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  1.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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      edited
     
    Huge post ladies so sorry about it lol! Well done if you make it to the end!

    Just to give you a bit of background on OH and FIL. FIL and MIL split when OH was 2, which meant that OH only saw his dad once a week, when OH was about 8 MIL decided she didn't want OH to see his dad anymore so he never properly knew or bonded with him and never got to know any of his aunties, uncles or cousins on his dad's side, just his grandma. On OH's 18th birthday his dad got in touch and they met up, since then they have got quite close but he still hardly knows his dad's family apart from odd 5 minute conversations.

    FIL came round on Friday night and we got talking about the wedding, to which he said 'there's loads coming'. OH questioned him about it and he started to list off at least 30 people that have said they are coming to the wedding! We haven't mentioned to him who is and isn't coming (we haven't even sent invites or STD's out!) and OH has decided he only wants about 5 of them, plus his dad and grandma. The 5 include a few of his uncles and 1 auntie as these are the only family members he knows. He doesn't want any of their children (his cousins) or some of his other uncles as he doesn't know them enough to want them there, plus he is 1 of 40 cousins so he couldn't possibly have them all there anyway. Problem is his dad won't even listen to this. He is a lovely man and I know he isn't doing it on purpose but he just isn't listening to anything OH says.

    FIL asked me how many people we could fit in our venue, to which I said 65 as this is what we have narrowed it down to. 30 of which are my family and a few of our friends, he then said laughing that we would have to get a bigger place but then said that 30 might be enough (not thinking of MIL's side of the family which takes up about 20), meaning there would only be maximum 10 places for his family, which he has decided on 5 of. When again we told him we weren't inviting everyone he said well send them invites and ask them to send them back if they don't want to come (so not really listening again), he also said some people might only want to come to the ceremony then go home, when the 5 people OH does want to invite he is only inviting to the evening as he is not close enough to them to want them to watch him get married. We have told him all of this but he just seems to block everything out.

    He has done the same with OH's stag night, he hasn't arranged anything but FIL has invited lots of his friends who OH has never heard of or even met before. It is just getting so out of hand.

    We are going to carry on explaining everything to him and tell him that only people with invitations can get into the wedding as we cannot fit anymore in and at £16 per head we can't afford to have so many people but it is just so annoying to have it constantly hanging over us!

    Sorry about the rant I just needed to get it out. Has anybody else had a similar situation and know how to deal with it?

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  2.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    I'm not really too sure what to say/what advice I can offer but I didn't want to just read and run!! Sorry to hear he is making things difficult for you but the main thing is just standing your ground, which you've already said you're going to do! It's out of order for him to invite people of his own accord before you've even spoken about it and before the invitations have even gone out. Hopefully it will eventually sink it and he will understand why your OH wouldn't be comfortable with family members he hardly even knows there. If he still doesn't understand then just tell him about your number restrictions and that it is actually impossible to invite them!

    When my OH's mum and dad split up he ended up not really seeing much of his dad's family.. OH said to his dad there would only be one or two people he would actually want to invite (although they wouldn't come) and his dad totally understood this as appreciated OH has had nothing to do with them, so why would he want them at his wedding?! Saying that though, FIL has a forced relationship with his family anyway, it's not like they are close.

    Hope it gets sorted out as stress free as possible!! x

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    18th June 2016
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  3.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    It's strange because I don't think he is actually inviting people himself, I think he is just trying to gather people for OH's stag and presuming people are being invited to the wedding. For some reason he is just not listening to us! I am hoping once invitations go out it will be easier because we can just hand him a few invites and tell him they are the only people invited! x

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  4.  
    • Mrs M Wade
      CommentAuthorMrs M Wade
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    Wow Emma. Seems like he thinks it's his wedding lol. At the end of the day it's your day not your FIL. He should respect yours and your OH decision that you don't want them there. He should understand that. Like you said if they haven't got an invite then they won't be coming. Could your OH sit down with him and explain what you've said? Xx

