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  1.  
    • CJGroove
      CommentAuthorCJGroove
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Hi Girls (and guys?),

    I'm so sorry, all I seem to be doing at the moment is ranting and stressing! But...I'm afraid to even type this...my wedding is making me utterly miserable at the moment. As in, I'm on the verge of tears pretty much every time I have to deal with something wedding related...I almost had a full on Sob-Fest in the middle of a highstreet shop yesterday, just because they were one set short of the bridesmaids shoes I wanted. Fail.

    I'm having literally NO help what so ever from my OH...he's coming up to the end of his first year as a Physics teacher so he is very busy at the moment but all he's done is the invites and went to LOOK at some potential suits. LOOK. Not even try on or decide. We have, like, 8 weeks until the day and one of his best men lives in Denmark!

    I STILL haven't got 100% numbers for the wedding breakfast which means doing my seating plan is next to impossible.

    I have my MIL and OH on my back about the favours; I wanted these lovely little jelly soaps I found while I was away on my hen do but they keep bleating about favours having to be "something people can keep". Never in my life have I kept a favour from a wedding...and will pictures etc not be enough?? The reason I'm so upset is that my OH has had NO input whatso ever, registered no interest or offered any independent opinion...on ANYTHING yet feels the right to criticise my hard work?

    I've put on weight. And I can't shift it. I'm a Burlesque performer and usually this keeps me in good shape but I have overy-critical grandparents who feel the need to comment on my weight pretty much every time I see them (I used to be a size 0 but I was very poorly then with depression and anorexia nervosa, which they don't know about). I'm nowa size 10 and "chubbier" than my twin sister, which they have obsessed over so much I jus cannot bring myself to perform anymore. Now my Mum has joined in, I think she thinks she's being supportive but she's making me feel worse.
    I showed her pictures of when I had my first dress fitting, last week. My parents and siblings live abroad so I have no one to share these things with, which heightens my isolation. Anyway, I showed her the pictures, hoping for her to be happy etc. and all she said was "Will she be able to adjust it when you lose some weight though?". Dagger in the heart. couldn't breathe, every molecule in my body forced me to smile, laugh and not cry as I told her that yes...it was a panel skirt and corset they can be taken in...

    All this is scary for me...its things like this that kick started my eating disorder in the first place. I'm probably being over sensitive but "Those jeans are very flattering" hurt me so much yesterday I didn't eat. I haven't eaten for 2 days now (btw my mum is visiting atm).

    ugh, anyway, sorry I didn't mean to fixate on that.

    Yeah, wedding. I have a list as long as my arm of things that need doing and I've had zero help from the OH, he doesn't even seem to be interested, but I did have a slight revelation yesterday.
    Since all this wedding sh** has got on top of me and he's happy as larry doing jack sh** I've been a little cold on him, we were in the car on the way to town when he said "I don't want to be provocative, but do you even like me at the moment?" to which I answered "No, not really. I actually kind of resent you at the moment" and continued to explain all my woes surrounding my feelings of isolation and his apparent disinterest.
    He's vowed to help...but somehow this hasn't made me feel any better. Did I have ti get upset for him to give a damn about this wedding?

    I'm not looking forward to this wedding. every time someone asks how its going, I want to cry.
    I don't even want it any more.

    Sorry loves...I needed to write it all down. xxx
  2.  
    • Sazzell23
      CommentAuthorSazzell23
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Awww honey!! I read your post and it brought back so many memories of what I felt just before my wedding too :(
    I just powered on and brushed it all under the carpet only for it to all spill out after the wedding and cause a lot of arguments with BMs, Hubby and new MIL. It was a very difficult time and I suffered depression instead of starting my new married life happy.

    With hindsight, I should have put the breaks at the point you're at now. I should have stepped back from the whole thing and made some drastic changes. I think you need to step back from the whole situation and have a big think about what YOU want to do. After some thought and honest conversations with certain people you may decide you do still want to go ahead but perhaps with more support / changes.
    DEFINITELY dont keep putting on a front and not letting people know when their comments/actions have hurt you. They need to know their comments deeply hurt you and hopefully once they do they will think before they speak. I have done the same and put on a front and always tried to make other people happy but ultimately, by doing that will only cause you pain and unhappiness.
    I read something on fbk today and its so true - 'sometimes we need to reverse "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", and practice treating ourselves as well as we treat others'. I'm sure you would never comment on anyone elses weight so why the hell should you allow anyone to put you down?? Big hugs honey xxxxx
  3.  
    • CJGroove
      CommentAuthorCJGroove
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    In a mad way, it's good to see that someone else has had these struggles, I don't feel like I'm over reacting. Thank you for that Saz, that's helped xx

    I think I'm going to have to do what you've said, despite how much I might rub peoples (my MIL's) back up. I just need to courage to do so.

