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  1.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    This may well come off as mercenary, but hear me out.

    A few months ago, OH's mother along with his aunt, uncle and cousins were not invited to the wedding. This has only changed because she is insane and sent 20 page letters separately, one day after the other, to my entire family as well as to all her family, basically slagging me off and calling me evil, etc etc (I had to make a report to the police). We decided that, to get her off our backs, we would invite her, and, for the most part, it's worked (after the wedding we'll wash our hands of her, she is utterly vile). I really didn't want to invite OH's uncle, aunt and cousins though as they'd taken her side without hearing us out, and said some pretty nasty things to me; not to mention that having them there is costing my parents £600. But, we invited them so that his vile mother would have a small group she could hang around with, thus not allowing her to spread her poison and nastiness too far.

    Anyway, they've bought us a gift... A £50 vase. I feel like they're being deliberately insulting; my parents are furious, as am I. To say I despise them is an understatement, and while I know you don't invite people to get gifts, a £50 vase from a family of five? Seriously? Our evening guests have spent more than that FFS; I've spent nearly that much on their daughter's bridesmaid's gift and twice that on her outfit, which she got to choose.

    There's no real purpose to this rant; I'm just thankful that in 3 short weeks I can give them a few home truths about what pathetic, spineless people they are, and cut contact for good. I am so looking forward to having them out of our lives and not having to deal with their drama and nonsense any more.
  2.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Also to add, they included their just-turned-16-year-old in the alcohol (there were 5 options: red wine, white wine, lager,cider, and soft drinks; why anyone would select anything other than a soft drink for someone under 18 is beyond me, I find it beyond tacky and rude). At £37.50 a head for drinks, that ain't happening my dears; plus I do not want someone who is underage getting paralytic on our dime. Nope, no way.
  3.  
    • clairenina
      CommentAuthorclairenina
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
      edited
     
    Barbie, she sounds beyond vile. Why is she so horrid? I would NOT have even invited her, I really don't think it will make the day easier. Does she have the same attitude to her son, or just you? Does the silly woman realise by sending a vase, she is also letting her son down? I wouldn't mention them in any of the speeches, and just thank the people who care & matter. I know that sounds childish, but it's more sensible than some of the things I'm thinking she deserves.
  4.  
    • NaomiD23
      CommentAuthorNaomiD23
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Not worthy of any invite Barbie she sounds very rude and vile. It is your day and don't let someone like her spoil it
  5.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    What I've mentioned here, is, unfortunately, only the tip of the ice-berg; she has done much worse, inc a sustained campaign to try to break us up after we got engaged, emotionally blackmailing my OH to try to prevent him moving in with me, passive-aggressively attacking me at every opportunity, doing her best to cause stress and upset in the run up to the wedding; the list goes on. When we finally decided to challenge her and asked simply to meet with her for a chat (which was what it was going to be; not an attack, just a chat to let her know in a friendly way that her behaviour needed to stop), she unleashed all kinds of crazy, getting hysterical and refusing to meet with us, which resulted in us cutting contact with her. She then unleashed even more crazy, posting over 100 memes and statuses about us/me on Facebook in about a week, and beginning a campaign to turn everyone against me. At one point, OH wasn't going to have any family from her side, inc his own brother, at our wedding because of her vile lies and manipulation. She also tried to get his dad's relatives not to attend, and went mental when they turned round and said 'If you love your son as you say you do, why are you trying to hurt him and ruin his wedding?'

    She's a lunatic, and nasty with it. The decision to invite her was not taken lightly, but she would have got worse and worse (the letters would just have been the start) in the run-up and we would have had to have hired security for the venue, as she would definitely have showed up or tried to cause a scene. At least with her there we have a degree of control; we know pretty much what she's likely to do (wear white; make snide comments about me being a bridezilla; try to provoke my parents with snide comments; and so on). Our guests have all been briefed and, needless to say, think she is a disgusting excuse for a person and will be giving her a wide berth, and shutting her down if she tries to interact with them.

    Also, I probably wasn't clear: the vase was from her brother and his family, who we only invited to give her people to hang around with. So, yeah: a £50 gift from a family of 5 who are costing us £600, plus they had the cheek to include their 16 year old in the alcohol options. Urgh. Rude, tacky people.

