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Wedding Forum - Difficult Situation......

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  1.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 19th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    This is going to be a long post, so I apologise. Firstly I'm going to say that I have no doubt that some people are going to read this post and think that I'm an absolute cow bag. If you think that and have nothing else to say, then please simply move on without commenting.

    Secondly, my issue is this. My grandad was diagnosed last year as terminally ill with lung cancer. I should point out that whilst yes, he is my grandad in name, he has had very little to do with me at all since I was born. That's 25 years of very little interaction. Until he was diagnosed, it would be considered "a lot" for me to have seen him twice or more a year. He had even previously said (before being diagnosed) that he wouldn't really care if he never saw any of his family again because he only really cared about his wife. This attitude has taken a complete turn around now that he is dying, but anyway, I just want people to understand that to me it doesn't feel like my grandad is dying. It feels like someone I sort of know, an acquaintance is. It is sad, and I feel for him obviously, but it doesn't affect my daily life in any way. Also, his behaviour over the last few months towards family has been... it's difficult to explain. But he has been a bit of a nightmare and it's very hard to determine whether this is part of his character generally or whether it is because of the tumours in his brain.

    I have literally this morning ordered my invitations as we get married in 9 months, the invites will take a month to arrive and probably another 2 weeks for me to get filled out and sent. Then we need to give around 8 weeks for R.S.V.P because our venue wants numbers and orders quite early (June). I'm also currently 20 weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of May, and will be made redundant as of July, so want all things sorted before I have a serious life adjustment to make.

    This afternoon I received a phone call from my mum to tell me that my grandad is now in hospital experiencing various symptoms that suggest that whilst we know he was told this is a matter of months, we may now be talking about days or weeks. It's going to be awful, and I just have every single body part crossed that he doesn't pass away between Xmas eve and boxing day because I cannot imagine my nanny, mum, aunts etc. ever enjoying Xmas properly again if he does. I also don't know what we'll be able to do for my nanny. She has been with him since she was 18 years old and just... yeah. It's going to be awful.

    And now comes that cow bag bit. I don't know what to do about invitations? I have to put an R.S.V.P date on, and I don't want to be chasing people in April or May. I simply won't be able to. So they ideally, really, need to be sent out mid-end of January but how callous is it going to look if my grandad has just died? Do I hold back my grandmother and aunt's invitations for a little while and send out the rest? Their husband/father may just have passed away and I'm not sure what sort of time scale is considered appropriate in these circumstances?

    I do understand how this sounds, but I'm concerned. There is an awful lot happening in my life right now, and throughout next year, that is throwing everything off kilter and I am an OCD planner so I like to have structure and timelines. The matter of my relationship with my grandad is also a little complicated. I am more upset at the fact that this is going to affect my mum so much when it happened, than I am that I will lose a grandparent so just... yeah.

    Anyway, if anyone has any advice on what I should do re: the sending out of invites it would be very much appreciated x
  2.  
    • StephH96
      CommentAuthorStephH96
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Dec 19th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    I don't think you are being a cow bag at all.
    Maybe once the invites arrive you could let your mum know and see how she reacts.
    Yes, if they are sent out too close if anything happens people may be upset, however if anything does happen and there is enough time I would have thought people would think it was something nice to look forward to and to bring some light after a bad time.

    Hope everything is ok xx
  3.  
    • Becci93
      CommentAuthorBecci93
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 19th 2015
      Ticker backgroundIs poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadgeTicker foreground
     
    From what I remember we're getting married on the same day.. I'm not sending my invites out until April or May time- granted this isn't good for you due to your bundle of joy making an appearance .. Could you maybe prepare all the invites for sending and put the stamps and everything on but then not send them until around a similar time to the baby being born? That way rsvps would be coming in after its born (sorry not sure if it's a boy or a girl!)

    I'm getting all the rsvps sent to my mum to deal with so you could see if a relative could help with that to reduce the pressure on you with your new baby?

