Wedding Forum - Hen Do...

Hi all it's my first time posting and I've really debated about whether to say this, but I am in need for some impartial advice please :)

I am both the bride (later in 2020) and sister of the bride, my sister's wedding happening first and then mine 6 months later. We are usually really close and help each other work through our stresses. We both have young babies (1 and 18 months), and are planning our weddings on a budget. But lately as it's getting closer to her big day, she is starting to come out with things that are really selfish and if I'm being honest, her actions are making me ill with anxiety and stress!

She has chosen two hen do options both of which are quite expensive, one costing £700 and the other one costing £200. I was very careful to explain that I couldn't do the £700 one and she was understanding, all good, but the cheaper city break because it's been perceived as cheaper has all been left until the last minute - making it not cheap at all due to massive accommodation costs. Her MOH (best friend) was supposed to organise both but I guessed this was too much for her so I stepped in to organise the city break, only for my sister to step in at the last minute and change the venue (who does this??) meaning I lose my transport booking and have to drive at an extra expense of £70. The reason IMO is ridiculous, and there has been no consultation, she is adamant that this is now the new venue. We ended up exchanging words about it, something very upsetting to me when we are usually so close.

I think she is so fixated on the perfect day and hen dos, that she is losing sight of what else is going on in people's lives. My little girl is in hospital and her recovery coincides with the city break hen do, and I initially expressed my discomfort at being so far away from her thinking she'd understand, but she didn't at all and that's partly how I ended up being in the position of organising it because I thought well if I'm going to go, I need to rescue this situation and start getting stuff booked before the costs spiral out of control.

It's very upsetting and humiliating to me that I potentially now can't go to both dos. All of her friends are very young with no commitments, so of course it's much easier for them to splash out on events. I have offered to take my sis shopping instead/spa day with quite a generous cash wedding present on top that I would have spent on the hen activities, but she has said No. She has also been upsetting in other ways, for example commenting on a public forum that I need a bigger bridesmaid dress (I don't!).

Of course I need to be there for my sister's hen but she is making things really hard for me financially, and I think she is forgetting that when I have had big bashes in the past like my engagement do, I have paid for her transport to get there knowing that we live far apart and it's expensive. I am not expecting the same consideration in return, but it's been made out like I'm being tight when I am really not - I'm just going through a very difficult time financially due to my fiance losing his job, and I don't wish to argue with her.

So my options....suck up the extra cost of the hen do, this would smooth things over and create less problems when it comes to both her wedding and my own wedding (as a friend pointed out!), but have a conversation later down the line about how her actions made me feel, or....tell her I'll come but that I feel like she needs to calm down a bit with some of the things she's saying to me....or...tell her that I hope she has a brilliant hen but I am not coming and I'll take her out just me and her another time??