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Wedding Forum - I don't know how to deal with my mum...

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  1.  
    • Mrs D2B
      CommentAuthorMrs D2B
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 7th 2015
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    I don't have a good relationship with my mum, long story short she walked out on my brother and I when I was 3, I went back to live with her again when I was 10 and she chose her new husband and a life in Wales over me and I ended up back with my grandparents (who raised us as their own and have been more to us than we could ever ask for). However in recent years my mum has been making more of an "effort"... I say that lightly... on public forum she makes out she is the best mum ever but she doesn't call or text or try to make contact away from the public eye. Since h2b have gotten engaged she has posted comment after comment, link after link in relation to weddings, what we should do... this should help... why don't you try this etc. Quite honestly I just want to tell her to f off this is our wedding, our day and she will be lucky to get an invite because quite frankly that is more than she deserves. But I can't because it would cause too much upset and destroy my grandparents. So what can I do? I just want her to back off, I need her to understand I have lived 23 years without her input I really don't need or want it now. How can I tell her I don't want her involved in the traditional mother of the bride sense?

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  2.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Mar 7th 2015
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    I think you need to be honest with her, sit her down and tell her she has not been the mother figure that she should have been in your earlier years, that you want her there but not as a major role

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    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  3.  
    • MrsC2bee
      CommentAuthorMrsC2bee
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 7th 2015
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    Could you try talking wedding infront of her and make it obvious that you have someone else helping you?nor maybe say sit her down and explain to her that your greatful but don't need as much help from her as your already doing it another way? I'd also talk to your grandparents and explain how you feel and see what they say as they mig be able to talk to her for you and basically tell her to back off abit x
  4.  
    • *The NewMrsMalin*
      CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Mar 7th 2015
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    Agree with what GF said. She hasn't been there for you so she can hardly expect to come 'barging' in and giving you all these suggestions. I would just be point blank honest with her and say that you would like her at the wedding (even if you don't) but just as a guest. You don't need the extra stress of not inviting her and causing upset. I had a similar situation with my auntie and cousin who I hate but I invited them to avoid upset.

    Good luck :)

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  5.  
    • Katya
      CommentAuthorKatya
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Mar 7th 2015
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    I was going to say the same.... Speak with your grandparents first, tell them how you feel about them, that they have been more parent than she ever has, that you consider them to be "mum & dad" moreso than her. Explain everything to them & state that you feel that she has no right in trying to be involved now when she couldn't be bothered then.

    Anyone can be a mother/father, but it takes someone special to be a mum/dad!

    I had a mum & well, to be truthful... a sperm doner (i have never met my father & probably never will).... on fathers day its my mum i pay tribute to. Some people are either mums & dads or quite simply doners & incubators... its horrible to say but sadly its the truth. If you feel this way, speak with your grandparents first. They should be able to advise on how to proceed.

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  6.  
    • KirstyR386
      CommentAuthorKirstyR386
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 7th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I agree with Glitterfairy. You need to tell her sooner than later that you don't feel she deserves to be heavily involved as she hasn't been for much of your life.

    You could also ask your grandmother to take on the role as MOB as she has been there for you for so long. You don't mention your dad but you may also like to consider your grandad to walk you down the aisle. X
  7.  
    • Mrs D2B
      CommentAuthorMrs D2B
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 8th 2015
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    Thank you so much for your input ladies. I was so upset last night after I put on fb a status that hinted at the fact that we had booked a venue and set a date and she commented that she was "not happy"... unfortunately I had a a couple of glasses of wine so I was a little bit less careful about what I think and what I say and I ended up replying that if she's not happy she won't be expecting an invite then. I'm now dealing with the fall out.
    My grandparents are very much aware how my brother and I feel about my mum, and they agree that we are right to feel as we do, but they also find that difficult as she is their daughter I can understand that. I have already asked my grandad to walk me down the aisle along side my dad, as he brought me up but in recent years my dad has accepted, apologised and done his best to right his mistakes he made with all his kids when we were younger (something my mum struggles to do, mainly as she is still blaming everyone else for her mistakes).
    I would love to sit my mum down and explain to her why I don't want her to have so much involvement in our wedding, but unfortunately she lives in Wales and only bothers to come see us once a year, I could ring/message her but she's difficult I need to be right in front of her to make sure she doesn't get what I'm saying completely wrong, or worse still understand what I'm saying take it far to much to heart and do something stupid because of it.
    Sorry to off load on you ladies, I just feel at such a loss when it comes to her

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  8.  
    • Mrs T Hurley!
      CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 8th 2015
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    Mrs D2B I know exactly how you feel as I am pretty much in the same boat. I have said to my mother that she is not getting an invite. I had to be blunt and honest, as for me, there was no other way around it.

    If you cannot do it over the phone, what about Skype?

    Just think if you would regret it if she was there or regret it if she wasn't there.

    I'm sending hugs and good vibes your way. It's not a great situation to be in. X

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    Getting married 05/09/17
  9.  
    • Mrs D2B
      CommentAuthorMrs D2B
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Mar 8th 2015
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    Thank you Mrs T, I'm sorry to hear you have similar issues, it's heartbreaking when you just can't bare to be around the one person who you are meant to love unconditionally and have them love you in return. I might give the skype idea a go. I'm honestly dreading having her involved in any part of our wedding but I know I have to to keep the peace, but I know she will find a way to make everything about her. I'm just grateful she lives 3 hours away so I don't have to deal with her on a daily basis.

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    31/12/2017 A New Year, A New Life, A New Husband and Wife


  10.  
    • VictoriaL46
      CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Mar 8th 2015
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    @Mrs D2B I personally don't have any relationship with my mother since I was 17 when she walked out and left me homeless. My father also is not in my life due to seperate issues that happened 5 years ago which other members of the family claims he regrets but cannot bring himself to apologise due to his pride. After being let down/betrayed repeatedly by the very people who are meant to love, protect and support me I decided I don't want people like that in my life anymore. My siblings have tried to convince me to invite my father to my wedding advising I am being childish and he should give me away.

    I will not have anyone at my wedding that has not been there for me in one form or another. The only person entitled to give me away is my best friend since I was a toddler who is my sister in all but blood and the only person who has been a constant support.

    You need to make it clear to her that you don't want her there. To stop posting things on your page and to stop pretending she is something in your life that she chose not to be.

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