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  1.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I am really sorry to rant on here but I feel I have nowhere else to turn and not sure what to do next!

    My fiance is really hard work and has to be the most stubborn man I know. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my days with him BUT I am obviously dealing with things in the wrong way!

    A bit of background info..... I moved in with him over 2 years ago now. His house is a mess. His parents died a year previous and he hoards things. Things are so bad that I can't even get in the two spare rooms. I have tried to sort it out, but he let it get into a state again. I have offered to sort through everything but he has OCD and panics when things are being thrown out or boxed up and won't let me do it. I have nagged, cried, just got on and done it, kept quiet, spoken softly and nothing has been done.

    Ok, back to where we are today. He proposed and what a magical moment that was!! But I've hit reality with a bump. I no longer feel excited about the wedding, I actually dread bringing the conversation up.

    We have had quite a few arguments about the "W" word because he says that he wants to sort the house out first and I never give him enough time to sort it. OK... my argument was that I have given him over 2 years and still nothing so I can't be blamed for being sceptical about it. The past 2 weekends I have gone out all weekend to allow him the time he requested to sort things out. And what happens... I come back and he has been cleaning his bike and nothing else had been done.

    A couple of weeks ago I said that I would like a really good friend of mine to do a reading at the wedding. She has been amazing support through my ivf and losing our baby. He said he didn't know because maybe he knew someone more "appropriate". I asked him to give me a suggestion and he couldn't... just said I haven't thought about it and don't want to talk about it right now.

    We then started a guest list as I am making the save the dates and we wanted to give people plenty of time to sort out arrangements as the wedding is a bit of a distance. He started it and it hasn't been completed. He said he hasn't had time.

    So yesterday a friends daughter gave me a quote for a naked cake. I have received 7 quotes, all ranging from £270 to £460. Her daughter can do it plus delivery and set up in the morning for £185. She is bringing me a cake into work today for me to try. I tried to discuss it last night, yes I know our wedding isn't until May 2017 but we would be saving £100+ on this and it's only £40 deposit. He said he hadn't thought about it and didn't want to talk about it right now.

    He says he doesn't want to talk about the wedding when he has just got home from work, I get that, but he doesn't want to talk about it during dinner, after dinner, whilst watching TV, when he's tired etc. etc. He has basically said, in not so many words that I need to book an appointment with him to discuss this stuff.

    I have asked him whether he wants to marry me, he said course he does but 18 months is a long way away, there is still plenty of time to do all this. I have told him that it may seem a long time away but there is lots to sort, and if we can make savings now then we should do it. We are looking to do another round of IVF this month, IF I fall pregnant, and all is well, I will be pregnant for the majority of next year and the wedding won't be my priority.

    He says I am being unreasonable and I feel like he is bursting my bubble. He won't allow me to get excited about stuff and I feel nervous about discussing the wedding with him because he just gets so argumentative.

    Last night, after the discussion about the cake, I just said OK and went and sat in the lounge. I didn't bite but then he moaned that I was in a bad mood. I can't win! I know it's not about winning, but there are two people in this relationship and I shouldn't feel that I can't talk about it or bounce ideas off each other without being shot down.

    Help! xx

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  2.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    You may not want to do it this way, and I'm guessing you've spoken to him numerous times regarding having input with the wedding, but just go and book things. He sounds very much like my hubby, he'd do everything the last few days and wonder why he could not book anything. I done the majority of the planning myself, every time I asked hubby about things he would say, oh yeah whatever, or do what you think. So, I'd run things past him, then just go ahead and book or buy. When I did something without running it past him, his reply was, oh so do I not get a say in this wedding!!! I could not believe it. When it gets closer to the day I am sure he will be a bit more cooperative with it all.

    As for the ocd, is it worth him seeing someone for cbt? Could help with all the hoarding. Did he have that before his parents passed away or is it a result of that?

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  3.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    He has always had an issue with hoarding... it runs in the family. Drives me nuts!! He doesn't think he has too much of an issue.

    I have tried to go ahead and do things... he said I wasn't including him and that there are two people in this wedding. I am absolutely at my wits end!

    The worst thing is that he has told his brother every time we have had an argument and his brother sent a text last week saying that he shouldn't have to put up with this week in and week out. I got really upset and said I thought I was having a relationship with an adult and not a child. He realised he made a mistake and put it right. Just makes me nervous that everytime we bicker, he contacts his brother.

