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  1.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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    Sorry ladies, but need to vent as this has been whirling around in my head for a little while now.

    Okay, so at our wedding we decided that we wanted to have two flower girls to accompany my sister, who is to be bridesmaid. I have a niece, who will be 4 at the wedding, and my OH has a neice who will be 3. We thought by leaving it at that we have representation from both sides of the family. Altogether we have 5 children coming along - the two flowers girls, my brother's two sons and my OH's nephew/cousin. So there wasn't 1 child who was left with nothing to do, we decided to just go with two flower girls to accompany my sister and leave it at that.

    Now, I may be being totally paranoid, but I think this decision has offended my brother and sister-in-law that we've not asked their two boys to be part. We just wanted to make it fair so one child didn't feel left out.

    Earlier this week it was my nephew's birthday meal - we couldn't actually go because my OH had friends visiting us. Unfortunately OH was not well so we had to cancel our plans. This then meant that we were free, even though OH was really not well. I contacted my brother and said when would be a good time for me to drop by and give nephew his birthday present and card. I was told to go to the restaurant when the family meal was. So, I get to the restaurant and again I could be being paranoid, but I got theh distinct impression that my SIL was not overly welcoming and seemed a bit off. In fact, last time she did my hair, I felt that she was not her usual self with me. When my Aunt arrived and SIL's sister, she was totally different in welcoming them. I was then left standing a bit like a lemon, whilst my nephew was directed to the other two people who had arrived to accept their gifts. My Dad then arrived to say that Mum wanted my parking space, to which my brother replied: You'd better go then. Again I may be reading into things, but I said I hadn't given nephew his birthday present. I then tried to strike up conversation with SIL, but she seemed to either not hear or decided to talk to her sister instead. I gave the gift and left and was actually really upset.

    My brother has also apparently said to my Mum that he isn't happy that they are the only members of the family who haven't got a room at the hotel and said I didn't let him know that the rooms were available to be booked. I didn't let him know because he had set from the outset when he knew where our venue was to be that he was going to take his caravan and use the campsite nearby. I took this as gospel.

    Now, I could be wrong, but I also wanted my sister's little girl to have just one day where she felt special too. She's had an awful time. My sister and her partner have separated and her father has told her that he doesn't love her and she will need to find a new Daddy - she's 3! The boys, on the other hand, have everything you could imagine and I just wanted my niece to have a bit of attention on her for a change. I now feel like I've offended my SIL and brother, but I have spoken to my OH and he said it's about us and what we want, not about them - ie brother and SIL.

    It's quite a difficult situation, but when the boys were Christened my SIL's sisters were asked to be godmothers, but me and my sister weren't. In fact, they were going to ask my sister at one point, but not me. They arrange children's parties and dont invite their niece. I know wrongs don't make rights, but I feel all of the joy about our wedding being zapped out of me as I feel that I'm constantly upsetting them.

    I don't feel comfortable in tackling this head on, but not sure what to do really! We don't have a particularly close relationship my brother and I and we only really see each other a few times a year.

    PS sorry for the long post!!!

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  2.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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    I think your OH is right - it is your day, your wedding and you should be able to have what you want without worrying about upsetting anyone. It seems really petty that they would be upset about their boys not being asked to be a part of the wedding - why should they be asked, just because they are family? If you don't spend much time with them and aren't particularly close to them then I think it's rude that they would presume they would be asked. They shouldn't be asked just for the sake of it, and just having an invite to the wedding should be more than enough! Some people don't have children at their weddings at all!

    I know what you're saying about the two wrongs not making a right... I feel the same way about a family situation of mine too. I don't want to invite my uncle, his wife and their 2 kids (I've not even met one of them and she is 3 now, she is my own cousin!!). OH and I were never invited to her christening as apparently it was "immediate family only", although my grandparents NEIGHBOURS got an invitation??? We don't want to stoop down to their level and be petty, but we think if we weren't important enough to share something big in their lives, then why should they be important enough to share ours?

    Stick to your guns and try not to let it get to you. At the end of the day it is their problem if they're feeling upset about it and a problem that they need to deal with, not you.

    Sometimes you just feel a bit better about it for having a rant xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  3.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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    I think it's more of the fact that SIL perceives that my brother doesn't get treated the same in the family as me and my sister. My mum changed her profile picture on Facebook the other day to one of myself, brother and my sister and SIL commented that it was nice to see a family picture for a change of my brother. She's made remarks too in the past about how when they set up home together, our parents didn't help financially, but hers did and asked me if my parents helped me to get on the property ladder. It's also always about how much her sisters and parents do for the boys. Mum and Dad are always asking my brother to see more of the boys, but are rarely ask to babysit, only when they can't get anybody else - they ask their friends before my parents are asked. I know how much it upsets my mum and that upsets me.

