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  1.  
    • Celtic_Queen
      CommentAuthorCeltic_Queen
      Got married 34 months ago
      Posted: Oct 9th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hello fellow brides, I haven't posted for a while. It has been a summer from hell. I hope I have posted in the right place and I am so so so sorry for how long my post is, it is just that so much has gone and is going on.

    My dear Mam died in July at the young age of 51, medical negligence is definitely a large contributing factor in her death. I am 24, severely disabled by my mental health problems (a disorder I will have for life) and she was the only person I believe would have never given up on me like everyone else. My dad has walked out and my Fiance has walked out and while they both came back it haunts me that they had had enough, if they can do it once they can do it again.

    My Mam was so excited for the wedding, she was buying little bits for us, like butterfly place cards and favor boxes, we would be on the phone for hours talking about all sorts of things for the wedding, including the outfit she was going to wear and how to solve different dilemmas. Without her guidance I feel so alone in planning this wedding, not to downplay my Fiance's efforts because he is interested and gives his opinion, but it is different between a mother and daughter I feel.

    Her loss has completely broken my heart and devastated me, she was my best friend, my confidante, she went in on the Thursday and on the Friday my uncle rushed me to her side, driving an 8 hour round trip to come and get me and I held her hand as they turned off her life support so that she would slowly slip away. I knew I would face losing her one day and in the last year or so there had been a few close calls and weeks in intensive care, but I never though for a minute that I would lose her so soon and like this. The day of her funeral was sunny which she would have liked and she had some beautiful flowers, the funeral did her justice at least. My Fiance was a pallbearer for her and at least I can marry him knowing that she loved him already as a son-in-law.

    As well as losing her, I had my benefits stopped for a while and I had no choice but to fight for it back, without that money my Fiance and I would be in serious trouble and destitution. I cannot work and my Fiance cannot leave me because of the level of care I need, he is my full time carer and so his money was stopped too, thankfully we have had a lot of help, we fought back and recently I was given mine back and we are waiting to hear about my Fiance's.

    We also have had two pets die, the NHS has discharged me because there is no more they can do for me, the severity of my illness is such that there is nothing they can do despite my going through numerous different therapies, being on high levels of different meds and talking to my psychiatrist (that is what I was told). I did try to start doing Avon this week but they were naughty and did not tell me that I would have to declare myself as self-employed to the HMRC and DWP -I was so excited to try but I cannot risk our money for anything. I only found out because I came across it by chance on the reps chat website. I have also had a friend from North Wales pressuring me to have him and his girlfriend (they are 20 & 19) who I have met once for two hours to stay, I have told him before that my Fiance and I have to meet her a few times first and I have told him that I am too ill for visitors, I struggle enough having family to stay (I live in South Wales nr Cardiff) but his response was "Oh come on Soph.....". They are so cheeky, I saw on FB his girlfriend posted on last thursday "I just want a weekend away", my friend replied "me too" and then she replied "We will have to sort it out soon" - the very next day I get yet another text asking if they can come and see us, then on Saturday my friend posted about a new game he is buying that was £50!. I really feel like they are just trying to use me and the next time he texts me I don't know what I will do, I have not replied.

    He is a good lad and has never been like this before, we have known him for years, I think it is his girlfriend (who from what he has told us is jealous, possessive, obsessive, attention-seeking and full of drama) pressuring him and he is too cheap to pay for a hotel. If they were that desperate to see us they could stay in a hotel near us for like £30-£40 a night!

    Last night she tried to cause drama because I didn't "like" something she posted on a photo of mine, she then did a status that she was "very angry" and when I messaged her asking what was up - she ignored me, but when I sent another message saying if she had a problem with me to out it, suddenly she said that my friend had turned up 5 hours late for a meet up and then this morning said that he had got lost.........in a town he knows like the back of his hand. Its all bull!!!! What would you ladies do? I care about my friend and don't want to leave him alone in her clutches but right no I am SO angry and dissapointed in him, I want to turn to him and say that neither of them are coming ever again, I don't need this crap right now and I cannot believe that my friend could be so unsympathetic, my Mam only passed 4/5 months ago!!!!!