    His mother probably won't get us anything, seeing her paltry contribution of £100 towards the cake as gift enough. I should also add that she lives in a council flat and claims disability, despite being able to work; at one point, she was living with my OH, his brother and their dad (her ex) totally rent-free, not paying a penny towards bills or food and not lifting a finger around the house, all while raking in £700 a month in benefits.

    Can you tell I don't like her?! Lol
  6.  
    • clairenina
      CommentAuthorclairenina
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I think you have every reason not to like her, and wouldn't blame you both if you cut your ties with her. It sounds like she needs help, her behaviour sounds more and more psychological than personal (although it's manifesting in personal behaviour). I would also deem some of her behaviour as harassment, and defamation of character.
  7.  
    • AlisonM36
      CommentAuthorAlisonM36
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
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    omg she sounds vile!!! Even thought it might be easier just to put up with her for the day , do you really want to have that vile woman in your wedding photos? To be honest I wouldn't risk having someone like that there, I would rather pay for security. At least then you wouldnt have to think about her at all.
  8.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    mother in laws are the devil.... she sounds absolutely vile, and i thought mine was bad!!! I hope you have a fantastic day regardless... accept their vase with grace and just ignore them completely. At least the people who matter knows what she is. My mil is a bit of a snake, so everyone on the outside thinks things are fine and dandy, and she's thinking she's completely in the right

    INSANITY

    You're a better person than I, I wouldn't have been able to muster the grace to invite her, I'd of jut gotten a restraining order instead, and hoped she'd be doing a bit of jail time by the time the wedding rolled around lol

    Good luck Barbie! xxxxxxx

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  9.  
    • clairenina
      CommentAuthorclairenina
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I agree with Alison. We have the potential threat of my Dad turning up uninvited, and we have discreetly asked a couple of guests to intervene (and act as security I suppose) if people need to be hoofed out, or prevent someone from coming in.
  10.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    We strongly suspect/know she has something called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD); she ticks all the boxes and exhibits all the traits. With NPD there is no cure, and in very very few cases is it even diagnosed, because one of the traits/characteristics is a superiority complex and a total inability to see how their behaviour is wrong. They care only about themselves; they only care about others in as much as what they can get out of them. So, with their own children for eg they never love them or care for them (this has become crystal clear to us over the past few months), but will use them for attention (often trying to turn them against their other parent; she has absolutely done this), money, and so on. When someone cease to be 'useful' they drop them. They are rarely able to sustain friendships and relationships long-term and are typically in and out of employment as a result. It's a scary and nasty condition, but you can't have sympathy for them; you have to just look out for yourself and watch your back, basically.

    And yes, we could definitely have a case for both harassment and defamation of character, the problem with the latter being it's a civil issue, not criminal (eg I would have to hire a lawyer and take her to court to sue her; it would be pointless). However, we've kept all the letters and made a police report, and we only communicate with her via text, and keep all message. If she says anything we don't like in person, we make a note of it so we have records.

    At best we will continue to have limited contact with her eg texting once a fortnight, meeting in person, always somewhere neutral (ie never her home or ours) every few months. That might be the best approach long-term as it is less likely to unleash the crazy (I was signed off work for a month because of her at the beginning of this year with stress and anxiety and put on medication...). But, narcs can't respect boundaries, so, they will push and push as they will want more and more. If that happens we will cut contact.

    We're currently living with my parents but hope to get our own place within 6 months or so; and I don't want ANYONE from OH's side knowing the address or phone number.
  11.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    P.S. good point about wedding photos. give your photog explicit instructions to keep her out of the pictures!

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    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  12.  
    • AprilS61
      CommentAuthorAprilS61
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Oh myyyy what a nightmare! Unfortunately she actually reminds me a little of my own mother but not on such a scale, different as she's not making any contact at all

    I would second that about wedding photos, make arrangements so that's she's not in any. Xx

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    Mr & Mrs Swan 04/04/15


  13.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks guys.

    Re the photos, yup, we have that covered: we're not having any shots with both families, the only posed/group shot I'll be in with her will be the full group shot of all the guests; we're having no photos of the two families/sets of parents/my OH and I with her; any family shots with her will be with my OH only. We're also having the photos with him and his family done before the ceremony as a) we're tight for time and she loves to hog the limelight and will try to make the photographer re-do shots etc and b) I want to be around her as little as possible. If she's arrives later than the time we designate (very possible; she loves trying to cause stress) then she won't be getting any photos done with OH, simples :-)

    We're also going to ask the photographer to ensure that she is not in any of the important ceremony shots. I do NOT want her face in the background of any of those photos as they are extremely important to me, and she would ruin them.

