Wedding Forum - Is it just me?!...

I am really sorry to rant on here but I feel I have nowhere else to turn and not sure what to do next!

My fiance is really hard work and has to be the most stubborn man I know. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my days with him BUT I am obviously dealing with things in the wrong way!

A bit of background info..... I moved in with him over 2 years ago now. His house is a mess. His parents died a year previous and he hoards things. Things are so bad that I can't even get in the two spare rooms. I have tried to sort it out, but he let it get into a state again. I have offered to sort through everything but he has OCD and panics when things are being thrown out or boxed up and won't let me do it. I have nagged, cried, just got on and done it, kept quiet, spoken softly and nothing has been done.

Ok, back to where we are today. He proposed and what a magical moment that was!! But I've hit reality with a bump. I no longer feel excited about the wedding, I actually dread bringing the conversation up.

We have had quite a few arguments about the "W" word because he says that he wants to sort the house out first and I never give him enough time to sort it. OK... my argument was that I have given him over 2 years and still nothing so I can't be blamed for being sceptical about it. The past 2 weekends I have gone out all weekend to allow him the time he requested to sort things out. And what happens... I come back and he has been cleaning his bike and nothing else had been done.

A couple of weeks ago I said that I would like a really good friend of mine to do a reading at the wedding. She has been amazing support through my ivf and losing our baby. He said he didn't know because maybe he knew someone more "appropriate". I asked him to give me a suggestion and he couldn't... just said I haven't thought about it and don't want to talk about it right now.

We then started a guest list as I am making the save the dates and we wanted to give people plenty of time to sort out arrangements as the wedding is a bit of a distance. He started it and it hasn't been completed. He said he hasn't had time.

So yesterday a friends daughter gave me a quote for a naked cake. I have received 7 quotes, all ranging from £270 to £460. Her daughter can do it plus delivery and set up in the morning for £185. She is bringing me a cake into work today for me to try. I tried to discuss it last night, yes I know our wedding isn't until May 2017 but we would be saving £100+ on this and it's only £40 deposit. He said he hadn't thought about it and didn't want to talk about it right now.

He says he doesn't want to talk about the wedding when he has just got home from work, I get that, but he doesn't want to talk about it during dinner, after dinner, whilst watching TV, when he's tired etc. etc. He has basically said, in not so many words that I need to book an appointment with him to discuss this stuff.

I have asked him whether he wants to marry me, he said course he does but 18 months is a long way away, there is still plenty of time to do all this. I have told him that it may seem a long time away but there is lots to sort, and if we can make savings now then we should do it. We are looking to do another round of IVF this month, IF I fall pregnant, and all is well, I will be pregnant for the majority of next year and the wedding won't be my priority.

He says I am being unreasonable and I feel like he is bursting my bubble. He won't allow me to get excited about stuff and I feel nervous about discussing the wedding with him because he just gets so argumentative.

Last night, after the discussion about the cake, I just said OK and went and sat in the lounge. I didn't bite but then he moaned that I was in a bad mood. I can't win! I know it's not about winning, but there are two people in this relationship and I shouldn't feel that I can't talk about it or bounce ideas off each other without being shot down.

Help! xx

He has always had an issue with hoarding... it runs in the family. Drives me nuts!! He doesn't think he has too much of an issue.

I have tried to go ahead and do things... he said I wasn't including him and that there are two people in this wedding. I am absolutely at my wits end!

The worst thing is that he has told his brother every time we have had an argument and his brother sent a text last week saying that he shouldn't have to put up with this week in and week out. I got really upset and said I thought I was having a relationship with an adult and not a child. He realised he made a mistake and put it right. Just makes me nervous that everytime we bicker, he contacts his brother.

He has sowed the seed with his brother now, his brother only knows his version and has obviously taken his side which is understandable and it's understandable that he goes to his brother but not when it is all about slating me.

The cake has arrived and I am hoping that he will try some tonight and go ahead with it. That is all I can do. I just find it very difficult when someone is so stubborn and won't see that they are being unreasonable.

