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  1.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    So .. I have a bit of confirmation needed.

    Who will walk me down the aisle is a BIG topic of conversation in my family and my oh's family

    My mum and dad split when I was very Young and my step dad (that I've always called dad and has literally always been there for me) has been around since I was about 3.

    I had been seeing my dad every Saturday since I was young up until I was about 13 ( I used to hate going it was so boring and usually he would be at work so I'd be stuck with my step mum, 2 step brothers one of which was a nightmare to say the least, my step sister and my half sister. We never did anything and before he met my step mum he used to pay my mum a reasonable child allowance but then went to family court when he met her where court decided that £40 a month would be paid whilst he was working and £10 if not working .. So he immediately quit his job!? He then started working again on the sly and continued to only pay my mum £10 towards my upbringing but treat my step brothers and sisters to things ALL the time.
    We stopped speaking after a very heated discussion whilst I was on a school trip in Switzerland beside myself because I didn't want to go because a girl that made my life hell was going but the school said they'd not refund us but agreed to keep her away from me .. The first night at dinner she sat on the same table as me so I went to my room and rang my mum in tears asking her to come and get me; she thought my dad might have been able to convince me to stay instead he called me a spoilt effing brat so I hung up on him and never spoke to him again.. I received nasty letters off my step mum (recorded delivery) saying I thought you were a caring Sharing girl blah blah blah how could I treat them like that they loved me. I ignored them because he never once admit he said that to me on the phone and never once apologised!

    Fast forward 7 years ,.. I was in a fuel station 20 miles from home buying oil because work had run out and we had a dry car .. A man came up to me and said 'you'll get that cheaper on the high street love' I looked up and there he was!! I calmly said yeah I know I would DAD and he looked blankly at me so I said yes that's right DAD. He still stood confused so I said his name and all he could say was omg you've changed .. Like really!? He then proceeded to tell me id been awful to my step mum (I had called her a witch to a few people but any 13 year old so annoyed would) and then proceeded to deny that he'd ever said that on the phone .. I don't remember how exactly the conversation finished but I was shaking and in tears and the cashier even said is everything ok ... I drove the 1/4 mile back to work and everyone wondered what the hell has happened so I explained and they told me to ring my mum and go home.

    My grandad had only recently had a severe heart attack and was clinically dead for 45 minutes and my uncle who used to be friends with my dad tried to convince me to speak to him again saying these things can happen at any time and would I be able to live with myself if something happened to him and we never made up

    Anyway since then he tried adding me on Facebook which I declined then messaged me on Facebook sort of apologising and asked to meet up .. I agreed to see what he had to say but had to do it so my mum didn't know .. We have been speaking every now and then and we meet up to go for a meal every so often and take the dog round to play on his garden (very rarely) but last time we were out my step mum said to my oh at the bar that my dad would really really like to walk me down the aisle - now this was not said in front of me and my oh only told me a few weeks after the event but he was furious!

    When we first announced we were getting married I thought it would be nice for my grandad to walk me down the aisle because he's fought with death about 5 times in the last 5 years so would give him something to look forward to and my grandad means the world to me; I sat by his side every single day whilst he was in intensive care lifeless with the doctors telling us to expect him to die; I knew that if that was the case I was not going to miss his last moments alive and told uni I was not attending for the foreseeable. Weeks past and the nurses eventually realised that he was responding to my voice moving his hand towards me and things and he pulled through. It literally was a miracle. But mum says she thinks he'll be too upset to walk me down the aisle and wouldn't want t do a speech so then I decided it would be my step dad who is my dad in my eyes that walks me down the aisle .. He's the one who's always picked up the pieces.

    But now I really don't want to hurt my biological dad either ; mum has already said my step dad would be offended if both my dads walked me down the aisle (my step dad wouldn't but that's my mums way of saying she'd be livid because he doesn't deserve it)

    Am I right and fair to not even address this with my biological dad and just have my step dad walk me down the aisle on the day or out of courtesy should I have the conversation with him that might break his heart with regret?

    I tried to add to the 'is anyone else not having their dad walk them down the aisle thread but it didn't bump it up!