    We're doing a few other things too eg she won't be at the top table (one of the ways she tried to cause trouble was by saying she didn't want to sit at the top table, in an effort to snub us; well, that's cool, I have no issue honouring that! lol), and we both plan to give her a wide berth. OH's brother, who is partly responsible for our decision to have her there (he was refusing to come unless we invited her), will be expected to act as chaperone; I expect him to stay sober and to be with her 100% of the time, bar when they need to use the toilet. I'm not exaggerating, and if he doesn't respect that, he's another family member I want zero to do with after the wedding.

    The whole thing is ridiculous and it maddens me that we're spending so much money to have people there that I don't just dislike, I actually hate, likewise my parents. However I'm cautiously optimistic that, if we stick with what we've said, I will be able to just ignore her on the day and forget she's there. Though I'm still tempted to hire security as an added precaution.

    The main thing though is that she loves an audience; and she knows she won't get that from my side, or from some of OH's side, and so I think she will tread fairly carefully as she knows that she won't get the reactions she wants (as I said above, people have been briefed to ignore her; if she attempts to make conversation they simply smile, say 'Hmm', and wander off; they've been told not to engage with her at all).

    I'm also kind of hoping she does turn up in white as that will provide a LOT of laughs at her expense from my side; it's very possible she will do it to be disrespectful and try to get a rise out of me/my parents, and I really hope she does because I will find it hilarious. And hey, if I have to put up with having her there, surely I'm entitled to a laugh out of it?! ;-)
  14.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Also Velcro: I'm not a better person lol, the sole reason I have done this is because I believed, and still do believe, that overall it's the lesser of two evils. If I'd been bombarded with more letters/texts/emails in the run-up I would probably have had another nervous breakdown, and I would have been so stressed worrying about what she might do on the day; I mean, we'd all have had to have our phones switched off as if she didn't show up she would definitely call/text repeatedly, probably threatening suicide, we'd have to get the hotel to screen any calls from/about her (even if it was the hospital saying she'd OD'd), etc.

    At least this way I've avoided a lot of stress in the months leading up to the wedding (she's treading fairly carefully atm, with just one minor hiccup (wanted to wear a cream and green dress when the ONLY colours I had vetoed were, you guessed it, cream and green! lol)), and I have a pretty good idea about how she's likely to behave on the day and have planned accordingly.
  15.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Wow she sounds awful. At least people are aware of it. Initially when you said £50 vase I wasn't sure that it was such a bad thing, as some people, even families, can only spend that much, but put in context it does sound definitely like an insult. I take it they could easily have spent more? Hopefully during the wedding you'll be so busy that you won't have time to be bothered by her. Have you got some guests that you can detail to keep her out of your way if necessary?

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  16.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    god she really does sound like a right one... its such a shame the easier option is having her there, but at least you seem to have it all figured out regarding the photos and keeping her in check!

    Best of luck hun, try to forget about the mad bat and enjoy the next two weeks!!!

    Members signature icon

    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  17.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    Hun i wil tell you briefly my storey with the MIL in the hope that you will see you are not on your own,

    Mr lala and i have now been together 12 1/2 years , i knew from day one that she didnt really like me ( she used to talk about his ex wife !)
    she says im a snob because i don t think racist jokes are anyway funny
    she would make snide comments if i didn't want to join in with turely pathetic games such as throwing food about
    she would have a go if i told he granddaughter to say thank you if i gave her something saying i had no right to say that
    when we got engaged she moaned that she hadn't be told ( we went round to tell her the day after )
    she complained that the venue being a 20 min drive was too far
    she gace me the third degree as to why i had split with my ex saying she had a right to know
    she kicked off when we said we weren't going to have mr lalas nieces as bridesmaids
    she went round the family ( his side) saying hows disgusting it was we weren't having them and trying to persuade family to not come to the wedding
    she had a go at me when i said we need to leave his fathers party at 8pm ( been there from 3 ) even though it was just a week after me having surgery
    she has told me that im no mother
    she told me that my children would be better off if i was dead
    she told mr lala i didn't love him and was only with him for his money ( really must start taking money out of the joint account we have had for 10 years )
    she kept telling mr lala that i was getting everything i wanted for the wedding and letting him pay for it ( i actually paid more towards the wedding than he did )
    she didn't send even a wedding card

  18.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    at the end of the day it has all hit her in the face as Mr lala now will have only minimal contact ... he has told her that she needs to apologise to me but you have the rest of the family all saying ..... oh it her illness ( they claim she has bipolar) but this just means they are enabling her to do what she does as no one will stand up to her

  19.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
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    Wow I'm so lucky, my in-laws are great, and have become great friends with my parents. Bipolar is no excuse, I've known people with it and with the right medication they can be completely well.

