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Wedding Forum - Dividing the family?!...

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  1.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    Hi everybody,

    Just really need some advice. So we have set the date and have paid the deposit on the venue. Due to finances, we want to limit the day guest list to 80 people each as we're looking at £85 per head. As we're getting married on the Saturday, the venue have stipulated that we have to pay for a minimum of 80 guests, so even if we only have 60 day guests, we still have to pay for 80. Hope that makes sense.

    Last week we sent out the first wave of save the date cards to family and we sent out a small RSVP asking to know whether they are or not saving the date. I know this isn't normally the done thing, but we have so many people we actually WANT to invite over those we HAVE to invite.

    So, I've invited all immediate family - including Aunts and Uncles. I've also invited one of my cousins, who I get on well with and who is a lot of fun, along with his partner. However, I'm not inviting his sister, but have invited her mum and brother. I am just worried that this is going to cause some upset and in some way divide the family or they will be upset that I've not invited her. It's not that I don't want to invite her, I am just not as close to her and we are limited with our numbers as after family we only have 30 spaces for our friends who we really want there to share our special day. I'm also not inviting her to the evening do either.

    I just don't want to divide/upset the family....

    Anybody experienced this themselves or advice...??!

    Thanks :-)

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  2.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    Why aren't you inviting her to the evening? I can fully understand day but if you get on with her confused why you haven't for evening. are you limited for numbers for evening too?

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  3.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    If you have a maximum number then it definitely makes it easier to explain to people why they haven't been invited. People should understand.

    Do you have a maximum for the evening too? I would probably invite them to the evening so they're at least invited to some part of the day but that's just me. We don't want to invite certain people to the day (not because we have restrictions, just because we don't want them there in the day) but will be inviting them to the evening as a compromise xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  4.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    I would suggest inviting her to the evening do just to make it easier. When we sat down to do our list, hubby has a much bigger family than mine so a lot of the guest list was taken up by them, I never invited either of my cousins, but did my Aunt, but purely because we were running out of numbers.

    I would let them know that the only reason why you are doing it that way is down to the numbers, and maybe, if some of the ones you've invited say no to coming then maybe you can up her.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  5.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    To be honest, the only time I see her is once every 3-4 years. I am not inviting any of my other cousins either for the same reason.

    Maybe I should just do the evening to avoid any problems.... Argh, so annoying when you feel you have to invite people you never even see!!!

    Thanks :-)

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  6.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    I know, some of hubby's family I never see who came, but he wanted them on the list.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  7.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    I know it's crazy. At the moment 35% of our guest list is made up of family on both sides we don't see :-(

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  8.  
    • MichelleC961
      CommentAuthorMichelleC961
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    I think you already know you have done wrong and will cause a rift- think how you would feel if your parents or sibling got invited to a cousins wedding and you didn't- I think you have to invite them all the the whole wedding or just invite the aunt and uncle to the wedding and the cousins to the evening reception. I get that numbers are limited and you are closer to the other cousin but by not inviting the other one at all will def put noses out of joint!

    Members signature icon



  9.  
    • DanielleS0709
      CommentAuthorDanielleS0709
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
     
    We are in the same position as you. On my side of the family we invite cousins who we are closest to or one from each family. On OH side he has SO many cousins. We have already said to both parents we can't invite everyone. We will invite some to day and the rest to night. Hopefully they understand. I really don't see the point in inviting people you don't see or barely speak to just because they are your cousin.

    Members signature icon
    21st May 2016 xxx


  10.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Aug 10th 2015
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    It is really difficult I know but I wouldn't invite one sibling and not the other, unless one was living overseas or there was some other reason to make it obvious. I invited aunts and uncles but not cousins to mine, but I'm not close to my cousins. I did very definitely feel that I wanted a clear dividing line, so all aunts and uncles but no cousins (even though I knew my Dad's brother's wouldn't attend). Perhaps your aunt could be day and both cousins evening? There was one family where one son was invited as a member of the choir, and the parents were invited one as my former minister and one as husband's former vicar. There was another son who had far less of an obvious connection, but it wouldn't have felt right to exclude him. If we'd only invited his brother and not his parents it might have been different.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  11.  
    • GaryR28
      CommentAuthorGaryR28
      Posted: Aug 18th 2015
     
    I'd say if you see this cousin and his partner on a regular basis and are considered friends who you socialise with rather than just family, then it's fine to invite them and not the cousin who you only see every 3-4 years.

    Personally I wouldn't be upset if I wasn't invited to any of my cousins' weddings even if one of my siblings were, as I'm not that close to any of them and she will probably be fine with it if she knows you are much closer to her brother.
  12.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 18th 2015
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    Thanks Gary - that is a reassuring post :-)

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  13.  
    • clair
      CommentAuthorclair
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 18th 2015
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    We had the same issue! It's just all family politics... I invited all my cousins but there was one that I never see but I got on very well with his sister. I had to invite him as I invited his sister and cos they came form quite far away I couldn't just invite him to the evening do. He couldnt come any way so it was fine. I would invite her to the evening do though just to keep the piece. Xx

    Members signature icon
    Started going out with my Gorgeous man 7/11/2010
    Got engaged on the 21/9/2013
    became mrs Thornton on the 2/8/2015
    our wedding day was the best day ever :)!
  14.  
    • Whovianbride
      CommentAuthorWhovianbride
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 18th 2015
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    I invited 2 of my cousins I never see (last time was my grans funeral) and they snubbed it and didn't come at all , no skin off my nose.

    Members signature icon
    Met June 2009 on my Birthday,Met again July 2009 and got
    together, May 2010 Moved in,Jan 2011 got pregnant,
    August 2011 Got our own place, 2011 Had our Baby Girl,
    Dec 2011 Got engaged, July 2015 Getting married! Yay!
  15.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 19th 2015
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    I've decided to invite her to the evening do as we're already over numbers wise. We were catering for 80 at the wedding breakfast, but other relations who we thought would be a "no" have come back and said that they are a yes!!! Think I might need to get a second job!

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  16.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Aug 20th 2015
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    I think it it would be difficult to not invite your cousin ,at least to the evening do when you have invited her bother and parents to the whole day

  17.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Aug 20th 2015
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    True, but when we're in a position where several friends can't share our whole special day, we've had to draw the line somewhere. I've not invited every other cousin either and have done the same on my Mum's side and spoke to my Aunt about our decision and she understood.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  18.  
    • lala "mod" bunni
      CommentAuthorlala "mod" bunni
      Got married 9 years ago
      Posted: Aug 20th 2015
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    at the end of the day hun ,it your wedding and you have to have those that are closest to you around you

 
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