    Thanks again love xxx thank you for reading and replying, its not much but it's lessened the isolation a little...if that makes sense? xxx
  4.  
    • kittyh
      CommentAuthorkittyh
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    look, im not even having poxy favour so you don't have to be able to keep them - in fact the most 'traditional' favours are almonds - im pretty sure they are for eating and not for keeping so tell them to sssshhhh and get the soaps if thats what you want.

    secondly say in your sweetest possible voice that you know how busy he is with work but he HAS to go and get the suits sorted - THIS weekend. One of the companies we were thinking of using wouldn't even take on our business cos we needed to come in 6 months before the wedding and we aren't going to be back in the UK til 4 months before! Thats not to worry you i'm sure not all suit places are as ar$ey as that but it needs to be done so just tell him.

    As for the weight thing, a size ten is a lovely healthy size for a woman...people are such idiots sometimes! you have done so well beating your eating problems so don't let other peoples ignorance set you back. Just try and concentrate on eating healthily and if you can squeeze some different exercise that you don't usually do, or perhaps swap one of your regular routines for something like swimming if you don't usually then that sometimes kickstarts the body if its got too used to your usual routine. But really you don't need to focus on that as it seems that you are fit and a healthy size as you are - the last thing you want to do is look gaunt in your dress from starving or crash dieting. I agree with the last poster - tell them that what they say hurts you and if they don't listen then tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.

    Im sorry you are having a difficult time, I am sure things will work out - you are marrying your OH for a reason and even though he is being a bit useless now but if you love him deep down then you just need to talk to him properly and you can work through it. Weddings are stressful times just try and deal with one thing at a time and don't sweat the small stuff.

    good luck :) xx
  5.  
    • Sazzell23
      CommentAuthorSazzell23
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Ah am glad me posting has helped you CJ, its a hard thing to put out there sometimes as weddings are 'supposed' to be one of the best times in your life and not feel like the worst. Its taken me a long time to look back on my wedding and be able to see the positives rather than focusing on the negatives of people causing me to feel upset and like i was planning the wedding alone. It's just not worth risking your physical or mental health hun to carry on as you are doing xx
    Ultimately the best thing you can do is take some action and dont try to power on only to suffer later like I did.
    To read your post, I just had to respond it rang so many bells with me and pls do let me know how you get on xxxx

    PS - I had iced cookies as my wedding favours!!! Best wedding favour I ever received at a wedding was an vodka minature!!!
  6.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    The question is what matters most? Work out your priorities and decide what you can cut off the to do list. How desperate are you to have little soaps as favours? If you're not too worried then delegate it to OH and MIL, as they clearly have strong opinions. Let them do it, and if they don't there won't be favours. No one will notice. Equally people won't notice if one bridesmaid has different shoes, and they won't know if certain things aren't the way that you were planning.

    Regarding the weight, do you like the weight that you are at? Is it healthy for your height? If it is, tell everyone where to go. Size ten is a great place to be. Crash dieting is bad for you, and you'll put it back on when you start eating again. The most you should lose between now and then is a pound a week, but if you're happy then don't bother.

    With the suits, if he refuses to pick any then I would get his measurements and go get them. Give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't do it this weekend he won't have a choice of what to have. How much time is there between H2B breaking up for the summer and the wedding. He'll probably realise just how close it is once the summer vacation starts, and have time to spend on it.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  7.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Would you like me to "slap " a few people for you ?

    I would tell h2b that you are not bothered about his suit anymore , he can just wear what he wants ( reverse psychology )

    You have shown you process great strength by beating your eating disorder

    Have the favours YOU want ,

    Don't discuss any aspect of the wedding with anyone ... If you say nothing they can't comment .

    You are a beautiful strong women

  8.  
    • AmyK
      CommentAuthorAmyK
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Break down the things that are bothering you into lists, it will help you to get perspective on what really is bothering you the most, how important it is (rank them if necessary) and have a plan on how to deal with them.
    Your other half may want to help, but not know where to start. Pick some things from the list, and give them to him to do. Then, they're not yours to worry about any more. Number one can be get a suit - tell him you don't want him to be upset when he finally chooses one then the shop has none left because he left it too late! There are loads of shops that have the online "style" facility, where you have a picture of a guy and choose his clothes (a virtual Ken doll).

    Can you do the same with your mum by giving her tasks? Give her a real task to actually help with, rather than making 'helpful' comments (my mum has a tendency to do that too). Perhaps the next time she says something hurtful, you could say "it's a good job I don't take comments like that to heart mum, or I'd be quite upset" - a way of letting her know that they are hurtful comments, without straight out accusing her of being hurtful which may get her back up or end up with her becoming the 'hurt' party.