    My Fiance and I have been struggling badly under the stress, grief and devastation.

    I cannot believe that I will not have my Mam there on the morning of the wedding getting ready with me, I will not be able to hug her as a wife, she will not get to see my Fiance and I sealing the deal and so so so so much more. We have been engaged for a few years now and I feel so incredibly guilty that we should have done it sooner, it was just that we haven't been able to afford to until now. I think only other brides can truly understand the pain of planning a wedding motherless, fatherless or parentless, her absence has made wedding planning very painful and I haven't been able to even glance at the wedding magazines plopping on my doormat (subscription).

    I have been given one of her rings as my engagement ring, it is 18 carat gold with 7, 1 carat each diamonds in a flower cluster setting, it is beautiful but I would rather have her.

    I am so grateful to have my dad and I adore him but gosh, I would do anything to get her back, I want my mother back.

    The only positive things that have/are happened/happening is that my Fiance and I will celebrate 7 years together on Halloween, my best friend and I mended an argument that was between us, we had not talked in about 2 years and I was on a local bus where my parents/dad lives and she and her mother got on, I spoke to her mother who knew my Mam and told her she had passed away (I was going shopping because I wanted retail therapy, this was about 3 days after she had passed) when we got to the local town my friend came up to me and without a word hugged me tight, I sobbed into her shoulder there and then.
    Having her back means the world to me and I will not lose her again, I want to ask her to be MOH and I doubt she will say no, but with my groom having no one on his side and them being good friends, I am not sure which side we should ask her to be on, she hates dresses.
    My dad and I are going on holiday to a luxury, all inc hotel in Turkey on the 21st which I cannot wait for, I cant wait to feel the sun on my skin and sand between my toes.

    My mental health was bad enough anyway, My head is a mess and I have attempted suicide numerous times between her death and now, I have also been struggling with self harm and have new scars on my already scarred arm.
    I don't know how I can live without her, I loved her more than the whole universe, she was the best mother in the world and had the kindest, most loving heart of anyone I know.

    My only consolation is that when she was here earlier this year, she helped me try my dress on to see if it could be altered down (from a 12/14 to a 4/6 - My Mam handmade her veil and wedding dress when she married my dad in 1980, she was great at making clothes) and I have photos of me and her together. I hope to use her veil too.

    Do any other brides know how I feel? How can I include her more in my day? How do I carry on?
    The guilt about not marrying sooner is eating me alive.I cannot help but feel it should have been me and not her, she was just starting to get her life back, I will never have one.

    I am crying writing this post, any advice is welcome.
  2.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Oct 9th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hello,
    I am so sorry to hear this.

    First of all breathe, it must be impossible to loose someone so close as your mom. You need to trust and rely on your dad and fiancé. They comeback to you and you can now rely on them. Talk to them. Tell them how to help you. They cannot help if they don't know how. I suffer with mental health issues and I had to do exactly that with my OH and now he knows what to do to help me. He couldn't read my mind and know himself but now he does know it's truely a god send.

    Your wedding day will be emotional but there are little touches you can do to ensure that she is with you. You can get a photo of her to carry with your bouquet and set up a place with a bunch of her favourite flowers. Remember she will always be with you in your heart. Xx

    Your friend should do one. Tell him you need time to rest and that they cannot stay with you for the time being. If he doesn't understand and respect that he's a stupid head (I can't put the words on here that I want to!)

    We are here to support you. Take care and post when you need to xxxxxxxx

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  3.  
    • FutureMrsW
      CommentAuthorFutureMrsW
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Oct 9th 2016
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

    My mum passed away in January 2015 and, although my fiancé and I had been together for three years we weren't engaged at the time, he proposed that March with one of my mum's rings. I did not have the pleasure of discussing my wedding with her, though like you I feel glad that she knew and loved my H2B so dearly, but I do understand the overwhelming sorrow at both losing your mother and planning a wedding without her.

