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  1.  
    • Ruth
      CommentAuthorRuth
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hello! This is my first topic on here, and I'm rather new, so I apologise if I do things wrong! o.o

    So, I have 4 bridesmaids and a Matron of Honor, all of them very close to me and have helped me dearly for many years. They've all been asked to be a part of my party and each accepted with great enthusiasm! However, this is where my problems begin:

    Whilst the MoH and 3 of the bridesmaids and happy and helping, respecting my choices and making suggestions based on my likes/dislikes, my fourth bridesmaid, (I'm going to call T) has caused a bit of upset for me, and it's really getting me down.

    She has plenty of enthusiasm, so it's not like she's not doing anything at all! Infact, the problem is that she has TOO much enthusiasm! When I first asked her to be my bridesmaid, she was a little hurt that I didn't want her as maid of honor, but understood why I chose my MoH. However, since then, whenever I talk to her about things, T is making it seem like her day, and what she wants to do, rather than me. I'll list when I mean:

    Regarding the bridesmaid dresses. Everyone is completely happy with the dress choices I've made, and so was she to begin with. But then, a few weeks later, T decides that she doesn't like it. That has happened about 3 or 4 times, saying she doesn't like the dress and tries to recommend dresses that I personally think aren't acceptable for a formal wedding (short dresses instead of full length) or are much busier than my own wedding dress. I finally settled on a dress that I adore and the others do too, and whilst T does also, she said "If I don't look good in it, I'm not wearing it".

    Also regarding dresses, I have anxiety issues and really do not want to go wedding dress shopping. I want to go to a tailor to get me and my maids measured, but I don't want to go trying on dresses. T decided that she's going to practically drag me out to try on dresses and every time we talk, she's always discussing about how much she can't wait to try on dresses, but I'm adamant I want to buy the dresses online.

    Another thing that upsets me is that T hasn't met my partner yet. She said that if she doesn't like him she wouldn't let me marry him and she'd object and kick up a fuss at the wedding. It's sad that she's said this, as she doesn't seem to respect my choice in life-partner... Also, when assigning ushers to the bridesmaids for the dance, she was really picky on who I set her with, as the person I initially wanted her to dance with (they share personalities), didn't look "good enough" for her, so she picked herself who she wanted to dance with. I'm not overly fussed with this, but it is just one dance and sitting next to them for the meal, and they will be meeting beforehand to get to know one another.

    Hen nights is another problem. My MoH just had her wedding and hasn't really thought about the night out, so I decided that I'd plan it too. Most of my party cannot drink due to medical reasons or age restrictions (my sister - who is a bridesmaid - will be 15), and I'm the same. The only one in the party who can drink is T. When I told her that the hen night would be a meal, shopping and a sleep over movie night, she completely denied that night and told me that no matter what, she was taking us all to a club and going drinking, getting a stripper, etc, when it's really not something I can do or want to do! Personally, I think a stripper before a wedding is a horrible idea and isn't the least bit attractive. But when I said that I do not want that, she's constantly putting me down, saying that it's not a good idea and her idea is better, and that she'll take me out no matter what. She's completely disregarding restrictions of myself and my other party members just so she can get what she wants and get drunk.

    Maybe I'm being completely selfish and picky, but the fact that she's taking control of things and wanting to do things her way and no other really upsets me. She's a really good friend but this has made me really regret asking her to be my bridesmaid and I nor my partner no longer want her on the wedding party. My other half really doesn't want any drama on our day (is why we're not inviting some members of my family, and having a ring blessing a month later with them instead) and this is drama we could do without. The problem is, if I tell her this, she'll no longer wish to talk to me and is one of those people who you really don't want to get on the bad side of :(.

    We're getting married in March 2016, so it is a while away yet. But I'm organizing things now as next year I have my 3rd year of Uni to go through and stress will be super high! I'm also glad I have got things organized now, as I wouldn't want stress like this with only a few months to go!

    What should I do? Should I grin and bare the controlling organization, the potential whining on the hen night, the potential change in dress from everyone else and the potential for a bit of drama and drunkenness on the wedding day? Or should I inform her that I really don't like her attitude towards it and if she doesn't change, she's off the party?

    Help would be so much appreciated! And sorry for such a long, rant-y post! :(.
  2.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hi Ruth. Firstly, welcome and congratulations!

    I think it's sad when other people try to make the day about them. It's YOUR day and whatever you want to do should be respected by everyone. Sure, people can offer advice (when it's welcome) and bounce ideas off you but you don't have to take it and you shouldn't be made to feel like you're being selfish or picky (which you definitely aren't)!

    I think choosing bridesmaids dresses can be hard as obviously you want them to all feel comfortable and gorgeous on the big day, but they also need to compromise and open their minds up to something they perhaps don't 100% like as it is your day. If everyone likes them then I would leave it at that - if she doesn't want to wear it on the day then she doesn't have to - she just won't be a bridesmaid after will she!

    Re. meeting your partner, it sounds as if she may have been joking a bit.. Surely she can't seriously say something like that?