    Your wedding - your favours. The best favour I got was a piece of soap from lu$h. And chocolates. Just go ahead and do it.

    And size 10 is a brilliant size to be!!




  9.  
    • Megs84
      CommentAuthorMegs84
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
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    I won't write a long reply, as the others have pretty much said everything I wanted to, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

    Sending you lots of virtual hugs xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
  10.  
    • Whovianbride
      CommentAuthorWhovianbride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: May 22nd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    what the hell , they are commenting on your weight when your a size 10? that is a healthy size, who cares if your twin is thinner. Men can be very unopinionated about things and not realise the work that we put into it.

    Members signature icon
    Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
    together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
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  11.  
    • Becky1608
      CommentAuthorBecky1608
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 23rd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Ok so first things first, I've just looked at your profile pic and you are stunning!! If I had a size 10 figure then I'd be ecstatic! Lol. I think your family are being ridiculous!
    Is there anyone you can speak to regarding how your feeling and your eating disorder?

    As for your OH, I completely sympathise! Mine is exactly the same! I don't think anything would have been organised if I hadn't done it!

    I think the favours you like sound awesome!! I've been to so many weddings where people forget to take their favours! Stick with what you like!

    Hope things get better for you sweetie. Just try and focus on the fact that you'll be marrying your best friend soon xxx

    Members signature icon
    29/09/2008 - The Day we met
    12/11/2008 - When we decided to be more than friends
    04/11/2012 - A proposal in Central Park NYC
    08/11/2014 - The day we say I do!
  12.  
    • AmyK
      CommentAuthorAmyK
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 23rd 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Like Lana says, sometimes others don't realise the effort we put into things - like with the invites, my OH was dithering and messing around when he was meant to be helping, so I said to him "babe, if it seems like I'm getting a bit tired and irate about getting these done, I am, because what do you think I've been spending my lunchtimes this week trying to prepare?". When I told him that he soon knuckled down to helping, as he previously had no idea.
    Stuffing an invite into an envelope is one thing, but the choosing of the card, paper, embellishments, wording, spacing, names, addresses, printing, cutting, sticking, making, matching, colour coordinating, matching the rest of the wedding theme, finding spelling of cousins kids names etc. etc. gets overlooked, unless its pointed out.
    I now make a point of showing my OH some of the things I've done, which now gets him volunteering to help.
    But as I said before - make him a list!

    And if others keep sticking their nose in, you can always just stick to the "ooh, if I tell everyone everything, there'll be no surprises for anyone!" And if they keep asking then its rude and ignore them.




  13.  
    • GemmaR81
      CommentAuthorGemmaR81
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: May 23rd 2014
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    I know how you feel about your family and weight, my family are always on at me. I am no where near a size 10, if I was I would be happy. As for the favours just have what you want its your day. As most of the girls have said speak with your OH and explain that he needs to sort the suits this week or you will xxx Massive hugs hun xx




  14.  
    • ErinV
      CommentAuthorErinV
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: May 23rd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Blimey with regards to you weight hun you have nothing to worry about - you look fantastic.I know exactly how you feel I use to be a size 8 for years due to high metabolism and used to get people assuming I was anorexic, which just upset me and stressed me out. Now I'm a size 10 and feel happy and healthy, but can get a few chunky remarks from brothers - honestly some people don't think how it can affect you.

    Take a step back and tackle one thing at a time hun and most importantly take care of yourself. Not eating properly will affect your energy levels and can make you more stressed so make sure you eat regularly even if its small. Hope you feel better hun x
  15.  
    • CJGroove
      CommentAuthorCJGroove
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 23rd 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Wow...all this support! I'm so over whelmed!

    Thank you all for your kind words of support, understanding and advice - I am truly grateful and very touched.

    I'm still struggling with this all but the OH is off now for half term so I'm going to put my foot down and make him take some responsibility. One step at a time, I think I'm going to be okay xxx
  16.  
    • *KelBel*
      CommentAuthor*KelBel*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: May 23rd 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Your family are criticising your weight when you've had anorexia???? Wow how supportive of them! Size 10 is not chubby or fat it's perfectly normal,I'm size 10 and ppl always say there's nothing on me, so hardly fat!
    I think favours... You should have just bought the jelly soap...I'd have loved to receive that,can you order online? DO IT NOW

    you need to push h2b out the door over the weekend and tell him not to come bk til he has his suits sorted...I know it's stressful,my moh is a teacher doing year6 SATS at the min but is still straight round if I need help crafting on an evening for an hour or two...
    I think you need to sit,stay calm and pass some of the stress on
    Xx

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