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    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  20.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
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    Elinor thats exactly what i said to his sister at that point she said " you dont understand what she has to deal with she has a thing called lymphodema too make life very hard .. Google it " unfortunately for her my response was ... " i know exactly what that is as my mother has had it for over 10 years and it doesn't stop her doing anything " ... yet another excuse

    but i know have nothing to do with them apart from sending birthday cards etc ( bc im nice like that ) so they look the ridiculous ones

  21.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thank you lala :-) She sounds VERY similar to my FMIL; you might want to have a look a NPD, when I did everything from the last 8.5 years just slipped into place.. Lol.
  22.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Barbie i have no intention of having anything to do with her till she apologises and as she has one daughter who just googles and believes anything but i will have a look for my own interest .

    my one piece of advice would be that although you have really strong feelings and have every right to cut all ties ... dont expect your husband to do the same ..... i have always been the one to remind mr lala of mothers/fathers days and respective birthdays they are still his parents , the fact he has minimal contact is his choice and he has to come to that on his own ....tbh i have been the one trying to encourage him to maintain contact .

    although i drew the line at him giving his parent some of our lottery winnings ( thats is the mythical win ... the one where you decide what you are doing with the millions even before you buy a ticket lol lol ...... oh and we have mythically won in excess of 50 million )

  23.  
    • ElizabethF49
      CommentAuthorElizabethF49
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
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    OMG I thought my MIL was bad, after reading that I don't think mine is that bad.

    I hope you can have the best wedding you can and hopefully she doesn't cause any upset on your special day x

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    After 7 years and 11 months he proposed to me 18.10.13
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    Getting married 15.08.15.
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  24.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Lala: if he doesn't cut ties with her after this, I will be getting a divorce, simple as. I don't wish to sound harsh, and I do love him; but she has no place in our lives and if he feels differently, I don't want to be with him as it will display a total disrespect for my feelings. I would rather be single.
  25.  
    • ElizabethF49
      CommentAuthorElizabethF49
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 15th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I understand why you feel like that but she is his mother, you need to let him come to the decision on his own if you force it on him he will resent you for it.

    I am allowing my MIL as much rope as she likes to hang herself and I wait patiently for the day my H2b says F**K you your no mother of mine

    Members signature icon
    After 7 years and 11 months he proposed to me 18.10.13
    Our son is 5 years old and our world
    Getting married 15.08.15.
    Life hasnt been easy but we have each other :)
  26.  
    • *The NewMrsMalin*
      CommentAuthor*The NewMrsMalin*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
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    She sounds vile :(

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  27.  
    • VictoriaL46
      CommentAuthorVictoriaL46
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
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    Holy [email protected]

    Some of your stories about your MILs actually scare me. I feel really privileged that my FMIL and I actually get along really well. We did have a bumpy start but I saw it from her POV and we worked through it and if anything I consider her my mum as well. I think she gave me a break because neither of my parents are in my life and felt it was her duty to show me some compassion

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  28.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Barbie .... please dont do the "its her or me " ..... my tack was she is your mother so you do what you want to do but i wont be coming to anything ...and for a while he would go round when he was in the country the final straw for him was when she called me names to his face and said that i had never wanted to be part of the family ( this was christmas time ) to which he said "who the hel do you think has put the effort in to buying the familys Christmas presents .. as he went to walk out of the door she said " i have presnts for you " but apparently there was nothing for me and she said she wanted nothing to do with me ...his response " if you want nothing to do with MY WIFE then you want nothing to do with me we come as a pair .

    and with that he walked out

    by saying if your hubby has anything to do with his mother then you will divorce him you are walking on dangerous ground

  29.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Usually I would agre, but in this case it isn't that simple. She's made me I'll, and worse than that, has come close to succeeding in breaking us up. She just has no place in our lives, and I just cannot support him having contact with her after what she's done. There were some more developments last night which I'll explain later, and as soon as the wedding is over I want us to make a fresh start without her in our lives. I genuinely see no other alternative; if she remains in our lives vessels her vile, poisonous behaviour will continue to cause arguments between us, and probably cause me to have a breakdown again and while I love my OH dearly, I have to think about myself too.

