Wedding Forum - Treading on eggshells family dilemma -...

So .. I have a bit of confirmation needed.

Who will walk me down the aisle is a BIG topic of conversation in my family and my oh's family

My mum and dad split when I was very Young and my step dad (that I've always called dad and has literally always been there for me) has been around since I was about 3.

I had been seeing my dad every Saturday since I was young up until I was about 13 ( I used to hate going it was so boring and usually he would be at work so I'd be stuck with my step mum, 2 step brothers one of which was a nightmare to say the least, my step sister and my half sister. We never did anything and before he met my step mum he used to pay my mum a reasonable child allowance but then went to family court when he met her where court decided that £40 a month would be paid whilst he was working and £10 if not working .. So he immediately quit his job!? He then started working again on the sly and continued to only pay my mum £10 towards my upbringing but treat my step brothers and sisters to things ALL the time.
We stopped speaking after a very heated discussion whilst I was on a school trip in Switzerland beside myself because I didn't want to go because a girl that made my life hell was going but the school said they'd not refund us but agreed to keep her away from me .. The first night at dinner she sat on the same table as me so I went to my room and rang my mum in tears asking her to come and get me; she thought my dad might have been able to convince me to stay instead he called me a spoilt effing brat so I hung up on him and never spoke to him again.. I received nasty letters off my step mum (recorded delivery) saying I thought you were a caring Sharing girl blah blah blah how could I treat them like that they loved me. I ignored them because he never once admit he said that to me on the phone and never once apologised!

Fast forward 7 years ,.. I was in a fuel station 20 miles from home buying oil because work had run out and we had a dry car .. A man came up to me and said 'you'll get that cheaper on the high street love' I looked up and there he was!! I calmly said yeah I know I would DAD and he looked blankly at me so I said yes that's right DAD. He still stood confused so I said his name and all he could say was omg you've changed .. Like really!? He then proceeded to tell me id been awful to my step mum (I had called her a witch to a few people but any 13 year old so annoyed would) and then proceeded to deny that he'd ever said that on the phone .. I don't remember how exactly the conversation finished but I was shaking and in tears and the cashier even said is everything ok ... I drove the 1/4 mile back to work and everyone wondered what the hell has happened so I explained and they told me to ring my mum and go home.

My grandad had only recently had a severe heart attack and was clinically dead for 45 minutes and my uncle who used to be friends with my dad tried to convince me to speak to him again saying these things can happen at any time and would I be able to live with myself if something happened to him and we never made up

Anyway since then he tried adding me on Facebook which I declined then messaged me on Facebook sort of apologising and asked to meet up .. I agreed to see what he had to say but had to do it so my mum didn't know .. We have been speaking every now and then and we meet up to go for a meal every so often and take the dog round to play on his garden (very rarely) but last time we were out my step mum said to my oh at the bar that my dad would really really like to walk me down the aisle - now this was not said in front of me and my oh only told me a few weeks after the event but he was furious!

When we first announced we were getting married I thought it would be nice for my grandad to walk me down the aisle because he's fought with death about 5 times in the last 5 years so would give him something to look forward to and my grandad means the world to me; I sat by his side every single day whilst he was in intensive care lifeless with the doctors telling us to expect him to die; I knew that if that was the case I was not going to miss his last moments alive and told uni I was not attending for the foreseeable. Weeks past and the nurses eventually realised that he was responding to my voice moving his hand towards me and things and he pulled through. It literally was a miracle. But mum says she thinks he'll be too upset to walk me down the aisle and wouldn't want t do a speech so then I decided it would be my step dad who is my dad in my eyes that walks me down the aisle .. He's the one who's always picked up the pieces.

But now I really don't want to hurt my biological dad either ; mum has already said my step dad would be offended if both my dads walked me down the aisle (my step dad wouldn't but that's my mums way of saying she'd be livid because he doesn't deserve it)

Am I right and fair to not even address this with my biological dad and just have my step dad walk me down the aisle on the day or out of courtesy should I have the conversation with him that might break his heart with regret?

I tried to add to the 'is anyone else not having their dad walk them down the aisle thread but it didn't bump it up!

She thinks he'd be too upset even just giving me away which is a shame. So my step dad is my next choice.

I don't know if my biological dad wants to or whether step mum is just interfering

Obviously the fact im having my step dad so you think I should have the conversation prior to the wedding day with biological father or just not address the issue at all?

To me, it sounds as if you don't really want your dad to walk you down the aisle because he hasn't been there for you. Are you even planning on inviting him and your step mum to the wedding if they've been so awful to you?