    The first thing I wanted to say is that it won't be easy and doesn't really get much easier with time but, rather, your ability to cope with it all will grow, and - somehow - you will be able to cope. Like you my mum was my confidante, my best friend. The loss of your greatest ally is painful and it is hard when you realise that you won't find the same kind of relationship again - not until we have our own grown-up children, at least.

    Reading back through this it sounds awful (because it is) but it honestly does get better over time. I remember in the days afterward searching for my own retail therapy and the empty, hollow feeling and ringing in my ears. I couldn't believe that everyone else/ the world was going on around me like everything was supposed to be normal and OK when it never would be again. But today when I was out I bought some (bargain!) candle holders for table decorations and I was happy and thinking about the wedding gladly and pleased to have such a wonderful thing to look forward to.

    I don't know what changed between then and now but the only thing really is time has passed. Though I couldn't imagine ever thinking about my wedding in a 'glad' way without sadness, I find now that I am able to. Life has moved on. Now that's not to say that I don't still achingly miss my mum every day - I do. Nor does it mean I don't often wish I could call her to to ask her advice or opinion, I still want to, several times a day. You will get flashes of jealousy when you see brides with their mums at bridal shops or wedding fairs. I'm saying this to reassure you that it is normal, and other people understand, and though it will always be tough you will be able to refocus and look forward to things (like your wedding) again.

    As to things that have helped, I think the thing that helps me the most is knowing that what she would want most in the world is for me to be happy and looking forward to my wedding day. She can't be there, and that sucks, but wanting to make her happy has been a big thing in my path to OK-ness. I want to plan a great day and have a great time because that's what she would have wanted. I am using the creative and artistic talents she gave and nurtured in me as much as I can, making dresses, centerpieces, decorations and the wedding stationery. Though I miss her more every day she is with me in all the little things I do and that makes me happy.

    I hope this has been of some comfort. Know that you are not alone and you can vent or cry here at any time. Try to look for the positives in each day and have hope - do it for her :)

    Oh and next time your friend tries to blag a stay tell him to jog on. You are allowed, you need to be selfish at this time. Take care of yourself how she would have done so that her life is carried on and not forgotten. Good luck sweetheart xx




  4.  
    • MrsPrestleton2be
      CommentAuthorMrsPrestleton2be
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 9th 2016
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    I am so sorry for your loss Hun. My mom passed away when I was 13. We included her in our day by having a picture of her at the ceremony and then put it on our top table with our cake for the reception. My sister also had a picture made to put on my bouquet so she would be with me walking down the aisle (I will add pictures to show you mine). As for your friend if he can't understand that you need more time then I'm sorry but he's not much of a friend. His girlfriend shouldn't just assume she can stay as you don't know her. Sounds like she just wanted a cheap get away. Massive hugs hunnie. Your mom would be proud of you and will be with you every second of every day x
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    Members signature icon
    met 2008
    Engaged 2010
    Married 16th September 2016
    I Married my soul mate, my best friend, my life!
  5.  
    • KatieH
      CommentAuthorKatieH
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 10th 2016
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    So sorry for your loss xx

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2007
    Started dating in 2009
    Got engaged in 2014
    Became Mrs Holme 11.06.16
  6.  
    • Celtic_Queen
      CommentAuthorCeltic_Queen
      Got married 34 months ago
      Posted: Oct 10th 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Gosh, Thank you all so much for your touching and heartfelt responses. It really means the world to me, it truly does.

    I think I will try and do a charm around my bouquet and a nice shrine like bit for her, thank you for the ideas, my Mam loved Daffodils so I think I will have a special corner for her with them. I lost my Grandad (My Mam's dad) in April 2018 and I lost my Nana when I was 14 - I think that I will have a dedication table for them all.