    I would like a hen night much like the one you have in mind. I don't think there's any need to go out and just get drunk and make a fool of yourself; it's much better to do something that you will enjoy and actually remember! If she doesn't like what you have planned then that's her problem, and again, she doesn't HAVE to come if she doesn't want to.

    I think you need to let her know in a friendly way that enough is enough now. Make it clear that this is your day and you are finding her a bit over-bearing. She needs to respect the fact that it's your day. If she still doesn't get the picture after speaking about it like an adult then I guess you should then consider warning her that if she doesn't change her attitude you will have to re-think her bridesmaid status. She may not even realise she's doing it though? Maybe she's just so wrapped up in the excitement of it all that she just can't contain herself. She may be horrified that you think she's being this way! You never know until you sit down with her and have a proper chat about it. Hopefully things will work themselves out :)

    You also mentioned she was gutted about not being your MOH - maybe she's trying to over compensate for this and trying to make you think that you made the wrong choice. x

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  3.  
    • Ruth
      CommentAuthorRuth
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi Flossie, and thanks for the message!

    I think what you've suggested is a good idea - I don't mind her taking off the dress when it comes to the night, but I would like her to wear it at the ceremony and during the wedding breakfast.

    I think she was joking a little, but she is the kind of person who will speak her mind in disapproval, and I really don't want sulky faces on the day if she doesn't like him! It's getting him really upset, and the fact that she mentioned it even jokingly is quite saddening.

    I think the hen night and the night party is what she is most excited for, to be honest. She likes to have a party and gets really wild whilst doing so. I want to make sure everyone has a good time, which is why I'm okay with her drinking at the meal and probably having a bottle of wine during the sleep over, but she's so adamant that I have to have this big party that it's getting really irritating with the suggestion.

    I think she knows she's going a bit too far, as I have mentioned it to her before, but I will mention it again! She needs to chill it a little, and I'll mention to her about her attitude - thanks for the suggestion! I think I do need a really big chat.

    And you may be right there - I didn't think of it like that. I'm sure I've made the right choice, though, as my MoH is my best friend in the world! I was also MoH at her wedding, and it's an honor to have her as MoH to mine :).

    Thanks again for suggestions, I'll get on with talking to her!
  4.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Tbh i think she need bring down a peg or two .....the comment about your fiance ,i said exactly the same to my god daughter as i only met her fiance the day before the wedding ...she even suggested that i "interview" him for the job

  5.  
    • Ruth
      CommentAuthorRuth
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I've had to leave her a polite and friendly offline message (she lives quite far away and I don't do phone calls!) explaining all the problems I have with things, and that I'd like her to tone down a bit. Hopefully she'll be okay with what I've said :).

    She knows that my partner has helped me through probably my roughest time of my life, and I'm here today because of his help! I'm a lot happier because of his involvement in my life, so I'm really confused and upset that she is hesitant of him. He's a silly person, and I know that she won't like that, but I love that about him. I don't want her to say "I don't want you marrying him" because of something that she doesn't like, but I love!

    Either way, I've messaged her about things and I'll update with any response she's made :). I really want her to be there, but the way she has been acting has made me not want her there!
  6.  
    • Ruth
      CommentAuthorRuth
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    She seems somewhat upset and is frustrated that I took things to heart, but I'm sure she understands and will continue to be enthusiastic, but not overly so! Thanks for your suggestions!
  7.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hopefully that's the nudge she needs to calm things down a little. Hope it gets easier for you x

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  8.  
    • JennK
      CommentAuthorJennK
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    well done for sending her a message, it is often difficult to deal with these sorts of conversations!

    Members signature icon
    Our perfect day - 08.08.15 <3


  9.  
    • sALLY
      CommentAuthorsALLY
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
     
    Honestli if shes a friend she would understand she needs to back off a little, maybe take her out and tell her one to one that she just needs to calm it a little and it your day your choosing things if she doesnt like the dress then dont be a bridesmaid.

    Im not having any bridesmaids as i knew it would be more hassle and no one to look after their children at the wedding but i have asked one of them to be my witness and sign our wedding certificate this has already caused problems and annoyed my other friend plus they both keep dissagreeing about my hen due think im gonna have to organise something myself but just dont want awkwardness on the night or at my wedding. we have just under a year to the wedding and i feel like one of my friends wont come to the wedding if things carry on this way :( im trying hard to get them together for a girlie day but they cant seem to decide on one day that suits both and im the one who has to work around 2 kids and my partner working!
  10.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    My MOH has been a little bit too helpful as well. In the end I did my own hen night as she had too much on her plate, but she is always suggesting things and saying "you don't have to do what everyone else does". She doesn't get that we might actually like the traditions. Her latest thing is that we should go into town after the evening do to carry on celebrating. I hate town, not a chance. You may just need to be really stubborn with her and stick to your guns.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  11.  
    • sALLY
      CommentAuthorsALLY
      Posted: Aug 22nd 2014
     
    elinor you mean after your wedding go into town?? im all for a night out now and then but not in my wedding dress!! and im sure all youll want to do is snuggle up with your new husband
 
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