Wedding Forum - Bridesmaids planning hen...

Hi ladies! I've posted in the general chinwag thread about this already but rather than completely take it over I thought it would be better if I just started a new thread!

Basically to give a little background info I have 4 adult bridesmaids and we've all been friends since college where we took dance together. 3 of them live in Swindon but I am more close to and see much more of 2 of them, and the other is currently living in London.

I met the 2 for coffee the other weekend where it came up in conversation that I'd like all the bridesmaids to arrange my hen. I gave them the date and told them to just get on with it from there... thought it would be one less thing for me to worry about organising and would also be a nice way for them all to get involved. I asked them specifically if they had told the other 2 about it and they said yes, so I didn't feel I needed to send a group message to them all as was under the impression they all knew they were planning it and they would all be chatting with each other and bouncing ideas off etc.

Now the 2 have been really winding me up since saying they are going to take me to Magaluf, have strippers etc. and just everything that I generally hate. I knew they were messing around but there was that 5% of me thinking omg what if they really are planning that?! It's been stressing me out so this morning I've text the other bridesmaid who lives in Swindon to ask her as I knew she'd be straight with me. She told me they're not planning anything like Maga so that's all good, but she also told me they had already priced everything up before they even told the other 2 that they were all going to be planning my hen. I think this is really selfish of them especially when I asked them if they'd let the other 2 know and they told me yes, but they obviously just took it upon themselves.

The 2 have been really off with the other one in Swindon for a while now which is also doing my head in. We've always been really close friends and I feel they're just ruining the 'feel' of the whole group now and it's making it quite strained and awkward. I want us all to be able to enjoy my hen and my big day together without there being any awkwardness or anything, I'm really not sure where it's come from but it's bothering me a lot as there is a bit of a divide now.

The one in Swindon who I've been speaking to today has told me she can't afford what they've priced up so she will be letting them know she can't come, and I bet if she does say that they will just think "oh well" and not even try to make other arrangements to accommodate her. I really want them all there as this hen is just for us 5 so it wouldn't be the same with someone missing! I've told her to put her foot down and make them arrange something else if she can't afford it, but I know that would make them be even more funny with her as it would come across that she was being the awkward one.

I know I need to say something to them all but I'm not supposed to know anything about this hen apart from the date, so I can't really say anything without getting the other bridesmaid into trouble... Does anyone have any suggestions how I can go forward and make it clear what I want and do not want, without getting anyone into trouble or making it obvious that I know something?!

Sorry this has turned into a really long post!!! xx

As I said in the other thread, you should try and sit down with them all and explain what you meant and what your feelings are. Maybe you could speak to the BM that told you this to see if she would mind you bringing it up to the other two, that way she won't be upset if you mention it. Best to get it sorted out now rather than later on when it's too late x

Definitely have a talk with them about your concerns and clear the air. Maybe they think you want something which could end up expensive, so maybe some suggestions and suggest price that will include the one who says she can't afford it?

But, not trying to throw the cat among the pigeons, hens are often a small nightmare to plan. Having 2 of them being the main drivers of the planning is probably a good idea otherwise you will go round in circles and not get anything booked.

I always knew these 2 would be the main drivers and I was happy for that to happen, but that doesn't mean the other 2 shouldn't be involved. The thing that bothers me is they told me they'd informed the other 2 which was a complete lie. They only informed them AFTER they'd taken it upon themselves to price something up, I just think that's wrong and unfair, especially lying to me about it because I was under the impression they all knew they were ALL responsible for the planning. I think that's just made me feel a bit let down :(

They know the kind of thing I want as I'd already been bouncing loads of ideas off them when I was still planning my own hen. They know I wouldn't want anything toooo expensive as I was already saying I was trying to find something relatively cheap xx

We are hardly ever able to all get together these days, mainly because one of them is in London! I dance with the other 3 but it's not really the time or place... the one I've been speaking with today has quite a busy lifestyle mainly with work so she often can't meet up with us outside of dance. With the 2 being a bit off with her it makes it difficult and complicated too. I think it boils down to just feeling let down really. I never thought I'd have any sort of problem with my bridesmaids - guess it happens to us all!!