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  4.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Maybe that's because it is all he has apart from you that is close?

    Do you think he would go for CBT? Or maybe speak with his brother so that he can speak with him, if he runs to him each argument you have maybe he will see sense coming from him and that you are not 'nagging' him.

    Other than that, all I can think of is that you get what you can planned out, then say about a year before or just under he will realise how close things are and be more involved, and you can then book the things you have planned. It may help with the burden for you if you have it already planned so to speak. Does that make sense?

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  5.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    He has sowed the seed with his brother now, his brother only knows his version and has obviously taken his side which is understandable and it's understandable that he goes to his brother but not when it is all about slating me.

    The cake has arrived and I am hoping that he will try some tonight and go ahead with it. That is all I can do. I just find it very difficult when someone is so stubborn and won't see that they are being unreasonable.

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  6.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I hope you get it sorted out and he becomes more involved.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  7.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thank you. So do I! x

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  8.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I'm not really sure what to suggest as you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do... I understand why you are feeling frustrated because I would too. Luckily my OH has been very involved with the planning which I love and I would hate for him not to show an interest. I think the best you can do is just make the most of it and use it to your advantage - at least you will be able to choose everything you want without having someone to answer to or disagree with your choices!

    It's definitely not too early to start doing these things so you are doing the right thing. Maybe he will show a bit more interest nearer the time.

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  9.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    It does sound quite common for ladies to find that their OHs don't want to deal with the wedding, but moan when decisions are made without them. I think a lot of men just don't comprehend how much there is to do. I was lucky, my husband was really on the ball with things. Is there a mutual friend who can speak to him that he might listen to? Sometimes things have more impact coming from someone else, even if they don't say anything different to what you've said. The hoarding is difficult, as it does sound like a situation that needs professional help, but you can't ever force anyone to seek help. Clearing out obviously scares him, and he will keep finding excuses not to do it. If you do it yourself he will just get upset with you. Could you take him somewhere quiet away from the house and just sit and talk about it? Just ask him to talk about why he feels the need to hoard. Or maybe if you say lets just clear one corner today, and work little by little.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  10.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks for all your suggestions everyone, I really do appreciate it and it's been a relief to finally talk to someone about it. The things I have tried with regards to the house:

    1. Sitting down with him and creating a list of all the things that need to be done and slowly going through each item i.e. put all paperwork into one pile, put all clothes for charity in one pile etc. but it's failed.
    2. Doing it myself, him getting upset.
    3. Me trying to help him, let him lead me but then I don't do things the way he would do it so he gets agitated.

    I think I need to be persistent with this and say to him we need one day at the weekend to at least make a start, he can give me jobs i.e. fold clothes, take the rubbish out, file stuff away, take stuff to the charity etc.

    With regards to the wedding, his friend came round a few weeks ago and told me how much he spent on a photographer, it was 3 times what I have found and I did say to him that I wasn't being unreasonable. We are seeing the photographer tonight... not to book as he keeps reminding me but so he can meet her and look at her portfolio but its a start.

    He has text me today and said has the cake arrived for us to try? So I guess he has been thinking about it.

    A friend of mine has suggested saying to him, one night a week we are going to book some time to go through some stuff to do with the wedding and make a decision or book an appointment to see the vendor so at least I wouldn't feel that nothing was being done and he wouldn't feel that I am hassling him. She also suggested putting a calendar on the fridge with all the dates so that I'm not hassling him with reminders.

    It's just so much hard work and I didn't envisage this when I said yes that I would feel so alone in it all. I imagined us having lots of fun arranging this but its quite the opposite and I find that really sad.

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  11.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I'm sorry I have no advice with regards to the hoarding, but I hope you manage to come to an agreement that you're both happy with.