    EmilyV17 - Your comment about my friend managed to put a smile on my face, thank you :) Thank you so much for your support, big love and hugs back to you <3 xxxx

    FutureMrsW - Thank you so so much for sharing your feelings and experiences as someone further down the path than I. I am sorry that you lost you Mam too but it is nice to know I am not the only bride to be in this position. Your words have been comforting and I am grateful, it is hard to know what to do. I will tell my friend to jog on if he dares to ask me again (probably will- the damn cheek!) I feel fortunate that at least my Mam did do a bit of wedding planning with me, you helped me see that. Big hugs and love to you <3 xxxxx

    MrsPrestleton2be - The charm on your bouquet and the wording on the photo that you displayed are beautiful, may I ask what the responses from the guests were like about them? I didn't think to put them bgy the cake, thank you so much for the suggestion <3 I think you are right about my friend and his GF, I think she demands and he ignores, if he really wanted to go away with her he could but would rather keep messaging me in the hopes I give in and let him here. After all this, they will never come here, I refuse to let people use me. My Fiance will deal with him from now on, he is just as angry as I am.

    Thank you KatieH <3


    My deepest gratitude to everyone here, your support and kind words are comforting, helpful and touching. <3 I am so glad to have other brides there for me.
  7.  
    • MrsPrestleton2be
      CommentAuthorMrsPrestleton2be
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 11th 2016
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    Celtic_queen my friends and family loved it. I had some really positive responses. They all said what a wonderful tribute it was for her. X

    Members signature icon
    met 2008
    Engaged 2010
    Married 16th September 2016
    I Married my soul mate, my best friend, my life!
  8.  
    • LaurenD45
      CommentAuthorLaurenD45
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 12th 2016
      BadgeBadge
     
    I am very sorry for your loss and your situation.
    Although I don't have any solutions to your problems I will offer you my prayers and hope that you find a way of coping xx
  9.  
    • StaceyH989
      CommentAuthorStaceyH989
      Got married 33 months ago
      Posted: Oct 14th 2016
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi Celtic_queen, I am very sorry for your loss. All the ladies above have offered some amazing advice. A friend of mine got married two years ago and he lost his own mum to cancer, on the table where he had the card box he put a lovely candle with some wording on it dedicated to her and some lovely photos of them together. There are plenty of ways to include her and remember her on your big day and I am 100% certain that she will be with you be your side. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time xxx
  10.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Oct 14th 2016
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    So sorry for your sad loss Celtic Queen.

    Like others have said, there are some lovely gestures you can do as a way of remembering and honuring your mum at the wedding. Photos of her in some way - maybe her on her wedding day if that is appropriate? A locket with a photo so she is close to your heart or in the bouquet. I know it's the same as losing your Mum, but I was very close to my grandmother so I wanted something to remind me of her on our day, so I included her favourite flower as part of my bouquet and in the other wedding flowers.

    Sending you lots of love, thoughts and hugs at this very difficult time xx

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  11.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 7 years ago
      Posted: Oct 16th 2016
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    CQ I'm sort sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you lots of hugs

    Take each day as it comes, slowly it will get easier. Don't do anything you don't feel ready for. Your so called "friend" can go do one with his girlfriend, how selfish and insensitive of them.

    Remember everyone on here will be here if you feel you need to talk about things and how you're feeling xxx

    Members signature icon
    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  12.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Oct 16th 2016
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    Celtic Queen I'm so sorry to hear everything that you've been through. Did your mum have some favourite music that you could include in the ceremony? Maybe a favourite flower that could be in your bouquet. My SIL's (brother's wife) dad died about three months before the wedding. His photo was there, he was mentioned at the beginning, and when her brother gave her away, he said "on behalf of my Dad, and my Mum, I do". Maybe your father could do something similar. Certainly stand firm with your friend. How near Cardiff are you? There are plenty of budget hotels of decent quality.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

 
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