I would ask your grandad and see what he says. Your mum might be worried about him but you don't know how he feels about it.
You could then ask your step dad to do the speech. x

I like yourselves don't think my biological dad has earnt any right to be walking me down the aisle but still feel guilty that he might want to but my step dad has always been a dad to me even when as a kid we can all be absolutely awful to our parents .. He's the one that's always but a roof over my head, clothed me kept me fed and never but me second after my younger half sister ..

I would have had grandad and my step dad ideally but the aisle in the church isn't wide enough.. I'll speak to my grandad and step dad about it and see :) my poor grandad feels all left out now that my younger sister has finished school and no longer needs a lift to / from school so he's quite sad he has nothing to do; I just feel this will give him more of a purpose in the wedding. He came to my graduation and was in all the photos which was really nice!

I'm not sure my grandad would be good enough on his feet for that tbh; he's got more lives than a cat, been hit by a wagon on his push bike, then a people carrier reversed into him on his push bike then as he recovered he slipped on ice down his drive putting the rubbish bags out and 'dislocated his ankle but it was fine because he'd popped it back in' so when told that was impossible agreed he'd go to hospital where he needed plates then he recovered and fell off his bike breaking his other hip then his heart attack .. I'll give him one thing he's determined and a hell of a lot stronger than anyone I'll ever know!

i wouldnt even bring it up with bio-dad, if he assumes he has that privilege just because he is your dad then it's his own fault for making assumptions. He hasn't been in your life much, so what does he expect? My dad kicked off when i told him he wasn't giving me away, then proceeded to rant about it all being my mums fault that he hadn't been in my life. Er no, I fell out with you at 17 when I was essentially an adult, HIS fault, then didn't speak to him once for about 4 years, and now its been about 15 years I can count on one hand how many times I have seen him. So, no. BUgger off. Didn't end up inviting him at all in the end; do I feel guilt? Yes, of course I do, but I know had i invited him, i would have regret it more.

So you do what you want to do. from what you have said I think you will regret it more if you do have him giving you away, and who cares about upsetting the step mother, sod her, none of her business either.

Sounds like your grandad has been through it but also made of strong stuff :-) that sounds like a lovely idea to get your grandad to walk with your sister xx

I just don't want to upset anyone but either way someone's going to be hurt but my step dad is my real dad in my eyes!

That would be lovely re your Grandad Becci and I'm sure he would be honoured! Lovely idea. xx

Could you bio dad walk you half way and hand you over to your grandad for him to walk you to your h2b ...then you could ask your stepdad to do the speech

I agree with the others. do what you want and don't worry about your bio dads feelings. It really does sound as though its your step mom trying to upset the apple cart to me. too coincidental that the second they get together you start to see him less and his support completely drops off. Then all of a sudden, even though he hasn't been therefor you much growing up he wants such an important role in the day which hasn't even been said by him.

I would do what you have said and have your step dad walk you down the aisle with your granddad with one of the bridesmaids. that is such a lovely way to include him without it being too much that he gets too upset

If I was you Becci93 I would follow my heart. If your heart says just let you step dad who sounds like more of a dad to you then your real dad or talk to your real dad and explain how you feel. Ever way at the end of the day it's your big day and no one can tell you what to day so if you want your step dad to walk you down the aisle then get him to walk you down the aisle but don't let you anyone force you to do anyone you don't want to do. Let it be your choice not anyone else's. I'm going with my heart and letting my dad walk me down the aisle but I'm also letting my mom walk down the aisle with my three bridesmaids so she can carry or walk my and my H2B little son who is going to be our page boy and the person to hold the rings

Goodness, he sounds lucky to be getting an invite to the Wedding, let alone walking you down the aisle! Stick with your gut Hun, and get your Step Dad to walk you down the aisle. Your Step mother shouldn't have said anything, and I think it's so wrong of people to *hint* that certain people should get to play a role in other people's Weddings. It should be entirely your choice!
Good luck! X

You're not over thinking things because it's your wedding day and B2Bs wants their wedding day to be perfect. Just do what you think is best :)

I always over think things! I'm the sort to get all emotional if I see old people living their lives all alone; I just want to please everyone all the time and this is going to be one time where that's not at all possible!

That's true!!

I played the song that in thinking of having for our first dance to one of my brodesmaids yesterday and she turned round and just said "you'll be in floods of tears guaranteed" so whether that means she thinks it's a good idea or I should avoid it I'm not sure! Wish my brain would just function without always feeling sorry for people / things that don't want to be felt sorry for!

I know its just a very permanent and unreversable thing to do

My heart says step dad since mum thinks grandad would be too emotional to do it x