    He's cut contact before and I think after last night he truly hates her, so I'm sure it won't be an issue.
  30.  
    • clairenina
      CommentAuthorclairenina
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
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    I agree Barbie. If anyone was so vile towards me, I would find it disrepectful towards me if my husband had anything to do with them.
  31.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    That's exactly how I feel claire; if anyone I know treated him how she has treated me (she launched a very public smear campaign against me ffs) I would cut them out of my life without giving it a second thought; and that includes my family. Genes mean nothing to me; if someone is vile, you are better off without them, it's that simple. If he continues to have contact with her for any reason other than because we as a couple think it's the 'easiest'/best option I will see it as a huge slap in the face and will feel he doesn't truly love, respect, or care about me.
  32.  
    • Whovianbride
      CommentAuthorWhovianbride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
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    If you feel so strongly like that I don't know why you have bothered inviting them to the wedding at all when you don't want her/them in any pics as reminders of them attending. And immediately after you want nothing to do with her and are threating divorce if your oh does not follow suit. Im with Lala too ,do not do a me or her thing he will always be her son, but discus how its all made you feel etc and let him make the choice , but if he choose to still have some contact with them, does not mean you have to.

    i myself do not have the best relationship with my FMIL although in no way can compare, so I excuse myself from visits atleast 1/2 the time.

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  33.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I must admit I'm inclined to agree with Lala as well, although I can see your point of view. It does sound like he himself doesn't want anything to do with her so there's probably no question, but my worry would be that she won't make it easy for him to walk away. There could be all sorts of emotional blackmail and harassment, and for his own sake he may need to maintain some limited contact, even if only a monthly phone call, just to make life bearable for him. I agree with what you say about you deciding as a couple that it might be the easiest option, and your feelings are important, but so are his.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  34.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    although can totally see where you are coming from when you say if he doesn't cut contact then "I will see it as a huge slap in the face and will feel he doesn't truly love, respect, or care about me." the flip side to this is how much respect etc is it showing him by asking him to choose.

  35.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    i dont see Mr lalas relationship with his parents as having any bearing on me what so ever my MIL can only impact on our lives if we left her which we dont ..... the limited contact is what he decided on and my no contact is what i decided on ..... one doesnt influence the other

  36.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Because of what she's like, him seeing her without me is not an option; that's one of the boundaries we've decided on, and it's one recommended by people who specialise in NPD. The other thing that's recommended is that you go no contact, because of the way they are and the fact they will never change.

    With the whole choosing thing, it's not like I'm asking him to cut contact with someone for no reason; the fact is she has subjected him to years of emotional abuse and blackmail. I think if he wants someone like that in his life he needs professional help; I see it the same as staying in contact with a partner who is violent and abusive. So again, I don't think it's an unreasonable request as it will benefit him in the long-run.

    Obviously he can't change his feelings, but iI can't change mine either. I feel very strongly that our relationship will not work while she has any involvement in our lives, and if he's OK with her treating me as she has, he isn't someone I want to be with. To me, it's like him saying her behaviour is OK, when it just isn't, and as I said I see it as hugely disrespectful to me and my feelings.

    Like I said, we're the shoe on the other foot I wouldn't think twice about removing someone so toxic from my life; even my mother. Because I would NEVER be OK with him being treated like that.
  37.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
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    Hun again i sympathsise totally but please be careful of saying that she has NPD if she hasn't been medically diagnosed.

    and yes while you can ask him to not have contact you have to be ready for the fact that he might not want to cut it totally, he may want to have minimal contact with her still.

    i hope everything works out i know what its like and yes it was making me very ill beating myself up about what on earth i could have possibly done ,then i decided that she wasnt worth me time any more

  38.  
    • Whovianbride
      CommentAuthorWhovianbride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
      edited
     
    sorry if i sound harsh but should this have not been something discused and decided ages ago, i mean you say "if hes happy with her treating me like that he needs professional help" and "if he is ok with her treating me as she has, he isn't someone I want to be with" and again mentioned divorce if he does not see things your way, and after all the money your spending on this wedding, for you to be talking about chucking so it in so soon after the wedding before your even married, if he does not want to cut all ties with his mum sounds a bit silly. maybe you should encourage him to get some professional help to deal with how she has treated him etc, and also do some couples counselling so you can doth get your feelings across.