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  2.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
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      edited
     
    I don't think your biological dad has earned the right to walk you down the aisle and give you away.. it seems bonkers to me that he would even expect to be asked after everything that has happened. I think it would be lovely to have your step dad walk you down the aisle or even your granddad - you say your mum thinks he would be too emotional and wouldn't want to do a speech, but he wouldn't have to do a speech?

    I would make the decision that makes YOU happy and no one else. This is your special day and a moment you will never get back xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  3.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
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    She thinks he'd be too upset even just giving me away which is a shame. So my step dad is my next choice.

    I don't know if my biological dad wants to or whether step mum is just interfering

    Obviously the fact im having my step dad so you think I should have the conversation prior to the wedding day with biological father or just not address the issue at all?

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  4.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
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    Firstly have who you want, don't let anyone pressurise or guilt trip you into having anyone you're not 100% % comfortable with doing the honours as it is a privilege and not a right.

    If you choose not to have your biological dad you need to decide whether he deserves to at least be informed of your decision.

    Members signature icon
    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  5.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    To me, it sounds as if you don't really want your dad to walk you down the aisle because he hasn't been there for you. Are you even planning on inviting him and your step mum to the wedding if they've been so awful to you?

    I would ask your grandad and see what he says. Your mum might be worried about him but you don't know how he feels about it.
    You could then ask your step dad to do the speech. x
  6.  
    • DanielleS0709
      CommentAuthorDanielleS0709
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    It sounds to me like it would be lovely if your grandad walked you down the isle. However if u decide to have your stepdad I would tell your dad he's walking you down the use because he has been in your life more and more of a dad to hurt. He's bound to be upset but hey the truth hurts. May make him think how much time he wasted with you.

    Members signature icon
    21st May 2016 xxx


  7.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
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    I like yourselves don't think my biological dad has earnt any right to be walking me down the aisle but still feel guilty that he might want to but my step dad has always been a dad to me even when as a kid we can all be absolutely awful to our parents .. He's the one that's always but a roof over my head, clothed me kept me fed and never but me second after my younger half sister ..

    I would have had grandad and my step dad ideally but the aisle in the church isn't wide enough.. I'll speak to my grandad and step dad about it and see :) my poor grandad feels all left out now that my younger sister has finished school and no longer needs a lift to / from school so he's quite sad he has nothing to do; I just feel this will give him more of a purpose in the wedding. He came to my graduation and was in all the photos which was really nice!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  8.  
    • MichelleC961
      CommentAuthorMichelleC961
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
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    Def have who you want to walk you down the aisle, maybe if you step dad walks you down the aisle, you could have a grandad/granddaughter dance? Just a nice thought

    I agree that your real dad has not been there for you so why should he give you away?

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  9.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 24th 2015
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    I'm not sure my grandad would be good enough on his feet for that tbh; he's got more lives than a cat, been hit by a wagon on his push bike, then a people carrier reversed into him on his push bike then as he recovered he slipped on ice down his drive putting the rubbish bags out and 'dislocated his ankle but it was fine because he'd popped it back in' so when told that was impossible agreed he'd go to hospital where he needed plates then he recovered and fell off his bike breaking his other hip then his heart attack .. I'll give him one thing he's determined and a hell of a lot stronger than anyone I'll ever know!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  10.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Sep 25th 2015
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    It does sound like your step-Dad has been your real Dad. It also sounds like your biological father has been manipulated by your step-mum, particularly given that he reduced the child support once he met her and gave preferential treatment to her kids. However that is no excuse, he still needed to be a dad to you. I can see why you want your grandfather to do it, and really it's up to you whether to ask him. He could walk you down the aisle and then you could have your step-Dad do the speech. If not then I would say have your step-Dad, and don't worry about your biological father's feelings. It's your day, and he hasn't been there for you so why should he have the honour? It might even make him realise that he hasn't been there for you in the way he should have been.