    That's a good idea about dedicating a certain time/day for wedding planning, that way neither of you will feel bombarded with the planning but at the same time you know you will have allocated the time to get things done. Good news about him asking about the cake though... definitely a good sign! I can only imagine how deflated you must be feeling at the moment as I would feel the same, but try and find the silver lining in it if you can, don't let it ruin your wedding planning experience. I find nothing is ever quite as good as we think it will be in our heads - joys of reality! xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  12.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hey that's a step forward already with him asking about the cake, plus if you are meeting a photographer he might find that he's more likely to start getting into the planning.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  13.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I wonder if there is a general anxiety thing going on here. He seems reluctant to make decisions, maybe that is because once the decision is made there is no going back. Perhaps he is scared of making a decision that turns out to be the wrong one. I wonder if there is somewhere where you can find out more about supporting someone with OCD or any kind of anxiety problem. It's not something that will go away, so you will have to learn to help him through it. My mum has OCD and depression, and fortunately recognised it in herself and sought help. It used to cause a lot of arguments but since we've been a bit more aware we've been able to understand and support better. She's never hoarded though, her anxieties tend to be to do with food safety, security, and safety when going away.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  14.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I think I may suggest to him counselling for the both of us so we can take a step into married life without all this bickering. I would like to understand the way he thinks because as the moment he doesn't explain himself well enough to me, it doesn't make sense. He just gets impatient and shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. AND maybe the way I am thinking, he isn't fully understanding either.

    Another suggestion was to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I don''t know whether anybody on here has read it but I am willing to try anything to stop feeling like this and understanding him a bit better.

    I've dealt with his OCD up until now, but since we started planning a wedding, I am seeing it more as a controlling thing and that frightens me a little. We are equal in this relationship and if we could just understand where the other one was coming from and understand that certain actions come across as unreasonable, we may just get somewhere!

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  15.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    It sounds to me like he is frightened of change. Deep down he wants to help with the wedding which is why he has asked about the cake etc but he may be worried that once the decision is made, there's no turning back.

    My OH still tells me I've been really quick organising everything and we have loads of time left even though we get married in April. I think it may just be that they deal with one thing at a time and can't see them all together.

    I hope things go well tonight with the photographer and cake. It may be useful to use something he is really interested in like music or food and sort that bit first to get him excited. My OH loves music so I got him interested by talking about songs we could have played and off he went to make a playlist.

    With regards to the hoarding, it may be that he associates all those possessions with his parents so getting rid of them feels like forgetting about his parents, which I know isn't really true. I think tackle it a little bit at a time, like rubbish and broken items first as there is no point keeping them, and so on perhaps leaving the most difficult things til last. X
  16.  
     
    I really sympathise with you Jo as I'm having the same issues with my OH. He moved in with me gradually over the 3 yrs that we have been together. He too has a big problem with hoarding (as do his parents) and one of our bedrooms is now unusable along with the family bathroom as they are both full of boxes of his stuff that he won't unpack or even sort through, no matter how many times he promises to make a start. In the summer we had a leak in the bathroom that created a hole in the ceiling in the room below it. The ceiling has now gone black and mouldy which is a health hazard. OH is a part trained plumber and has promised to sort this problem out - so far all that has happened is to take the flooring up and then filled the room with boxes. If I dare to mention it he either jumps down my throat or has a string of "reasons" why he hasn't had time to do it. It's driving me mad that he is filling the house up with rubbish but I'm too scared to say anything as it ends in an argument. He is very moody and I feel that I have to tread on eggshells as he will blow up really quickly. I also struggle to get a decision from him about the wedding, I know it's a long way off but would like to get the venue etc sorted. Every time I ask him about the guest list for his family he says that he doesn't know who to invite and gets anxious and shouty. We just go around in circles discussing the same things and not getting anywhere. I find it all really draining and sometimes think that he kicks off just to control me.

    Members signature icon
    Met: 2nd September 2012
    Engaged: 3rd January 2015
    Wedding day: 2nd September 2017
  17.  
    • MichelleC961
      CommentAuthorMichelleC961
      Got married 33 months ago
      Posted: Nov 11th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    A www poor you Donna- I know love is blind but I wouldn't let anyone control me! Re the bathroom have you tried to set a date for him to fix it by or say you will get a plumber in- black mould is sooo bad for your health, even worse if you have asthma!

    Have you set an actual date yet or do you just have a preferred date in mind? Have you Spoken with oh when asked he Woukd like to get married, say well you asked me so you must want to marry me?

    Members signature icon



  18.  
    • JoW750
      CommentAuthorJoW750
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 12th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Well things were actually quite good last night. We met with the photographer, we both loved her. My OH even said she was the type of person he would feel comfortable with just walking round in his pants and then go for a pint with her. He asked lots of questions, even the more expensive options and even admitted to her that he takes his time to make a decision. She has given us two weeks to make a decision, but I am pretty sure we will go with her.

    When we got home he asked to try the cake and he thought it was really nice. He wanted me to get a quote from one other local company, which I said I would do and then we would make a decision.