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  39.  
    • CharlieBe-Cool
      CommentAuthorCharlieBe-Cool
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Ticker backgroundTicker foreground
     
    I sympathise, but think its out of order to give your OH an ultimatum of "her or me". Why can he not see her without you? Why have you "decided on boundaries" for him? End of the day, its his mother, and no matter how toxic someone is, some people just have a loyalty to family regardless of how awful they are. Trust me, I'm one of them. My sister has narcissistic tenancies, and she has been truly awful to me and my parents to the point my OH has told me, several times, to cut contact. I've not. But only because I have nephews I adore and dont want it affecting them, and because I have reduced visits so we only ever see her every few months anyway. My OH doesnt get along with his mother, and while she's always got along with me, I support him 100% in any decisions he makes in respect of her. Her recent threat was that she wont attend our wedding. Fine. As long as thats what OH wants, I wont push him either way, and I wouldnt dream of telling him to "forget her or dont marry me/we'll get a divorce". Marriage is about compromise and support and being there for each other when the s*** hits the fan. If your willing to pack it all in now 1) why are you even considering getting married, 2) why have you invited her - surely it would have been less problematic to not invite her and wait for the repurcussions than invite her and risk ruining your day and 3) dont you think if you dont get married/divorce your MIL is getting exactly what she wanted? Sorry if this sounds harsh, I dont want it to, as I know first hand how someones mental health can affect the wider family, but seriously think about how to deal with this situation as its not fair on you or your OH to makes demands of each other, the effects of which are largely out of your control.

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  40.  
    • FionaR41
      CommentAuthorFionaR41
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
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    surely by saying its me or her and that you will get a divorce if your H2B doesn't cut all contact will only make him feel that you don't love him and actually don't want to marry him. ?

    if you are planning a divorce now - then don't get married...

    let h2b make his own mind up about contact with his mum as he may resent you for it later on.

    lala's comments are sensible and hopefully you can sort it all out.

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  41.  
    • *KelBel*
      CommentAuthor*KelBel*
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 16th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    She does sound horrible but I think the cost of the gift is irrespective of this. You might as well just put in the invites how much you at least want ppl to spend on you, otherwise you might end up calling others too, just saying! I think it's a bit rude to expect a lot when you have invited people to your wedding, and I'd be outraged if someone I'd given money to or whatever was calking me thinking I was tight... She may have bought the gift as a wind up but she could have got you nothing which surely is far worse?!

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  42.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 17th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Update time:

    We think they're preparing for the possibility of not showing up, so, I think they bought a £50 gift with a view to giving us cash/vouchers on top if they DO come, and then if they don't, they haven't 'lost' too much. I think this is always why they've been weird about other things like the bridesmaid dress: you'd think they'd be excited that their 11 year old daughter is going to be a bridesmaid but we've heard little from them. I also asked for the details of the lady making the dress so we could pay her direct so they didn't have to, and they said it's fine, they'll pay and then we can give them the money later. Again, I think this is so that if they don't come, they don't feel bad about us having paid.

    Reason I say all this is because OH's mum definitely does not want to come to the wedding. She wanted to be invited so that she could milk attention in the run up, but if you look at the facts, no way does she actually want to come: she doesn't love my OH or care that he's getting married, the only reason she would want to come is for the narcissistic supply/attention she will get. Issue being, she knows that my whole family despise her, as do other family members on my OH's side, so there are literally only 7 people in attendance who 'like' her. Meaning, she doesn't have an audience and knows she won't be made to feel particularly welcome.

