FREE Wedding Table Planner

+ FREE Wedding Budget Planner and more wedding planning tools

Join now free to use

Wedding Forum - Unreliable Groomsman!...

Not signed in (Sign In)

UKbride Supermarket


* Discount available to Power Users only. Terms and conditions apply. more

  1.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 19th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi ladies.

    I'm looking for some advice and well, a good rant is probably about to follow, about one of my partner's groomsmen.

    He has a best man, and 2 groom's men. One of these groom's men is one of his oldest friends. Like, of over 20 years. They lost touch for a while. They hadn't seen each other for at least 4 years because they never saw each other in the entire time I was with OH until about 9 months ago when they got back in touch.

    This was fine, all went well, we met for dinner and drinks and it was very pleasant and nice. The following weekend we played board games and had drinks, watched a film and they stayed over.

    Since then they have done nothing but cancel, cancel, cancel all plans that are made. And for the flimsiest of excuses! In January alone my partner made arrangements to see them at least 6 times and they cancelled each time, on the day, within maybe an hour or two if we were lucky of them supposed to be turning up at our house or meeting us for coffee or whatever. I have seen them maybe four times total in the last 9 months, and frankly I'm getting a bit sick of it.

    Last weekend, for the first time in probably 6 or 7 weeks the groomsman actually came over. He was supposed to be here at 6:30, and at 6:45 we got a message to say he was running late - no sh**, right? He says he's just left. He lives MAYBE a 20 min drive from us, IF that. Like, if you were driving under the speed limit the whole way and got stuck in traffic... he arrived at 7:40. Nearly an hour later.

    Today they have cancelled plans again! They were supposed to be here at 6 - they messaged us at 5:10 to say they wouldn't be coming. I'm worried that these people are going to say they're coming to our wedding and on the day decide that they can't be bothered, after we've paid nearly £150 for them to have food and drink and paid for his suit (another £100 - £150).

    I have tried to gently say to OH "Do you think having him as a groomsman is a good idea?" and he just sort of shrugged it off and said he wouldn't do that, but I'm not so sure. OH is now extremely POed at yet another cancellation - should I broach the subject? Should I just keep my mouth shut about it? Do I voice my concerns about wasting £300? They were VERY close as children, and my OH can be a bit sensitive about friends that were there for him when he was younger. I'm just not sure what to do. If I was able to, I'd wait and see whether or not his friend goes on the stag do (he'll say he will, right up until it comes time to book/pay and then he'll bottle it) which I think would be the last straw for OH but we'll have sent in final orders and bought his suit by then.

    Any advice would be really appreciated. xx
  2.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 19th 2016
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    That is a really difficult situation. It can be hard to bring it up with your OH because he is being protective of the friendship he used to have. But to be honest that seems to be the point. It is a friendship he used to have and clearly he values those times more than the friend does anymore.
    I think either way you need to speak with him and understand his thoughts on this. But rather than giving your opinion on what he should do because he will get defensive, try to ask him what he thinks about it. Questions like " what do you want to do about it?" give him the opportunity to have a think and say what he feels.
    He probably does feel the same way as you but wants to hold on in the hope his friend will pull through. X
  3.  
    • Wundatigga
      CommentAuthorWundatigga
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 19th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I would try and broach the subject again- and get your OH to seriously think about what he wants. If they are being unreliable now then I would not imagine that they'd be reliable for the wedding.

    Maybe suggest that OH confronts his friend and basically tell him unless things change then he will no longer be a groomsman 0 of course he can still be invited but your OH (and you) need people they can count on around you.

    I really hope things work out for you guys

    Members signature icon
    Started dating: 10th February 2011
    Welcomed our little girl: May 2015
    I proposed: 23rd December 2015
    I finally become Mrs R 17th August 2017
  4.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Mar 19th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    It's understandable that you're worried, but cancelling on meet ups is very different to cancelling on a wedding. One of my bridesmaids let me down a few times but I never had any doubt that she would be there on the day. You do need to discuss it openly with your H2B. Also I would keep the duties of the unreliable one to things that don't matter, or that someone else will do as well, so if he bails, you've lost money, but the whole thing won't fall apart because jobs don't get done. Ultimately it needs to be your H2B's call, the groomsmen are there for him.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  5.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 19th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I don't think the question should be him being reliable to turn up but should be being reliable to support him on the day and in the build up.

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  6.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 20th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks ladies. And Elinor, we're not talking being let down a few times. It's twice in the last week already. Five times this month and we've only just gotten half-way through!! And the thing is, there's no good reason for any of them. To be fair, to be a groomsman you have to turn up for suit fittings so in fairness I suppose the likelihood of that happening in the first place is pretty slim!!

    My best man has let me down a few times regarding meet ups, but I accept this of him, and there is literally no doubt whatsoever in my mind that come Hell or high water, he will be there on the day.

    I took your advice and asked OH what he was thinking about it, and he's fed up but doesn't know what to do. The groomsman's parents are invited to the wedding as well, but we don't know if they're coming yet. If they are, OH thinks that they will reign him in and ensure that he is at least there. I think the idea of him actually being "there" in the run up and helping with anything is just not going to happen, simple as that. As long as he actually turns up, I don't care, but OH has now said if he didn't turn up to the wedding that's the end of it, they're done. He's 'jokingly' now said to the groomsman as well about him not turning up and what will happen so I think the seed has been planted with the guy about how rubbish he's been!! xx
  7.  
    • StephH96
      CommentAuthorStephH96
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 20th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hiya, the fact that he cancels right at the very very last minute is very strange. There might be other issues going on. If you OH can't get to the root of it, and he carries on even after the little chat I think it is fair enough that he gets cut out of the wedding party, i not the wedding.
    Maybe the friends GF is a bit possessive and wants him not to go out? (Sorry to think the worst of people but could be a reason).
  8.  
    • Ellie95
      CommentAuthorEllie95
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 21st 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    OH and I were in a similar situation not long ago with one of his 'best friends' he was just constantly cancelling on meet ups and nights out, sometimes he just wouldn't turn up and not answer his phone, OH was originally going to have him as a best man, but decided against it since being so unreliable. It turned out he had a crazy possessive girlfriend, they just broke up last week and all of a sudden he's back out of the shadows lol

    Maybe try track him down somewhere yourself and have a word with him as to why he's being like this? xoxo

    Members signature icon
    Met May 2013
    Engaged December 2015
    Getting Married 22nd June 2018! <3
  9.  
    • CommentAuthorNicolaB7220
      Posted: Mar 21st 2016
      BadgeBadge
     
    We had an issue with my OH's best man for a short time, they basically didn't speak for about 4 months (not because they had fallen out) but best man lost his phone and never got it replaced and when OH was chasing (on bookface) for suit size so we could get suits ordered he just wasn't replying and I was worried he was going to drop out but he got in touch in the end and have a valid reason for the delay and he's been brilliant ever since, asking about any sensitivities for his speech and organising things. Hopefully things will turn around with him.
  10.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 26th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    StephH, I wouldn't be surprised if you were right because it seems to be the case that he's definitely coming all through the day and then by the time she'd be home from work, he's last minute cancelling. So, you might be on to something!!

    They're both coming over tomorrow now to apologise for being rubbish and to hang out, so hopefully it won't just stay the same!!

    Glad to hear though that some people have had this before and that things have turned around though - gives me hope. lol xx
  11.  
    • StephH96
      CommentAuthorStephH96
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 26th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hope it goes OK for you tomorrow. Get your OH to talk to the GF and see what reaction he gets and go from there.
 
Enter Now