    Sorry to hear about your grandad ... We were in a position a few years ago where we thought we were going to loose my grandad as he was in intensive care in an induced coma for 10 days.. The not knowing is very painful and like you say the hardest part is seeing how hurt your surviving family are x

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    Met 23rd September 2009
    Engaged 10th March 2015
    Became Mrs Butler 24th September 2016
  4.  
    • Elinor Claire
      CommentAuthorElinor Claire
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Dec 19th 2015
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    I think you probably do need to get the bulk of invitations out, I did them in January for an August wedding. I know a lot of people send them three months before but I don't think that allows enough time. I'm assuming the people whose feelings you're concerned about are aware of the date and will be expecting an invitation. It's impossible to say when they should go as you don't know when your grandfather will pass away, and whenever you decide to send them could be the wrong time. I would send them in January, leaving the ones for your mum, aunt and grandmother until you have a clearer picture. Having to ask three people for food orders closer to the deadline is not so bad. However if the people concerned know that an invite will come to them it might not be so bad, and you could have the invites ready to give whenever it feels right.

    Members signature icon
    30th August 2014 was the best birthday ever.
    It was the day that I became Mrs. Dixon.

  5.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 19th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Same weekend Becci, yes :)

    I can't send them out in May, my venue want numbers and orders by June so at the very latest they need to go April just because my family are also the sort that seem to think they don't actually need to R.S.V.P for things and that it's known that they're coming so what does it matter? Lol. And I really do not want to be chasing them either heavily pregnant or with a small baby (we don't know what it is either, we just call it Bean lol) It's not a bad idea to have them all ready though and maybe sit on them for a bit. If he improves I can get them out quickly and if the worst happens I can sit on them for a month or so I guess?

    Thanks Steph, I didn't even really think of it that way. I think the most difficult thing really is my nan's invite. Like, I know how slim the chances are, but if I send out the invite to "Nanny and Grandad", he passes away, and then she receives it...

    I think I will keep theirs Elinor Claire, it seems like the best idea. Even if I hold onto them for 2 months or so, like you say, a couple of food orders isn't going to be a problem, it's the other 70 I'm worried about not leaving till May. Heh.

    Thank you ladies :) This has really been playing on my mind and I feel a bit better now xx
  6.  
    • Mrs Jones
      CommentAuthorMrs Jones
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Dec 20th 2015
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    I don't think you're being a "cow bag" either and your post certainly didn't come across like that either.

    To be honest, my first thought was people would probably want something to take their minds off what is happening and have something to look forward to aside from what is currently going on.

    You know your Nan will be a yes anyway, so why not keep her invite back until a bit later if you're not comfortable with it.

    Members signature icon
    First Date 26 April 2014
    Proposed 27 June 2015
    Happily Married 18 June 2016
  7.  
    • Mrs T Hurley!
      CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 20th 2015
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      edited
     
    Firstly, you are not being a cow bag at all.

    Secondly, I think you should send it when you feel ready. Maybe your Mum and Nanny might like to receive an invite, as it is a nice gesture and will give them something to look forward to. x

    Members signature icon
    Met 18/09/03
    Engaged 06/09/08
    Getting married 05/09/17
  8.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 21st 2015
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    Your post isn't rude and you don't sound like horrible

    I can't add anything that the others haven't said already. I would either send them early and hold back on your nans or send them and not worry about it. She will be expecting it and it might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to look forward to to help her x

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  9.  
    • InDreamland
      CommentAuthorInDreamland
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Dec 21st 2015
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    You definitely don't sound horrible, quite opposite actually. Thoughtful and realistic.

    I'd suggest preparing everything now ready to just pop in the post but keep a few back for very close family who you will know are or are not going to come anyway, then play it by ear nearer the time but at least everything is prepared. Should anything happen then you will know to just hang onto the few invites for those who will be most affected x

    Members signature icon
    Married the love of my life on Saturday 11th May 2013 xxx
    Had our dream perfect honeymoon in Hawaii!

  10.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Dec 21st 2015
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    As everyone else has said, you definitely don't sound like a cow bag!

    I do understand how you feel. My grandma has dementia and is in the very latter stages - it has never upset me as I have never been close to her at all and neither has my mum. Some people can't understand how I can be so cold about it and not feel anything, but she has never been a bit part of my life and we have certainly never been close.

    I would try not to get ahead of yourself at the moment (though I know that's easier said than done, as I am an OCD planner too!!!). Wait and see what happens and then make a decision when it needs to be made.