    So, we think she's trying to orchestrate it so that we rescind our invitation. This is why she deliberately chose a dress that included the only 2 colours we vetoed (which, incidentally she told us last night she had bought; I know she hasn't as only one place, inc online, in our area has the dress left, and they had 2 16s and an 18 when she first mentioned it the other week; guess what? They still have those exact sizes lol) in a bid to get a rise, so she could play the victim. Then Tuesday she sent my OH a massive text about how we need to discuss things, apologise (meaning, we need to apologise to her; she never apologies for anything, it's another narcissistic trait), and so on, despite the fact he has made it clear we do not wish to discuss what happened (as it will get us nowhere; she will only be happy if we say we were wrong etc, which isn't happening; it's best just to ignore it); again, I think she was trying to provoke us into snapping at her (we just handled it very calmly and said we don't want to). She also keeps trying to get us to go to hers, which isn't happening (it's a control thing; they like to be in environments where they feel in control and the other person/people feel uncomfortable; so again, this is a boundary we decided on together, and we're sticking to it whether she likes it or not).

    So, last night we went for dinner, and I wondered what she was going to do. Basically, she insisted on paying for the meal (as a form of emotional blackmail and also source of future ammunition: 'I paid for their meal and they were mean!'), and, once she had settled the bill, asked why my OH won't visit her at hers. He handled it brilliantly; he really calmly said that he doesn't want to discuss it, and that he's told her before that he doesn't. She kept on, so he simply suggested she drop the subject and said it would be a shame to end on a sour note after a lovely meal. Well, she carried on, saying she shouldn't feel like it's a 'privilege' to see him, and he said that life isn't all about what she wants, and that his wants matter too, and that he doesn't want to visit her at home and wants to take things slowly, and that she needs to respect that and not push him.

    She ended up saying she was going to the toilet, adding 'Don't worry, I'll be back', and of course she didn't come back lol, just like a child stamping their foot and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way.

    I could have kissed my OH though :-) And the best thing is that where 6 months or so ago he would be feeling guilty and wondering if he was mean to her, his only reaction was 'I hope I handled that OK and haven't given her too much ammunition'. I pointed out that she will probably lie about what was said anyway (I'll probably be added in somehow) and that ultimately we can only control what we say and do; if she chooses to lie, that his her choice and her prerogative. And if others choose to believe her, that is their choice. We can then choose how we react.

    In short: I think she's going to step things up big time now. She is desperate to provoke us into either uninviting her, or else going crazy at her and losing it so she can play the victim and say how she can't possibly come (I think she was hoping for a more heated argument last night, or for OH to text her after telling her she's pathetic; he didn't, we just left it, and she texted this morning with excuses (she was just really upset, and didn't want us to see her upset... Yeah, whatever lol) and he's replied with a simple 'Yeah that's fine, we had a good meal x'.

    I think she is seriously panicking now because we're not rising to anything, so she's going to have to find some other excuse. My money is on her pretending to be drunk the morning of the wedding (she's started laying groundwork saying how she's worried about being around so many people drinking (she's a recovering alcoholic, been sober 2.5 years); which is odd, given she frequently goes to the pub/gigs/festivals etc and has previously said on numerous occasions how she likes seeing other people get drunk and lose their inhibitions (aka she likes being in a position of power where people let their guard down and are more vulnerable)) saying that the stress of it all got too much; and if she doesn't/can't go OH's brother, dad, and aunt and uncle also won't be allowed to. I mean, how could they do that to her? She couldn't stand knowing that they are there when she isn't, she'll probably get even more drunk to cope with it... yada yada yada.

    I feel much more positive though. My OH last night finally showed that he is genuinely tired of her; he kept saying how he can't wait until the wedding is over so that he doesn't have to have anything to do with her; and I believe him. He's angry at her for the stress she's causing, and just wants to be shot of her for good, which is a huge relief for me; I've been struggling with the idea that maybe he can't see what she's like, and that was certainly true a while ago, but not any more.

    Whether we will cut contact completely remains to be seen. I suspect that we will, at some point, as I think with her, limited contact just won't work, she will never be happy and will cause a lot of stress. I guess it's just playing things by ear and deciding which is the lesser of two evils, but at least now I feel confident that we will make the decision together, as a couple, and both be on board and in agreement, and if we do maintain contact it's not because my OH cares for her or feels he owes her but simply because we think it will make our lives slightly easier. Realistically, she will always be a black shadow in our lives until she dies. Just a shame I saved her life in hospital a few years ago :-s
  43.  
    • AmyK
      CommentAuthorAmyK
      Got married 7 years ago
      Posted: Jul 17th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Sounds like the pair of you are being strong and showing her a calm and united front.
    Keep it up & you'll be fine!