Thank you. So do I! x

It does sound quite common for ladies to find that their OHs don't want to deal with the wedding, but moan when decisions are made without them. I think a lot of men just don't comprehend how much there is to do. I was lucky, my husband was really on the ball with things. Is there a mutual friend who can speak to him that he might listen to? Sometimes things have more impact coming from someone else, even if they don't say anything different to what you've said. The hoarding is difficult, as it does sound like a situation that needs professional help, but you can't ever force anyone to seek help. Clearing out obviously scares him, and he will keep finding excuses not to do it. If you do it yourself he will just get upset with you. Could you take him somewhere quiet away from the house and just sit and talk about it? Just ask him to talk about why he feels the need to hoard. Or maybe if you say lets just clear one corner today, and work little by little.

I'm sorry I have no advice with regards to the hoarding, but I hope you manage to come to an agreement that you're both happy with.

That's a good idea about dedicating a certain time/day for wedding planning, that way neither of you will feel bombarded with the planning but at the same time you know you will have allocated the time to get things done. Good news about him asking about the cake though... definitely a good sign! I can only imagine how deflated you must be feeling at the moment as I would feel the same, but try and find the silver lining in it if you can, don't let it ruin your wedding planning experience. I find nothing is ever quite as good as we think it will be in our heads - joys of reality! xx

I wonder if there is a general anxiety thing going on here. He seems reluctant to make decisions, maybe that is because once the decision is made there is no going back. Perhaps he is scared of making a decision that turns out to be the wrong one. I wonder if there is somewhere where you can find out more about supporting someone with OCD or any kind of anxiety problem. It's not something that will go away, so you will have to learn to help him through it. My mum has OCD and depression, and fortunately recognised it in herself and sought help. It used to cause a lot of arguments but since we've been a bit more aware we've been able to understand and support better. She's never hoarded though, her anxieties tend to be to do with food safety, security, and safety when going away.

It sounds to me like he is frightened of change. Deep down he wants to help with the wedding which is why he has asked about the cake etc but he may be worried that once the decision is made, there's no turning back.

My OH still tells me I've been really quick organising everything and we have loads of time left even though we get married in April. I think it may just be that they deal with one thing at a time and can't see them all together.

I hope things go well tonight with the photographer and cake. It may be useful to use something he is really interested in like music or food and sort that bit first to get him excited. My OH loves music so I got him interested by talking about songs we could have played and off he went to make a playlist.

With regards to the hoarding, it may be that he associates all those possessions with his parents so getting rid of them feels like forgetting about his parents, which I know isn't really true. I think tackle it a little bit at a time, like rubbish and broken items first as there is no point keeping them, and so on perhaps leaving the most difficult things til last. X

A www poor you Donna- I know love is blind but I wouldn't let anyone control me! Re the bathroom have you tried to set a date for him to fix it by or say you will get a plumber in- black mould is sooo bad for your health, even worse if you have asthma!

Have you set an actual date yet or do you just have a preferred date in mind? Have you Spoken with oh when asked he Woukd like to get married, say well you asked me so you must want to marry me?

Excellent news Jo, I am really pleased that last night was a success, maybe he is now coming round to it all.

I'd defo read up as much as you can to help with the OCD, my son has it along with tourette syndrome and adhd.

Sounds like a real step forward and a positive night :-)

Donna that all sounds really difficult. Is there a mutual friend that can maybe help to get through to him about how you're feeling? I'd agree with Michelle about the ceiling, the longer it waits the more expensive it will be to fix, and your OH must surely recognise that as someone who knows about plumbing. You could at least get some quotes. As for the hoarding maybe you could do some research into the possible causes for it and then sit down with your OH to talk quietly about it. Perhaps if you go somewhere away from the house it will be easier to talk calmly, particularly if you can let him talk and listen to his point of view. If he is allowed to talk maybe he will then listen to you explaining how it affects you. Regarding the wedding perhaps you can just take one thing at a time. Perhaps estimate a guest number for now based on what you know of his family, so that you can start to explore venues with some idea of cost.

Donna; if i were you and I had given him ample chances to sort it out, i would take the lot of it to the tip. i wouldnt even check the boxes. it would all just have to go. He'd get a warning. Sort it, or i will.