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    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  11.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Sep 25th 2015
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    i wouldnt even bring it up with bio-dad, if he assumes he has that privilege just because he is your dad then it's his own fault for making assumptions. He hasn't been in your life much, so what does he expect? My dad kicked off when i told him he wasn't giving me away, then proceeded to rant about it all being my mums fault that he hadn't been in my life. Er no, I fell out with you at 17 when I was essentially an adult, HIS fault, then didn't speak to him once for about 4 years, and now its been about 15 years I can count on one hand how many times I have seen him. So, no. BUgger off. Didn't end up inviting him at all in the end; do I feel guilt? Yes, of course I do, but I know had i invited him, i would have regret it more.

    So you do what you want to do. from what you have said I think you will regret it more if you do have him giving you away, and who cares about upsetting the step mother, sod her, none of her business either.

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    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  12.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 25th 2015
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    Thank you ladies :)

    I think my step dad is the best option: i think I steered to my grandad through treading on eggshells as well because I knew that wouldn't upset anyone even though I'd really like him involved .,,
    My younger sister is bridesmaid so I might get him to link with her down the aisle directly before I walk down maybe because I have an odd number of bridesmaids :)

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  13.  
    • MichelleC961
      CommentAuthorMichelleC961
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 25th 2015
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    Sounds like your grandad has been through it but also made of strong stuff :-) that sounds like a lovely idea to get your grandad to walk with your sister xx

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  14.  
    • Mrs T Hurley!
      CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 25th 2015
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    If you feel your dad has not earnt the right to walk you down the aisle, then he shouldn't. If you think that you might regret not having him, however, then you already know the answer.

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    Met 18/09/03
    Engaged 06/09/08
    Getting married 05/09/17
  15.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 26th 2015
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    I just don't want to upset anyone but either way someone's going to be hurt but my step dad is my real dad in my eyes!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  16.  
    • MichelleC961
      CommentAuthorMichelleC961
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 26th 2015
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    I think you've just answered your own question- you step dad is ur real dad in your eyes, he's been there for you where's your real dad chose to not have contact with you for years. Follow your heart- with weddings I think there are always going to be people that are upset, true and loyal family and friends will stick with you no matter what you decide, these are the people that will want what's best for you and to enjoy your special day with you :-) xx

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  17.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Sep 26th 2015
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    That would be lovely re your Grandad Becci and I'm sure he would be honoured! Lovely idea. xx

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    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  18.  
    • CarolH81
      CommentAuthorCarolH81
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Sep 26th 2015
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    You do what you want to do, I don't speak to my dad, my mum has remarried but I was an adult and left home years ago. I have my brother in law giving me away at the blessing, Said my stepdad can give me away at registry office, Stepdad has tried to muscle in saying he will do a speech at the blessing I have told him he is not and told him who will be doing the speeches, he is not happy but tough!
    Don't let anyone bully you. If you want your granddad speak to him direct maybe him and your stepdad can do half and half x
  19.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Sep 27th 2015
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    Could you bio dad walk you half way and hand you over to your grandad for him to walk you to your h2b ...then you could ask your stepdad to do the speech

  20.  
    • LadyC
      CommentAuthorLadyC
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Sep 27th 2015
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    I really hope this doesn't sound awful... it doesn't sound as though your biological father has been too concerned with hurting your feelings over the years sweetie.

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    xx Lady Charlotte Chamberlain to be! xx
    xx Marrying my soul mate on 22nd July 2016 xx

  21.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 28th 2015
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    I agree with the others. do what you want and don't worry about your bio dads feelings. It really does sound as though its your step mom trying to upset the apple cart to me. too coincidental that the second they get together you start to see him less and his support completely drops off. Then all of a sudden, even though he hasn't been therefor you much growing up he wants such an important role in the day which hasn't even been said by him.

    I would do what you have said and have your step dad walk you down the aisle with your granddad with one of the bridesmaids. that is such a lovely way to include him without it being too much that he gets too upset

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    Met in 2009
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  22.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 28th 2015
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    Thanks ladies!!