    I also think it may be because she offered to do my hair and make up - she's a hairdresser. I said that would be nice at the time, but when OH said he wanted an earlier wedding I contacted her to say that it would be too much to do my hair and make up and get herself and the two boys ready for a ceremony at 12. I was thinking of her stress levels and also because when I looked into it, I wanted the airbrush make up.

    In a way, I can see their point of view about not asking their boys and seeing me as perhaps favouritising my niece. I just want to give one little girl one day where she feels a bit special as she's been so upset about her Dad and has even climbed into my parents back in tears saying that nobody loves her. It breaks my heart when I hear that. I just feel it's perfectly okay and acceptable for my niece for them not to include my neice, but when the boys aren't included it's an issue.

    I can see your point as well with your uncle. I would be feeling exactly the same - are you going to invite them?

    Families!!!

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  4.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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    I could see the issue if you had involved other little boys, but as it is you've been very fair. If you were to include them as page boys you'd have to have three page boys. As it is you've kept it to girls. If you want to extend an olive branch maybe you could make the three small boys junior ushers and have them help to give out orders of service. Could you talk to your parents about it if you don't feel comfortable talking to your brother direct? I can see the issue with the accommodation, we had a family coming who had said they would camp, and anyway the hotel was way out of their financial reach. We left it, and in the end they did book a hotel, but a different one. However without our family paying they couldn't have stayed in our venue, and we couldn't have offered that to them and not others. It sounds like your brother is being a bit petty about the accommodation. If he wanted to stay in the hotel he should have told you.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  5.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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    I think you have done the right thing. If you don't have regular contact with him then there should be no assumption to a major part in the day.
    Also, even if someone offers to help out you are well within your right to decline for whatever reason. MIL is making our cake and we are going to be telling her everything that we want. It wont be her doing whatever she wants for us. My mom offered to do our flowers and I said no for the same reason as you that I didn't want her running around the day of/day before the wedding doing it. I wanted her to be with me supporting me and leave that to someone else.

    With regards to the hotel you did the right thing in my opinion. If someone says they cant afford something why would you then force it upon them to have them say that they cant afford it again. It is just embarrassing them for no reason. You didn't exclude him. You were aware he had other plans and left him to it.

    To me it sounds like they are just being petty!

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  6.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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      edited
     
    I just think you've got enough on your plate at the moment with the wedding come up in the next 6 months or so, you don't need this on your plate as well. I really don't think they have a right to feel upset about it in any way - if it's stemming from other family issues, that are nothing to do with the wedding directly, then that's also not your fault and it shouldn't be you to fix it or feel like you need to try and fix it.

    I know it's horrible to feel like you may be upsetting someone but just remember you are not in the wrong at all and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    I think we're going to invite them to the evening only, which I think is more than a fair enough compromise, but I am sure that will go down like a lead balloon with a few family members!

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  7.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 3rd 2015
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    Thanks ladies - you've made me feel better about the situation. I had half-convinced myself I was at fault and was thinking of just asking them to do something to keep the peace, but as OH has said, there isn't really anything for them to do and then we run the risk of another little boy feeling left out.

    think your evening plan is a fair compromise.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  8.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 4th 2015
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    Just spoken to my mum & sister who said that I probably should have included them as page boys in our wedding or at least sat them down and explained why we weren't, but I don't see why I should have to do this when it should never have been an expectation. I am so mad right now !

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  9.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 4th 2015
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    I don't see why you should have done that either... to 'explain' would be to admit there was an issue in the first place, and I don't think there ever was! That would have made me mad too!

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    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  10.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 4th 2015
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    Precisely what I just said. Just spoke to OH and he made a fair comment that if we did that then we'd have to phone his Uncle and explain why we're not having him included. This is all for 30 seconds of two little girls walking down an aisle. I am now feeling bad as sister also said you never go over or ask after the boys - I rarely go over because I work full-time and by the time I get out of work and to their town, they are having dinner and putting them to bed and then they're alway busy at weekends. Just mad that feel this is all being put on me as being in the wrong. OH just said let's just go abroad and get married and be done with it.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  11.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 4th 2015
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    But they could call you too.
    I agree you should have to explain your reasons. Its like sitting down with everyone invited to the wedding and saying we have chose x colour for x reason. Sorry it clashes with your hair colour! You wouldn't do it and it wouldn't be expected of you so I don't get why it is in this situation.