I've text the bm in London to see if she was aware they were all meant to be involved in the planning. I'm mortified thinking that the other 2 could have felt like they were being deliberately left out when that wasn't the case at all! So I'll see what she says then I will think about saying something in a group message. xx

It's just difficult because I can't make it obvious that I've spoken to any of them, but if I start with asking them if I need to pay for myself then it might be a good place to start xx

I never thought I'd have any issues, we've always been a really tight knit group since college. If they don't start getting on with each other then I'm gonna have to say something about that too. I want us all to enjoy this time together as a group without having to worry about things being awkward. They wind me up all the time calling me bridezilla - bridezilla might really have to make an appearance soon!!! xx

Have a get together with them all, say you know that you're not to have anything to do with it, but come up with suggestions that you'd like and that you'd like each one involved in the planning of some shape or form

Eeekkkk maybe you need to get them together sooner rather than later

That is asking a bit much in my opinion, if somebody asked me to pay £200 for a hen night I doubt I would be able to afford it! At least you know now and can deal with it x

I certainly wouldn't pay that much, and it's my own hen! I think I will send a message saying I was just wondering what the payment arrangements are as I'm looking through my wedding money spreadsheet and can't really afford anything too pricey, to ease myself into the conversation... the tricky thing is not dropping my bm in it, if they know she's told me they will go off on one!

Not possible to get them all together any time soon, will have the 4 of us together but not the 5. Just thinking with a message everyone will be able to read it.

Never used Skype in my life haha! We have a Wh@ts@pp convo constantly on the go so I'll use that. If they say no I don't have to pay for myself then I'll still make a point of saying don't go over board and make sure everyone can afford it

I would maybe leave it for now at least until your bridesmaid has told the others that she cant afford it, then see how they go from there. Hopefully they take it well, all agree on a maximum amount they are willing to pay each & make new plans within that price bracket.
Although you definitely need to clarify on wether you are paying for yourself as they then also need to know your maximum budget.

I'm trying to arrange my hen do at the moment & it's a nightmare!! I have already had 1 hen with my bridesmaids & MIL, one of my bridesmaids arranged for us all to go away for the weekend, in a log cabin. This was only arranged as she cant make my hen do as she is going to India with work in a few days & doesn't return until a few days before the wedding. I had so many family members complaining as I hadn't arranged anything for my main hen so I finally sorted it, set an event up on f@ceb00k to invite them all & all of the ones that complained haven't even acknowledged it!! If they haven't replied within a few more days I probably wont bother at all.

I've found a really lovely apartment in Bath.. I'm really tempted just to say can I take the reins back and arrange the place/accommodation myself, and we can all arrange the activities etc. together. Can I do that without upsetting them??

Would work out £80 per person which is much more reasonable, and Bath was the place I was initially thinking of before I decided to hand over the reins. It's close to shops, bars, restaurants.. even a spa. x

Thanks Velcro, I appreciate your comment :) you are right, that seems the best way to do it.

I'm my own worst enemy because once something is in my head it niggles away at me until it's sorted. My brain is wired up to over think EVERYTHING! I will leave it a couple of days and wait until the show is over and then I will say something to them x

ooh glad you have sorted something! and im the same, terminal worrier and blower out of proportioner lmao

Glad you're getting something sorted. Less stress hopefully lol xx

My hens are also planning my hen do and 1 of them was alos a bit like yours, she wanted maga, strippers, lots of booze etc and that's just not me - I got my mum involved and added her to the planning of it (she clearly knows me much better lol) and now all I know is that I'm away for a weekend Friday-Monday in March next year and then I'll have a 'home' one for those who cant make it ect about a month before the wedding :) xx