and some of them are only going for one. I would be kicking up a fuss if it was a week never mind any one else having an issue with it!
  8.  
    • Mrs-Mouse-2-be
      CommentAuthorMrs-Mouse-2-be
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    I still don't see the issue here, she doesn't see him all week as it is and just when they do get to spend some precious time together with their little baby he must go do something that is a major priority to someone else but not to him. Ok it's only one weekend, but this means he literally will not see his baby for almost 2 weeks. He works all week, goes for a weekend stag do (at which he will be really tired and probably not in the party mood after all that work and a lot of travelling, and missing his baby). Then to top it off he gets back home and either goes straight to bed or straight to work and doesn't get spending any time with the baby or his partner for the next 5 days. That's almost two weeks! You two haven't taken any of that into consideration whatsoever.

    Arrange a separate evening out. I think it would take you two to have your own children to realise how much your priorities do change. Yes she lives with her inlaws but I'm sorry me being 25 weeks pregnant at the minute and if I was in her shoes I would also ask him not to go. Almost two weeks without seeing that little baby? The baby will miss him too and won't understand why he's not around and two weeks is a long time in a child's life.
  9.  
    • CommentAuthorJennyY
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    I did not come on here to be slagged off and told I am inconsiderate. He actually usually works weekends as well as he is a farmer, the stag do aside, I was concerned that the things I need him to do he will not do and I will be left on my wedding day stressing trying to get other people to do the things that he was supposed to do. And its not us who haven't taken him into consideration, my brother in law booked it and asked everyone before hand if they were ok with it and they all said yes, they all paid and then after its all booked and sorted he said he wouldn't go, if he said before it was booked that he couldn't go then I wouldn't mind.
  10.  
    • Mrshb2b
      CommentAuthorMrshb2b
     
    C u gotta think if he has a mrs like I'll b 36(Just an example)... Who thinks 'All the best man is required to do is turn up, keep the rings safe on the day and make a speech' Then there your problem. My h2b best man is getting 2 pages of tasks lol. He will b arriving before the ushers at the mens house to b with h2b, Have the rings, Check the guys have buttonholes, Drive h2b to church hand out sheets. Make sure the ushers are where there ment to be. Show guests to there seats. Hand over the rings. Walk out the church with my moh, Help group people for photos when needed. Hand maps out for any guests who forgets theirs. He will be in the recieving line and then seating on the top table then do his speech. He will b needed to help out with jobs in the evening. I think the best man's job is very important and theres alot to do(Well loads more on my lists lol). My h2b has also picked a friend who is like a brother to him and i know he will do anything we ask of him as they r so close and such good friends and i get on with his mrs really well. I am real sorry ur best man has let u down like this. For him to book and pay and then back out is so wrong. As he agreed in the first place. Why wouldnt he just take 1 day off work have a day off with his family then go on the stag the next day. If u think all ur both asking for is 1 or 2 days of his life. when else are you going to need him like this, Never. His mrs seems like she will b a problem if she is cant cope alone wonder what she would do if he has to go away on a course or see a relative or if he fancys a bit of night fishing with the lads lol... He must of agreed to yous then she said he cant go. How will she be when his doing all the tasks on Your day and she has the baby all day. I know my best man wont see much of his mrs but thats because its his best friends day not his mrs day. Then when they do have there day my h2b will be there for him 110%. I think u and ur h2b need to think hard if this guy will help you both on your big day? Because i think u should rethink who u pick. If u take that post above for example who wouldnt even consider their h2b taking a day or 2 off for a mate who's like a brother to their h2b u can c ur not going to get any where. Hope u and h2b make the right choice and im sure anything will b fine in the end xxx
  11.  
    • CommentAuthorJennyY
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    Thank you Mrshb2b I was starting to think that I must have been completely out of order to expect the best man to do what a best man should do. all the things you have listed is what I want him to do and what I thought he realised he would have to do, my concern was that she would kick up a fuss about him not being able to spend much time with her between 10 am and 6.30 pm and that he would leave us high and dry and do what she wants him to do on the day and not what we need him to do. THere was a time when best man would have done anything to help h2b but not any more and he is really upset about this. I think I might send him a list of all the things that I need him to do on the day so he knows exactly what is expected of him and he can give us plenty of warning if he doesn't think he will be able to fulfil his task.
  12.  
    • LauraJo87
      CommentAuthorLauraJo87
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    Yes, I'd do that.

    I can understand why best mans missus feels a bit peeved (assuming the aggro is coming from her, which it may not be) if he works all the time and then when he does have time off, is going on a stag do.

    Unfortunately friendships do often change once people start having sprogs as people's priorities change, which is a shame.

    Try and arrange a boys night out closer to home, and make sure he knows what is expected of him - I must admit, after the speeches our best man doesn't reAlly have much to do. Xx

    My Beating Heart Belongs To You
    30 August 2013

    The First Day Of My Happily Ever After
  13.  
    • CommentAuthorJennyY
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    He doesn't have anything to do after the speeches its just before hand that he has a lot to do. I will suggest a night out closer to home but I think he would bale on that one as well. I think I will maybe make a back up plan so other people know that if the best man hasn't done something then they are to step in and do it instead.
 

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