    So all in all a very successful evening. I did do some research last night though about OCPD which is slightly different from OCD and he has the majority of those traits. I will leave it for now and maybe read up on how I can deal with someone who has that and if it flares up again, maybe approach the subject.

    I really feel for your Donna. It is totally draining and you are on edge all the time. We shouldn't have to live like this, that is why I am keen to sort this out now so we can go into married life happy!

    Members signature icon
    Met in 1981, fell in love 2013, engaged 2015 and getting
    married in 2017. It will have taken us 34 years to get
    there but it will be so worth the wait! xxx
  19.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Nov 12th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Excellent news Jo, I am really pleased that last night was a success, maybe he is now coming round to it all.

    I'd defo read up as much as you can to help with the OCD, my son has it along with tourette syndrome and adhd.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  20.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Nov 12th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thats great to hear you had a successful evening Jo. X
  21.  
    • MichelleC961
      CommentAuthorMichelleC961
      Got married 33 months ago
      Posted: Nov 12th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Sounds like a real step forward and a positive night :-)

    Members signature icon



  22.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 13th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Wow Jo that does sound like progress. It may well be that your OH is feeling threatened by the changes, but it sounds like he is doing his best to compromise. Doing lots of reading is very important, and maybe even get your OH to read with you, so that you can do the research and work out strategies together. He needs to understand that any mental health issues that he has will affect you too.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  23.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 13th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Donna that all sounds really difficult. Is there a mutual friend that can maybe help to get through to him about how you're feeling? I'd agree with Michelle about the ceiling, the longer it waits the more expensive it will be to fix, and your OH must surely recognise that as someone who knows about plumbing. You could at least get some quotes. As for the hoarding maybe you could do some research into the possible causes for it and then sit down with your OH to talk quietly about it. Perhaps if you go somewhere away from the house it will be easier to talk calmly, particularly if you can let him talk and listen to his point of view. If he is allowed to talk maybe he will then listen to you explaining how it affects you. Regarding the wedding perhaps you can just take one thing at a time. Perhaps estimate a guest number for now based on what you know of his family, so that you can start to explore venues with some idea of cost.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  24.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 15th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    i feel like banging my head against a wall just reading this lol, im glad i read further and saw progress was being made though :)

    re the ocd/hoarding. He really needs to nip that in the bud. How does he suppose you will cope having a tip of a house with a baby? you can't live like that. if it is doing your head in now, imagine how bad it will be when baby comes along. you will need support, and all it sounds like is you constantly tip toe'ing around him and his feelings. its not just about him; you need to consider how this whole situation is making you feel as well. I can totally relate to his anxieties, I have an anxiety disorder and sometimes it makes life difficult for those around me, but id hate to think i was infuriating/upsetting someone that much and THEN going off and telling tales to a family member. It all rings a little bit juvenille to me.

    Im sorry if that sounds harsh, i dont mean it too, but you are a saint for your patience you have for him and it is infuriating that he can't see that

    good luck with whatever you end up doing, i think your friends advice was sound, planning a 'wedding' might once every week (or two) should be a middle ground for you both

    Members signature icon

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  25.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Nov 15th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    Donna; if i were you and I had given him ample chances to sort it out, i would take the lot of it to the tip. i wouldnt even check the boxes. it would all just have to go. He'd get a warning. Sort it, or i will.

    Members signature icon

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  26.  
    • NikkiE58
      CommentAuthorNikkiE58
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Nov 28th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Sorry about the late arrival to the thread, but I just had to comment as it sounds very similar to my friend, but she was the B2B. Not the hoarding though, she's literally the tidiest person I've ever met haha!
    Basically, sadly her dad passed away the year before she got Engaged, and she was very close to her father. When I would get excited with her and talk about Wedding stuff I found that it was mainly me saying what I wanted, as she never really had much to say on the subject. Anyways, after lots of prodding, she said that she wasn't really feeling emotionally ready to get Married, as she had always envisioned her Dad being there to walk her down the aisle, and celebrate with her. So every time her Fiancé suggested planning the wedding, she would go to the odd Wedding fair, she visited one church, and that was about it.
    So maybe he's reluctance to plan may be rooted at the loss of his Mother, and it may be hard for him to envision his special day without her being included?
    Good luck though, especially with the Hoarding! Sounds like he is warming up though! X
 
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