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  5.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    He has tried a few times as he has mentioned it before but he seems to be presuming people are invited without actually saying to OH 'who do you want there', he has just told everybody when it is! I think each time he mentions it OH will try to tell him and then if that doesn't work we will just make an invitation only rule and tell him people without invites can't get in lol! x

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  6.  
    • Mrs M Wade
      CommentAuthorMrs M Wade
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    At least when you send invites out then everyone who you want there will get one, those who don't then tough luck to them lol x

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    Became Mrs Wade 06/08/2016


  7.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    I am just worried that as he has told people about it they will just turn up! We need to find a way to make sure he understands lol x

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  8.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    That is the worry.. I bet some people are silly enough to turn up to a wedding even without an invitation lol. Hopefully when your invitations go out there will be no confusion about the situation. Tell him unless he wants to cough up the cash for a bigger wedding venue to accommodate all of OH's family and pay to feed them all then he is welcome to do so, but if not then you cannot afford to cater for them all. Maybe that will shock him!! Lol xx

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  9.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    The thing is he was supposed to be giving us £100 a month towards the wedding starting January, so far he is given us £100! We don't mind too much as we knew he probably wasn't going to be able to afford it but clearly he won't pay for them all lol! He is not usually interfering so I think he is genuinely just presuming and trying to be helpful by telling people lol! x

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  10.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    Oh bless him.. maybe he is just so excited about the wedding that he just can't help himself and wants everyone to know! Hopefully people will have the common sense to realise that no invitation means they are not invited lol. When they realise some family members have been invited whilst some haven't maybe it will trigger someone to ask the question 'why?' and you can then explain!! x

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    Happily married
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  11.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    Yeah fingers crossed that's what will happen! I'm sure OH will be able to get it sorted out by then it's just annoying both of us at the moment lol! x

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  12.  
    • Emmilou82
      CommentAuthorEmmilou82
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    I'd get annoyed too..... Hopefully people will use their common sense and won't just turn up!! Would people do that?
    I hope you manage to sort it though x

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    Marrying 'The One' on 30th July 2016
    I am now Mrs Emma Stokoe xx

  13.  
    • StephHsoon2bBodkin
      CommentAuthorStephHsoon2bBodkin
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    It sucks :( i hope you put your foot down and tell them.. Its awful with Inlaws do this x

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  14.  
    • Whovianbride
      CommentAuthorWhovianbride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 16th 2015
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    I would just wait till the invites go out and make clear that only thos named are invited, No plus ones or children, I have herd of people sending invites to say one couple and them sending back their rsvp from them and about 4 others who are not even invited.
    We have put on our faqs on out wedsite, Unless they are named on the Invitation then im sorry its a no, we are on a budget and have decided we do not want strangers on our wedding day over friends. I hope everyone can understand this.

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    Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
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  15.  
    • clairenina
      CommentAuthorclairenina
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Mar 18th 2015
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    I'd be really frustrated if he wasn't listening to you. I do though, having read this, feel a bit sorry for him. He really does sound excited for you both and the day, and seems to want to get the wider family together (although it is YOUR day, and up to YOU to chose who comes to YOUR wedding). I'd continue to drive the message home, and perhaps the invitations go out (and I would address people personally on them too, to save people tagging more guests on), the invitations make your guest list official.
  16.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 21st 2015
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    Perhaps you could write out the guest list and go through it with him so he knows who is invited. If you number it 1-65 then thats the limit of who can come and it might get through that others arent invited. X
  17.  
    • thefuture:Mrs_Hurren
      CommentAuthorthefuture:Mrs_Hurren
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 21st 2015
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    I think why Kirsty had said Is a great idea that way it will be clear for him to see who is and isn't invited
  18.  
    • Whovianbride
      CommentAuthorWhovianbride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 21st 2015
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    kirsty

    Members signature icon
    Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
    together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
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    Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
  19.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 7 years ago
      Posted: Mar 21st 2015
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    Oh goodness. Is he a little eccentric?

    I like the idea of showing him a numbered guest list and making it clear they are the only ones who will be permitted entry to the wedding.