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  12.  
    • FutureMrsW
      CommentAuthorFutureMrsW
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 4th 2015
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    I really don't know where this 'every child must be included' way of thinking has come from. When I was young boys were seldom if ever included in the ceremony, just girls to be bridesmaids, and it was common for just one child from each family to be asked. I remember my sister being a bridesmaid and I was annoyed I couldn't be, but she was 5 years older so it made sense that she'd be chosen.

    I really don't think you are in the wrong, either to want to limit the number of young ones involved or to make a fuss of your niece a bit. She will probably enjoy getting dressed up and being involved more any way. Seems to me that you and your OH have made a sensible decision and you shouldn't let others drag you down about it x




  13.  
    • MrsThomson2B
      CommentAuthorMrsThomson2B
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 4th 2015
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    It is your day so don't let anyone get you down.

    Say to your brother you get the feeling he is upset with you about something and let him raise the issue. Then tell him you were looking to have both sides of the family represented and that you only wanted one child from each side and to do this it was much easier to pick your niece as then you would have had to have chosen between the two boys. If your brother really wants to make an issue of it suggest that you would love to have the boys as mini ushers and hand out order of services to the guest before they sit down for the main event. A little suit for each would be very cheap. I personally don't care anymore who I upset but it is our day however I know some brides can't ignore the crap that families give them xx
  14.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 5th 2015
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    Your last line is very telling. "I don't have a very close relationship with them". So why should someone, child or not, be involved in your wedding as more than a guest if you are not that close to them?

    Are the boys actually going to care if they are not involved? Would they even realise? Or is this just the parents feeling like they should be involved because "they're family" and are projecting this as what the boys want. Never mind even thinking about what you and your OH want.

    You have no obligation to include anyone in your special day, it is a priviledge not a right. You also have no obligation to explain those decisions to people as it is your day as a couple and no one elses.

    I actually think MrsThompsons idea of asking your brother whats wrong is a good idea because it means he has to admit he has a problem with it if he wants to discuss it. And by using her idea of saying we could only have one child from each side of the family (say because of cost) then it would be too hard to pick between the boys so it was easier to have your niece. That then makes him look bad for not thinking about that and hopefully he will apologise. X
  15.  
    • LeanneR0186
      CommentAuthorLeanneR0186
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 6th 2015
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    This is why we are only having our son in the bridal party and no other children. I agree you should out right say to your brother that you feel he's upset with you but you aren't sure why, let him bring the issues to you. If you mention the boys it will be like you are acknowledging that they have been left out. Hope you get it sorted xx

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    The Richardson's 31/12/16


  16.  
    • CommentAuthorSamanthaW362
      Posted: Dec 7th 2015
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    agree with flossie
  17.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 8th 2015
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    Thanks ladies - I've decided to let them bring the "issue" to me rather than me highlighting it and then making things worse. I've calmed down now (!!!) and know in my heart we've not done anything wrong.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  18.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 10th 2015
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    Glad you are feeling better about it Lindsey :)

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    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  19.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 10th 2015
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    Thanks lovely. Any news about your dress? xx

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  20.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 10th 2015
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    Nope nothing yet, so I'm assuming it wasn't in M0r1 L33's large shipment the other week. I think I'll chase again after Christmas if I've still not heard anything.

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  21.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 10th 2015
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    How annoying.

    One of the women I work with showed me her daughter's dress yesterday - was nice, but didn't have the wow factor in my opionion. I showed her mine and she said her daughter really wanted a Mor1 l££ one but as the wedding is 1 June she had run out of time.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  22.  
    • LeanneR0186
      CommentAuthorLeanneR0186
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 11th 2015
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    I think pictures of the dress on models sometimes doesn't have the wow factor, my dress is very plain so it just looks normal but when its on with the veil it looks amazing (to me anyways lol) xx

    Members signature icon
    The Richardson's 31/12/16


  23.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 11th 2015
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    Interesting you should say that Leanne as my mum said my dress looked a lot more "wow" on me than it did in the pic of the model wearing it... which I found very complimentary as the model was a size 6 with legs up to her armpits hahaha.

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  24.  
    • LeanneR0186
      CommentAuthorLeanneR0186
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 11th 2015
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    Def hun, its like the dress is made for you xx

    Members signature icon
    The Richardson's 31/12/16


  25.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 11th 2015
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    Haha - why they can't model dresses on real brides, I don't know! I looked mine up on G00gl£ to see if I could find any images of it on real people and it looks like a different dress to the one the model is wearing.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  26.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 11th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I think that's the same with normal clothes too. They can look so much better on than in pictures or on a model. X
  27.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 11th 2015
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    Think that also depends on how tall you are - when you're only 5ft tall like me, clothes tend to look better on models!!!

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
 
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