    I think I would continue to send the invitations out as normal. It will be a time for family and I am sure everyone will be relishing the prospect of a family wedding to look forward to xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  11.  
    • DanielleS0709
      CommentAuthorDanielleS0709
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Dec 21st 2015
      Is poweruserJust marriedBadgeBadge
      edited
     
    I agree with the others I would hold close family's back epically your nans. I'd also like to say if your grandad has brain tumours he is more than likely not acting himself. I lost my sister to brain tumours and it changed her in a lot of ways at the end.

    Members signature icon
    21st May 2016 xxx


  12.  
    • Velcro
      CommentAuthorVelcro
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Dec 23rd 2015
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    didnt want to read and run, but i agree with all the other ladies, hold your family's back a little longer and send the rest out.

    i dont think you are being a cow bag at all xx

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    Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey
    *Kelbel* is my wedding twinny!
  13.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 23rd 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thank you ladies. I think I just feel like a cow bag because why on EARTH am I thinking about my wedding at a time like this? It's really difficult not to though, and I also went for my 20 week scan today and was EXTREMELY happy having come out of it and then felt a bit guilty.

    My granddad actually passed away in the early hours of Tuesday morning, unfortunately. Though I'm so thankful for everyone's sake that it wasn't Christmas day. He went peacefully in his sleep and surrounded by his family, so whilst everyone is obviously very upset there's also an underlying relief that he didn't suffer at all, and that he went as he wanted to go. Not that anyone wants to go any other way than peacefully in their sleep, to be fair...

    So I'm going to hold on to my close family invitations until a month has passed from the funeral which will be early Feb, and send the rest out in January as planned.

    I'm really sorry to hear that Danielle. It's a really odd thing to witness. I think the difficulty with my granddad in particular is that he's always been... well, long story, but in essence you could never really tell whether he was behaving that way on purpose (because he would do things like pretend to cough - it started as lung cancer - if he got bored of your conversation) or whether it was involuntary. xx
  14.  
    • Glitterfairy
      CommentAuthorGlitterfairy
      Got married 8 years ago
      Posted: Dec 24th 2015
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    Sorry to hear he passed. My grandad passed away over the festive period in 1993 so I feel for your family.

    By sending out the invites if he does pass away, it might be something for the family to then look forward to, not being funny, but it is not like they did not know you were getting married anyhoo.

    Members signature icon
    Our wedding day - 6 October 2012


  15.  
    • Emily17
      CommentAuthorEmily17
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 24th 2015
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    Ever so sorry for your loss. Take case xx

    Members signature icon
    Met in 2009
    He proposed Jan 2014
    Will become Mrs P 7th October 2017
  16.  
    • StephH96
      CommentAuthorStephH96
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Dec 24th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Sorry for your loss myranny. Hope your nanna is OK x
  17.  
    • Mrs T Hurley!
      CommentAuthorMrs T Hurley!
      Got married 3 years ago
      Posted: Dec 27th 2015
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    Sorry for your loss myranny.

    Members signature icon
    Met 18/09/03
    Engaged 06/09/08
    Getting married 05/09/17
  18.  
    • FutureMrsW
      CommentAuthorFutureMrsW
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Dec 28th 2015
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    My sympathies to you and your family. My cousin had her wedding earlier this month and sent the invites out about 3 months after my mum's funeral. It was very nice to have something to look forward to, and the wedding was a real boost to the family, especially for my grandparents (mum's parents, who are still living). Life goes on and though grief is hard it is important to focus on the positives in life, and there is seldom that is more lovely than a wedding :) Don't feel bad for living life fully xx




  19.  
    • Flossie
      CommentAuthorFlossie
      Got married 5 years ago
      Posted: Dec 29th 2015
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    Sorry for your loss. Thoughts with you and your family xx

    Members signature icon
    Happily married
    18th June 2016
    xx
  20.  
    • CharlotteE98
      CommentAuthorCharlotteE98
      Got married 6 years ago
      Posted: Dec 29th 2015
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Sorry to hear your Grandad passed away. Thoughts are with you and your family x
  21.  
    • Myranny
      CommentAuthorMyranny
      Got married 4 years ago
      Posted: Jan 2nd 2016
      Just marriedBadgeBadge
     
    Thanks for all your kind words. Family are coping well actually, a lot better than anticipated anyway :) Funeral dates and things are all being arranged today and i don't think it's going to sink in properly until that's happened but considering the timing, Christmas was still quite "normal" and my nanny is doing alright, though obviously devastated, she's coping xx
 
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