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    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  20.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Mar 23rd 2015
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    Thanks ladies! Hadn't thought of showing him the guest list, we will try that and hopefully he realises there is no extra space! I spoke to my parents (who are paying for half of the venue) and they said to tell him if he wants extra people he will have to pay the £17 per head for each, I don't think he realises that we have to pay for each person so this might get the message across.

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  21.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 28th 2015
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      edited
     
    Bit of an update on this..well not an update but more trouble!!

    OH asked him to be best man along with his uncle as they both raised him (his uncle when his dad wasn't around) and he pretty much said no and that he would prefer OH's uncle to do it. This is fair enough but the reason for it is because he doesn't want to sit on the top table because he wants to sit with all of his children (he has 5 children from 3 different women, 2 of which will be there and don't get on with FIL and his children won't want to sit with him). When we told him there won't be a top table he then said he would be proud of OH's uncle as he was good to OH when he wasn't around! He hasn't once mentioned that he would be on the top table anyway for being OH'sd dad.

    All he talks about is how much he is looking forward to the wedding so he can spend time and sit with his kids and have a 'good drink'. He hasn't once mentioned OH in anything he has spoken about and it seems as though it is his wedding rather than ours.

    He has now told his 2 daughters (OH's half sister's) that they have to wear the same dress as each other (as if they are bridesmaids) and his 2 son's (Oh's half brothers) that they have to wear the same suit as OH. None of them are involved in the wedding in any way and now he has told kids who are as young as 12 what they are doing in a wedding that has nothing to do with him. Their mum has put them straight but we can't understand why he is telling them this without even speaking to us!

    He has told us he is getting a minibus so that all of his kids (again not OH) can get home, when we said that was a silly idea as that would mean telling everybody when they had to leave when they would probably want to go at different times, he would not listen.

    He has also promised us £100 a month to help pay for everything, this was in January when he gave us £100, he then said April he would start paying again, he still has not and says at the moment he doesn't have the money, but he can afford to spend £80 to take OH and his brother's to play golf!

    OH is seeing him tonight and confronting him about everything as he has tried to hint before now but FIL isn't somebody that takes hints very well. So he will be talking to him about everything but I just needed to get it out! I have got to the point where I am wishing the wedding over and regretting not going away to do it!!

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  22.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 28th 2015
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    I'm sorry to hear that. If he doesn't want to be best man, that is a shame but also his choice. His uncle might be delighted to be asked. This might also be a way of getting through to him that as he has turned down this very important role, then he has no say in the wedding.

    I would probably keep details about the wedding quiet so that when you pick bridesmaid dresses etc, the sisters can't have something similar because he won't know what they're like. Will they even want to wear the same thing? Unless they are very young or twins, I would be surprised if they agree to wear the same dress if they are not part of the bridal party and know they are not.

    Good luck to your h2b tonight when he tries to speak with him. X
  23.  
    • MrsEmmaP
      CommentAuthorMrsEmmaP
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 28th 2015
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      edited
     
    Yeah we understand that he might not want to be but the reason is because he wants to sit with his kids, that's it. His uncle was delighted and they have kept his dad out of things since.

    I have already bought my bridesmaid dresses and they know who they are and that they aren't BM's, they will be 13 and almost 18 at the wedding so I can't imagine a 18 year old wanting to wear the same as a 13 year old! I think they do know they aren't bridesmaids but I just don't understand why he is telling them to wear the same!

    Thanks, fingers crossed he gets through to him! x

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    Got together on 14th March 2010
    Got engaged on 25th December 2013
    Became Mrs P on 14th May 2016 - best day ever!
  24.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Apr 29th 2015
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    Sorry to hear you are still having problems Emma. I know you've dropped hints and tried to set him straight along the way but hopefully a proper chat between him and your OH will really set things straight and he can finally get through to him. It's such a shame some people can be so selfish to make your special day about themselves and stick their nose in where it's not wanted nor needed! Fingers crossed xx

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    Happily married
    18th June 2016
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