    You've made me feel a bit better about leaving him out of the day now; he can be guest but that is all!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  23.  
    • JoanneH4
      CommentAuthorJoanneH4
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 30th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    If I was you Becci93 I would follow my heart. If your heart says just let you step dad who sounds like more of a dad to you then your real dad or talk to your real dad and explain how you feel. Ever way at the end of the day it's your big day and no one can tell you what to day so if you want your step dad to walk you down the aisle then get him to walk you down the aisle but don't let you anyone force you to do anyone you don't want to do. Let it be your choice not anyone else's. I'm going with my heart and letting my dad walk me down the aisle but I'm also letting my mom walk down the aisle with my three bridesmaids so she can carry or walk my and my H2B little son who is going to be our page boy and the person to hold the rings
  24.  
    • CharlotteE98
      CommentAuthorCharlotteE98
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Sep 30th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Sounds to me like you've pretty much answered your own question. If you would be happier having your stepdad walk you down the aisle then go with it. If your dad or stepmum really kick up a stink then maybe you can find another job for your dad to do. My dad walked me down the aisle and my stepdad did a reading. I wanted my stepdad to have an important role as he's been very supportive over the years and he helped out so much with wedding bits, but he didn't want to step on my dad's toes doing a speech etc.

    At the end of the day it's your wedding and nobody has the right to put pressure on you to do something you don't want to xx
  25.  
    • NikkiE58
      CommentAuthorNikkiE58
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Sep 30th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Goodness, he sounds lucky to be getting an invite to the Wedding, let alone walking you down the aisle! Stick with your gut Hun, and get your Step Dad to walk you down the aisle. Your Step mother shouldn't have said anything, and I think it's so wrong of people to *hint* that certain people should get to play a role in other people's Weddings. It should be entirely your choice!
    Good luck! X
  26.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Sep 30th 2015
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      edited
     
    My mums just as bad with my step dad in all fairness but it was always a choice between my grandad and step dad I just felt as though I would regret hurting my real dad but as you've all said he's not really been bothered about me in his life. I just don't want him to live on regretting how he's treat me but that's based on the premise that he thinks into things as much as I do!! He might not even care or think twice about it i might just be over thinking things!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  27.  
    • JoanneH4
      CommentAuthorJoanneH4
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    You're not over thinking things because it's your wedding day and B2Bs wants their wedding day to be perfect. Just do what you think is best :)
  28.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
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    Becci if he doesn't want to live on regretting how he's treated you then that's his problem and for him to worry about - not you! If he wanted to pull his finger out and be there as a proper dad to you then he could have done at any point. May sound harsh but in my eyes that's how I see it! He's neither earned the right to walk you down the aisle nor the privilege for you to worry about hurting or upsetting him xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  29.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
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    I always over think things! I'm the sort to get all emotional if I see old people living their lives all alone; I just want to please everyone all the time and this is going to be one time where that's not at all possible!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  30.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    I know exactly what you mean as I am exactly the same! I have learnt though that there has to come a point where it stops and you put yourself first for a change without worrying what other people will think, and if you can't put yourself and your happiness first on your wedding day then when can you?! :) xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  31.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
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    That's true!!

    I played the song that in thinking of having for our first dance to one of my brodesmaids yesterday and she turned round and just said "you'll be in floods of tears guaranteed" so whether that means she thinks it's a good idea or I should avoid it I'm not sure! Wish my brain would just function without always feeling sorry for people / things that don't want to be felt sorry for!

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  32.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
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    Don't feel sorry about or for anyone over something that is an honour.

    My SIL has very strong feelings about their dad and stuff that happened in terms of her perception of how he treated them growing up, if it was up to her she'd have absolutely nothing to do with him, so when she got married hubby walked her down the aisle and did the speech, my FIL apparently was lucky to even get an invite as a regular guest.

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    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  33.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
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    I know its just a very permanent and unreversable thing to do

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  34.  
    • JoanneH4
      CommentAuthorJoanneH4
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    What is your heart telling you to do?
  35.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 1st 2015
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    My heart says step dad since mum thinks grandad would be too emotional to do it x

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  36.  
    • JoanneH4
      CommentAuthorJoanneH4
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Oct 7th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Then follow your heart
 
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