    Hmm, if you work in a care environment, surely you could source something to knock her fast asleep so she's no bother? ;-)




  44.  
    • WelshBrideBethan2015
      CommentAuthorWelshBrideBethan2015
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 17th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Like Amy said you and your OH are doing so well at staying calm , well done and just think it's her loss as you are about to start a fab journey into marriage :)

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  45.  
    • JennK
      CommentAuthorJennK
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Jul 17th 2014
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    Not trying to sound harsh but a lot of what you say sound like assumptions, eg. Paying for bridesmaids dress so they don't feel bad if they don't come etc. I know you have been through a lot with her antics but just think things through a bit more maybe? :)

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  46.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 17th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    I have to be honest some of it does read like you're reading a lot into things, particularly regarding the gift and the bridesmaid dress, but at the same time your FMIL does sound very difficult, and you seem to be handling it very well. H2B's aunt is similar, she always has to be the victim and make everything about her. For example she moaned that her daughter was dating a postman (not good enough), and said to FMIL, who's daughter is severely disabled with cerebral palsy, "it's alright for you, Sarah won't date a postman". She and her brother don't get on because he speaks his mind and she takes everything he says and milks it for all it's worth. Both will be at the wedding, but will be sat as far away as possible from each other.

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  47.  
    • barbie86
      CommentAuthorbarbie86
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 17th 2014
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    With all due respect to those doubting me: what I have posted here is honestly the tip of the ice-berg; I know all these people far better than you can ever do and so far, I have been totally spot-on with regards to what they will say and do. I might be wrong in this instance; I very much doubt it. They will either show up because she does and bring an additional gift, and also ask us for the money for the bridesmaid dress, or, they won't come because she doesn't let them, and we won't be asked to pay for it. If anything else happens I will eat my hat; I've been accurately predicting her behaviour for about 8 months now lol. I even predicted exactly what she would do last night: on the way to the restaurant I actually said 'You do realise she's going to try to push you into coming over to hers; so just handle it as best you can'; the ONE good thing about narcs is they're pretty predictable if you do your research and try to understand the condition.
  48.  
    • kittyh
      CommentAuthorkittyh
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Jul 18th 2014
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I appreciate that you have quite severe problems with your FMIL but going to google to diagnose mental health issues when i am assuming you aren't a psychiatrist i think is inappropriate. in all honesty it is your husband i feel most sorry for because he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. the bond between a parent and a child is not one that is easily broken, im sure that lots of ladies on here who no longer have relationships with their parents will tell you it is not a decision that is made lightly and it takes a long time and a lot of chances before they come to that conclusion. hence the reason why so many neglected and abused children that are taken into care want to go back to the parents who treat them so badly. but at the end of the day it is your husbands conclusion to make and not yours and unless you are in his position you can't really say what you would or wouldn't do if the shoe was on the other foot. i just hope that you don't say to him that its a shame you didn't let his mother die...

    with all due respect, if you go onto an internet forum to get advice then nobody is ever going to have the full picture on any scenario - i think people have given their opinions and tried to help but to be honest i don't think you are going to take them on board.
  49.  
    • almost a year wife!!
      CommentAuthoralmost a year wife!!
      Got married 7 years ago
      Posted: Jul 18th 2014
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    Hi I think the whole £50 gift scenario is a bit mean of you, do you expect more? Some people can't do more, you are out of line for that and come across ungrateful...

    "Anyway, they've bought us a gift... A £50 vase. I feel like they're being deliberately insulting; my parents are furious, as am I. To say I despise them is an understatement, and while I know you don't invite people to get gifts, a £50 vase from a family of five? Seriously? Our evening guests have spent more than that FFS; I've spent nearly that much on their daughter's bridesmaid's gift and twice that on her outfit, which she got to choose."

    His mum: not up to you to make HIS decision, you may be making it harder for him sever ties with the "it's her or me" ultimatum and as for mentioning divorce before the wedding is ridiculous, if u feel it now it will be worse if/when u marry...
    Has she been diagnosed and if she has what sub category of narcissist does she fall into? I work in mental health and I understand it can be hard BUT it will be hard for her too, she wont understand why people don't praise her, positively reinforce her or feed into her that's probably why she reacts the way she does- nastily...

    I don't doubt what you're going through is hard but what can you truly expect from an Internet forum where people do not know the full picture, we will only go off what you say and form their own opinion...

    Good luck with your wedding and I hope your h2b comes to a resolution that works for all

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